Floating Hearts: Book One, page 27
Boris nodded with a smile, told her a bit about San Francisco and about David, Jack, Ashley and Jessica. However, I could clearly see that his thoughts were only on one of them.
After Boris finished his report, the election for class president was held. This is also something that’s totally different to the US. I remembered you talking about it once when you were first elected and totally confused me with your story. I couldn’t imagine how you could have become a president just because of saying some words in front of 20-something kids. But without doing any propaganda or hanging up posters or so. Okay, I couldn’t imagine this strange class-system you’d described to me either.
But now that I’m here in Vienna and have seen everything with my own eyes, I get it. So, a class president here is not someone who represents an entire grade, but only their class. Whereas the grade consists of several classes at our school there are four 7th grade classes. The class in turn only consists of a maximum of 30 students. And since the classes here remain the same over the years, they know each other well enough to be able to vote for class representatives without much fuss.
In today’s election, Julia was elected almost unanimously, as I was told she had been the years before, and Anna was chosen as her deputy.
However, I must admit that I was not entirely focused on the matter mentally. My thoughts kept drifting to the class across the hall and I wondered what was going on in Alex’s class. But whenever I caught myself daydreaming, I tried to get my thoughts back under control right away.
I really must learn not to think about him all the time. I have to follow the lessons, otherwise I really can’t keep up here. But that’s easier said than done…
As soon as the bell rang for the break, Alex, Felix, Sebastian, and Thomas were right there in our classroom. After I had been greeted by the latter three, I could finally turn to Alex. He smiled briefly at me and stroked my back.
Somehow, he was weird. I looked up at him. He gave me a light, quick kiss and inquired, "So, how was your first lesson?”
I shrugged and then just automatically started talking.
"Good, Julia was elected class president again.”
I knew Alex wanted to know how I was doing, if I was more cheerful again. But I just didn’t want to discuss this topic at the moment.
Alex seemed to notice this and eyed his cousin with amusement. "Well, thank goodness! If it hadn’t been for that, imagine what we would have endured over the next few days.”
I laughed. I could well imagine that.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Julia kick his shin pretty hard. Ouch, that was likely to bruise. Felix gave his girlfriend a playfully reproachful look. But Alex didn’t let on, but instead ran his hand through his hair – without even making a face.
I reached for his hand, pulled him down to me a bit and whispered, "I’m so glad you’re here.”
"Where else would I be?” he smiled, giving my hand a quick squeeze.
But he withdrew it again immediately, gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, said goodbye to us together with Sebastian and went back to his class with him. There he was already expected by a bunch of girls.
I thought to myself, ‘Well, this is going to be fun,’ and tried to take my mind off things by turning my attention back to Boris.
Julia was just about to kiss Felix goodbye and Anna exchanged a few words with Thomas. Then they both went back to their classes.
The second lesson was delivered again by the head of our class, this time on history. But we didn’t do anything serious. I got all kinds of information about administrative matters and the rest of the year.
After I had received all this in writing, Professor Stöckel pointed out the concert of the school band for the opening of the school year, which will take place this Saturday evening in the festival hall. Julia and Anna had already put up some posters and flyers were distributed to all students.
Julia, Anna, Boris and two other girls, one of whom was named Jenny, were reminded that this time they were responsible for preparing the drinks and decorating the room.
"Whoa, that stupid cow of Jennifer’s is only helping out because of Felix. She is following him around so much that it’s really annoying,” Julia whispered to me, irritated.
I had no idea who exactly she was talking about. But before I could ask, she changed the subject again and asked if I wanted to help.
Since Anna and Boris also joined in and I could imagine that Alex would have to rehearse constantly during the next week anyway and that I would be on baby duty when I was at home, I gratefully accepted the offer. So, I was added to the list of volunteers and the lesson was over.
Alex did not join us this time, unlike Thomas, who was visiting Anna. When I looked over to Alex’ classroom and wondered if I should go to him, I saw him standing in the hall surrounded by some girls. He was smiling, running his hands through his hair, and seemed to be having a good time. He was visibly distracted and didn’t even look over at me.
I saw one of the chicks stroking his arm. Somehow, I didn’t understand the world anymore. I had really thought that between him and me everything would be good again. But now I saw him standing over there and obviously flirting with others.
He couldn’t really think that I didn’t mind. We had already had this discussion in the summer. Had he forgotten about it? And immediately the next fear arose in me ... In the end Alex had enough of me because I had not slept with him last night.
"Sandra, is everything okay?”, Julia suddenly asked me, when Felix finally entered our class, yet didn’t go straight for Julia, but started chatting with a brown-haired girl from our class.
I shook my head. "No, not really. Tell me, is Alex always like this? Does he always flirt with all the chicks?”
Julia looked down at the floor, "I have no idea what was going on with you and David. But Alex was totally different after you had flown to San Francisco. And then suddenly, a little over a week ago, his behavior completely changed, and he went back to the way he was before.
