Every Time My Heart Breaks, page 38
But I had no idea how to convince her of that.
So I stayed by her side and said, “I’ll just hang back here with you, then.”
When she sent me a grateful glance and reached out to take my hand, silently thanking me for not forcing her to do what she didn’t want to do, something clicked inside me.
And I realized I’d been blaming myself just as much as she was. I thought I was adding to her agony and was being a bitter reminder of everything bad that had happened to her; that was why she couldn’t bear to look at me anymore.
But from the single grateful glance she sent me now, it struck me that maybe I’d just been as blind as she was currently being.
She needed someone to open her eyes for her and give her a little nudge… Kind of how Pick had done for me, guiding me in the direction that he already knew my heart lay.
After the service finished, Bella and Gray gathered around us with their significant others. Thank goodness they didn’t try to talk about anything that had happened in the last month because I would’ve chased them off if they had.
Old high school stories cropped up, and they were actually able to somewhat pull Chloe into the conversation. But I kept glancing to where Nia’s mom was holding Drea and pointing at the floral arrangements, making Julian move them from one side of the casket to the other…even though the funeral was over and it was time to pack up and leave, not freaking rearrange shit.
When he struggled to lift the largest arrangement, I left Chloe’s side and started that way.
“Here, let me help,” I offered, taking hold of the other half of the plant.
“Hey, thanks,” Julian said, his lips wavering into a grateful grin, even though he looked as if he’d rather burst into tears than smile. “How about here?” he asked his mother-in-law.
She tipped her head, frowning, before she said, “No. I think I liked it better over there.”
So Julian and I lugged it back to the other side of the coffin, humoring her.
“Sweetie,” Eva said, coming up to touch the mourning mother’s shoulder. “Your arms must be tired; you’ve been holding Drea all day. How about I give you a break for a minute?”
“No, I…” Clutching the toddler closer, Julian’s mother-in-law began to cry. “I—I just can’t give her up yet. She’s the only thing I have left of my baby girl. I—I can’t…” And she hurried off in tears, taking Drea with her.
“Well, shit,” Eva muttered and started after her, probably to apologize, but Julian sighed weakly.
“Just let her go, Mom. She’ll be okay. Eventually. We all will be…” He glanced at the coffin and seemed to deflate. “It’s just going to take a while.”
Eva gripped my arm and leaned in to whisper, “I don’t think Nia’s mom is the only one who needs a moment.”
I nodded and then slapped a quick but meaningful kiss on her cheek. “Message received.”
Her eyebrows lifted in surprise, and she touched the spot where I had smooched her. “What was that for?”
“I just wanted to thank you for being an awesome mother-in-law and not—” When I lifted a meaningful glance toward the retreating back of Nia’s mom, Eva let out a breath and touched my arm.
“She just lost her child, Luke,” she scolded me for my judgment. “I’d be a complete train wreck right now if I were her.” Shuddering because of how close she had been to experiencing what Nia’s mom was, she then leaned closer and winked. “But you’re welcome.” After touching my arm, she moved away to give Julian one last minute with his wife.
I knew I was supposed to go too, but instead, I stepped forward.
He glanced at me wearily. “I think she’s done with the flowers,” he said to dismiss me.
I nodded and slid my hands into my pockets, turning slightly as if I was going to leave. I didn’t know how to talk to a widower. I sucked with polite platitudes and pleasant bullshit.
So when I veered back around to face him, I didn’t give any. Instead, I blurted, “Do you blame Chloe?”
Julian spun toward me and blinked. “What?”
“For Nia,” I said, wincing and hoping I hadn’t stepped into a whole hornet’s nest with my blunt question.
Julian furrowed his brow and gaped at me as if I’d lost my mind. “Of course not. She was just as much a victim as—fuck, Luke. Seriously. How could you even ask me that?”
I shrugged and squinted at him in apology. “I don’t know. She’s blaming herself pretty hard right now. She’s afraid to go anywhere near you because she’s convinced you must feel the same. She thinks that her even being in your presence will hurt you more and remind you that she’s the one who brought that fucker into our lives. And I know you’ve already got enough on your plate right now, but if you could just mention to her sometime that you don’t blame her…” I shrugged and shook my head, feeling like an inconsiderate asshole for doing this to him, especially on the day of his wife’s funeral…and right in front of her casket, too. “I don’t know,” I mumbled, blundering through anyway. “I just think it’d go a long way in helping her to forgive herself.”
“Christ.” Julian blew out a breath and shook his head at me after he wiped a tired hand down his face. “I’ve been so steeped in my own shit to even notice what she must be going through. God, I’m an idiot. Of course, she blames herself. If I were her; I’m sure I’d blame myself, too.” Then he glanced around and asked, “Where is she?”
“She was over by the twins last time I saw her,” I said, motioning in the direction that I’d left her.
With a single nod, Julian started marching that way.
“Julian…” his mother-in-law called, returning again as if something else had occurred to her. “Do you think you could—”
“In a minute,” he cut her off in a hard voice and kept striding past. “I’ll be right back.”
