Scram!, page 5
There is just enough left over for a Yogga-Pop.
One each.
As we are coming round the corner into Navarino Street, we see Kurt walking down the road towards the house.
Marcie whispers, ‘Quick! Put Clement under the kimono – we’ll pretend we’re chatting until he goes indoors.’
But Kurt doesn’t go indoors. He walks past the house and right towards where we are standing.
Marcie whispers, ‘Act casual.’
So I try to think what Ruby Redfort would do. She would probably blow a bubble-gum bubble but I don’t have any bubble gum. Dad banned it when some got attached to the sofa cushion, which he sat on, and it transferred to his second-best trousers.
He was quite cross.
And now bubble gum is not allowed.
Kurt says, ‘How come you are hanging about here?’
I can’t talk because my Yogga-Pop is all stuck in my teeth.
Marcie says, ‘Why? Is it against the law or something?’
And he says, ‘I was just asking.’
Marcie says, ‘We’ve just been selling some stuff – that’s all.’
And I manage to say, ‘Outside the house like the Cushions do.’
Kurt says, ‘What stuff?’
And Marcie says, ‘That box of old jumble in the washing-machine room.’
Kurt says, ‘My T-shirt was lying on top of that box – I hope you didn’t sell that?’
Marcie looks at me and I say, ‘Mainly we just sold old clobber from my bedroom.’
And then Kurt says, ‘Did you use the money to buy that dog?’
And I say, ‘What dog?’
And he says, ‘The one under Mum’s kimono – are you unaware of it?’
And I say, ‘Oh, I wonder where that came from?’
And Kurt says, ‘You have it on a lead!’
And Marcie says, ‘Promise you won’t tell?’
And Kurt says, ‘It’s not me telling that you need to worry about – Mum’s going to find out anyway as soon as she sees that.’
And then we both see what he means because Clement has chewed a big hole in the bottom of Mum’s kimono.
And then we tell Kurt the whole story.
He says, ‘You know you can’t keep it a secret forever?’
And we say, ‘Just until Mum and Dad get back.’
And I say, ‘We are trying to prove that we are very responsible and then maybe we would be allowed to keep him.’
Kurt pats him on the head and says,
‘He’s a really nice dog. What’s his name?’
And we say, ‘Clement.’
Kurt says, ‘Like the shop?’
And I say, ‘Yep, like the shop.’
And he says, ‘Don’t worry – I won’t tell, but don’t let Grandad see him or he will worry about Chirp.’
And Marcie says,
‘And don’t tell Minal!’
And I say, ‘Because he is a little big mouth!’
And Marcie says, ‘I’m really sorry
but I think we did sell your T-shirt.’
But, strangely, Kurt isn’t even cross.
Now that there are three of us who know about the secret dog there are fewer people to find out about him, so we don’t have to worry so much.
We come up with a sort of plan.
Kurt says he can take Clement once round the block just before bed because dogs always need to go once round the block just before bed.
He says, ‘But what are we going to do with him for now?’
I say, ‘I have been hiding him in the shed – Minal never goes in there. He’s too scared of the spiders.’
Marcie says, ‘Won’t it be too hot?’
I say, ‘I’ve opened the two windows and it’s coolened down a lot because the big tree gives it the after-lunch shade.’
Marcie goes in to test it out and when she’s sure it’s fine for a human being, she decides it will be fine for a dog being too. Then we get on with our plan.
Kurt says, ‘I will distract Minal
and you can make a run for it.’
It’s easy to distract Minal when you want to.
All you have to do
is tickle him.
Marcie distracts Grandad by telling him a very complicated thing that happened once at school, and Grandad is finding it hard to keep up.
He keeps saying, ‘Who did you say fell into the swimming pool?’
Neither of them notice me and Clement slipping out of the back door.
While I am fluffing up Clement’s blanket, and giving him his food, I can hear the telephone ringing.
Minal shouts,
‘Clarice Bean, Mum and Dad are on
the telephone from another country
and you have to come right now!’
Of course Robert Granger straight away pops up on the wall. He always wants to know what other people are up to because it’s always more interesting than what he is up to.
Robert says,
‘Why are your mum and dad
in another country?
Why are they on
the telephone?
Why were you in the shed?
Are you feeding your
pretend dog?’
I leave him to bother Minal with his
none-of-his-business questions,
and I run indoors.
It is interesting to hear Mum and Dad’s news.
They say the married couple are floating about in a hot-air balloon but will be down in time for supper.
To me it seems quite exciting but they both sound very bored about it.
Dad says, ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a tin of horrible spaghetti.’
Mum says, ‘I am so hungry I could eat Dad.’
By the time we have finished chatting, it is time for our own supper.