"I think he thought that you and David were back to ... well, you know. I mean, he didn’t have anything with anybody, and he still doesn’t, I know that for a fact. But he’s just kind of acting like he used to, in terms of flirting. Whereas – they all do that, Felix isn’t much better.”
I noticed how Julia gave Felix a reproachful look when she said that. He reacted immediately, separated himself from the person he was talking to and came over to us.
I could hardly believe what Julia had just said to me.
"Nothing happened,” I replied. "Nothing at all was between David and me, and that’s what I told Alex. He thought that I had started something with David again, but I explained to him that there was nothing but friendship. Alex knows exactly how fond I am of him and that I would never, ever, ever start anything with anyone else.”
I was so angry. I would have loved to get up and pull Alex away. But I didn’t want to give myself that embarrassment.
I angrily jumped up from my chair, leaving Julia and Felix, who by now was standing with us with his arm around Julia, stunned, and left the class.
I walked past Alex without even looking at him, threw my hair over my shoulder and disappeared to the toilet to rinse my face with cold water and calm down again.
I just couldn’t believe it. Yesterday I had been so happy to see him, I had allowed myself to be swept away in his arms, I would have liked to keep him with me overnight, and today, today he showed his true colors again. I wondered how I could have been so stupid and actually believe that he was serious about me and that I was something special for him.
"Sandra, are you okay?” Anna had joined me in the restroom.
She was the last person I wanted to annoy with my frustration and lovesickness. After all, she was much worse off than I was. She had just lost her boyfriend, forever. You are dead. I still had mine, even if Alex was standing out there flirting – he was still there, and I could see him.
"Yeah, I’m okay,” I tried to smile.
"Sandra, come on, you don’t have to go easy on me. I can see, you know? I totally get what’s going on out there.”
I sighed, trying to hold back the tears.
"To be honest, I have no idea what’s going on with him. But if he thinks I’m going to watch him behave recklessly at school and then come to me in the afternoon like everything’s fine, he’s got another thing coming. We’ve already had this discussion in the holidays and I’m certainly not going to explain to him again how much it sucks when he acts like that.”
"I understand that. I wouldn’t go along with that either.”
I wanted to change the subject. I didn’t want to talk about Alex anymore and get in Anna’s face about it. Even if she said it was okay. I could see how much she was suffering from having to watch all the relationship drama and reconciliations at school every day, but never being able to experience all that with you again. She can never touch you again, never kiss you again.
"Say, Anna, do you have any plans after school today?”
She shook her head. "Not really. I was going to meet Thomas after the boys’ rehearsal. But I have time before that.”
"Do you want to go to Dominic’s cemetery with me? I’d like to go right after school.”
I concealed the fact that Alex actually wanted to take me. At that moment, I was sure I would take a cab or an Uber.
"Yes, I’d love to.”
"Perfect,” I smiled and headed for the door to go back to class.
"Sandra, wait,” Anna held me back. "I don’t know what’s going on with Alex right now, but he really loves you. He was looking at you the whole time you were walking here.
"Dominic said to me then, after your last phone call, that he couldn’t believe that his little cousin, of all people, had been able to win Alex’s heart. He said that it was hard enough to believe that someone had managed to win Alex over and trigger such feelings in him. But that it was you, of all people, made him proud somehow.
"And Dominic was right. You really did succeed.”
"Yes, maybe Alex feels something for me, but apparently not enough. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be doing this to me.
"I just don’t know what to do right now. All I know is that I love him terribly and he’s hurting the hell out of me with what he’s doing right now. Now let’s get back, break’s about over.”
Anna nodded and whispered, "Don’t let him go. Hold him as long as you can, Sandra.”
Then she and I left the restroom together.
When we stepped into the hallway, Alex was standing in front of his class chatting with some boys. This time I noticed that he was looking at me. But I ignored him and went back to our class, where Julia and Boris were waiting for Anna and me.
Julia wanted to ask me something, but I had no energy. I just shook my head, sat down in my seat, rested my head on my folded arms and tried not to think about Alex and how much he had just hurt me, how much I loved him and how little he seemed to feel for me.
The ringing of the bell snapped me out of my thoughts. I straightened up again and at that moment a tall, brown-haired, elderly gentleman came through the door, introducing himself as Professor Beck, the physics teacher.
At the beginning of the lesson, he explained what was in store for us in physics this year (much of which I had already done in the States) and for the rest of the lesson we chatted about the vacations. At the end of the lesson, Professor Beck came to see me again, offering his love to your mom and informing me that he had been your head teacher and that he had held you in high esteem.
I remember that you sometimes mentioned him in stories. Yes, you thought he was pretty cool and commented that you had the best head of class in the whole school.
I replied that you had told me about him and liked him too.
During the lesson, I had had enough time to calm down. With Anna’s words in mind, I had resolved to go to Alex to talk to him. But just as I entered the hallway, I saw him standing by that Manuela. He smiled at her, running his hand through his hair again, and she put her arm around his waist.
