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‘Cross your heart?’
Eve nodded as she did the movements. ‘Cross my heart.’ And then she clutched the half-moon pendant on the gold chain around her neck, reaching out to touch the other half of it hanging from Sarah’s necklace. ‘Heart to heart, Mummy, I promise I’ll be a good girl.’
Sarah’s heart filled with so much love she thought she might burst. She clutched the pendant Eve had given her for Christmas. ‘You know what?’
Eve shook her head. ‘No.’
‘You’re the most beautiful soul I have ever met.’
‘What’s a soul, Mummy?’
‘Never mind, I should have said you’re the most beautiful girl.’
‘Ahhh, then why didn’t you just say that, Mummy? You silly billy.’
‘Don’t worry, Sarah. I got this.’ Matt placed his hand on Sarah’s back and patted it reassuringly. ‘I’ve been her dad for a while, so I kinda know how to take care of her.’ He flashed her a playful grin. ‘She’ll come home safe and sound, although probably smelling like fish and mighty grubby.’
Sarah nodded, grinning. ‘I know she will.’ She pushed to standing and grimaced. ‘Sorry for sounding like I don’t trust you with her; mother’s instinct, can’t help myself.’
‘Relax and enjoy your day. You deserve it.’ Matt brushed a kiss over her cheek.
‘I will, and I’ll probably be back from my ride before you two, so I’ll be waiting for you,’ Sarah said.
‘Come on, sweetheart.’ Matt took Eve by the hand. ‘Let’s go catch us some fish for dinner.’
Eve punched the air. ‘Yeah!’
Sarah felt a little piece of herself walking away with Matt, and even though she knew she was worrying about nothing, she couldn’t help but feel like she should be going with them, just to keep an eye on things. She shook the feeling off, chastising herself for being so overprotective, but at the same time she couldn’t help herself. ‘Please make sure she puts her seatbelt on, Matt.’
Matt turned and graced her with one of his trademark knee-buckling smiles. ‘Stop worrying, will you? I got this.’
She smiled. ‘Okay, sorry.’
Just before they stepped outside, Eve turned and blew Sarah a kiss. Like they always did, Sarah caught it and held it to her heart, smiling from the inside out as she did the same and Eve caught it from the air, holding it to her chest and smiling.
Sarah’s heart melted – a mother’s love was infinite.
CHAPTER
3
Tranquil Valley, Malanda, Far North Queensland
Twelve months later
In a split second, her life had been turned upside down and inside out, and just like the previous one, it was a New Year’s Day like no other. Tumbling through a deep dark abyss, with a hazy nightmare gripping her tightly, Sarah woke with a start. Her hand instantly went to the half-moon pendant lying against her chest. The room was dark, but the tiny sliver of light peeking between the blackout curtains alerted her to the fact the day she’d feared had arrived. Dread rose like floodwaters in her chest. A whimper escaped her. Sobs fought to surface, but she dug deep and fought off the wave of emotion – she’d become good at doing so these past twelve months. There would be plenty of time for crying when she got there, when she faced the harsh reality head on. For now, she wanted to save her strength, knowing that exhaustion was a part of her daily life. She was holding on to what was left of her world, but only barely, gripping whatever she could to keep it together for yet another day – not thinking past the next twenty-four hours. That’s how she’d gone on this long, barely keeping their lives together, by living in every pain-filled moment because that’s just what she had to do.
Rolling on her side and with the lingering images of the nightmare still upsetting her, she struggled to catch her breath. She couldn’t put her finger on the details of her nightmare, but she would have preferred going through the horror of her bad dream all over again rather than having to face her reality today. She shivered, the sheet in a bundle at her feet and the doona nowhere in sight. With the fitful sleep she’d had, she gathered it would be on the floor at the foot of the bed. It was summer in the tropics, but typical of Malanda, the temperatures were well below what they were in her hometown of Mareeba.
