Return to Rosalee Station, page 23
Scoffing the last of the sausage roll she’d bought at the servo instead of the bakery – a bad decision – it was just after lunchtime when she passed through the doorway of Saint Francis Xavier Church. Wiping the last of the tomato sauce on her jeans, she paused to dab holy water on her fingers while silently saying the Lord’s Prayer and making the sign of the cross. Looking at the altar, memories of sitting in the church back in Malanda engulfed her. All she could picture was a tiny little coffin, and all the pain she’d felt that day thumped her hard in the chest. Slamming her eyes shut, she willed the image away. Her legs weak, she slunk into the empty pew at the back of the pin-drop quiet church. Emotions bubbling, she inhaled sharply, her stomach churning. She dropped her eyes to her folded hands and tried to shut out the horrible memories – they would do her no favours. A few slow, deep breaths later, and feeling ready, she stood on her shaky legs and walked up to the altar. Dropping to her knees, she joined her hands in prayer and stared up at the cross. And then she prayed like she’d never prayed before, begging God to take care of her daughter up in heaven, and for him to please, please, please do whatever he could to help Matt, and save their marriage.
Deep in prayer, at first she didn’t hear the footsteps coming up behind her. She paused, turning to see a friendly familiar face. For a moment she was eight again, and preparing for her holy communion, and then she was fifteen, admitting to her sins in the confessional box. She offered a wobbly smile.
Heavy, white-as-snow brows scrunched together as the priest smiled, his blue-grey eyes gleaming and the crinkles at the corners ever so deep. ‘Sarah Clarke, or should I say, Walsh, it’s so lovely to see you.’
Sarah stood, the faint scent of camphor wafting from the priest. It reminded her of her dearly departed grandmother – mothballs had been in every cupboard. ‘It’s lovely to see you too, Father Donaldson.’
He reached out and touched her arm. His hand was cold and soft; so different from that of a man, like her father, who had spent his years working the land. ‘How are you, my dear?’ His eyes were full of compassion.
‘Not the best, Father, but I’m slowly getting there.’
‘Anything a keen ear would help ease?’
‘Um.’ Sarah paused, chewing her lip. ‘Yes, maybe, but only if you have time … I don’t want to bother you.’
‘I have all the time in the world, my dear.’ Father Donaldson motioned towards the front pew. ‘Ladies first.’
Sarah took the invitation and the priest hobbled in beside her, groaning as he sat.
She helped steady him. ‘You okay, Father?’
‘Oh yes, the old knees don’t work like they used to.’ He chuckled. ‘One could say they’re in desperate need of re-greasing.’
Sarah’s smile was easy and genuine now.
‘So tell me, what’s weighing on your mind?’
‘My marriage is falling apart, Father, and I don’t know what to do to save it.’
‘I see.’ He paused, looking down at his hands folded in his lap while nodding ever so slightly. He brought his gaze back to hers. ‘And what’s making you question your love for your husband?’
‘You’ve heard about the accident?’
‘I did, through your mother and father, and my condolences are with you and your family.’
‘Thank you, Father.’
The wrinkles around his eyes deepened. ‘The death of a child is never an easy thing to get through.’ His voice was so calm, so steady, so comforting. ‘But you will, Sarah, because as much as we may not like it, life does go on, and we have to go on with it.’
‘It certainly does, Father, and it’s brutal and heartbreaking and so hard to come to terms with.’ Tears welling, she sniffled. Grabbing one of the tissues she’d shoved in her pocket, knowing full well she would most probably need them here, she wiped at the corners of her eyes.
‘There there, love.’ He tapped her arm, his gaze sympathetic. ‘How is Matthew coping?’
‘By drinking.’ She didn’t know why, but she half laughed when she said it.
‘Oh, I see.’ He paused once more, nodding slightly. ‘Has he sought help for it?’
‘Yes and no. He’s out at his family’s cattle station right now, trying to go cold turkey.’
‘And how’s that going for him?’
‘Apparently so far so good.’
He smiled now, his entire face creasing with it. ‘Good.’
‘It is, but I can’t help feeling like he’s deserted me, and I feel angry and hurt because of it.’
