Silas: A Station 47 Novel, page 14
“Or …”
“Or what?”
“When was your last period?”
“You know that shit isn’t regular. I’m on birth control mainly for that reason.”
“Yeah, but we both know nothing is one hundred percent. When was your last one?”
I think about the last month and how much of a whirlwind it was. I’ve been so busy planning for that show that I have no idea when my last one was.
And that’s when it hits me.
I haven’t had my period since they called to invite me to join them, and that was a little over a month ago.
“Nikki …” I say, fear laced in my voice.
“Do I need to go to the store and come over?”
“Can you?” I plead.
“On my way.”
We hang up, and my mind races the entire way back to my house.
Could I be pregnant? We had sex that one time, but I’m on birth control. It wasn’t even a thought in my mind, but now, I’m honestly worried this could be what’s going on.
I walk into my house and instantly pick up my phone and pull up the calendar, trying to match the date to when my last period was.
By the time Nikki walks through my door, I’m in full panic mode, and it only takes one look at me for her to realize it.
She places her hands on either side of my arms. “Okay, let’s breathe. Don’t panic.”
“I’m panicking.”
She hands me the bag she’s holding. “Well then … let’s find out for sure before you panic then. No need to get all worked up until you know.”
I take it from her and walk to my bathroom, shaking as I open the test. After I use the bathroom, I place it on the box and head back to the kitchen, where Nikki is standing, waiting for me.
“It’s done. I can’t look. Give it a minute, and then you have to go in there and check,” I say as I head to the couch and plop down.
She sits next to me and places her hand on my knee. “Do you want to talk about it beforehand? Sometimes, it’s nice to know your thoughts before you know for sure.”
I shake my head, staring straight ahead, not saying a word.
She’s right. I’m not going to think about it until I know there’s something to think about.
The next few minutes go by slower than I thought humanly possible. Each second feels like ten, and each minute feels like an hour.
When she gets up to go check it, my stomach sinks.
This is it. The rest of my life comes down to what a stick I just peed on says.
She doesn’t say a word, so when I turn to face her, I see she doesn’t need to say anything.
Her face says it all.
I take a large inhale and nod my head slowly as she comes to sit next to me.
“What are you thinking?” she asks and gives me time to reply as I let everything sink in.
I close my eyes and let out another breath. “I don’t know.”
“You have options,” she says timidly.
I shake my head. “I’ll never judge anyone who goes through with that, but, no, it’s not an option for me.”
She rubs her lips together as a slow grin grows across her face. “Then, we’re having a baby.” Her voice rises slightly with every word. “I get to be an auntie.”
A tear slips from my eye. “I’m having a baby.”
“You’re having a baby!”
She wraps her arms around me as I nod, still in disbelief.
28
Kara
Nikki had to get to work, so I spend the entire day alone, trying to figure out how to tell Silas that I’m pregnant. The fact that I have no clue how he’ll respond is what is making it so hard. Since he took me to Disneyland, I would think he wants kids, but we’ve only been together for a few months.
Yes, it’s been going very well, but that doesn’t mean he wants to spend forever with me. We haven’t even said I love you yet.
He must be having a busy day at work because I haven’t heard from him at all. I don’t know if I would have been able to hide what’s going on if he had called, so I’m at least thankful for that.
What I can’t wrap my head around is if I’m happy, worried, scared, or what? It’s like I’m a bundle of emotions that can change anytime from one to the next. I’ve cried, I’ve paced, I’ve stared at myself in the mirror, imagining what is going on inside of me. It’s been a whirlwind of thoughts that I wish I weren’t going through on my own. I just don’t want to share with anyone else until I tell Silas.
What shocks me the most is how within the span of less than twenty-four hours, I have had two very life-altering events take place, which can both change my life forever, but I don’t see how I can have them both.
I finally get all my dreams to come true with my music, and now, I feel like it’s come to a screeching halt. But maybe that’s God’s plan. He wanted me to have that success before he opened another door for me.
I just can’t understand how yesterday was the best day of my life, so I should be solely focused on how amazing that was, yet here I sit, having no clue what my future holds.
As I lie in bed, going over what I’m going to say to Silas for the thousandth time, all I can do is cry. Cry for joy, cry for the end of my music dreams, and cry for fear of how Silas is going to react.
To my surprise, I hear my front door open and pop up in question, only to hear Nikki’s voice.
“It’s me,” she announces her arrival.
I gave her a key a while ago just so someone had access to my place if needed, and I’m so glad I did.
“I’m back here,” I respond.
I don’t bother getting up from my curled-up position in my bed and love when she joins me, wrapping her arms around me and not saying a word. Just her being here with me is enough right now.
Of course, I don’t sleep a wink. I need to talk to Silas before I worry myself into a frenzy. When I know he’s getting off, I send him a text.
I hope you got some sleep last night.
Any chance you can come over this morning?
