Return to Rosalee Station, page 9
Climbing from the bed, she walked to the ensuite, wondering why Duke was nowhere to be seen – Matt must have let him out. Even though he was her dog, Duke was going to feel Matt’s absence too. After washing her face, she brushed her teeth and then pulled her hair up into a bun. There was no way in hell a brush went anywhere near her hair when it was dry, or she’d look like she’d stuck her finger into an electrical socket. Then she pulled on her favourite denim shorts and a long-sleeved shirt, tugged on her Ugg boots, quickly made the bed and picked up the few clothes Matt had dropped on the floor (a habit she’d never got used to and one that irked her no end), and tossed them into the laundry basket as she wandered past. Then, taking a deep breath and with determined steps, she soldiered out the bedroom, down the hallway, descended the steps two at a time and walked into the kitchen, ready for a good morning kiss and cuddle. She was sure things had improved between them – how could they not after a night of making love?
‘Morning, Sarah.’ Already sitting at the table, Matt didn’t break a smile and didn’t stand to kiss her. Instead, he remained engrossed in his mobile phone. His dishevelled hair was damp from a shower. He must have had one in the guest bathroom and as much as it shouldn’t, it really pissed her off. It was always the little things that grew into something way bigger, way more provoking.
‘Morning.’ She forced a smile.
Silence hung in the room. Last night now felt like a dream; the energy between them had gone right back to how it had been the past twelve months – detached, cold, heartbreaking.
He placed his phone down on the table. ‘Sorry I didn’t stay in bed until you woke up, but I’d been lying awake for hours and ...’
Spooning a heaped teaspoon of coffee into the mug she’d just banged down on the counter, she cut him off. ‘No worries, I’m used to it.’ Anger and resentment bubbled inside her. Clenching her jaw, she made sure to keep her back to him. It was easier to be hard-hitting and stay angry with him when she wasn’t looking into his soulful eyes.
Matt sighed as if to say, Here we go. ‘Used to what?’ There was an edge to his voice.
‘Waking up on my own.’ Her tone was cutting. She stole a glance over her shoulder as she pulled the sugar bowl down from the shelf above the kettle. ‘What did you think I meant?’
His brows knitted into a frown. ‘Exactly that, but I wanted to make sure. I never know what I’m in the shit for anymore. It’s always something different with you.’
His words stung, burnt her, and scratched at her soul. She was far from a cantankerous woman, which is exactly what he was making her out to be. ‘Yeah, well, maybe if you weren’t so goddamn selfish, and didn’t get so goddamn drunk all the time, I wouldn’t have so much to bloody well complain about.’ She stormed past him to get the milk from the fridge. Swinging the door open, it slammed against the kitchen bench. She plucked the carton out and slammed the door shut, taken aback by the rage coursing through her.
‘We don’t need to do this.’ His tone was cautionary.
‘No, we don’t.’
He laced his hands behind his neck. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t stay in bed with you, Sarah.’
‘Righto, whatever.’ Shrugging, she focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Pouring in a splash of milk, she stirred her coffee into a storm, the teaspoon clanking noisily. ‘Like I said, I’m used to it.’ She wanted to scream at him, wanted to tell him he shouldn’t have made love to her if he intended to be so distant in the morning, wanted to tell him he was pushing her to her limits, wanted to tell him to never come back just because she was so damn hurt and mad, but she bit it all back, pushing it to where she’d pushed everything else this past year. What good would it do, going over the same old things again?
Matt smiled sadly. ‘Fair enough.’
She glanced at her watch. Less than an hour and they would have to head to the airport. ‘You almost ready to go?’ She tried to keep her voice even and the tears from her eyes.
‘Yup, got to pack a couple more things and then I’m good to hit the road.’ He brushed his hands over his face, his five o’clock shadow only deepening the dimple in his chin she’d always found so endearing. ‘I don’t need you to drive me to Cairns.’
Sarah flinched. ‘Why? Who’s taking you?’