‘Yes, I can understand how you’d feel like that, but he’s done what he needs to do to make himself whole again, just as you need to do what you have to do to make yourself whole again.’
At a loss for words, Sarah nodded as she tried to take in everything he was saying.
‘Marriage is not always easy, Sarah, and sometimes, for one reason or another, it feels like it would be easier to give up on the other person. But let’s strip all the hurt and troubles back, and simply focus on the vow you took the day you tied the knot. Through sickness and health, till death do us part. Remember that, Sarah, and stand strong in your vow, and you will make it through.’ He sighed, shaking his head. ‘Too many people throw the towel in the minute it gets too much, thinking it’s easier to walk away, when in truth, they’re just going to walk into another unsatisfying relationship until they learn what the true meaning of love is.’
Sarah found herself enthralled by his every word, everything making such perfect sense. ‘And what is it, true love?’
He held his finger up, a knowing glint in his eyes. ‘Ahhh, now isn’t that the big question we all want the answer to?’
‘Yes, it’s what makes the world go round,’ Sarah said with a gentle smile.
‘It most certainly is.’ Father Donaldson turned in his seat to face her, his expression now serious. ‘True love is not a feeling, it’s a choice … a choice to be in love every single day, no matter what. It goes beyond the pleasures of the flesh and what the other person can offer you. It’s about loving each other without judgement and conditions, with trust and respect at all times. It’s about letting go of expectations and any sense of possession. It’s about stepping outside your ego, and seeing the value in someone else. True love stays with you, through all the good and bad times, and it knows no bounds.’ He smiled now. ‘You see, everyone is flawed, Sarah, and the secret of true love is seeing that, and accepting you’re not perfect, and neither can your other half be. We all stumble and fall throughout life, and it’s when we most need our loved ones there, to pick us up once we’re ready to hold out our hands to stand back up again.’
Tears streamed down Sarah’s face. She wiped them away with a fresh tissue she found in her pocket. ‘Oh, Father, that’s the most beautiful explanation I’ve ever heard.’
‘Well, thank you, my dear, I hope that it’s helped you somewhat, in your difficult time.’
‘It sure has helped me to see things through different eyes.’ She reached out and gently touched his hand. ‘So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.’
‘My pleasure, it’s what I’m here for.’ Holding the arm of the pew, he slowly eased to standing. ‘I better get a move on. I’ve got a baptism in less than an hour and I need to get ready.’
Sarah stood. ‘Okay, and thank you again.’
He pulled her into a hug. ‘You take care of yourself now, and your husband,’ Father Donaldson said. ‘Because although it may feel one-sided at the moment, there will come a time in your life where he’ll be there to carry you through, as you have for him.’
He was so right, and with that knowledge, Sarah allowed herself to see light at the end of the long and very dark tunnel she and Matt had been trapped in.
Stacking the last of the bowls and utensils that had covered the kitchen bench from one end to the other into the dishwasher, and then popping the super-moist walnut and banana cake covered with cream-cheese passionfruit icing she’d made on a whim into the cake tin, Sarah felt a flood of satisfaction. Hands on hips, she surveyed the kitchen, making sure everything was back in its place and she hadn’t missed anything – being super tidy was a trait she’d got from her mother, and one both women were proud of. Another quality she’d inherited from her mum was her love of cooking, a love that had vanished this past year. It felt good to be passionate about it again. The mouth-watering aroma of curried sausages filled the house and a pot of creamy garlic mash potato sat ready to go, but with no time to spare, Sarah decided it would be her midnight snack, or breakfast tomorrow morning. She hoped her dad left her some – he was a glutton when it came to good old-fashioned, homemade food. Not that she minded, as an empty pot and a basically licked-clean plate were huge compliments in her eyes.
Her mobile phone buzzed from the pocket of her denim shorts. Plucking it out, she smiled at the good-humoured duck face Lily was deliberately pulling in the photo to make her smile – her mate knew how much she despised it.
