Claimed by You, page 15
“I am not giving up anything for him. I just need time. I need to ensure that when I walk away, I have something to walk towards.” He says, roughly pushing his brown hair away from his forehead, for a moment distracting me with how incredibly gorgeous he is.
“You are waiting for something that will never happen. You know that as well as I do. Jonathan will never let you go. You are his now. You knew the moment that you agreed to work for him that you signed a deal with the devil.” I try to keep the shake from my voice, but the array of emotions running through me make it difficult to have any control at all.
“I am no ones!” His words bounce off the walls around us and I can tell that I am pushing him too far, too hard, but I can't stop now. I can't let him walk away without at least hearing what I have to say.
“You can tell yourself that all you want but you know I'm right.” I say, taking a step towards him, my hands flying up between us.
“You may be too blind or too stupid to see it but I'm not. I know the man he is Westin. I know what he is capable of.”
“And you think I don't.” His words come at me so hard that I take a step backwards, caught off guard by not only the intensity of his voice, but by his very words.
“Something tells me you know all too well.” I say, taking another step back so that there is a good two feet separating us. “Tell me Westin. What does he have on you?” I ask, finally piecing things together.
“Nothing. You don't know what you're talking about.” The moment his eyes leave mine and then meet them again, I know he's lying. Call it intuition, an unspoken bond, or just a plain ability to read people, but I know.
“You're lying.” My words are soft but I can see the blow they deliver. I can see the hurt in his eyes, the disbelief written all over his face.
“Tell me what he has on you Westin.” I say again, this time trying a softer approach.
“Nothing Scarlett. Fuck. He has nothing on me.” He says, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “Fuck.” He balls his hands into fists at his sides and I can tell how hard he's fighting to maintain control.
“You know what. Then I'm done here.” I say, spinning around, fully prepared to walk away, but his hand shoots out and whips me back around before I even have time to process what's happening.
“Scarlett stop.” He says, gripping my face in both of his hands, pulling me closer to him. “Please stop.” He pleads just inches from my face.
Pushing his hands away, I take a step backwards. “You think I like this?” I ask in disbelief. “You think I am doing this for any reason other than I love you and I want you here with me?”
“I wasn't saying that.” He says, reaching out for me but I pull my hands back before he can grab them. “Scarlett. Please. I just.... I have to go. I don't want to leave like this.”
“Then don't leave.” My words come out in a half sob and I have to take a deep breath to reel my emotions back in.
“It's not that easy Scarlett.”
“But it is.” I say, once again fighting off the well of tears behind my eyes. Not missing the look on his face as one single tear manages to escape and trickle down my cheek.
“Fuck. Scarlett. Please don't cry. Fuck.”
“Choose Westin.” I take a deep breath and manage to pull my shit together before continuing.
“I love you. And these last few days with you have been amazing but.... I want more. I don't want to say goodbye to you now without knowing when I will see you again or how long I will have to wait to feel your arms around me. I don't want that life. Always waiting. I need you to choose.”
“Choose between what Scarlett?” He asks the question, though I can see that he already knows the answer.
“Choose.” I say again.
“You choose.” He says, turning the tables on me.
“I'm sorry?” I don't try to hide my confusion but at the same time, I should have seen this coming. How can I make him choose between me and his life and not be willing to do the same?
“You want me to choose but why do I have to be the one to give up everything I have worked for? Are you willing to give up everything here? Layers, your friends, your Aunt Kari? Are you willing to walk away from all of it to be with me?” He asks, seeing my answer written across my face.
“That's what I thought. So quick to ask the world of me but you are not willing to give at all on your part.” He says, sadness rimming his features.
“It's not the same thing and you know it.” I cry, my emotions finally zeroing in on one feeling, anger.
“How is it not?” He bites, clearly feeling the same shift within himself. How quickly things can fall apart between the two of us. Maybe the past should have been left exactly where it was, in the past. Westin along with it.
“Because I own Layers. Me and Kari built it from the ground up. I can't just start over just like that. But you. You're a lawyer and given that you work for my father, I'm betting you're a pretty damn good one. You can practice law anywhere. You can be free. You can leave. You can be here with me.” I say, the anger falling flat about half way through my words and my desperation returning full force.
“I can't.”
“Why?”
“I just can't.” He repeats.
“You can't or you won't?” I ask, searching his face for any trace of the man that I spent the last three days with. The man I had long conversations with. The man I made love to repeatedly. The man I let into my life....again. But I can't seem to find that man anywhere right now.
“I won't choose and it's not fair for you to ask me to.” He says, picking up his bag as a voice over the intercom starts calling for his flight to board.
“Then you should go.” I say, taking a step backwards and gesturing towards his terminal. “You don't want to miss your flight.” I can hear the bitterness in my voice and feel the quiver of my chin as I fight off the urge to break down and sob right here and now.
