The Fabliaux, page 3
There is nothing innovative about this point of view. We find the same stereotypes in the works of medieval theologians and moralists. But instead of explicitly condemning the wrongdoers, fabliau authors found this state of affairs amusing. They didn’t idealize their world; they accepted it as it was. Such is human nature, and they admired the rapscallion who makes a good job of it. Attempt to rise above your rank and you will fail, but you should nonetheless seize every opportunity to get what you want. Yet there are limits to their daring. When we consider what is missing, for example, even the sexually explicit fabliaux strike us as almost prudish by today’s standards. The man is invariably on top but for one comic exception, oral sex is entirely absent, and the rare instances of same-sex relations are all misunderstandings. Their moral stance is thus at once conservative and rebellious.
1.THE CUNT MADE WITH A SPADE
Adam, created by Our Lord,
who afterward defied His word
turning against Him as a rebel
by taking a bite of the apple,
if we can trust what scriptures say . . . 5
God formed man from a lump of clay,
and then He took one of the ribs
He’d placed in his side, and with this,
nor more nor less, with his own two
hands He created woman, too.10
To suffer blows is woman fated
because from bone she was created
Get your wife used to thrashings, say
two or three or four times a day
on the first of the week, or ten15
or twelve times every fortnight; then
whether she’s fasting or is not,
she’ll grow in value quite a lot.
The woman had a lovely neck
and face, but God forgot to make20
a cunt, so little care He took.
The Devil came and had a look,
leaned down a bit on an incline
and at the third bump on her spine
saw there was only just one hole.25
He went to speak to God and told
Him, “Sire, You made an awful gaffe:
The woman’s incomplete by half!
So get to work! Make haste, go back to ’er
and install in her hinder sector30
the thing that is most necessary,
because a woman isn’t very
valuable when there’s no burrow
placed close by her posterior furrow.”
“Eh, what?” said God. “I can’t see to it.35
You’ll have to go yourself and do it.”
The Devil answered, “I? And how?”
“I’m telling you to do it now,
and I mean what I say. Eschew
putting in something made by you40
and remove nothing that I’ve made.”
“I’ll do just that,” the Devil said.
The Devil gathered hammers, adzes,
chisels, mattocks, sharpened axes,
cutting tools with double blades,45
pruning hooks and trenchant spades,
and gave the tools a close inspection
in order to make his selection
to do the job he undertook,
saying that no one will rebuke50
him if he makes a spacious trough.
(An ample suit from other’s cloth.)
He looked at every implement
one by one, not much time he spent,
and when he’d taken time to view55
them all, he was convinced he knew
that with the sharp edge of the spade
a great, deep crevice could be made
in scarcely any time at all.
He said that there’s no better tool60
on earth, and takes the spade and pushes
it all in till the handle touches.
Thus with a spade he made the cunt.
He squatted down a bit in front
of her and farted on her tongue.65
That’s why all women, old and young,
must chatter on and talk such drivel.
Faced with the fart laid by the Devil,
she tried to push it from her mouth,
but still today their bodies house70
the fart the Devil left inside
when he crouched by the woman’s side.
It’s something we have to accept:
She won’t give up talking except
to be nice or to wheedle gifts.75
I pray that God never forgives
whoever seeks to vilify
them or their cunts, no matter why,
for there’s fine workmanship in them,
but they’ve destroyed many good men,80
who’ve come to grief and been disgraced
and lost what wealth they once possessed.
2.TROLLOPS AND TROUPERS
When God first made and filled the earth
with people and throughout its girth
all creatures that belong there, then
He set up three orders of men
to live on earth by His decree:5
the clergy, knights, and peasantry.
Each has his place. He gave the rights
to own and govern to the knights,
and to the clergy tithes and alms,
and last of all He gave the farms10
to peasants to be sown and tilled,
and thereupon, His task fulfilled,
He left His creatures and withdrew.
As He was leaving, into view
there came the profligates in hordes,15
the entertainers and the bawds.
He’d not gone far when they approached Him,
began to cry out, and reproached Him:
“Where are You going, Lord? Do say
a word to us! Don’t leave us! Stay!20
We’re given nothing and are slighted,
though for the others You’ve provided.”