He’s quick to respond.
I’ll be right there. Everything okay?
See you soon.
I leave it vague, which if someone did to me, it would make me worry even more, but I have no idea what else to say.
“Did you just text him?” Nikki asks as she lies next to me.
“Yeah. He’s on his way.”
She sits up. “Okay, I’ll give you guys your space.” She stands and starts to gather her things. “What are you going to say?”
“I have to just rip off the Band-Aid. Either he’ll be here for it or not. No sense in beating around the bush. I just worry because he made such a big deal, saying he’d protect me by all means.”
She purses her lips and lets out a breath, then opens her arms to me. “You know I’m here for you, right?”
We hug, and I take the time to hold her, hoping it gives me the strength I need. “Thank you.”
“God works in mysterious ways,” she says as she pulls back. “Whatever happens today, just remember that.”
“I will.”
We walk to the living room, where she grabs her things and opens the door just as Silas pulls up.
“Good luck,” she singsongs to me as he exits the truck.
“Hey.” He walks up to me with a look of concern that makes my stomach turn even more. “Everything okay?” he asks as he gives me a kiss and hug hello.
“Yeah, come on in.”
I hold his hand as I enter my house and head toward my couch and sit us both down.
“Angel, you’re worrying me. What’s going on?”
I take a deep inhale and blurt out, “I’m pregnant.”
His face goes extremely pale as he sits there without saying a word.
I give him a moment to process what I just said, then ask, “Say something.”
He shakes his head.
“No, you don’t want to say anything? Or no …” I leave the other part just floating in the air, unsaid.
“No,” he whispers.
“No what?”
“You said you were on birth control.”
“I am. I guess they were right in school that it’s not one hundred percent effective,” I say, trying to joke, but he doesn’t even crack a smile.
He still looks like he’s seen a ghost, staring off in space.
“Will you look at me?” I ask.
He shakes his head, then closes his eyes.
“Silas.” I reach for his hand.
A tear slips from his eye.
“Silas, talk to me.”
He shakes his head. “You don’t understand. I can’t have kids. I—I—I just can’t. I won’t survive it.” His voice cracks, and my heart breaks for so many reasons that I can’t wrap my head around them.
“What do you mean, you won’t survive it?”
He drops his head to his hands, and he can’t hold back his tears.
I place my hand on his back, and he instantly jumps up.
“I have to go.”
I sit there in shock as he walks out my door, making me cry because I honestly have no idea what all of that meant, but the fact that he walked out the door said a lot.
Looks like I’m on my own.
Silas
I don’t know if I should scream, throw up, or cry. I feel like I should do all three right before I beat the living shit out of myself for walking out her door.
I couldn’t sit there and have her watch me cry. Because that’s the exact response I have.
I want to cry for the family that I couldn’t save.
I want to cry for the girl I’m falling in love with.
And I want to cry for myself that I can’t be a father one day.
I always wanted to be a dad, but after what I’ve been through, there’s just no way.
What am I to do now though?
I’ve never been so terrified in my life. This is a fear that feels like it’s gripping my insides and making it impossible to breathe. The type of fear that takes over your entire being and holds you captive until you can’t function or makes you do the stupidest thing you could have ever done—walk out on the woman carrying your child.
Not knowing what to do, I pick up my phone and call Myles.
“What’s up, bro?”
“She’s pregnant,” I blurt out, then slam my palm on the steering wheel.
“Whoa … okay. First, calm down and take a deep breath.” He pauses, and I do as told. “And you know it’s yours?”
“Yes, fucker. Of course it’s mine.”
“Does she know you don’t want kids? Did you ever talk to her like I told you to?” he points out like a parent would.
“No. All right, I never told her. Don’t give me that I told you so shit either. What am I going to do?”
“You’re going to talk to her. Tell her why you don’t.”
“It’s a little too late for that talk.”
“What do you want?”
I finally admit to myself that I do really want to be a dad, but I can’t speak the words.
When I don’t respond, he asks, “What happened when she told you?”
“I was in shock. I started to cry, then got up and left.”
“You cried?” he asks in disbelief.
“Yes, okay, I fucking cried, which is why I left, and now, I’m driving around like a complete asshole, having no clue what to do.”
“Why did you cry? I mean, you know I don’t want kids, but I wouldn’t cry about it.”
“It caught me so off guard. And … I really like this girl.”
“It’s one thing to not want kids. I’ve never wanted kids. But when did you start to feel that way?”
I finally admit, “You know when …”
“Ah fuck, Fed. You can’t put that shit on yourself.”
I pull over and drop my head to my steering wheel. “How can I not? I’ll never get her screams out of my head. If that were my child …”
“It wasn’t. And it won’t be. Accidents happen.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know how people move on from something like that.”
“So, you’ll stop living the life you wanted for fear of that happening?”
“Absolutely.”