‘Liam needs to go there anyway, to get some parts for his LandCruiser, so he’s offered to take me.’
‘Oh, righto ... you reckon you could have let me know before now?’
‘Sorry, slipped my mind.’
‘I wouldn’t have minded getting away for the day, you know.’ The small piece of her heart that was somehow still intact suddenly cracked. ‘It’s like you can’t get away from me quick enough.’
‘I didn’t mean anything by it, Sarah, I was just trying to save you the trip.’
‘Okay, well, thanks.’ She felt as if she were balancing on the tightrope of love, the drop so deep, so dark, that if she fell she would surely die because Matt couldn’t be arsed to catch her. A part of her felt like he’d just used her for sex before heading out to the station, or maybe it was some last ditch effort to remind her what he could be if he tried. But she wasn’t going to mention it, wanting to hold on to the rare intimate night they’d shared, just in case it was their last. ‘You had breakfast?’
Matt held his cup up. ‘Having it.’
She nodded. Matt cleared his throat then began thrumming the table top. The clock above the oven ticked loudly, but otherwise silence pounded the walls. She turned away from him and kept herself busy making toast she really didn’t feel like eating, cursing beneath her breath when she popped it down for a second time and then burnt it. Storming to the bin, she tossed it in. Then, on the brink of tears, she stared out the window while taking sips of her coffee.
‘Sarah, are you okay?’ Matt’s voice was soft, tender.
Her heart yielded and reached for his. She hated how one minute she could be so mad at him and the next minute loving him, and vice versa. What do you fucking think? she wanted to yell, but said, ‘Yup, all good, thanks.’ She pushed the window open wider, desperate for fresh air. A breeze whipped through, lifting the curtains, and as it did she caught a whiff of rum. Spinning on her heel, she glared at him. ‘Is there alcohol in your coffee?’
His lips clamped shut. Shame filled his gaze. He shook his head in one jerky movement of denial, which told her everything.
‘What the fuck, Matt? Great bloody start this is.’
‘I’m nervous about leaving and I wanted to take the edge off.’
Disappointment pummelled her insides like a boxer’s fists. She eyed him incredulously, shaking her head.
He offered her a disillusioned smile. ‘And there it is.’
‘There what is, Matt?’
‘That look, the one you give me every single day. The one that lets me know how much of a disappointment I am to you.’
‘Well, what do you expect? I can’t help the way I feel, when you’re the one making me feel that way.’
‘Yes, you’re right, I am the one making you feel like that, unintentionally by the way. And that’s why I need to get the fuck out of here, so I can get my shit together.’ He stood abruptly. Breathing heavily, he gripped the edges of the table. ‘I’m not a complete and utter failure, Sarah. I am a good man beneath all of this, not that you want to acknowledge that. A piece of me died the day Eve did, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be the man you fell in love with, the man you want me to be again. What then, huh?’
She went to say something, anything, but he’d verbally slapped her into bewilderment. Had she really made things that hard for him? Was she so deep in her own grief that she hadn’t noticed she was doing to him what he was doing to her, just in different ways? Her chest and throat tightened, the reality of their situation landing on her like a tonne of bricks. She forced herself to breathe deeply. Unable to look at him any longer, she turned back to the window, wrapping her arms around herself as if to stop from breaking.
Matt’s footsteps came up behind her. His hand came down upon her shoulder. She stiffened beneath his touch. He guided her to turn around, and when she did, she was met with his wretchedness, and a deep-set heartache she knew so well. This mess they were in – they’d done this to each other.
Matt’s lips trembled. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Please, Matt, stop saying sorry.’ Her chin quivered but she raised it stubbornly. She. Was. Not. Going. To. Cry.
‘But I am, and you don’t seem to believe me, so I feel like I have to keep saying it until you do.’
‘I’m sorry too, for a lot of things.’ Her voice was choked. She churned inside with newfound guilt.