“Scar.” He says, reaching for me just as I step out of his reach. “I can't choose.” He says, making a last ditch effort before he knows he has to go.
“You already did Westin.” I say, taking another step backwards. “Please don't come back.”
“Scar!” His voice echos through the airport. I know that we are probably drawing quite the audience, but in this moment, I feel like the only two people in existence is me and the man standing before me.
“You can play his puppet. Be his golden child. But I won't live a life waiting for something that will never happen and I certainly will not live a life where Jonathan Ryan has any control over me or the people I love. I thought we were on the same page. I thought you wanted that too. I guess I was wrong.” I say, all the fight leaving my body.
“Scarlett don't do this.” He says again, taking a step towards me.
“Get on the plane Westin.” I say, halting his movements towards me. “Go home.” With that, I spin on my heel and walk out of the airport like I am walking across hot coals. Pushing my way through crowds of people, feeling like I can't breath until I finally reach the open air.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Making my way to the side of the building, I push my back against the cool exterior wall and take several deep breaths. The tears I fought so hard to control are now streaming down my face and honestly, I don't care.
I don't care that I just made a scene in front of dozens of strangers. I don't care that people are staring at me like I belong in a psych ward. All I care about is the man I just let go.
My chest feels heavy, like there are a thousand bricks weighing me down, suffocating me. I know I have to let him go. I have to move on. I can't go back. I can't let Jonathan back in. He may have given me life but he is not my father. He is a cold, selfish, greedy man who will do anything he can to benefit only one person, himself.
I can't go back there. I won't. And I won't sit back and watch as Westin allows him to control him the way he controlled me for so many years. If he wants that life then he can have it. But he can't have me too.
After pulling myself into as much composure as I can muster, I make my way to the curb to hail a cab. Fortunately, it takes only moments for one to pull up and I quickly climb into the back seat.
Paying no attention to my driver, I ramble off my address and sink back into the cheap leather seats that smell like week old pizza and dirty socks. I watch out the window as the miles increase between me and the airport.
I count the minutes, the seconds even, as they pass. Each one that ticks by is like needles prickling every inch of my flesh. The pain radiates across my entire body until I feel like I don't even have the energy to hold my own head up.
He's gone, and I pushed him away. Why couldn't I continue with the way things were going? I mean, sure they weren't ideal, but wasn't it better than this? A life without Westin? A life where I feel like everyday is a curse rather than a blessing?
Regret boils inside of me and for the first time in a very long time, I feel like the fault rests solely on my shoulders. I had to push for more without even considering that he simply can not give me more right now.
But like everything that surrounds Jonathan Ryan, I simply could not let it lie. If this were any other job, anywhere else in the world, I would have waited. Years even. If it meant that Westin would join me eventually, I would have waited forever.
But I know what surrounds a life involving my father and I can't live like that. I can't stand around waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know if my decision was right or wrong. Too soon or not soon enough. All I know is that right now, I feel like I am trying to cross a river that is uncrossable. It is yet to be seen whether or not I will make it to the other side in one piece.
****
“How long has it been since you have heard from him?” Jamie asks, pouring me another glass of wine as we sit crossed leg on the floor of my living room.
This has been the first time that either her or Kari has had the nerve to bring Westin up after my initial breakdown to both of them. While I am not jumping up and down to talk about it, I can't help but respect the hell out of Jamie's ability to just ask a question, no matter how touchy the subject.
Shaking my head, I'm not really sure how to answer her. Or maybe it's just that I don't want to. Either way, I take an extra long drink of my wine before responding.
“I haven't.” I admit, shrugging my shoulders and fighting back the sudden wave of emotion that feels like it is crashing down over my head. “I mean, since the airport. Four days.” I clarify.
“So he hasn't called or anything?” She asks, seeming surprised by the news. Though I am not sure why. It's not like she really knows him, therefore she has no idea if this is typical behavior or not.
“Nothing.” I say, emptying the contents of my glass. Jamie immediately picks up the bottle of wine from the side table next to her and fills me back up, topping off her glass before sitting the bottle back down.
“I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I don't know what came over me. Demanding he uproot his entire life just like that. Hell, we've only spent a total of like ten days together in ten years. I mean, it seems longer because of the time in between but once I thought about it, I realized it was true. How could I ask something like that of him after such a short amount of time?”
“You knew what you wanted. You had the balls to go for it. There's no shame in that.” Jamie says, reaching over to pat my knee. “At least you went for it Scar. At least you put yourself out there, despite the past.”
“I just don't know what's wrong with me lately. One minute I feel like everything is perfect. The next, I am purposely finding things that need to be better. It's like I can't just leave a good thing alone. I was happy Jamie. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I had everything I ever wanted. Leave it to me to fuck it up before it even had a chance to really take flight.” I pick at the rug under my feet, taking my aggression out on a loose thread that just wont seem to break.
“You know what I think?” Jamie asks, waiting for me to nod before continuing. “I think you should go after him.”