See you soon, babe, and I hope you’ve got your dancing boots on. Yee-haa! Love ya! Lil Xo
Her stomach backflipped. She looked at the time. She knew it was getting on but not that quickly. Shit! Time had completely got away from her, so she raced up the stairs, clearing Harry and his step completely. She had a little over half an hour to shower, get dressed, and snazzy herself up a bit in the hair and make-up department. She really had to get her arse into gear. Skidding into the bathroom, she tore her clothes off while trying to turn the taps on. Diving beneath the steamy stream, she quickly washed her mop of hair, shaved her legs and armpits, deciding to leave her bikini line, brushed her teeth and then dried herself while running down the hallway and into her bedroom. Luckily, she’d already chosen what she was going to wear – her diamanté-encrusted jeans and ritzy belt to match, and a paisley patterned, button-up cowgirl shirt. It had been a lifetime since she’d dolled herself up for a night out, and now it was getting closer she felt a flutter of excited nerves in her belly. As long as she could make it to midnight, she’d prove to herself she wasn’t such an old fart after all and still had it in her to go out and have fun sometimes.
At nearly five o’clock there was a thump, thump of music and the sound of tyres crunching on the gravel driveway, then Sarah heard the unmistakable country twang of ‘Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy’. Lily honked short and sharp out the front of the house. Damn it, she still wasn’t ready.
Hopping on one foot while trying to pull a sock on the other, she stuck her head out the window. Lily looked up at her bedroom from the driver’s seat, her smile stretched from ear to ear. Her hair up and dangly western-style earrings on, she looked stunning, as always.
‘I’ll be two minutes, Lil.’ Sarah had a feeling Lily wouldn’t have heard a thing she’d just said.
The music fading away, Lily wound her window down. ‘What’d you say, girlfriend?’
‘I’m running a few minutes late, I’ll be down in a sec.’
‘Righto, babe, no rush … but hurry the hell up, would ya! We got ourselves some bull-riding Wrangler butts to check out.’ She grinned waywardly.
‘I’ll tell my brother on you.’ Sarah returned the cheeky grin along with giving her the forks.
‘You wouldn’t dare.’ Lily mocked shock horror, her mouth gaping open and her caramel-brown eyes wide.
Sarah laughed; she knew Lily would know she was joking. The love her best mate and Daniel had for one another had only grown deeper over the years, and although Lily might like to look at the goods, like any hot-blooded woman does at a rodeo, Sarah knew without a doubt she would never, ever, touch another man. She and Lily had strong morals and expected the same from their men. Matt had never failed her in that department, and she loved him for it.
‘Good married cowgirls always keep their calves together,’ Lily called out.
‘Yes, you can look but you can’t touch,’ Sarah called back.
Lily gave her the thumbs up. ‘Now, hurry up or we’re going to miss the judging of the Beaut Ute Muster. One of my mates from work has his in for the Best Feral Ute.’
‘Okay, okay, I’m a’comin.’
Tugging her other sock on, she rammed her feet into her favourite Dan Post boots. Tipping her head upside down, she scrunched some curl definer into her damp hair and flicked it back up, her head spinning a little from the motion. Chaotic long, blonde curly locks hung almost to her waist – a little unkempt and wild looking, but that’s just how she liked it. Grabbing her make-up bag, she brushed on powder foundation, popped on some blusher, applied some mascara – cursing when she blinked too quickly and ended up with half of it on her eyelids, a quick lick of her fingertip and a wipe did wonders to remove it. And then a swipe of cherry-red lip gloss, and she was done. With a desperate deep breath she took one last look at her reflection, mostly satisfied with what she saw, and then picking up her wallet she dashed downstairs, leaping over Harry and almost ending up on her face, before tugging open the front door and stepping outside … right on five o’clock. Striding over to Duke, she gave him a quick goodbye pat, told him to stay put, and then made her way over to Lily’s hot-rod.
‘Hey there, cowgirl, going my way?’ Her forearm resting on the windowsill of the black V8 commodore like she was a truck driver, Lily jokingly looked her up and down and then offered an over-exaggerated wink.
Hands on hips, Sarah flashed a toothy smile. ‘If ya lucky.’
‘I’m always lucky. And can I say, hot-damn woman, you’ve scrubbed up like a ridgy didge hottie patottie.’
