Floating Hearts: Book One, page 30
Alex smiled at me and kissed my forehead, "Yes, she will. Someday we will all be happy again and the pain will subside. Even for you.”
I looked at Alex, felt him holding my hand and in that moment I was happy. I was happy to have him by my side. To have someone with me who is there for me and helps me to cope with all this. I was happy and sad at the same time because you were so distant from me.
I stopped.
"What’s wrong? The grave is two rows away,” Alex asked, confused.
"I know but ... but Alex, I think I’m happy. I mean, of course I miss Nici a lot, and it still hurts like hell too. But still, I’m happy too. I’m happy to have you. Do you think that’s heartless?"
Alex brushed a strand of hair behind my right ear with a smile, shaking his head, "No Sandra, you are anything but heartless. I want you to be happy. And you have no idea how happy you make me. But what I meant, was to be happy in general.
"I can see how much you miss Dominic and how much his death still troubles you and hurts you. And he was one of my best friends. I was with him when it happened. I tried everything, really everything, but he just died. Whenever I see Anna, I see her kneeling over Dominic, holding him, and the pain, the despair in her eyes. And you know what the worst part is? You know what was going through my mind at that moment?”
I swallowed and shook my head. "What was going through your mind?”
"What if it were Sandra, what if she were lying here? She’d never know how fond I am of her, that she’s the only one I’ve ever felt that way about and ever will. She would never know that I loved her.
"I was just thinking about you. Not about how Anna was doing, no, just how I would be doing if you had gotten hit by a car. Damn it, Sandra, he was one of my best friends and I think about myself in a moment like that!”
Alex’s eyes sparkled angrily.
I stared at Alex. He was really thinking that? The moment you lay dying in your friend’s arms, he was thinking of me. Just like I always thought of him when I was feeling bad. Even when I was in such terrible pain the day it happened – even then I thought only of him.
I slowly stroked Alex’s cheek.
"Alex, it’s okay. You did everything you could. And Dominic wanted you and me to be together. The day we came to Vienna for Dominic’s funeral, I thought about how much I long to be in your arms and how much I want you to feel about me the way I feel about you.
"Yes, I have also thought of you during all this time, and the worse I have felt, the more I have thought of you, and then I always felt better. I also had the thought, what if it were Alex who was hit? How was I going to be happy without him? I really loved Dominic; he was my cousin. But that doesn’t or wasn’t a comparison to how I feel about you. I too would have absolutely no idea how to go on if it had happened to you. Because then I would have had no one to ease my pain.
"What you can do, what you accomplish with me, Nici never accomplished, because to me you’re just my ... my BOOM mensch. And if you lose this one, I don’t think you can ever really be happy again.
"For those thoughts, I felt pretty damn bad. But damn it, Alex, I know that even though we’ve only known each other or had each other back for such a short time, I’m sure I’ll never have feelings for anyone the way I have for you. There’s no second time for something that big.”
Alex smiled sadly at me and stroked the strand of hair behind my ear again. He didn’t need to say anything at that moment. I knew what he was feeling. Infinite sadness, but also gratitude. Gratitude that we still had each other. And this feeling, which was actually good, at the same time triggered a guilty conscience. But we don’t need to have that, because you wanted us to be happy again. You would hate yourself if I, if we, remained unhappy because of you.
I took my backpack off my back, took my phone out of my pocket, and showed Alex the last message I got from you.
‘He really likes you, give him a chance. Without you, he’ll just do something stupid anyway. He needs you as much as you need him.’
Alex smiled slightly and whispered, "Yes I do, I really need you.”
And I need him more than he can imagine. More than I want to. I took his hand and we walked to your grave.
I stood right in front of it and stared at the tombstone. Alex stood behind me and embraced me with his arms.
I imagined you smiling at us and saying, ‘Well, did he finally get you?’
And I would have replied ‘Oh, admit it, you only set him on me so you wouldn’t have to take care of me anymore and could spend more time with Anna.’
Suddenly, I got angry.
"We had so many plans!” I exclaimed, sobbing. "We were going to spend the summer together. The summer I was now alone in the States. We were going to study together, make Vienna unsafe together and have parties. We were going to live together and well, now I’m here and you’re gone, and Jack is in in the States.”
I felt Alex pull me towards him and hug me tightly. I buried my face in his chest, closed my eyes, and continued to cry.
‘You have Alex now,’ I heard your voice suddenly.
‘But I want you too. Anna needs you. You need each other. Little L needs you. We all need you. Come back here! You have to play the piano with me. You have to be there for Anna,’ I replied in my mind.
Anna will be better soon. Thomas is taking good care of her. He has really changed. He will make her happy again’, I heard your answer.
I covered my ears. I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t want you to say something like that in my mind. I wanted you to come back. Back to me, back to Anna, back to Alex.
"Everything okay?” Alex whispered in my ear.
"No, nothing is okay! I want him to come back. He can’t just leave us here alone. He can’t abandon Anna after all, and he promised me we’d hitchhike across the States for the vacations. He didn’t keep it. I was alone, without you, without him, without ...”, I sobbed angrily.
