Safe with Me, page 12
“Broken.” I never thought I’d hate a word so much.
Chapter Eight
Fay
“Fay?”
A manicured hand flashed back and forth in front of my face and I jumped, sitting back on the hovercraft’s plush seats.
Fia’s eyes were filled with concern as they roved over me. I tugged on the edge of my recycled denim dress, trying to pretend I hadn’t drifted away again. But Fia saw right through that. She always did.
“Are you okay? You zoned out halfway through our conversation.”
I gave her an apologetic smile and she reached over to cup my chin in her hand, turning my head this way and that. It was a comforting gesture, something she’d done since I could remember.
Fia was a decade older than me and she’d somehow taken on a motherly role instead of big sister—something I realized only after leaving home for the Academy. Sisters weren’t normally so incredibly protective and affectionate at the same time. Fia was both, and I usually confided in her about everything.
“You look like you haven’t slept in days, Fay.”
Close enough.
It had been five days since I’d last seen or spoken to Havi, and in that time, I didn’t think I’d gotten any rest at all. In fact, I’d barely left the cocoon of the hospital.
My workplace had become a kind of safe haven—a place for me to hide while I pushed all the churning feelings in my belly to the side. If I stayed in the hospital, there was always something to do... A patient to attend to, a fellow medic to speak to, paperwork to complete. It was effortless to keep my mind and fingers busy for hours.
The other option was untenable. If I returned home, I’d need to revisit the scene of the crime. My skin erupted in goose bumps at the mere thought of it.
I didn’t want to be forced to relive those last few moments with Havi. In the hours after what was supposed to be a mind-blowing night, I’d replayed the chaos in my head over and over again like a loop.
I remembered that look in her eyes—confused and so damn worried—but I couldn’t do anything to soothe her. The problem was me; it had always been me.
It was really so stupid to let myself get vulnerable like this again. And hurt someone else in the process. I hadn’t called her like she’d asked me to, and although I saw signs of her around the house, I made sure I was never home before ten each night so I could avoid her until the renovation work was complete.
“Fay?” Fia’s pink brows furrowed into a deep brown, snapping me out of my panicked musings.
“Oh, right. Yes. Sorry.”
“What’s going on with you?” she questioned, tapping her sharp chrome nails on her bare thigh.
“I...” I began, then quickly gave up with a sigh. “It’s nothing.”
I watched the city flash by, just a blur of gold as we left it behind for Third. For the past few years, Fia had spent Solstice on Austy’s little Star, but while their invitation to join them had been tempting, I’d always had to work. This year, however, the hospital had shifted the roster around, and I’d gotten my first holiday off in at least two years.
Plus, I’d gotten a call from Austy’s friend Kit, saying they needed my help with something, so I’d brought my trusty medic’s kit with me.
But Fia wasn’t one to give up easily, especially not when she had picked out a vein of conversation.
“Austy said she met someone at your apartment the other day,” she said, turning shrewd eyes to me. “Your distractedness wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with a certain burly Earth person, would it?”
Perceptive as ever. I tried to shrug her question off, but she was relentless when she was determined to suss out the root of a problem, more so when it involved my life.
“Are you dating again?” she prodded, placing her hand over my own. “It’s been a while.”
I scooted over on the seat with a sigh, letting my head fall on Fia’s shoulder. “I don’t know. I think I messed up.”
She laid a hand against mine, her pink-toned wedding ring glinting beautifully in the morning light. “I’m sure it’s not as bad as all that. Come on, talk to me. We’ll figure it out.”
“Her name’s Havi,” I began, playing with Fia’s wedding ring.
“I know. Austy told me,” she admitted. “My wife may not be the best judge of character, but she really likes Havi.”
A reluctant smile tugged at my lips. “Austy will like anyone who cooks for her.”
“It is unfortunate how true that is,” Fia agreed with an exaggerated sigh. “So, this Havi makes it a point to cook for you?”
“She does,” I said, nodding against her shoulder. “I haven’t had a nutrition bar in a while now. She always packs me a nice lunch or dinner. It’s more than I deserve. Really.”
Fia touched my cheek again, her knuckles brushing gently.
“Now, why would you say that, sugar girl?”
“It’s just...” Unbidden, a tear fell from my cheek, splashing on Fia’s designer blouse.
“Shit,” I murmured, swiping at my eyes before they could betray me further.
“Hey now.” Fia’s fingers replaced my own, sweeping the tears as they continued falling. “What’s brought this on, Fay?”
“It’s all my fault. It’s me—I’m broken.”
“Hush now. Shhh,” Fia cooed, gathering me into the nook of her arms. Soothing fingers stroked my back, but the ache in my chest rioted for attention, spilling more tears down the front of Fia’s blouse.
Words of comfort flew past my ears as I clung to her, feeling the pinnacle of repressed emotions over the past few days crashing down around me and stealing my breath, my words, my very soul.
“I, um...” I trailed off, squeezing my eyes shut. “I sometimes have trouble with...being intimate with someone.”
