The Fabliaux, page 19
Walter steadies himself and butts
in almost burying his nuts,10
and with such vigor plays his part
that from her ass comes a large fart.
When Walter heard her fart resound,
“God save me, woman, I have found
out certainly,” he said, “and I15
can tell what you swore was a lie,
because a virgin you were not.”
She answers him upon the spot:
“I was one until recently,
and you’re treating me nastily,20
and it’s outrageous, what you said.
Did you not take my maidenhead?
It ran out when you shoved that way,
and you basely drove it away.”
“By the Lord’s heart,” he says, “it smelled!25
I’m sorry that it was expelled.
It’s fine in cunts somewhere or other,
but one-fourth of it would quite smother
me. Where it lodged, it should have stayed.
So I pray God to damn the maid30
who won’t surrender what she’s got
for so long that it starts to rot.”
30.PIGGIE
This fabliau’s a courtly one
about a youth, a burgher’s son,
who married a proper and nice
girl on his family’s advice.
He loved her well and tirelessly.5
They’d but been married recently,
and he so loved her that she could
have made him keel over if she would.
He made her his queen and he spoke
often about what pains he took.10
They were lying in bed one day,
cavorting lustily at play.
She, pleased with the festivities,
said to the doting fellow, “Please,
let’s think up names to give, my dear,15
to your thing there and my cunt here.”
“It’s only right that you,” says he,
“decide what both their names shall be.
Call them whatever pleases you.”
“Sir,” she says, “it would please me to20
give the name Piggie to my cunt,
because I’m never clean in front.
I don’t know what to call your thing. . . .
It shall be christened Wheat, I think,
for it’s a pretty name.” “That’s fine25
by me,” he says, “that name for mine.
If that’s your pleasure, I concur.”
“Now, if you’ve no objection, sir,
my Piggie here would like to eat.
Do not be stingy with your Wheat,30
which is so good, with Piggie, please.”
“Lady,” he says, “what’s mine is his.”
They kept at it so long, at length
(I can’t think why) Wheat lost his strength,
felt whacked-out, had no more to give her,35
and she nagged at him to deliver
rations to satisfy her Piggie.
The young man blows a fart, a biggie,
right in the lap of the young woman.
“Now what’s with this, sir?” she says to him.40
“What have you left at my front door?”
“Some husks and waste I’ve scattered for
your Piggie’s sustenance, dear lady,
for I’m at my Wheat’s end already
and nothing’s left, in Saint Marcel’s45
name, just the chaff and empty shells.”
“How now, sir? Can it be that Wheat
has run dry? That’s bad news indeed
for Piggie here, who has no taste,
so help me God, to eat your waste.”50
The young man says, “Upon my soul,
who works as hard as I’s a fool—
and all to satisfy a lady!
So please, leave me alone already,
for I’ve so catered to your need55
I’ve drained my granary of seed.
Your hog is a voracious glutton.
You can go cover up your butt and
your cunt as well; it’s slovenly
and won’t be fed again by me.60
The more it gets, the more it wants.
What idiot invented cunts?”
31.THE FELLOW WITH A DOZEN WIVES
Though there are some who’ll disagree,
this happened once in Lombardy
(so he who told me it avers).
A popular young man there was
who wished to marry locally,5
but swore it was a certainty
that not just one wife would he wed—
he must have ten or twelve instead.
His father said, “What’s this you wish?
One’s kept me on so short a leash10
that I’m not free to stop or go.
I’d more than happily cry ‘Whoa!’
if words were all that were required,
but she has left me so damn tired,
when it comes to my interests I’m15
unfit to act. Son, this first time
try it out marrying just one
wife until the first year is done,
and if one’s not enough for you,
I’ll see to it that you get two20
or three or four, five, six, or seven,
or eight or nine, ten or eleven,
however many you may wish;
don’t ever doubt my word on this.”
“Father,” he answers, “I am willing,25
but I won’t find just one fulfilling.”
What do you want?—he asked around
and let his friends know till they found
a young girl for his son to wed,
both very lovely and well-bred,30
who had herself quite often heard
how the lad had given his word
that he would never marry any
wife if he couldn’t have as many
as twelve, but to herself she swore,35
once she laid hands on him, before
a year’d gone by she’d stop his boasting,
and he’d find one more than exhausting.