Rolling over, she reached across the king-size bed, longing to find some comfort in the man she loved with every inch of her being. But she was not shocked to discover that Matt wasn’t there. What had she expected? She punched his pillow, feeling cheated, unloved, uncared for. It was rare to find him here anymore, the couch was more his thing these days. Anything to not be near her, to not look in her eyes, to not see the hurt in them, which he blamed himself for. Sarah had to admit that in her times of utter despair, she sometimes silently blamed him for it too. And although she denied she did in every one of their arguments, she knew he sensed it – their connection was too strong for him not to. She wished she could control the unwanted feelings that clung to her deepest, darkest self … but she was only human. Both of them were holding on to what was left of their marriage, but was it because they were too scared to say goodbye? Had the letter she’d left for him on the table two days ago achieved anything? She wasn’t sure, because he hadn’t even mentioned it to her. For all she knew he could have screwed it up and thrown it in the bin.
Closing her eyes, she tried not to let her thoughts get away from her, but as usual, it was a fruitless battle. She felt as if she were living with a ghost. The conversations and cuddles she and Matt had once shared, their laughter and love, the hopes and dreams they’d been striving to make their reality, were now all things of the past. And yet she’d foolishly thought, given the gravity of the day, he may have somehow pushed his demons aside and tried to find comfort in her, and they could have found solace in one another. It was exactly twelve months since they’d lost their darling Eve. Her daughter’s six years of life were all she had to remember her by. But Matt had another love now, one that wasn’t doing him, or them, any favours. If only she could do something to snap him out of it, to help him through it, to rid him of his dependence on the booze to numb his anguish. As much as she wished she could be his rock, the pillar to hold him up, she had to fend off her own battles and deep-seated grief. It would be so much easier if he were right there beside her, if they could be there for one another, then the pain wouldn’t be so raw, so suffocating. But it was as if they were strangers sharing the same house, with nothing to say to each other. They existed, that was all. Even though he’d survived the accident, she’d lost him, too, on that fateful day. The very thought tore her already broken heart to shreds.
Her mobile phone vibrating from the bedside table startled her. She picked it up and peered at the caller ID while also noticing a text message from her best mate, Lily. She’d read it in a minute. She sucked in a breath and tried to steady what she knew would be a trembling voice. ‘Hey, Mum.’
‘Hi, my love, how are you?’ Maggie Clarke’s tone was soft, compassionate.
Still shivering, Sarah tugged the sheet up and over her. ‘Yeah, you know, just trying to keep myself together.’ Her voice sounded way stronger than what she felt.
‘Oh, love, I really do wish there was something I could do to take your heartache away.’ Maggie sniffled and Sarah could picture her mother trying to do exactly the same thing on the other end of the line – keep herself together. ‘I hate feeling so damn helpless.’
‘I know, Mum, but nothing anyone says or does is going to bring her back.’ Eve’s petite face filled her mind. She bit back raw emotion, not wanting to upset her mother any more. Eve had been a diamond in their lives. It had been a tough year for all of them losing her.
‘Mmm.’ There was a short pause before Maggie cleared her throat. ‘How’s Matt going?’
‘Yeah, you know.’ Sarah tried to brush shaky fingers through her wild bed hair.
‘Actually, no I don’t.’ Maggie sighed softly. ‘Please, Sarah, tell me how things are going. I feel so cut off lately, especially with you refusing to talk about what’s going on under your own roof. I’m your mother, love. I’ll help you through anything.’
Sarah sighed. There was no use sugar-coating the situation any longer. Her mum, along with everyone else at the dinner table, had seen the worst of her frayed relationship with Matt only a week ago at Christmas lunch. Her father had had to drag Matt out to the shed for a man-to-man talk. So her mum and dad deserved to know the truth. ‘To my knowledge he still hasn’t shed a tear to this day, Mum, and he drinks all the time to numb his grief. I’ve tried to help him through it, but I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. He’s like an empty shell and I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.’
‘Oh, love, I don’t think there’s anything you or anybody else can do. The way he lashed out at you over Christmas dinner, accusing you of blaming him for everything, was harsh and uncalled for.’
Sarah’s breath was ragged as the need to defend Matt overcame her. ‘I know, Mum. He’d drunk way too much. But surely you and everyone else who was there understands that he’s dealing with some massive guilt.’