Alex squeezed me tighter again and held me until I calmed down.
It just all came crashing down on me again. I felt so powerless. I was so exhausted and so infinitely tired.
"Are you feeling any better?” Alex wiped the tears from my face.
"Yeah, sorry, I don’t know what suddenly came over me. But somehow, I guess today was all a bit much. I’m not quite myself, and I’m just so tired. The time change, the first day of school, and then the fight ...”
"I’m sorry,” Alex interrupted me.
"Come on, Sandra, let’s go home. The boys still have band practice anyway, and you look pretty beat. You’re clearly struggling with jet lag,” Anna smiled at me.
I nodded.
Wordlessly, I walked back to the car alongside Alex. He took Anna home first. Thomas wanted to stay with her for a short time and join Alex at half past five to rehearse.
I was so tired that I fell asleep in the car. I fell into a deep sleep.
At some point I realized that we were standing somewhere, and Alex said something to me, but I didn’t understand the meaning of his words. I tried to understand him, but I was too tired.
Suddenly I felt myself being lifted out of the car and finally I was in Alex’s arms.
Was this a dream? I didn’t know. I heard Alex’s voice. He seemed to be talking to someone while carrying me. Then I felt something soft underneath me. My bed, finally my bed. Someone was pulling at my legs. I tried to open my eyes. Finally, I succeeded. I was in my room, in my bed, and Alex was just about to tuck me in. I wanted him to stay, to hold me until I fell asleep again. I reached out my hand to him. "Alex, can you stay a little longer?”
He nodded, smiling. I lifted my blanket and he slid over to me and took me in his arms.
When I woke up again, it was already dark, and I was alone in bed. I had to get my bearings first. At the same time, I noticed that I was hugely hungry. No wonder, I had eaten the last time at noon on the way to the cemetery.
It was quiet in the house. I glanced at my cell phone. It was nine o’clock in the evening and Alex had written.
Alex had written!
He had written, even though we had only just seen each other.
"Hi, didn’t wanna wake u when I left, slept so soundly. 2morrow half past 7 on time your place. ILU. xoxoxo”
I had to smile. Alex had thought of me when he was away from me, and he wants to pick me up tomorrow to go to school together again.
I wrote back. "Looking 4wrd to 2morrow. Love u2.”
Love you too. I had never written that before. To write that, to really be able to write it, was simply amazing.
With my phone in my hand, I went downstairs to the kitchen to make myself something to eat.
As I entered the hallway of our floor, I heard a soft snoring coming from Mom and Dad’s bedroom. So, I was no longer alone. Mom and Dad were definitely home by now. I breathed a sigh of relief. I always have a queasy feeling when I am alone in this big house at night. Of course, I also have the two dogs, but I just feel more comfortable when there are other people around, too. I’m just a chicken, like you always said. And since Uncle Martin and Aunt Elisabeth are on night duty tonight, I was glad that Mom and Dad were already home.
On the way to the kitchen, my cell phone vibrated.
Alex had answered: "‘U’re awake? Thought u’d sleep through until 2morrow, tired as you were.”
"Hungry, gotta eat, then back to sleep,” I typed back.
"Sure, u can’t sleep well if u’re hungry. Make yourself something tasty then. Have another round with the boys. C u 2morrow.”
If Alex writes that they wanted to play another round, then it will certainly turn into a couple of hours, I know that from you.
"Oh, well that will certainly b late, as I know u. *lol* Have fun and don’t sleep in 2morrow.”
"I never would, *rofl*”
The moment I was about to enter the kitchen, Grandma came towards me with a sandwich. We both startled when we saw the other. Then we started laughing loudly.
"Grandma what are you doing? I thought you were with Aunt Sophie and Uncle Hartmut.”
Grandma smiled, "Uncle Hartmut wanted to go out with your Aunt tonight. Besides, Little L prefers to be here at the moment. That’s why we came back here after lunch.”
Well, and now Grandma had just been about to bring me a sandwich upstairs, because Alex had told her that I had been too tired to eat a snack on the way home. I hadn’t even been able to get out of the car and go to my room, so he had carried me upstairs and laid me down.
Yes, that’s what Alex did. He carried me to bed and I hadn’t even really noticed. While I ate the sandwich, I told Grandma about my day and then went back to bed with a full belly.
I grabbed the laptop to Skype with Jack for a bit. And after that I decided to write you a few lines.
And here I am now sitting and writing to you. But now I really have no more energy left. I type one last message to Alex: "go back 2 sleep now. miss u. looking forward to 2morrow.”
Before I have even plugged in the phone, he replies: "u2. Sleep well, my angel. C u 2morrow. <3”
Yes, I will. I’ll sleep well because I’m happy for the first time in a long time, even though you’re gone.
Subscribe to my newsletter
If you enjoyed the book, subscribe to my newsletter to be kept up to date on new releases and special promotions. You won’t receive an e-mail more than once a month.
Sign up here:
https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/w8f6u4
Let your heart float!