He took her for his wife and wedded
her, and she made sure he was bedded 40
in the way you’ll hear shortly after,
while he, who thought he’d be the master,
gave her as vigorously back
around-the-clock counterattack.
Even before a half a year he45
appears so tuckered out and weary,
so wan and haggard are his cheeks
they look like two old dried up sticks,
he’s yellower than a hawk’s feet ’n’
as worthless as a worn-out mitten,50
and his eyes are so deeply sunk in
their sockets and hopelessly shrunken,
that clearly the poor boy is wasting
away. His wife goes on insisting
by night and day he give her kisses55
and hugs and intimate caresses.
“Husband, what is it?” she inquires.
“You used to have such hot desires
and were so vigorous of late,
eager, lusty, and passionate,60
you wouldn’t ever let me sleep,
and now instead I see you keep
so to yourself, I think, in faith,
you love another in my place.”
“What? I in love?” he tells her. “Hardly!65
I find your jealousy ungodly.
I’m nearly dead from making love,
and this is all you’re thinking of!”
“Most surely, husband, God protect
me, for you treat me with neglect.70
Why won’t you have your way with me?”
“I haven’t the capacity,
by God! Who’s given all that he’s
able to should be left in peace.”
For the time being, so things stood.75
His father, a worthy and good
man, broached the subject with his son
one day when he’d stopped by his home:
“My boy, the time has come around
for you to wed. It’s time you found80
somewhere to hold the celebration.
I’ve looked into your situation.
You’ve one wife now; I’ve found eleven
to bring it to an even dozen.”
“To Satan let the twelve be given!85
What hundred men could keep up with ’em?
Just one’s unmanned me so that I
have no flesh left, have been bled dry.
For God’s sake, just lay off of me!”
So the two let the matter be,90
until by chance, in that same village
he lived in, they caught near the tillage
a wolf who over time had done
great injury to everyone.
For miles there wasn’t a cow whose95
life he’d not taken, nor a goose
nor piglet, ewe or even mare,
so all the village lived in fear
and was delighted he’d been caught,
I rather think, and had him brought,100
dragging him quickly as they can,
before the sheriff and his men.
“Torture and maim him!” the first said;
the second thought he should be flayed;
the third said, “Tie him up to act as105
a bull’s-eye for our target practice!”;
the fourth would hang him by the neck;
the fifth cried, “Burn him at the stake!”
When everyone had had his say
whether to starve to death or to flay110
or set the wolf on fire and burn
him up, it was the young man’s turn,
that bridegroom I’ve been telling of
who’d once been lighthearted above
all men on earth, but who of late115
has been in such a sorry state
he’s barely fit to lift his hand
to brush the flies off when they land
on him. When all had spoken, he
said, “Listen, gentlemen, to me120
a bit and I’ll be glad to spell
it out for you, for I can tell
you how best to lay this wolf low
without striking a single blow.
Were you to have him flayed or killed,125
his sufferings would soon be stilled.
Make him live on in agony
beyond all hope of getting free.”
And they reply, “How can we do it?”
“Let me explain. There’s nothing to it,”130
he says, “God grant me joy in life.
Give him a woman for a wife,
and he’ll know the worst martyrdom
on earth from now till Kingdom Come!”
All present laughed uproariously.135
His wife turned to the lad and she
said, “Come, my friend, it’s time we went
back home. Your counsel’s excellent.”
The lady was clever and smart
and levelheaded and well taught.140
She took her husband by the hand
and led him home and bathed him and
had him shaven and cut his hair,
and saw he drank and had three square
meals every day and had a place145
where he could sleep alone in peace,
and made sure all his needs were met
till he’d filled out and put on weight
and regained his vitality.
He paid a heavy penalty150
for rashly asking they join him in
the bonds of marriage with twelve women.
His wife taught him a lesson, though.
The last word of this fabliau:
Who more than himself trusts his wife155
will have his share of woe and strife,
that none should boast of things that he
has not in his capacity,
that who pursues an evil end
will suffer evil in the end.160
32.THE CLERIC BEHIND THE CHEST
by Jean de Condé
There are some folks who’d sooner hear
(they find it gives them much more cheer)
some trifle than a thing of weight,
and that is why I will relate
here, just as someone told it to5
me once, a trifle that is true.