‘I do understand, love, we all do. But there comes a time when enough is enough, and from what you told me on Christmas Day, you’ve suffered a year of this and it’s only getting worse. Like your father said to you, Matt has to want to try and work through it himself, and until he does, he’s his own worst enemy.’
‘Yes, I know, and I think he does too. He’s in a really dark hole, Mum. It scares me to think how much deeper he could fall.’ She sucked in a juddering breath. ‘In a way I feel abandoned by him because of it, as much as I try not to. And I’m resenting him for it, so much so I’m actually thinking about asking for some time apart.’ Sadness clawed at her throat. Her reserve broke and she cried quietly, doing her best not to let her mother hear. She’d wept rivers in front of her loved ones, and had reached a point where she felt they’d shouldered way more than their fair share of her heartache.
‘Oh, my sweet daughter, I wish I could hug you right now.’ Maggie’s pained voice tugged at Sarah’s heartstrings even more. ‘I spoke to Matt’s mum about it a few days ago and Judy is beside herself with not knowing what to do. We all are.’
‘Yeah, I know, poor Judy, she called me yesterday for an update.’ Sarah’s throat pinched tight. ‘I just wish he’d let me in, because I know if he could do that, we could work through it together.’
‘Sorry to say, but I don’t think that’s going to happen, love. He really needs to go and see someone, get some help.’
‘Don’t you think I’ve tried to tell him that?’ The words were snapped and Sarah instantly regretted her harsh tone.
‘I’m sorry, love, I know you’ve tried. I’m so worried about him, and you. Please don’t think I’m being heartless here, because you know how much we love Matt, but he should be there for you as you are for him, not shutting you out. And certainly not turning to the drink to numb the pain.’
Sarah cleared her throat and calmed her breathing. ‘Don’t apologise, Mum. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.’ Sighing, she shook her head, her cheeks wet with tears. ‘I’m trying not to get mad at him, trying to understand why he is how he is. Yes, he was the one behind the wheel, and yes, he should have put Eve’s seatbelt on, like I asked him to, but it’s not like he deliberately rolled the ute. He’s hurting, like I am. It’s just that he doesn’t talk about his feelings, whereas I do … which is why I’m further into the bereavement process than he is.’ The tears continued to well and spill. ‘I don’t know how much longer we are going to last like this, and the thought of us breaking up kills me.’ She sobbed now, the pain too much to conceal.
‘Oh, love, I understand it’s hard, but please try not to think like that. Matt loves you; that hasn’t changed.’ The phone was muffled, giving Sarah a few brief moments to try to pull herself together. She could just make out her dad’s deep voice in the background.
‘Your father says you should come and stay here for a few days, love.’
‘I can’t, Mum, I’m not leaving Matt here by himself.’
‘Jimmy and Liam are there, so it’s not like he’ll be by himself.’
‘Yes, but they’re here to help out around the place, not to watch over Matt.’
‘They’re two of Matt’s closest friends, Sarah, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.’
‘Maybe not, Mum, but Matt would certainly mind me asking Jimmy and Liam to basically babysit him. He’s feeling less of a man now, I don’t want to make him feel any worse.’
‘Matt doesn’t need to know you’ve asked.’
‘Mum, please …’ Sarah’s patience was wearing thin.
There was a moment’s silence before Jack’s deep voice came down the line. ‘Hey, sweetheart, how are you?’
‘Pretty shit actually, but I’ll be right, Dad.’ Conversations with her father were always more direct and to the point than with her mum.
‘I know you said you don’t need me and your mum there today, but we really feel like it would be good for you, and Matt, if we were.’
‘It’s the peak of the fruit picking season, Dad, and with Peter at the mines now and Daniel recovering from his knee surgery, you have to be there to hold the fort.’
‘Yes and no, Sarah … there’s ways around it. I could always pull Johnny Marsh from the paddock to watch over the shed crew.’
‘Then who’s going to watch the paddock crew, Dad? You know how slack that lot can be if there isn’t a boss around. And it’s a three-hour round trip to Malanda.’