I gulped.
Damn, Nici, it really seemed like something was going on between them.
With my mouth open, I looked at the two of them. When Alex saw me, I turned around in a rage and marched to the end of our hallway.
To be honest, I had no idea what I was doing there or where I was going. I just wanted to get away from this horrible hallway where Alex was flirting with one chick after another.
I didn’t want to talk to Julia, Anna, Boris or anyone else. I just wanted to be alone and process what I had just experienced.
But before I could even reach the stairs leading away from our hallway, I was grabbed by the arm. Angrily, I turned around and saw that it was Alex who was clutching my arm.
"Let go of me!” I hissed at him.
But he didn’t think of it and just pulled me with him. I tried to pull away, but his grip was ironclad on my wrist. He pulled me past our classes through a door that led to another hallway that was deserted. There he let go of me.
"Well, can I go now?” I asked coldly, reaching for the door handle.
I had nothing to say to Alex. I didn’t want to say anything to him. I was too angry and too disappointed.
But he stood in front of the door and wouldn’t let me pass.
"What’s wrong mit dir anyway? Isn’t there anything you have to tell me? Wie lange do you expect me zu warten until you come out with the truth? You haven’t been in meiner Klasse once so far. Du ignorierst mich, you wouldn’t even look at me when we saw each other in the hall und nun you simply wanna leave?” he attacked me in a loud voice.
Actually, I should have noticed right after this sentence that Alex was really angry and hurt, because he did exactly what you said he always does when it gets really emotional. That is, when he argues with people who really mean a lot to him or is hurt by them: He switches between languages like crazy.
Really, Nici, he spoke in a gibberish of German and English that I myself didn’t know anymore which language we were using. And that’s how it always happened to me, just like you, and I also began to switch back and forth in confusion.
Now that I’m writing this down and it’s going through my head again, it’s really funny, but at that moment it wasn’t at all. I was just really devastated. Pissed off, angry, sad, and I don’t know what else ...
I looked at him aghast, "You want to know was das Problem ist with me? Honestly, I’d like to know that too.
"And about what truth sprichst du? The one where you are breaking my Herz by doing whatever with these girls? I’m certainly not the one, who is flirting mir anderen, without so much as looking at you. I’m also not the one who lets everyone grope at me and falls back into old patterns of behavior. So, are you seriously asking me, was das Problem ist? Honestly, I’m asking myself how stupid I’ve been zu believe that you are serious about us. I really trusted you and thought that you’d really love me. Wie dumm can you be?”
"You were stupid? Komm schon! You had your David im Sommer! While I kept waiting for you wie ein Idiot you’ve been enjoying life.”
"You’re crazy! David und ich haven’t been a couple since I first saw you. I haven’t had anyone else seit dem Moment I saw you.
"I’m not like that and you do know that. I cried my eyes out every day because of you ... because ich habe dich so freaking much vermisst – you can ask Jack about that.
"But what you did there today is really pathetic. Du denkst not really, I’m going to come to you when you’re flirting with all those chicks in front of me, oder? I think I made it noticeably clear to you at the public outdoor pool diesen Sommer how I felt about that.”
I was so pissed. How could he accuse me of something like that? Like hell he’d just been sitting around! What I had seen before didn’t look much like that to me.
"Oh, come on, Sandra, you can’t even say you love me. Du kannst es simply not. You haven’t said it since the one eve you had dieses hohe fever. So please don’t act like dass du mich vermisst hast so much this summer and I was really hurting your feelings. Because ... you know what ... you can fool someone else about that,” Alex snapped at me.
‘Not that, please not that,’ I thought to myself. ‘Please don’t ask me to say that right now.’
Suddenly all my anger was gone, and pure desperation came up inside me. If I said that now, then I would lose him, then he would surely leave. Just like you did.
Alex stared at me.
I had to say it, I had to try.
"Yes, I can say it, because I do!”, I shouted.
"I ... I ...” Tears streamed down my cheeks.
I couldn’t.
"There we go ... you can’t, and I can tell you why ... because you’re still stuck on David!”
Alex’s words sounded cold, and his gaze was hard. Then he turned around, yanked open the door and walked towards his class.
And at that moment I knew that if I didn’t tell him, I would lose him too. I had to fight for him. I had to do it, then at least he would know how I felt when he left.
"No, Alex wait! Wait!”
This time I screamed not out of anger, but out of desperation.
Tears ran down my cheeks as I ran after him. I noticed that everyone was staring at me. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care what they thought or talked about me.
I didn’t want to lose Alex.
He turned around to face me.
I reached for his hand and whispered, "It’s not because of Dave ... It’s because I’m afraid ... that if I say it, I’m going to lose you. Like I lost Dominic. You know, people just go if I tell them that I love them.”
The bell rang to end the pause, but neither Alex nor I responded. He came towards me again.