There lived in Hainaut, in a city,
a burgher woman, charming, pretty,
who loved her pleasures and was gay
because Love held her in his sway.10
I don’t want to reveal her name
or tell you from what town she came
because it just might be repeated
somewhere where the news would be greeted
with scandal and ruin her life,15
the woman being someone’s wife.
She was attractive, glamorous,
merry, playful, and amorous.
She had a cleric with her one
day in her room, handsome and fun-20
loving. They were drinking and eating
as much as they wanted, not needing
more wine and food than was prepared.
They spoke many a loving word
and, making good use of their tryst,25
in privacy they hugged and kissed.
(I don’t know whether they did more.)
Then there came knocking at the door
of the room a handsome young man
and cut short what the two of them30
were doing. When the cleric heard this,
he wasn’t happy; he was nervous.
“Lady,” he said, “I can’t think how
I should behave. What happens now?”
“My dear,” she said, “here’s what to do:35
Go hide behind the chest, where you
’ll keep quiet till he’s gone away.
Just what he’s come for, I can’t say.”
He went behind the chest to hide
while the handsome young fellow cried40
out loudly, and she let him in.
This young fellow had often been
alone in secret with the lady.
When he saw everything there ready
and waiting for eating and drinking,45
he sat down to it, never thinking
about it twice, but she received
him coldly, because she was grieved
since she was with another beau,
which the young fellow didn’t know.50
The youth then said, “I’ve never seen
your face, lady, look quite so mean.
You know how intimately we
two are involved, so smile at me.”
The woman put aside what bugged her,55
and the young fellow kissed and hugged her,
and she did not stand in his way.
He’d done as much before that day
and done a whole lot more that bound
them together. They fooled around60
and drank a lot, just as they pleased.
The cleric, though, was much displeased,
hidden away behind the chest,
and what hurt him more than the rest
of it was having in plain sight65
the young fellow sitting there right
beside her, flirting all the while.
It filled his heart with bitter bile.
So it went on until the evening.
The husband whom she was deceiving70
then came back home, for it was night.
It gave the youth an awful fright;
he heard him and was in distress.
The lady liked it even less.
“Lady,” he asked, “where shall I go?”75
She said, “I’ll tell you. I don’t know
what else to do. The table’s set
up over there. Why don’t you get
down next to it out of his sight?
I’ll put on a big show of fright80
and argue with him and act fed
up till I get him into bed,
then when you see the coast is clear,
see to it you get out of here.”
He hid himself as best he could.85
As stupid as a block of wood,
her husband knocked with undue haste
on the door, and she with distaste
opened for him uncivilly
and launched into him evilly.90
“You sorry wretch! You useless, mean
piece of bad luck! Where have you been?
You’re never at home nowadays,
but keep on with your filthy ways,
a dissolute man who can’t govern95
himself! Why, you’ve been in the tavern!
You leave me all alone and guzzle
all day, God damn your greedy muzzle!
Let’s go to sleep. It’s getting late.”
“Why hurry, dear? The bed can wait.100
I have to eat my supper first.”
While she insulted him and cursed
with vehemence, he took a seat
and asked for wine and food to eat,
which made her angry, and she grumbled105
loudly, resentful and disgruntled.
“For God’s sake, calm yourself, my pet.
We can afford it; don’t you fret.
That’s where the money’s coming from,
so quit your griping and keep mum.”110
He, ignorant of any guest,
pointed his finger at the chest,
which at the moment was well stocked.
The cleric thought he’s being mocked
and that his presence there was known,115
that he’d seen him when he got home.
He feared he’d come at him, so quick,
before he’d time to grab a stick,
he came out from his hiding place,
approached him, and said to his face,120
“See here, sir, by God’s death and passion,
the cost’s not split in a fair fashion
if that man doesn’t pay his share—
the fellow by that table there,
leaning against it where it’s standing.125
The husband had an understanding
at last of what guests had dropped by.
They’d easily have bled him dry,
his larder empty when they’re through.
(But they were doing for him, too.)130
With largesse and politeness, he
calmly accepted cuckoldry,
made no fuss, for he didn’t care
for fights, and hushed up the affair.
He hadn’t anything to say135
to them. In peace they went away.