She seemed startled and indignant by the brush-off, but he didn’t seem to notice. “Chloe!” he snapped when he finally caught sight of her.
She jumped as if she were in trouble and popped to her feet from the concrete bench she’d been sitting on with Bella, her eyes wide with worry.
“Come here,” he told her roughly.
Her face paled, but she stepped forward as if she were facing a firing squad and was prepared for him to fully reject her and accuse her of everything she’d done wrong. But instead, he pulled her into a hug and kissed her hair.
“I love you, little sister. That hasn’t stopped, and it wouldn’t, even if you had been responsible for this…which you are not. Do you hear me? This isn’t on you.”
She pulled away, shaking her head as tears of regret flooded her face. “But I—”
He grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to stop. “Then I’m just as responsible as you are. Why didn’t it occur to me that he had a tracker on your car? It seems so obvious now. Why did I never even think to get that checked out?”
“But no one else—”
“Or Trick…” Julian cut in harshly. “He knew how much you liked Luke way back when you were younger. Why did he say nothing? Maybe you and Luke could’ve been together this entire time, in which case you never would’ve gotten involved with Freston at all, and Nia could still be alive today. Maybe this is all Trick’s fault.”
“No.” Chloe shook her head emphatically. “That’s ridiculous. How was Trick to know I’d bring a freaking murderer into the family and—”
“Yeah, it is ridiculous,” Julian agreed. “Just as ridiculous as it is for you to think you should’ve known he was insane enough to drive your car off the road before even bothering to check if the driver was his blond-headed ex or not. I mean, who the fuck could’ve foreseen that? This is not on you. So you’re going to have to get over this guilt or whatever the hell it is, and soon, because I will need you more than ever from this point on…” As he started to cry, Chloe sobbed and covered her mouth. “Your goddaughter is going to need you,” he added. “So please don’t stay away from us. We need you.”
“I…I won’t,” she promised and lunged toward him for another hug. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m here for you, for whatever you need.”
“Right now, I just need you here,” he assured and kissed her hair just as his mother-in-law called his name yet again.
Julian broke off with a groan. “And maybe over there,” he added with a wince. “Dealing with that for me.”
Chloe gave him a tearful laugh. “Don’t worry. I’m on it.”
As she pulled away to immediately start toward Julian’s mother-in-law, Julian and I fell into step behind her, following her back to Nia’s casket.
Nudging my arm, Julian sent me a grateful glance. “Hey. Thanks, man,” he said.
Chloe looked over her shoulder just in time to see me nod back to him. I knew she wanted to ask what that was about, but we’d already reached Nia’s mother who wanted to know why they hadn’t lowered the coffin and covered the grave yet.
So we were busy for nearly an hour helping to make her more satisfied with how everything was going.
As soon as we finished, however, the first thing Chloe asked me when we shut ourselves inside my truck to head home was, “Why did Julian thank you?”
I winced. “Because I was an ass and made him think about something other than his own pain at his wife’s funeral.”
“So you told him to talk to me?”
I shrugged and winced and started to scratch behind my ear nervously, just about certain I was going to get into some serious trouble for doing what I’d done.
“I…I knew he didn’t blame you,” I tried to explain. “And no one else was going to reach you but him. I mean, you’re supposed to be grieving right now, but you can’t even start because you’re so flooded with guilt. Dammit. You were suffering, unnecessarily. And when my wife suffers, I suffer. I was tired of us fucking suffering. And I knew it was inappropriate to go to him about it, but I think it helped you, so I’m not going to fucking apologize. Alright?”
I had honestly intended to sound a lot more humble and apologetic, but the more I talked, the more indignant the words came out sounding. And now I was holding my breath, waiting for her to react because she was just sitting there, staring at me with absolutely no expression, and it was freaking me out.
Then she said, “Take me home.”
I released a breath, certain I was in big trouble. “Chloe…” I started, my voice breaking.
But she hardened her voice and said, “Right now.”
My heart sank. I nodded mutely and put the truck into gear.
“It was the right thing to do,” I said, in one last attempt to defend myself. “Because it worked, didn’t it?”
“Wait until we get home,” was all she said.
So I snapped my mouth shut, my jaw hard, and I remained quiet until we reached her front door. But as soon as she had it unlocked and opened, I started in again.
“I don’t care how pissed you are with me, I’m glad I did it,” I said, following her inside, where she slammed the door shut and whirled toward me in a fury. “You were miserable and—mph!”
The rest of my words were muffled against her mouth as she kissed me hard.
I groaned in surprise and then kissed her back, cupping her face, then her ass when she tried to climb me.
“Not that I’m complaining, even a little,” I said breathlessly when she started licking her way down my throat and gave my mouth a moment to talk. “But, uh…what is happening?”
“Take your pants off, and I’ll show you,” she demanded, ripping at my shirt and tugging it over my head so she could kiss my chest and slide her hands over me.
“God,” I gasped. Then, with a growl, I gripped her hips and set her on a nearby table so I could press my hips between her thighs. “I thought you were pissed at me,” I panted, enjoying every second of her attention.