‘And?’
‘And, you and Mum need to be there. Simple.’
‘Sarah, you’re more important than the farm.’ Jack’s voice was becoming sterner, even though Sarah could tell he was doing his best to bite his tongue.
‘Look, I know you both love me to bits and want to help, but I’ll be right.’
‘Aha.’ Jack sounded far from convinced. And to be honest, Sarah wasn’t convinced she’d be all right today either, but having her parents there wouldn’t ease the painful significance of the day. If anything, she would be even more of a mess and just crumble into their arms. And she didn’t want to make Matt feel like her parents were judging him. Yes, they loved him, but they loved her more. Blood was always thicker than water. Also, Matt had shocked them, and her; the way he’d exploded at her halfway through Christmas lunch was inexcusable. His profanity was not like anything she’d ever heard from him before.
‘I’ll come and visit in the next couple of days, okay?’
‘But, Sarah …’
‘Dad, please stop.’
Jack sighed weightily. ‘Okay, sweetheart.’
Barely holding herself together, Sarah knew she had to get off the phone before she cracked. Her parents wouldn’t take no for an answer then, and for some inexplicable reason, she really wanted to prove to herself that she could make it through on her own today. There were going to be plenty more anniversaries of her daughter’s death to contend with, so step by step, she had to go through the motions. ‘I better go and get ready, Dad. Please tell Mum I love her.’
‘I will. Love you, Sarah.’
‘Love you too, Dad.’ And she hung up before she broke down and wept uncontrollably, only to feel another surge of emotion engulf her as she read her best mate’s text message.
Daniel and I are thinking of you today, my beautiful friend. I know you’ll want time to yourself this morning, to filter through everything, so I’ll ring you later this arvy to see how you’re doing. Please know that if I could take away your heartache, I would. And please remember, I’m here to catch your tears and hold you tight, anytime of the day or night. Daniel sends you his love from his hospital bed. The bugger is climbing the walls already, and driving the nurses nuts, and he’s still got six weeks of healing before he can walk properly – Lord bloody well help me! I’ll be sure to light a candle today, for Eve. I love you a million, babes. Xo
Sarah texted back a quick thank-you message, a faint smile tugging at her lips as she imagined her ants-in-his-pants brother confined to bed rest for so long because of an old bull riding injury. She promised Lily they’d definitely catch up for a phone chat later. But her wispy smile vanished as quickly as it had appeared when she placed the phone down and returned to the crushing reality of what lay ahead today. The darkness of the room suddenly felt oppressive. She switched the bedside lamp on, squinting a little from the brightness. Choking back the damn relentless tears, she threw her legs over the side of the bed and the coolness of the timber floorboards beneath her feet somehow felt reassuring. Duke was instantly by her side and raising a paw. He rested it on her knee, his big brown eyes full of concern for her. Placing her hands on either side of his grey-speckled face, she leant down and kissed his muzzle, and then hugged him to her, thankful for her best mate’s tireless support in his very own doggy way. She wasn’t sure how she would have got through her darkest of days without Duke by her side.
Sitting back up, she ruffled his ears. ‘I love you so freaking much, buddy.’
Duke barked a reply, his tail rhythmically tapping the floor. He nudged her hands with his cold nose.
Sarah gave him another loving pat. ‘Come on then, I better let you out for toilet duties.’
As if understanding every word, Duke tap-danced over to the closed bedroom door.
Her body feeling a hundred years old, Sarah stuffed her feet into her slippers and then dragged herself up. Padding towards the door while trying to straighten out her aching back, she groaned. Grabbing her thin cotton robe from the floor, she pulled it on and tied it up. It was time to find out what state Matt would be in for the day, and her instincts told her it wasn’t going to be pretty. She knew where she’d find him, the man who had once given her so much love, so much contentment, and the thought made her already heavy heart sink further. If only he’d let her in, if only he could let go of the guilt and stop blaming himself, if only they hadn’t gone fishing that day, if only she’d followed her gut and gone with them … So many goddamn if onlys. Hindsight was an absolute bitch.