Acknowledgements
S andra and Alex, along with their friends and families, have been with me for four years now. Four years in which my friends and family had to have a lot of patience with me, because they regularly found me caught in a world of thoughts far away from reality or had to listen to the stories of Alex, Sandra, and their friends. And since the gang will surely experience a lot more, the patience of the people around me will probably be put to the test even more.
For the fact that they have not only put up with me for so long but have also supported and helped me in what I do, I would like to thank from the bottom of my heart all the people who have walked this path with me so far and have always believed in me and given me courage when I doubted. My biggest thanks go to my husband, without whom Alex, Sandra and the whole gang would probably never have come to life. He coaxed me for so long to finally make my dream of writing come true, until I finally did.
But without the help of my friend Sandra, the novel character Sandra would have turned into a meaningless teenager with no problems and a dull life. She already disillusioned me after my first written chapters and told me how boring my book was. So, I set about rewriting it. I don’t know how many times Sandra had to read the first few chapters before they became what they are now. Whether they are no longer boring is not for me to decide, but Sandra Richter’s life has changed quite a bit.
I would also like to thank my friends Elisabeth and Tanja, who were the perfect beta readers for my German Edition and took the time to proofread the book despite their jobs and personal lives. As well as my friend Vella who always has lots of advice and tipps and Tammy for doing a real great job in beta-reading my books.
Of course, people like my cousin Claudia, or other friends like Maria, Stephan and so on, helped me extremely by simply being there and letting me rant when I got stuck.
Only by the support of this group of friends, of which certainly still many persons were not named, it was possible for me to create this novel.
Some of the people think that the characters in the story have similarities with people from my private life. I was even told that they recognized Sandra Richter in me. Well, I personally can only disagree *lol* and only say that my Mom has nothing in common with Sandra’s Mom at all. On the contrary, she supports me in all matters and is more like Maria Parker…
Excerpt
A new beginning
Friday, September 11th
H ello Dominic,
The last days, the first ones in Vienna, were really mega exhausting. And I also have to get used to the school system her-e.
Not that it’s bad, on the contrary. I think it’s really cool how classes are organized here. That you’re not in class with different people every lesson and that the teachers usually come to us. But the system is also complicated. Until now, I always thought that in Austria you just go to school until you’re 19, because that’s how it was with you and Flo. But that’s not the case. Julia explained this to me yesterday, after I had found out that I had to submit a topic for my Matura paper by Christmas (that is if I’d stay till next schoolyear which of course is up to Mum and Dad), since we would already be graduating next year. Which of course left me utterly astonished. So, she had enlightened me that a normal High School, or grammar school as it’s called in Austria, only lasts eight years. However, schools like technical colleges, those where you apparently have the opportunity to learn a profession, have to be attended for one year longer. And as far as Alex and the boys are concerned, which also applied to you, our school is obviously a special form and a kind of school trial. Actually, it is a grammar school with a music program, but it differs from other such schools in that after graduation you have mastered at least two musical instruments so perfectly that you could teach them straight away. The same applies to the sports pro-gram at our school. Therefore, our boys have to go to gram-mar school for nine years instead of eight.
It’s crazy how many different types of schools there are here in Austria. But it’s also cool because I have Alex with me at school for another year – if he had been at a ‘normal’ High School, he would have graduated last year and I would have had to cope with everyday school life without him.
At school, we spent all the breaks so far with preparing for the concert of our guys. After school, I was on Little L duty for the last three days and additionally had to run some errands for the concert tomorrow.
On Wednesday, Alex and I even fell asleep together with Little L. Yesterday, when Alex went home, I was dead tired and just fell into bed.
Well, maybe the jet lag of the last few days got to me. Anyway, today is the first day that I feel somewhat able to do some writing.
It is now 8:30 pm. Little L is already asleep in grandma and grandpa’s room. Today, since Alex has no time in the evening, grandma and grandpa came home early and took Little L from me. Alex went home about two hours ago, after we had spent the afternoon together with Little L and Boris. He has to take care of some things at home and prepare the musical instruments.
Boris and I skyped with Jack for two hours after Alex had left. I … erm … we really miss Jack tremendously. I write to him throughout the day, but it’s just not the same as having him there right in front of me.
Jack says he feels the same way. It’s so unusual for him not to have me by his side all the time. But apart from that, he is doing quite well. He misses Boris terribly, but they skype for at least two hours a day. That’s why we’d planned a session with the three of us today. Otherwise Jack wouldn’t be able to do anything except skyping. And at some point he should show up for band practice or football training. *lol* Other than that, there’s not much else going on with him.
I’ve also been texting with Ashley, Jessica, and David on and off, and yesterday I talked to Jessica briefly on the phone at lunchtime after school (before she left for school). Yes, with the nine-hour time difference, talking on the phone is pretty complicated. But on Sunday, Jack’s birthday, we agreed to all meet in front of the computer at 6pm our time. I hope that I – or rather, that we (Boris and I) – will be home by then, because before that, we’ll have to knock the gym into shape, where the concert will take place tomorrow. But Alex thinks that everything will work out. And he would know. *lol*
So, but now I’ll tell you the most important things of the last days.