“Hmm.” I could sense the gears turning in my sister’s head. “‘Intimacy’ is an interesting word, Fay. There are a few components to it—physical intimacy is the most obvious one. But there’s also emotional and verbal.”
“Physical,” I said quickly, clearing my throat. “It’s very hard for me to, um... Oh gods, this is mortifying.”
“Oh Fay, it’s only me.” Fia pried my clasped fingers apart and gently took my hand in hers. “You know you can tell me anything. That’s what I’m here for.”
I sighed, unable to meet her eyes. “It’s a problem I’ve always had, ever since I started seeing people.”
Fia squeezed my hand in encouragement.
“It always starts off okay, and it’s always very exciting, up until the final, you know, part. And then I just can’t. Nothing happens.”
“I see,” she said with a thoughtful hum. “Do you get nervous?”
“It feels much worse than that,” I admitted quietly. “It’s like there are too many thoughts in my head and they’re all clashing together, you know? And I can’t concentrate on the one thing I’m supposed to be doing.”
I let my forehead fall onto Fia’s shoulder again.
“I’m a medic, Fee. That’s the worst part. I’ve studied the human anatomy for close to ten years now. I tell people how to medicate and fix their ailments every. Single. Day. But me? I’m incapable of treating myself because there’s no cure for something like this.”
A sob tore through my chest. “I’m broken.”
“No.” Fia grabbed my chin, pulling my gaze up to meet hers. “You’re not broken, Fay. You need to stop saying that about yourself because it’s not true.”
“Then why...”
“There’s a lot more to intimacy than just the physical aspect. For a lot of people, they have to build trust or a bond with their partner before anything physical comes into play.”
Fia tapped my forehead with her finger. “All that is influenced by what’s up here, not what’s down there, although there is a strong connection between the two. Now, let me ask you a question. Do you have trouble with orgasms all the time or just with a partner?”
I felt my cheeks heat in a rapid flush at Fia’s easy discussion of such private things. “Um...with a partner.”
“See what I mean—you’re not broken at all, Fay. I believe this is mind over matter. A teething problem of sorts, not that I’m trying to minimize the issue in any way.”
I let my gaze drop again. “But it’s not only with Havi. People in the past... They’ve left because I couldn’t, you know...”
“Then they’re shitheads.”
Laughter and tears warred for my attention. “Fee, be serious.”
“I am,” she insisted. “Even if you couldn’t achieve an orgasm with them, so what? Does it change the kind of person you are? How lovely your smile is? How wonderful you would be as a partner? No, it does not.”
She huffed, pushing her long magenta braid over her shoulder. “I’m not a medic, but I have spent some time analyzing people. It all begins up here, Fay. A mind connection is stronger than you can imagine, and I think you should give that some thought.”
“Okay...”
“So how does this all relate to Havi?” She straightened in her seat, her gaze turning flinty. “Don’t tell me she turned you away after—”
“No, no,” I hastened to correct Fia. “She wanted to talk, but I couldn’t bear it.”
The flush worsened on my cheeks. “I locked myself in my room and refused to come out.”
Fia’s lips thinned. “That was very mature of you.”
“Give me a break, Fee. It’s been a hard few days.”
“I know, sugar girl,” she agreed with a sigh.
“Havi stood at my bedroom door, all confused and tousled and beautiful, trying to coax me out but...”
“You weren’t ready,” Fia concluded. “Again, it is mind over matter. You take your time, Fay. Nobody can rush your decision.”
“But...” I whispered. “Even when I was locked in my room, all I could think was that Havi could make it all go away with a single hug. Or a kiss. Just a moment in her arms and all my problems would disappear. How ironic is it that she was the one I was hiding from yet she’s the solution, too?”
“Ironic, yes, and very confusing. For both of you,” Fia commented, reaching for a bottle of water from her overnight bag. I watched as she sipped, then handed the bottle to me.
“No, thank you.” I shook my head. “Just hug me, please?”
“Of course, sugar girl.”
As the hovercraft zipped through the air, I shut my eyes, replaying Fia’s words in my head.
Mind over matter.
You’re not broken.
You have to build trust or a bond.
Very confusing—for both of you.
She was right, of course, as she always was. All this time, I’d been thinking about myself. My shame. My hang-ups. My inadequacy.
I hadn’t given any thought to how Havi must be feeling. Gods, how selfish I was—especially with someone as selfless as Havi.
I berated myself as my eyes slid closed. Just as I drifted off to a plagued sleep in the comfort of Fia’s shoulders, I vowed I would do right by Havi. If she would still speak to me.
Chapter Nine
Havi
“Havi, hand me that gold Santa!”
I jerked at the sound of my name, looking around the Christmas decorations that littered the floor. It was a jumble of colors and textures, and I didn’t have to be a genius to know these were donations from various people who didn’t want them anymore—there were a lot of such items at the shelter, from cutlery to furniture, and even bedsheets.
I crouched on the floor, rummaging through the pile of ornaments and locating the golden Santa in question. Winden, who was most enthusiastically putting together the Christmas tree in the lobby, sang me a thank-you in tune with a popular carol, which made me smile after the horror of the past few days.