I choke a little on my wine. Sputtering out a “What?” between coughs.
“I'm serious Scar. Why not? You feel like you pushed too hard right? Like maybe you were being unfair to him? So why not tell him that? Why not go to him and tell him how you feel? That you panicked because of your father's involvement and that you don't want to give up what you two have.” She says, smiling softly at me.
“Scarlett Ryan, you are a brave, beautiful woman. I have never known you to back away from something you want. So don't back away from this. Not when he clearly means so much to you.”
“I don't know Jamie. I don't know what I would even say.” I admit, surprised that I am even actually considering this as an option.
“Just tell him how you feel. Look, I know that you are worried about your father and giving him any type of control, but don't you see, that's exactly what you are doing. You are allowing him to control a relationship that he doesn't even know about right?” She says, making me realize immediately how right she is.
“Oh my God, Jamie. You're right. How did I not see it? I am still letting him control me. He's the reason I acted so rashly and demanded Westin leave it all for me. I was so blinded by avoiding giving him control that I pretty much just handed it to him.”
The more I think about my words, the more I see their truth. My fear of my father is controlling me as if my father were still in my life. Allison and Jonathan Ryan no longer call the shots for me. I am not their puppet, their project. I am my own person. And damn it, I'm ready to fight for what I want.
“You're right.” I say again, more just to say it then really directing it to Jamie specifically.
“Man, I didn't realize how good that felt.” She smiles, leaning back and closing her eyes. “Say it again.”
“You're right.” I say, not able to contain the giggle that escapes my throat at her ridiculous attempt to pull me out of my head.
“I could get used to hearing that.” She smiles, opening her eyes and pinning them directly on me. “So, what are you going to do?”
“I don't know.” I admit, having still not worked it out fully in my mind. “I can't just up and leave Kari without any notice. And then finding Westin once I get there..... No idea.” I shrug. “I don't even know where he lives.”
“Then go to the one place you know he will be.” She says. Immediately I can feel my heart drop somewhere into my stomach.
“I can't.” I say, more to myself than anything.
“You can't or you won't?” She asks, reminding me of the very question I asked Westin.
“Is there a difference?” I ask, pinning my eyes back on her beautiful face. Even in sweats and not an ounce of makeup on, this girl looks runway ready.
“You know the answer to that better than I do.” She says, taking another drink of her wine. “But I think so.” She tacks on.
“I don't think I could risk it.” I admit. “What happens if he's there? If I have to come face to face with the person I ran away from eight years ago? The person I have not spoken a word to since then? What then?”
“You take care of the reason why you are there and then you do what you did eight years ago. You leave.” She says, making it sound so much simpler than I know it will be.
“But then I risk exposing me and Westin's relationship. If my father knows we are involved again, there's no telling the lengths he will go to. Westin will never be free of him. Not unless he is willing to give up everything he's spent the last few years working towards.”
“There's no way your father holds that much power.” She says, shaking her head at me.
“You don't know my father.” I warn. “I have seen it first hand. If Westin acts against him, my father has the power to ruin his name. Westin will never be able to work for a large firm again. He will definitely never find a job anywhere in California or any other major city. Jonathan Ryan has ties all over the world.”
“But Maine?” Jamie asks, raising her eyebrows at me.
“No. I mean, I know that he could find a job with a local attorneys office and probably do okay for himself, but that's not Westin. He's power and control and he wants the best of everything. He would never be happy settling for less than that.”
“Funny.” Jamie says, pausing before continuing. “He sounds a lot like your father when you talk about him like that.” She crinkles her forehead, apology laced in her words.
“But he's not.” I say, not sure if I am trying to convince her or myself.
“Are you sure about that?” She asks, studying me for a long moment.
“Yes.” I finally say. “Yes. I'm sure.”
“Then maybe he wouldn't mind a quieter life here with you.”
“But then why not walk away from Jonathan when I asked him to?” I voice my question out loud.
“Maybe there's something he's not telling you.” She says, speaking my very concern.
“That was my gut reaction in the airport. Something just isn't adding up. He says he loves me and he wants to be with me and he acts like he is miserable working for Jonathan, so then why his hesitation to leave?”
“Maybe that's something you need to find out.” Jamie says, her lips turning up in a mischievous smile. “So what are you going to do about it Scarlett?” She asks.
“I'm going to make him tell me the truth.” I say, thinking long and hard before saying my next words. “I'm going to California.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
The trip to California feels like an eternity. As soon as I get settled on one flight and feel like I might get even an ounce of sleep, the flight lands and I am stuck in a crowded airport for nearly two hours waiting for the next flight. How Westin did this so many times is beyond me. Yet another thing I didn't give him credit for until now.
I shoot Kari a quick text message checking in before boarding my last flight. The one that will land in California and put me that much closer to getting the answers I am hoping this trip will provide.
