Desiring an Angel, page 25
part #1 of Missing Link 3 Series
“You don’t know that for sure, son,” Dad stated sternly while Mom sniffled. “And I’m sorry for putting my hopes and desires onto you. Sometimes we get overcome with grief and emotions and say things we don’t really mean. Whatever I did to make you think I disliked Rhett or your relationship, I’m sorry. I love him like a second son.”
“You were just so devastated,” I insisted, my childhood memories ingrained, written in my blood and replaying through my mind. “Like the golden boy had perished, leaving behind the sullen twin who couldn’t make anyone happy.” Words poured from me, things I’d shared with my therapist but hadn’t ever confronted my father with. “Add in I liked boys, and boom! I’m a failure.”
“No you’re not, Ashton,” Dad said, his tone firm, same as every time I’d been disciplined as a kid. “Yes, I was wrecked by Archer’s death, but I’ve never wanted anything but for you to live a full life and enjoy every minute you have on this earth. My father put pressure on me to have sons, and I’m so damn sorry I made you feel the same. That was never my intention, son. Ever.”
“My head wants to pop,” I muttered as pain radiated through my temple again, stealing my concentration. “Sorry—I forgive you, Dad. Every anniversary hurts, every birthday…oh, I got your message, Mom.” I spoke like Sky, flitting like a tweety bird from subject to subject, but my brain was just so damn fuzzy. Tired. “Sorry I never called back on Saturday. Rhett threw a birthday party for me, and well…it was a long night.”
“It’s fine, sweetheart,” Mom said, her voice soothing in my ear even though it sounded like she had tears in her eyes.
“I love you both. I’ll have Rhett call you once we have answers since I’m feeling a little…strange. Maybe drunk? But that’s probably the meds.”
“Do you want us to come out there?” Mom asked. “We can catch a flight tonight and be there tomorrow morning.”
While I would love to have her arms around me when I got the bad news about cancer, I didn’t want her and Dad to have to watch their only remaining son waste away.
They’d done it once. I refused to let them suffer seeing it again.
“I have Rhett and Skylar for now, but when we get answers, I’ll be in touch. Maybe you could spend a couple of weeks here…depending on how long I have.”
“What did the doctors have to say about your symptoms?” Dad asked.
“That it sounds like indigestion, maybe pancreatitis.” I struggled to keep my eyes from closing. “But I remember Archer feeling like this, and by the time his doctors figured it out, it was too late.”
“Because we brushed off his ailments,” Mom whispered.
“What?” I blinked my eyes open again.
“Of the two of you, he was the one who complained about everything—bath water too hot, nightlight too bright.”
“Didn’t he say that his water was too dry one time?” I asked, the memory floating through my brain even though I didn’t remember any of the things Mom had said.
“He did.” It sounded like Mom smiled again. “He made every little boo-boo seem like an amputated limb. When he didn’t like dinner, he said he had a bellyache so he wouldn’t have to finish.”
How had I forgotten what a whiny brat he’d been? Sure, he’d been happy-go-lucky, always positive with me, making me laugh, but I guess I’d only remembered the one side of him.
“When he started moaning about not feeling well, we didn’t take him seriously—and we’ve dealt with guilt ever since learning we’d waited too long.”
My throat squeezed shut, but I forced words through. “You and Dad did an amazing job raising all us kids—don’t ever think otherwise. Sometimes shit happens that we can’t control, and life is what it is. I can’t complain about the childhood I had. With you. My four annoying sisters. Rhett. And lastly, Sky. She’s my sunshine, and you’re going to love her.”
“I always wanted another daughter,” Mom said with a teary laugh while Dad grumbled something about being even more outnumbered by all the women in our family.
“I’ll call you as soon as I know something,” I promised.
We said our goodbyes, and I hung up, finally ready for relaxation to creep in.
There was nothing more to do but wait. I closed my eyes and told myself to sleep. Enough drugs still filtered through my system that the lack of visitors allowed me to slip away.
40
Rhett
I sat and stared at the cup of coffee I hadn’t sipped from. Without doubt, it would taste like shit, same as the stuff in the hospital Mom had died at.
Fucking hospitals—I’d gained firsthand knowledge of why Ash hated them so much.
While thankful for them and the people showing up daily to help those in need, I wanted to blow up the building closing in on me. After sobbing like a baby in Skylar’s arms, I felt drained. Emotionless, just plain old bone-weary tired from my outburst in the hallway.
Skylar’s simple bit of logic about every emotion having validity lingered in my mind—with potency. I recognized how my parents had failed in teaching me that, and fuck, did I want to do better.
A spring of feelings began to once more well up inside me as the minutes passed, and I focused on them rather than forcing them away as I’d been taught to in order to escape ridicule.
It was time to label the shit. Own it.
The churning stomach? The fucker causing that was fear. Raw and visceral in its attack.
My clenched jaw tightened from anger over the fact I was the one responsible for Ash’s driving. Had I not taken off the night before, he never would have gone looking for me. He never would have vomited in his car and gotten into the accident.