“Bro, that’s some fucked-up shit. You need to go talk to a counselor and get some help. You can’t let the job rule your life.”
“I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Well, buck up, bronco, because you’re about to find out.”
I shake my head. “I can’t. I just can’t.”
He lets out a breath into the phone. “Where are you? Want to meet at Ruby’s?”
I look around and realize I’m on Natchez Trace Parkway. Last time I needed to just clear my head, she had me drive here. I couldn’t believe how much that helped me then, and now, I’m here again.
“No. No drinking. I need to just go for a drive.”
“Okay. Go for your drive, then meet me at Ruby’s.”
“We’ll see. Right now, I just need to listen to music and drive.”
“Whatever you need to do. Call me later.”
“I will.”
I hang up, get back on the road, turn up the music, and just drive.
29
Kara
Nikki came right back over, and we’ve been wrapped up in blankets on my couch, watching movies, ever since.
We haven’t talked at all about the pregnancy or Silas. When I called her, asking to come back over, nothing else needed to be said. He was gone, and I was alone. That was all she needed to know.
I jump when I hear my phone ring and close my eyes, saying a silent prayer that it’s Silas calling, but I’m even more surprised when I see Joey’s name pop up.
I glance at Nikki, then answer it, concerned Silas might be at Ruby’s and not in good form from the bomb I dropped on him earlier.
“Hey, Joey.” I try to fake that I’m happy he’s calling, hoping my worst thoughts aren’t true.
“Kara, this is Myles, Fed’s friend from the station,” he says.
I sit up, wondering even more now what’s going on since he’s calling me from Joey’s phone. “Is everything okay? Is Silas there?”
He sighs. “No, sorry, he’s not. He’s not answering his phone either.”
I look at Nikki, trying not to panic.
“Look, I know what’s going on. And I’m sure he’ll absolutely kick my ass for calling you, but I felt you needed to know his why.”
I get more comfortable on the couch and put the phone on speaker so Nikki can hear too. “Okay.”
“You know we see some crazy shit in our line of work, right?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Some of us learn how to deal with it, and some of us deal with certain situations different from others.”
“Okay …” I say, a little confused as to where this is going.
“Feddeler is a great guy. He’s my best friend, no doubt.”
“Yeah …”
“But he’s dealing with a situation that led to how he reacted today.”
I lick my lips, fighting back tears. Memories of him crying before walking out are still too fresh in my mind, no matter how much I’ve tried to push them away today.
“One of the first calls he went on was for a child who drowned.”
I cover my mouth in shock.
“It was a horrific scene. The mom was screaming while the dad administered CPR on the two-year-old little boy who was already blue.”
Tears that I can’t hold back fall down my face as Nikki reaches for my hand.
“It fucked up Fed bad. For months, he couldn’t get the mom’s screams out of his head. We tried to take him to choir practice as much as we could to help him get it out of his mind. Eventually, he was able to move on, but obviously, a part of it stayed with him.”
Then, it hits me. “That’s why he said he wouldn’t be able to survive it?”
He lets out a deep breath. “Yeah. He’s so scared to have his own child that he swore he’d never have any.”
“Oh my God,” I whisper, looking at Nikki, who wraps her arms around me.
“Now, I don’t know where he is or what his plans are, but I just felt like you needed to know his why. He’s really not a bad guy.”
My voice cracks as I say, “I know he’s not.”
“Okay, well, my good deed for the day is done, though I’m not sure how much it helped.”
“It helped a lot. Thank you for telling me.”
“Just hope you two work it out. I know he really cares for you. He told me that this morning.”
I nod, not able to say anything else as the tears are falling too much to do so.
“Myles, this is Nikki, Kara’s friend. When you spoke, did he tell you where he was going?”
“No, just that he was going for a drive.”
“I know where he went then,” I say, my voice cracking.
“Glad to hear. He’s pretty messed up, and I don’t like the idea of him being alone.”
Nikki looks at me for confirmation, and I nod.
“We’ll get him,” she says. “Thanks for calling.”
“Yeah. Good luck, and, hey, congratulations.”
I let out a surprised laugh, forgetting for a second why we’re here in the first place. “Thank you.”
We say our goodbyes, and I look at Nikki.
“So, you’re going for a drive?” she asks.
I nod.
“Do you want me to come?”
I grasp her hand. “I think I’ll do this one alone.”
She stands with her arms wide open. I do the same, and we embrace.
“Thanks for being here for me,” I whisper.
“Anytime. Now, go get your guy.”
I head to the door, slip on my shoes, and look at myself in the mirror. “Oh my God, I look like a wreck.”
“Yeah, well, maybe he should see what he’s done to you.”
I turn her way in surprise after what we just heard.
She holds her hands up in defense. “Hey, I know he’s got some fucked-up shit in his head, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t see what his actions did. Forgiving him is one thing; making sure he knows what he did is another.”