Cradling her head in his hands, he kissed her forehead, and then her nose, cheeks, and slowly trailed his lips to her mouth. His kiss was full of love and sincerity. They said things so much better without uttering a word. As mad as she was, as hurt as she was, she tumbled into him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Their tongues danced to their own rhythm. Their breaths mingled. Her tears welled, and much to her annoyance, she couldn’t hold them back. They rolled down her cheeks, heavy and persistent. Without a word, Matt began to kiss them away. Why couldn’t they be like this all the time? A whirlwind of emotions pounded her. She released the grip she had on his shirt, and flattened her hands against the hard planes of his chest. ‘Stop, Matt, just stop.’
Releasing her, he stumbled back a step, confusion clouding his eyes. ‘I’m only trying to make things right, before I go.’
‘This isn’t going to make us right ... it’s going to take a lot more than this to fix what we’ve broken.’
He nodded, sad and slow.
‘I can’t do this like you can,’ she said.
‘Do what?’
‘Pretend everything is okay when it’s not.’
‘I’m not pretending, Sarah. This is me, trying to show you I love you.’
‘A little too late for that now, isn’t it?’ She stopped.
The look on Matt’s face showed he was as shocked at the words that had left her lips as she was.
Taking another step back from her, he shoved his hands through his hair – a sure sign of frustration. ‘You know what?’
‘What?’ She folded her arms.
‘As much as I love you, and as much as I hope we can sort things out and be happy again, I’m tired of trying to make up for my shortcomings.’
She eyed him as if he were speaking another language. ‘What are you on about?’
‘What more can I fucking do, Sarah, to show you how much I love you?’ It was half question, half accusation. ‘I have loved you with every inch of my being. I even gave up my life at Rosalee Station to be here with you, and yes I have dug my own hole with my drinking, but do you think you could lay off me a little bit? I’m trying to make things better.’
‘You might be trying to make things better, but only under your own terms, the way you want to do them. That’s exactly how it’s always been when it comes to any big decision in our lives.’
He threw his hands up in the air. ‘I give up.’
Her head pounded and she felt as though she’d run for miles carrying a heavy burden. ‘You know what, come to think of it, so do I.’ She pointed at him, fierce and determined. ‘You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to turn your back on me when I need you the most, and then make love to me and kiss me like there’s nothing to worry about. I’m tired of being dragged around in your unrealistic world, Matt.’ Anger stabbed her from within, as if a beast was fighting its way out. On auto-drive, she tugged the wedding ring from her finger and shoved it towards him. ‘Here, take it back.’
‘What are you doing, Sarah?’
‘What I need to do to get through this.’
‘You’re breaking it off?’
Was she? She had no idea. Her heart pounded so hard it hurt, each beat a stab to her chest. Her hands went to her hips. ‘You don’t get to say that to me. Don’t you dare put that on me … you’re the one breaking it off by leaving, Matt, remember that.’
He shook his head. ‘I’m not taking your wedding ring.’ He held his hand up and pointed to the gold band they’d picked together, snug around his finger. ‘And for the record I’m not taking mine off. I’m not giving up on us like you obviously are.’
‘Fine, take it how you want. You do what you have to, and I’ll do what I have to.’ Storming to the table, she slammed the ring down. ‘If the man I fell in love with is still inside there somewhere, come back to me. But if you don’t find him, please, don’t put me through all of this for nothing. I can’t live like this anymore, Matthew Walsh. It’s killing me.’
Sarah could feel the ache of tears behind her eyes. Unable to look into his tormented gaze any longer, she spun away before she crumpled to the floor. She thundered to the back door, stumbling blindly into the daylight outside. She needed to get away from Matt. Right now. Before she said anything else she was going to regret. She’d already gone too far but there was no turning back. She’d made her bed, now she had to sleep in it.
Stomping out, she kicked off her Uggies, and not caring that she was sockless, tugged on her work boots. She should really go and get a pair of jeans on too, but there was no way in hell she was going back into the house right now. She’d have to just Daisy Duke it.