“Pissed?” she repeated with a disagreeing snort before pulling off her own top. When her breasts bounced inside her bra, I cupped the cloth covering both and kissed her neck. “I’m flattered and honored and completely awed by what you did.” Gripping my hair, she arched her head back, enjoying the suction of my mouth as I made my way to her collarbone. “You either had to be the most inconsiderate ass on the face of the planet to talk to a grieving widower at his wife’s funeral about my issues or you really freaking love me. Seriously, you were like my voice for me when I couldn’t talk. So you… You really do love me, don’t you?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you,” I shot back as I slipped a bra strap off her shoulder and kissed my way down the slope of one breast. “Does this mean you’re finally ready to forgive me for taking too fucking long to figure out how I feel?”
“Yes. Better late than never.” Chloe slid her fingers down the side of my throat. “Plus… You called me your wife.”
I paused and looked up at her in question. “You are my wife,” I said. “We said vows in front of a chaplain, and our family was there to prove it.”
“There’s no legal paperwork backing it up.”
“Fuck paperwork,” I growled, slipping my hand up her skirt and running my fingers along her thigh to find the edge of her panties. “I bet cavemen didn’t have paperwork when they got married.”
I tugged and ripped the cloth, freeing the undies from one leg and causing the cloth covering her most intimate parts to fall down and expose her fully to me.
“I bet cavemen didn’t even get married,” Chloe countered, reaching out to unzip my pants.
I hissed when she pulled me into her hand and stroked the turgid length. Then my head fell back as she pumped me a couple of times between her fingers. Once I couldn’t take it anymore, I latched my hands around the table on either side and looked into her eyes, letting her know with a single stare: I wanted to be inside her…immediately.
“They did if they had any brains,” I countered.
“Well, they were Neanderthals, so…” She started to guide me to her entrance.
Just as I felt her wetness against the head of my cock, I leaned in to whisper, “All they had to do was be able to say…mine.”
And I pushed inside her.
Chloe gasped and arched her head back. I started a steady rhythm of thrusting, and she shuddered with a sob. “God, I’d already forgotten just how good you feel in me.”
I smiled. “Happy to remind you.”
She looked into my face and rasped, “I love you.”
My eyes watered, and I cupped the back of her head before swooping down to kiss her heatedly until we both came. She squeezed her thighs around me, shuddering, while I groaned and filled her with my heat.
I waited until I had my breath back before I leaned by her ear to whisper, “I love you too, Chloe Hamilton.”
A faint smile drifted across her lips as she touched my face. “You know…earlier today, before we left for the funeral, I was thinking about leaving you.”
I caught my breath, unable to grasp any air for a moment, but then I nodded and confessed, “I was thinking about letting you.”
She zipped her gaze up to my eyes in surprise, and I cringed guiltily. “I thought my being with you was just a big glaring reminder of everything bad that’s happened to you lately. I thought merely looking at me hurt you, and I couldn’t stand to hurt you. I was damn near willing to do anything to help you feel better, even if that meant leaving.”
She blinked at me as if I was saying the most ridiculous thing ever. “But don’t you understand?” she said softly. “You were the very opposite of that. You weren’t what was bringing me down; you were the only thing holding me together and keeping me from falling into this black pit of nothingness. You were the only bright thing I saw at all, and I didn’t think I deserved that. I was supposed to be in that pit, I wanted to be in that pit. To punish myself. And the only way to get there was to either drag you down with me or cut you free so you still had a chance to be happy without me.”
She sniffed, and tears filled her eyes. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“God…” I breathed, cupping her cheek and pressing my brow to hers. “What a pair we make, huh? We were both convinced we were bad for each other when honestly, we’re better together.”
Chloe gripped my shoulder and held on tight. “I’m so sorry that our better or worse started out with worse.”
“Hey, it’s okay,” I said, stroking her hair. “It wasn’t your fault. Just think about it, though. If we can make it through this, we can make it through some pretty rough shit.”
“Except Nia’s still gone. God, I’m going to miss her. She had the most contagious laugh.”
I nodded slowly. “And she made the best strawberry cheesecake bites.”
Chloe sighed. “Drea has no mother. And Julian… Gah, I have no idea how he’s going to make it through this.”
“With the love and support of his family,” I promised her. “Because you can focus on him now. And you can finally begin to mourn the loss of your sister-in-law without so much crushing weight of guilt on top of all of it.”
“All because of my nosy, loud-mouthed husband,” she told me lovingly. “Who couldn’t just shut up and let me suffer in agony.”
“You’re damn right,” I told her before setting my mouth to hers. And I’d always speak up on her behalf, always champion her point of view, always love her beyond measure.
Chloe was my forever person, and I was going to ensure that I could get as much of that forever with her as I possibly could.
EPILOGUE
LUKE
“Alright, little man,” I said, fastening the Velcro strap on my son’s first pair of shoes.
We’d gotten them for him to wear when he’d started to walk a couple of months back, but he would only cry every time we put them on him, and he usually only tried to get out of them, not stand in them.
But in about an hour, a couple dozen guests were set to arrive for his first birthday party, and I was determined to get him used to them. Today.
“This is going to be just like walking without shoes…but with.”