I was all upside-down inside.
I’d tried to analyze what had happened in those last few minutes with Fay, but my mind couldn’t seem to string things together in a way that made sense. There was always some flaw in my theory or something that didn’t add up.
“Could you stay here and pass me things I need from the floor?” Winden asked, draping tinsel around the tree.
Since no one else seemed to be intent on helping him, I said, “Sure.”
But my mind wouldn’t leave Fay. I hadn’t been allowed entry into her building this morning. The security personnel was a nice elderly man who always had a kind word for me and asked about the progress on the renovation. This morning, however, he’d stopped me as I stepped into the lobby, informing me that, Ms. De Silva is out of town and wouldn’t be accepting visitors.
I’d asked when she’d be back and he’d said he wasn’t able to share personal information about the tenants. So it was like that. I’d walked back to the shelter practically dissolving into a puddle of worried mess.
Everything had been so good. So very, very good up until the point that she pulled away from me and covered her face with her hands. I hadn’t understood what that was about, but if she’d wanted me to stop, I would’ve done so without a question. But her hips had twitched so fiercely in my hands, seeking pleasure almost violently, that it hadn’t seemed like she’d wanted to stop at all.
If I closed my eyes, I could see the thin veins popping up on her neck, straining like she was right on the brink of release...but not quite enough to push her over. Had I subconsciously pushed her too hard? Had I hurt her?
My chest constricted at the thought.
I always tried to hold back a little with women as small as Fay. She was such a gentle, petite person that I didn’t want to accidentally harm her. Once, an ex of mine had asked to be spanked, and while that wasn’t really my thing, I’d gone along with it. The next day, I’d woken up to the sight of dark bruises on the curve of her lovely ass and I hadn’t been able to breathe for a few minutes, on the verge of utter panic.
She seemed to relish the bruises, though, saying she liked to see a lasting imprint of me on her. That statement had rubbed me the wrong way, and I’d made it quite clear I didn’t like anything to do with pain moving forward. Things had gone downhill from there. I guess we both chalked it up to sexual incompatibility.
But that wasn’t the case with Fay. Or at least, I didn’t think it was. I’d watched the play of desire on her face, cataloging how each flick of my fingers, each brush of my hands, each suckle of my lips made her feel.
I’m broken. I should have told you earlier.
That statement, the way she’d said it—as though she believed it to be fact—haunted me. I’d been hearing it while I worked, dreaming about it, waking up to it first thing in the morning.
Broken—how? Why? How could the most perfect being in the world think she could be broken?
“Could you pass me those gold bow ornaments?”
I nodded absently, preoccupied with my thoughts.
No amount of “trying again” is gonna change me, Havi.
That statement had floored me. I hadn’t asked her to change, had I? I’d certainly never said those words—never even thought them, to be honest. My body had been too preoccupied with pleasing her to have implied it.
I just thought maybe...maybe it would be different this time. But it never is.
It was like piecing together a puzzle. The clues were: it had happened before (very likely with someone else in a sexual scenario, but I wasn’t going to dwell on that), she couldn’t change it, and it made her feel broken.
“Havi, your face is scaring me.”
I blinked, looking up at Winden and his mop of blond curls. He was staring down at me with a little apprehensive frown, and I struggled to right my expression.
“Christmas is supposed to be joyous, or so I’ve heard.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. I was just thinkin’.”
“About something awful, probably. Your eyes were like lasers.”
I sighed, setting my butt on the floor to take the pressure off my knees.
“You wanna talk about it?” he asked hesitantly, adjusting the little solar-powered lights on the tree.
“Not particularly.”
“It could help, you know. I might not have answers, but I’m a good listener.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, my parents got divorced when I was thirteen, so I was like the unofficial counselor for their fraying relationship as soon as I understood words.”
“Hey, that’s rough.”
“No, no, no... What I’m saying is, I’m a practiced listener. So lay it on me.”
Well, I wasn’t going to share exactly what was on my mind...
“What does it mean when someone says they’re broken?”
He paused, pursing his lips. “In what context?”
“I...can’t say.”
He squinted at me, his large doe eyes narrowed into slits. “So I’m guessing it’s something sexual.”
Damn, he’s perceptive.
“I didn’t say that.”
“It’s all right. Let me think.”
He asked me to pass him more of the decorations and continued hooking them onto the tree, humming to himself.
“Okay, so...let’s think about that word for a minute. ‘Broken.’ Inherently it means ‘not normal.’ So their body or their mind is not functioning in a normal way. I guess what I would do is recall the conversation you were having with this person and try to see what could have malfunctioned.”
I stared at him, blinking at that last word. Malfunctioned.
Malfunctioned like...not working properly.
Her body didn’t work properly... Something that had happened before...
The dots were finally connecting in my brain. That look of utter desperation in her eyes as she rode my tongue, and then the overwhelming sadness as she’d pulled away without the telltale flutters of an orgasm.