Racing up the steps, his nose covered in red mud and with bits of garden mulch clinging to his fuzzy coat, Duke skidded into her side, almost barrelling her over. He was panting like no tomorrow, with his tail wagging like the clappers. Sarah shook her head at the state of him. Clearly, he’d been having a much better morning than she had.
Tapping her foot, she tried her very best not to break a smile. ‘Have you been digging up my garden again, you cheeky bugger?’
His tail came to a sudden stop. He looked up at her from beneath wrinkled eyebrows, guilt written all over his muddy face.
She waggled a finger at him. ‘You know better than that, but you can’t help yourself, can you?’ Then giving in and smiling softly, she knelt down and gave him a kiss on the muzzle. ‘Love you, boy.’
His tail took off like a chopper blade whirring to life, and he licked her fair up the cheek.
Grimacing, she wiped off his slobber, and then standing she gestured to the horse paddock with a tip of her head. ‘Come on then, let’s go let the chooks out and see how Victory and Marshmallow are going today.’
Clearing the steps two at a time, she took determined strides down the pebbled garden path and out the front gate. Crossing the drive, she jumped on the four-wheeler, motioned for Duke to jump up and join her, which he did, and then revved it to life. Daring a glance back at the house, she spotted Matt standing at the lounge room window, watching her. She quickly looked away, pretending she hadn’t noticed; her heart honestly couldn’t take any more anguish.
Almost an hour had passed when Sarah saw Liam pull up under the shade of a flame tree – she was well aware it would soon be time for Matt to head off. She’d been giving Victory a brush down, but now she stopped and peered over his neck. From the driver’s seat, Liam gave her a tip of his hat in greeting, and she smiled back. The passenger door opened and Matt stepped out. Her heart tumbled towards him, and her throat choked with raw emotion. Jumping up from where he’d been snoozing in the shade, Duke ran over to welcome him. Matt gave him a ruffle on the head. Needing to do something, anything, Sarah went back to brushing Victory, keeping one eye on Matt as he approached her with long-legged strides.
Tossing the brush in the bucket, she straightened. ‘You off?’
‘Yup.’ His mouth set in a firm line, he gave her a stiff smile. ‘You calmed down a bit now?’
She breathed in deeply as though suddenly winded. ‘Yeah, you?’
He nodded. ‘Yeah, sorry about all that before.’
‘Stop saying sorry.’ She folded her arms, sighing heavily. ‘We’re both in the wrong here, and both doing and saying things out of frustration and hurt.’
‘So you didn’t mean to take your wedding ring off?’
Unable to give him the answer he wanted, she chewed the inside of her lip, desperately trying to find the right words to say. As much as it pained her, she was going to stick to her guns now she’d pulled the trigger, hoping it would make him take the break seriously. Giving up the booze was vital if their relationship was going to have any chance of recovering. She had to jolt him back into the man he once was, had to force him into a corner so he came out fighting.
With too many silent seconds passing, he shook his head. ‘Actually, don’t answer that.’ He leant in as if to kiss her on the lips, but she turned her cheek. She couldn’t have that kind of intimacy with him right now. It would tear what resolve she had left into absolute pieces.
Brushing a quick kiss on her cheek, he stepped back and then shrugged as if defeated. ‘Can I at least get a hug before I go?’
His look of despair cut her to the very core; just knowing that she’d helped cause it was ripping her to shreds. She cleared her throat and took a step towards him, her arms outstretched. ‘Yeah, of course you can.’
They wrapped their arms around one another, but this time, it felt as if it were a cold goodbye. Sarah’s hope that they would make it through this tumbled that little bit more.
‘Okay, well, I’ll let you know when I’m there.’ With a sad smile, Matt shoved his hands in his pockets.
‘Yeah, that’d be good.’ Her heart ached. He looked tired, oh so tired.
‘Just remember my mobile doesn’t work out there, huh?’
‘Yup, will do.’ Her voice was strained as she choked back emotion. ‘I’ve got the cottage number if I need you.’