‘Why thank ya, cowgirl.’ Sarah loved their banter. Slipping into the passenger seat, she watched Chilli make a mad dash across the driveway towards the chook pen, with eight chickens in tow. She was a born leader, that’s for sure. Sarah’s mum would lock them away for the night on her way home from feeding the horses.
‘Oh shit,’ Sarah said, tossing her tasselled western handbag onto the floor.
‘What?’
‘My mobile’s back upstairs.’
‘You wanna go get it?’
Ready to jump back out, she changed her mind. ‘Nah, I don’t really need it, less to carry anyway.’
‘You can always use mine if you need to make a call, babe.’
‘Thanks, so where’s Danny boy?’ She pulled on her seatbelt. ‘He didn’t cop out, did he?’
‘He’s already there, caught a lift with Brad.’ Gravel flew from the tyres after Lily put pedal to the metal a little too quickly. ‘Oops, shit, sorry.’
‘Bradley Williams?’ Sarah hadn’t even stopped to think that her ex-boyfriend, the one she’d dated just before Matt, the same one who had let mutual friends know he’d do anything to rewind time so he could have her back – and Matt knew about this as she told him everything – would be there, and in close proximity. If Matt was a bit pissed about her going, he was going to be livid now.
Lily remained focused on the potholes in the drive, the dunnydoor (Commodore) not made for country driveways like this one. ‘Uh-huh.’
‘I thought he was working up in the Northern Territory?’
‘Yeah, he still is. He’s just come down for the rodeo.’ Lily grimaced. ‘I didn’t think it would be a problem, seeing as you and him have kept in touch on and off over the years, and he and Daniel have always been mates.’
‘Yeah, no, of course not … I’m just being stupid.’
Crossing the cattle grid at a crawling pace, Lily pulled to a stop. ‘Sarah, spill now or forever hold your peace.’ She folded her arms. ‘Actually skip the last bit because I won’t be able to hold my peace if you don’t spill because I’m worried now.’
Sarah groaned. Why did there always have to be a drama in her life? She turned in her seat, looking Lily fair and square in the eyes. ‘It’s just that, well, you know how Brad has mentioned a couple of times how he’d give his right arm to have me back?’
‘Yeah, and why wouldn’t he? You’re a bloody catch.’
‘Thanks for that, but Matt knows too.’
Lily’s eyes widened. ‘Matt knows?’
‘Of course he does, I tell him everything.’
‘I think some things are best left unsaid, Sar, but knowing you like I do I should know you wouldn’t be able to keep that from him.’ She sighed. ‘Matt must also know that you’re a very trustworthy woman and he has nothing to worry about, especially when it comes to you and Brad. That was done and dusted almost ten years ago.’
‘Yes and no … I am trustworthy, without a doubt, but Matt’s not in a good headspace, Lily, and I’m afraid he might read way too much into it.’
‘Well then, if that’s the case, he doesn’t need to know Brad will be there.’
‘He doesn’t?’
‘No, not if it’s going to cause a shit storm.’
‘Oh, I don’t know, Lil.’ Sarah fumbled with her seatbelt; it suddenly felt tight and constricting.
‘Sarah, you’ve had enough bloody drama in both your lives to last you a lifetime, so don’t add to it with something that’s not even really worth a mention, okay?’
Sarah nodded. ‘Righto. Yup. Okay. You’re right, I’m not going to gain anything by telling Matt.’ She zipped her lips shut. ‘They’re sealed tight like a vault.’
‘Good, because I don’t want anything to ruin your night, Sar. You deserve to go out and have some drama-free fun.’
‘I won’t let it ruin our night, I promise.’ Sarah forced a smile she was far from feeling. ‘Now, come on, let’s hurry up and get there. I’m dying for a dagwood dog smothered in tomato sauce followed by a cream-filled waffle cone.’ She almost drooled with the thought.
‘Good god, woman, what’s happened to you? You used to say you’re dying for a drink.’
‘It’s called growing up and getting older.’
‘Oh you boring thirty-one-year-old fart, you.’
‘I’m not officially thirty-one until midnight.’ Sarah smirked. ‘So get stuffed.’