Hearing them, our Heavenly Sire
looked on them and deigned to inquire
of Saint Peter, who’s standing near,25
about those people over there.
He answered, “They’re a surly race
also created through Your grace.
Like those who place their trust in You,
they’re clamoring that for them, too,30
You see fit to make some provision.”
Our Lord corrected the omission,
but spoke no word to them; instead
He went straight to the knights and said,
“You lords to whom I gave all lands35
to rule, I now place in your hands
the entertainers as your charge
to live among your entourage.
Be generous and openhanded
with them, for I, your God, command it,40
and do not treat them with disdain.
And you, My clergy, shall maintain
the harlots under your protection
in accordance with My direction.”
In keeping with the Lord’s decree,45
the clergy supports harlotry,
holding these women in esteem
and making sure they get the cream
of all of Mother Church’s riches.
Contrariwise, my fable teaches,50
if you have understood it well,
as for the knights, they’ll go to Hell.
They look with scorn on the performers,
who must live poorer than a dormouse
and go about without a pair55
of shoes, while whores get furs to wear
and well-lined cloaks and fine attire.
The entertainers for their hire
get little enough of their lords.
For all their fine and noble words,60
they give them only worn-out garments
and toss them, as they would to varmints,
of their fine dinners, scraps and messes,
while harlots often change their dresses,
sleep with their priests, and what they’re fed65
is counted in the overhead.
The priests do this for their souls’ sake,
whereas the stingy knights forsake
the entertainers, and are damned
for violating God’s command.70
Not so the priestly class, because
they’re generous and serve their whores;
their actions are my evidence.
They lay out the inheritance
and the wealth of Christ crucified,75
keeping their mistresses supplied
out of their rents, tithes, and donations,
and merit our congratulations
above all others for this act.
If what my fable tells is fact,80
the clergy is assured salvation
and the knights will go to damnation.
3.THE THREE ESTATES
Two knights go riding on their way
on a piebald and dapple gray
and stumble on an open space
among the trees, a shady place
decked with flowers and herbs as well.5
They stopped and rested there a spell.
One of them said, “By God I swear,
how fine to have a picnic here!
You’d need only a jug of wine and
pasties and things on which to dine, and10
your feast would be at least as gay as
in a great hall on the high dais.”
Then they have to be moving on.
Two wandering scholars, out for fun,
came by and saw the lovely scene.15
Speaking as clerics do between
themselves, one said, “Who got to spend
some time here with a lady friend
would spend it with her pleasantly.”
The other said, “He’d have to be20
weak-hearted and easily daunted
not to get everything he wanted.”
But they could stay no longer then.
Two peasants then came barging in.
From market they were coming back25
with spades and threshers on their backs.
When they had sat down in the pleasance
they started speaking just like peasants:
“Hey, Fouchier, from the looks of it
this is the perfect place to shit.30
Let’s take a dump right now, old pal.”
“Upon my soul, we may as well.”
Then each of them squats down and strains.
This story patently explains
that there’s nothing on earth as pleasant35
as taking a shit for a peasant,
and therefore a peasant befouls
the fairest spots and moves his bowels
there for delight and recreation,
so in light of my obligation40
to those good folk, what I propose is
that peasants go shit through their noses.
A peasant, whatever I say,
is one whose heart makes him that way,
whose deeds show his vulgarity,45
however high his ancestry.
God turn our steps from infamy
and save the present company!
4.HOW THE PRIEST READ THE PASSION STORY
I’ve something wonderful to tell,
a rarity, a nonpareil,
about a priest, and none too smart.
It was Good Friday, at the start
of God’s service, and the priest had5
put on his vestments and was clad,
and all the people were in church.
He’d lost his straws and had to search
for his place. He began to look
through all the pages in his book,10
but he’d have hunted in this fashion
till Doomsday and not found the Passion.
The peasants were all in a hurry
and starting in on grumbling, for he
was making them prolong their fast.15
It would be dinnertime at last
when the Divine Service was done.
But why should I go on and on?
They all sat there and fidgeted,
and so here’s what the prelate did:20
He launched into a reading now,
at first quite loud, then very low,
“Dixit Dominus domino
meo.” (As for a rhyme in -o,
I can’t find any, nor make head25
or tail of all this. If I said
it as best I can, I’d do better.)