Itchiness in my limbs, the strain of tensed muscles grew from impatience at having to wait for goddamn answers when all I wanted to do was drive forward in creating a plan for our future regardless of how it might look.
Once I relented the hold I’d kept on myself since childhood, a slew of words rushed through my head, and I called them all by name.
Guilt.
Desperation.
Regret.
Longing.
Fucking helplessness that made me feel unsteady on my feet, trembling in my soul without anything to hold, no rock, no life jacket.
Eyes closed, I attempted to slow my breathing, my heart rate, that thumped inside my chest like it wanted to escape while still allowing the emotions their place.
It wasn’t weakness to feel—and giving them space to live inside me took strength.
My parents had been wrong. I had been wrong to let their bullshit dictate the man I’d become.
But it wasn’t too late to change.
“Ashton said you have to apologize for being an asshole—”
Skylar’s voice cut off with a squeak as I jerked my head toward her. She shook like a leaf standing beside me, but how she rubbed her palms over her too-large sweats suggested nervousness rather than her usual inability to stay still.
“You spoke with him.” No jealousy rose to coat my words—I didn’t even experience that sentiment surprisingly.
“He was awake when they brought him back from the scan,” she said with rushed, exhaled words as though she’d been holding her breath.
I started to stand, but she put her hand on my shoulder, stopping me.
“He’s fine for now and told me to come be with you. Can I sit?” She motioned toward the empty chair opposite me.
I settled back in mine, nodding, actually thankful for the interruption of my introspection. “No results yet?”
“No.”
“How did he seem to you?”
A soft smile curved her lips. “A little drunk.”
“Yeah, that’s the meds.” I held her gaze, the clatter of the cafeteria around us quieting in my mind. “I’m sorry for being an asshole,” I murmured, meaning every goddamn word.
I’d have apologized even without Ash’s demand I make amends with her.
Pink flushed her cheeks, and she opened her mouth, but I wasn’t done yet. It was well past time for me to spew all the thoughts inside me as she so often did.
“I’ve been overwhelmed with jealousy since we came back from Florida. I’ve never had to share Ash with anyone outside of physical interactions, and I took that shit out on you instead of being truthful about my feelings.”
“I forgive you,” she stated simply.
“Easy as that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
She shrugged a shoulder and smiled, and a hint of sunshine in her eyes seemed to trickle over my soul like warm water.
“You’re so goddamn beautiful, Skylar. I’m sorry I haven’t been telling you that every day. You make Ash happy, which truthfully, brought me contentment from day one even if I refused to acknowledge it out of sheer stubbornness and self-preservation.
“But there have been so many other emotions I’ve never named,” I continued, “haven’t allowed myself to be aware of. I grew up in a very repressed household.”
“Ash told me,” she stated quietly, her eyes without pity or judgment.
“My upbringing isn’t an excuse for the way I’ve chosen to behave my entire adulthood, but I’ve caused others to suffer for fear of ridicule. I’m not saying I’ll be able to change overnight, that I had a single aha moment that will turn my life around with one decision, but I’m determined to be more self-aware.”
“You’re amazing, Rhett.” Skylar reached over the table and snagged one of my hands still wrapped around my coffee cup.
My throat tightened for the fifty-thousandth time in less than twenty-four hours as I wound my fingers through hers. That warmth expanded through my center like a life-giving force, and I studied her face, drinking her in.
Dark circles lay beneath her eyes, those long auburn lashes naturally curling in an enticing way. The bloodshot red through the whites of her eyes only heightened the green.
There were no pretenses with Skylar, no fake smiles in that moment attempting to put me at ease. She simply held my hand and let me just be.
“What are you feeling right now?” she whispered when the silence between us grew and her backside shifted on the seat.
A smile curved my lips at her usual ants-in-the-pants inability to sit still. I rubbed my thumb over the back of hers, causing her lips to part.
Fuck, did I love how she wanted my thoughts and was interested in my inner workings. She’d proven in that hallway that she wouldn’t invalidate them as my parents had always done either.
I didn’t deserve a tenth chance, but I sure as fuck was going to take it.
“I’m scared as fuck for Ash’s test results,” I admitted, releasing some tension in my chest, “but strangely at peace too.”
I didn’t tell her that Ash wanted me to love her, cling to her when he was gone, because his death wasn’t going to happen for many years down the road.
“I’m scared too.” Skylar swallowed audibly and glanced around the cafeteria, wetness welling in her eyes. “I’ve only just met him—you—and I’m terrified that it’ll be too late to make his dreams come true. I failed in getting pregnant—”
“It’s not your fault, Skylar,” I stated quietly.
“I—I know that, but I can’t help how I feel.” She smiled as a tear slid down her cheek.
“And I won’t attempt to negate those feelings,” I assured her, my eyes stinging at making a right choice in saying that—hopefully the first good decision of many when it came to her. “But you must know Ash would never lay blame on you. He’s a firm believer in fate. We’ll take things one day at a time. Hell, one hour at a time. We’ll have answers soon, then we can plan a course of action. Ash will have the best care no matter the diagnosis. Money isn’t an issue, and I can work remotely for as long as necessary to help make sure he’s comfortable.”