Grandad decides it is too hot to cook and so he sends Kurt and Marcie out to fetch fish and chips from the fish-and-chip shop.
Everybody is pleased about this
because everybody likes fish and chips.
Before I sit down to eat my food, I pop out to check on Clement.
He seems very happy. He is busy chewing a dog toy in the shape of an elephant and he doesn’t even look up when I go to leave.
The fish and chips have made everyone in an extra good mood at the table and it is all pleasant except for Minal, who is talking with his mouth full as usual. He is burbling on about nothing and talking about Robert Granger next door and no one is interested until he says,
‘I think there’s a dog
living in our shed.’
Marcie splurts water all over the table.
But Kurt just keeps eating chips like no one has said anything important, so I do the same.
It’s a Ruby Redfort tactic.
Rule 22:
if you think you might
talk yourself into a trap,
keep your trap shut.
Grandad says, ‘This morning you said there was a ghost in the cupboard.’
Minal says, ‘There is a ghost in the cupboard.
I saw it.’
Grandad says, ‘And a dog in the shed?’
Minal says, ‘Yes, Robert says Clarice is feeding it sgahetti in a tin.’
I say, ‘Robert Granger is always making things up which aren’t even true.’
Minal says,
‘But Robert says he heard
barking coming out of the shed?’
Kurt says, ‘It was probably Clarice. She is trying to make Robert envious by pretending we have a dog.’
Marcie says, ‘Yes, Clarice is just pretending to have a dog. It’s just a pretend one.’
Grandad says,
‘Pretend dogs
are the best kind.
I’m sure Peggy wishes Violet was a pretend dog.
Imagine if she had swallowed poor Cheeks.’
Marcie looks at me and I look at Kurt and Kurt makes a face. Clement must not see Chirp or something bad might happen.
Grandad doesn’t take any notice of Minal.
He says, ‘Now, why don’t we all sit down and watch television together?’
Everybody likes this idea especially because the sitting room is less sweltering than
all the other rooms.
Watching TV makes us forget our worries
and even Minal has instantly forgotten
about the possible dog in the shed.
But it doesn’t last.
A howling sound comes in through the kitchen window and drifts all the way into the sitting room and Marcie has to turn the TV up really loudly so Grandad won’t wonder who it is.
Luckily Minal thinks it’s coming from upstairs.
He says, ‘I think I can hear the ghost again.
He’s definitely still in the cupboard.’
Grandad says, ‘Do you think maybe it’s time for bed?’
But Minal says he won’t step one toe in our room. He says he knows the ghost will get out of the cupboard and sit on him in the night.
He says, ‘I am not sleeping with a ghost.’
While Grandad is busy trying to calm Minal down, Kurt manages to sneak Clement out through the house because Marcie is sure he might need
a you know what but in fact it slightly turns out to be too late as he has already weed on Mum’s hand-knitted-by-Mrs-Rogers blanket.
Marcie says, ‘Well, at least it was only pee.’
But I’m not sure Mum will think that since now three actual things of hers have been ruined, including a kimono and a Christmas tablecloth.
By the time Kurt and Clement get back from their once round the block, the problem of where to put Clement has been solved.
Minal says he wants to sleep with Grandad, so Grandad has to have him in his room in a sleeping bag even though it’s much too hot for sleeping bags. He looks like a
biggish maggot
lying on
the carpet.
Grandad says, ‘Let’s all just go to bed.
We’ll deal with that ghost in the morning.
It’s too late to think about it now.’
So Clement sleeps in my room
and no one has to sleep in the shed.
He seems to like it under the bed with
Marcie on the floor next to him.
And everyone is relieved
because no one wants
to sleep with the
spiders.
A fly wakes me up really early. It is circling round my room very slowly because it is too hot to buzz about quickly.
It wakes Marcie up too. She shakes my arm and says, ‘We need to take Clement for his you know what.’
I scramble myself out of the tangled-up sheet and look for my left slipper, which has crept under my bed and is slightly wet from being chewed.
But in fact it is too hot for slippers.
I look at myself in the bathroom mirror – my hair is all clabbed to my face with heat and I look a bit hot in the cheeks.
We decide to go out in our nighties because they are very cool and they could be summer dresses if you decided they were. Clement licks my knees and we go downstairs. Very, very quietly.
Marcie and I look for Clement’s rainbow lead but the funny thing is we just can’t find it.
It’s completely gone.
We search everywhere.
Kurt says, ‘I think it got accidentally dropped in the garden.’
He says, ‘Clement was chewing it and I was trying to get him inside before Grandad saw us – I had to throw his elephant to get him to let go.’
So I run out to have a look but there is no sign of the elephant or the lead. I even crawl into the flowerbed and
I am just beginning to think the lead has utterly vanished when I see Minal walk into the garden.