The priest went following the letter
of his text as blind Fortune led
till Sunday vespers had been said.30
He wanted, I need hardly state,
to have a full donation plate,
so he cried “Barrabam!” aloud.
No town crier has ever crowed
a ban with such a booming yell,35
and everyone who heard him fell
to beating his breast in contrition.
He had them in a good position,
honest to God, in Whom no guile
is found! The priest, who all the while40
went reading straight on through his Psalter,
again starts crying helter-skelter,
this time with “Crucifige eum!”
The church resounded with his mayhem,
and every man and every woman45
heard him and prayed to God in common
to save them from eternal torments,
but his clerk is fed up and comments
to him, “Fac finis. Make an end.”
The priest replies, “I won’t, my friend,50
until I reach the miracles.”
The clerk immediately tells
him lengthy Passions do not sit
well and he will not benefit
by overtaxing his flock’s patience,55
so when they’d given their donations,
he quickly polished off the Passion.
My fabliau shows in this fashion
that, by the faith I owe Saint Paul,
talking nonsense and folderol60
equally well exemplifies
a fool, just as someone who’s wise
will speak sense when he goes about it,
and no one but a fool would doubt it.
5.THE PRIEST AND THE WOLF
A priest who lived in the Chartrain
loved the wife of another man,
a peasant, but he caught on to’t
and dug a pit along the route
the priest took when he came their way.5
That night a wolf happened to stray
by in the dark and tumbled in,
and the priest likewise, for his sin:
As was his wont, he came a-calling;
before he knew it, in he’d fallen.10
The wife, annoyed she had to wait
for her priest, who was running late,
called for her maid, whom she directed
to go find out when he’s expected.
On her way the maid passed the pit,15
and she as well fell into it.
The peasant, waking early, thought
he’d go and see what had been caught.
He found his pit full, and he swore
that he’d give all of them what-for:20
He killed the wolf, gelded the priest,
and told the maid she was dismissed.
On those three grave misfortune fell,
but for the peasant things went well:
The wolf who feasted on his flock,25
along with the prelate who took
his wife’s virtue, paid in full measure,
one for his meal, one for his pleasure.
6.THE PRIEST AND ALISON
by Guillaume le Normand
With all the minstrels found today,
by Saint Eustace, I cannot say
exactly what kind I may be.
William, who labors tirelessly
at putting stories into rhyme,5
has made one which is really fine
about a merchant woman’s daughter
who lives by the Oise, near the water.
Madame Mahauld, as she was called,
from her window for long had sold10
garlic and onions, also hats
made out of well-woven reeds that
did not come from swampy terrain.
Marian was (her daughter’s name)
a virgin girl and beautiful. A15
day there was when with Berula
in her arms from the stream, and cress,
she walked home in her linen dress,
all wet to the top of her thighs.
Upon my soul, I’ll not tell lies:20
She wasn’t born to noble parents,
no lady’s daughter nor a baron’s—
a merchant woman was her mother,
but fair and well-bred as no other
who’s ever come before my eyes.25
The nature of her merchandise
was beeswax and pepper and cumin.
The chaplain of Saint-Cyr would come in-
to their abode for ginger very
often, and to buy zedoary,30
cinnamon, licorice, and spice
she kept in stock as merchandise,
and also for an herb that came
from Alexandria. His name
was Alexander, a rich man35
who kept his eye on Marian—
he liked the way her tunic fit—
so he’d go walking for a bit
to take the gentle morning air
and couldn’t come soon enough where40
the girl’s house was located—he
’d no need of a guide, certainly!
He’ll teach her everything, you bet:
Before she’s said the alphabet,
if he can, he’ll have her converted.45
Unless all his strength is exerted
to this end, his soul won’t see God!
It’s summer and the weather’s hot;
he put a light cloth on his head.
He’d been to the woman’s homestead50
quite a few other times before,
who made her living from her store,
where she sold neither wool nor flax.
The chaplain wasn’t at all lax
in giving the woman his greeting,55
and she rose to her feet on meeting
him and said, “Hearty welcome, sir.
Do stay on awhile with us here
for dinner. We’ll have joy and mirth.
See the fat goose there on the hearth!”60