“I’ll do whatever you need me to,” Skylar said. “Quit my job and be his full-time nurse. I can drive him to every appointment. I’m going to be there for you too.” Her hold on my hand tightened. “We’ve gotten off to a rough start, but I haven’t given up on you yet, Rhett Stirling. It’ll take a lot more than negativity and poor choices to make me turn my back on you.”
I noted the flash of pain in her eyes. “You had a lot of that in your childhood, didn’t you?”
She blew out a heavy exhale. “You have no idea.”
“Book smarts aren’t everything,” I stated quietly, leaning forward to emphasize my words. “I’d rather listen to your ramblings that keep my brain on my toes than suffer through most of our acquaintances going on and on about their latest accomplishments.
“You’re a breath of fresh air,” I added, “and I’m sorry for not allowing myself to like you or tell you that before today.”
“Sometimes it takes tragedy to open our eyes to what’s truly important in life,” she said. “Do I want Ashton to be sick or face death?” Her voice broke, but she lifted her chin and barreled forward. “Absolutely not, but I think all things happen for a reason. Fate has led us here to this moment in time, and I’m going to accept the outcome and grow from it regardless of whatever our emotions drag us through.”
“You’re very brave,” I murmured, loving the fire in her eyes.
“I’m a dreamer,” Skylar attempted to correct me, but I shook my head.
“It takes courage to face the future without a plan—and that’s something I don’t have.” I untangled my fingers from hers and re-laced them once more in a different pattern, squeezing tight. “Will you let me hold your hand when I need to?”
“I’ll always be here for you,” she whispered and smiled.
Her promise flooded me with hope, not just for Ash’s diagnosis but for the future ahead of us.
41
Skylar
Rhett’s smile trembled, and I yearned to leap over the table and hug him tight, to soothe all his worries away.
“I’m getting a little antsy to head back upstairs,” Rhett said, glancing toward the cafeteria’s exit.
I couldn’t help my grin since I understood that statement all too well. Ashton had sent me to Rhett to offer comfort, and I felt we’d accomplished more in our short minutes together than we’d done since he’d first faced me in the kitchen.
Even then, I’d thought him gorgeous, all stoic and untouchable, a man who didn’t want to be tampered with. But the one with the unshuttered gaze full of helplessness and vulnerability gazing at me across the table?
Heart-wrenchingly beautiful in a way that hurt my chest and stole my breath.
He’d been broken down completely, any walls he’d built to keep me at arm’s length demolished by the situation we found ourselves in with our shared lover.
No, I didn’t want to see Ash hurt. I hated he feared facing death like his brother had.
But…
Oh, that sometimes glorious word allowed for greater meaning in circumstances, greater reward, greater end results from potential devastation.
I clung to hope same as I did to Rhett’s hand as we made our way back toward Ashton’s room. If I’d been able to, I’d have wrapped Rhett up in my arms like he’d done with me in the hallway, exactly as I had for Ashton on Saturday morning when I’d gotten my period.
Even if Ashton did have cancer, we would have a little bit of time to try again. There was always test-tube baby type stuff…I wasn’t positive how all that worked, but surely the doctors could get his sperm while he was still somewhat healthy and somehow impregnate me.
At least, I’d heard about that sort of thing on the news, and I thought my cousin had tried something like that. They’d spent thousands, going through their savings.
They never got their baby though, just an empty bank account.
Lips tight, I refused to think about the negative. Ashton had told me they owned Missing Link, and to see their house, their cars, and fancy watches…there would be no shortage of money in getting a baby inside me if it could be afforded.
But how did it work?
I imagined needles, syringes, and stirrups…and a grimace lined my face. Would any part of the process be enjoyable—or only painful? Embarrassing? Unpleasant?
If it could be done with cows on the farm, I could trust doctors and science, right?
A scene flashed through my ridiculous mind of me bent over and mooing, and I bit back a snort of laughter.
Shaking my head, I put aside rambling thoughts about eggs, sperm, and cows. We had more important things to face first—together as a triad.
Three would be stronger than two when hearing Ashton’s diagnosis, and I wanted nothing more than to be available to him and Rhett both in whatever way they needed me.
If it meant eventual sponge baths and bedpans for Ashton, then I would serve with a willing, loving heart. If that included holding Rhett again while he allowed himself to feel everything he’d been stifling since childhood, then I would gladly offer my shoulder for him to soak no matter the time of day.
My arms would be available.
My hands theirs to cling to.
My ears to hear while I bit my tongue to keep quiet and just listen.
But most importantly, my heart to accept and love unconditionally regardless of the outcome.
Rhett and I had connected intimately just the one time, but I’d felt potential, potently so, in those brief moments he had allowed me to touch his soul. And after managing to hold my silence as he’d unloaded and named each and every emotion he’d been repressing since meeting me?
I’d never seen anything so damn sexy as a man recognizing his feelings and deciding how to deal with them.
But that was Rhett. He always had a plan, and his confidence even in the face of the unknown turned me on and made me feel safer than I’d ever been.