He has the elephant attached to Clement’s rainbow lead and he is dragging it around, pretending it is a pet. Before I can march up and grab it, Mrs Stampney pops her head over the fence and says, ‘Was that your dog barking at my cat yesterday evening?’
And Minal says,
‘No, we don’t have a real dog.
Clarice has a pretend one in the shed
but we have an actual ghost in
the cupboard upstairs.’
Mrs Stampney says,
‘What on earth are you
babbling about?’
Minal says, ‘The ghost in the cupboard.
Did you hear it howling?’
Mrs Stampney says, ‘I’m not interested in howling ghosts – I’m interested in barking dogs.’
Minal says, ‘Robert says our pretend dog barks but it doesn’t – it eats sgahetti out of a tin.’
Mrs Stampney says, ‘Oh for goodness’ sake!’
Then she disappears and Minal goes off to sit in his sand pit with the elephant.
And I grab the rainbow lead and Marcie, Clement and I race out of the house as quickly as we can.
The pavement isn’t too heated up to walk on but we decide to skip just in case.
We don’t bump into anyone we know except for the Cushions.
They are putting out their little table with their homemade plants but no one else is about.
It is fun having a dog to walk
and we all run
round and round and round –
only the dog people are there.
Grandad wants to make sure everything upstairs is shipshape by the time Mum and Dad get home.
So I have to explain to Clement that he needs to stay in the downstairs toilet while I wait for Grandad to check our rooms for tidiness.
Clement doesn’t seem to mind so I leave him there and run upstairs.
Minal is standing outside our bedroom door, talking through the gap. He is trying to explain to Grandad where his clean clothes are without stepping a toe inside – he won’t go in because of the ghost.
I secretly hope he might decide to move into Grandad’s room for always. I would rather share with a ghost than a younger brother.
Grandad is looking for Minal’s green top, which is difficult because all his clothes are on the floor and the floor is mainly green.
Minal says he only wants to wear this one with the anteater on it but when Grandad finds it, it turns out to have been strangely chewed and this sets Minal off again.
He is whimpering, ‘It’s eaten my anteater top.’
Grandad says, ‘No, no, ghosts don’t have teeth.’
But he doesn’t sound as sure about it as he did before.
He looks relieved when the doorbell pings and we can all go downstairs.
It’s Sandra from nice-next-door.
She says, ‘I’m so sorry to ask but would you mind helping me fix the electric fan? I am absolutely sweltering.’ Grandad is good at fixing things, so people are always asking him stuff like this.
No one minds because Sandra is not Mrs Stampney and if you kick a football into her garden she will pop it straight back.
Grandad calls out, ‘Tell Kurt he is in charge and if there is an emergency, just squeal.
I’ll only be over the fence.’
As soon as the front door closes, there is a very loud screech and when I turn round I see Minal toppling backwards, being licked in the face by the dog who has escaped from the downstairs toilet.
Minal is very flustered and quite shocked.
He says, ‘The pretend dog just licked me in the face.’
Just exactly then, Marcie calls out, ‘Mum and Dad are coming down the road. I can see them from the window!’
Kurt says, ‘Quick! Hide Clement!’
I say, ‘Minal, you are not to tell!’
Minal says, ‘I won’t.’
I say, ‘You better promise!’
And he says, ‘I promise.’
And we put Clement back where he was and try to act natural.
We open the front door and there are
Mum and Dad.
They look very happy to be home, though a bit hot in the cheeks.
And we ask them lots of questions about their trip.
Mum says, ‘I am desperate for a cup of tea and a sit-down, but if I don’t change into something cool, I think I’ll melt – how did it get to be so hot?’
Dad says, ‘It’s so humid it could rain.’
Mum says, ‘Yes, it feels like thunder.’ Dad says, ‘I’ll take a dip and then come back down.’
Kurt carries their suitcase up to their room, Marcie runs Dad a bath and I fetch them some cool drinks.
Mum says, ‘Goodness, you are all being so helpful!’
Dad says, ‘Why are you all being so helpful?’
Mum says, ‘Yes, why are you all being so helpful?’
I say, ‘It’s just nice to have you back.’
Then I run down to check on Clement but strangely he is no longer in the downstairs toilet.
I run around like mad trying to find where he has got to, then I catch sight of him through the kitchen window.
He is sitting in the paddling pool with Minal.
He has the rainbow lead clipped to his collar.
I rush into the garden but just as I get there Robert Granger pops on to the wall, and he is holding the rabbit.
He says, ‘Hey, you do have a dog!’
I say, ‘Can you talk any louder?’
He says, ‘What’s his name?
Do you think he likes rabbits?’
And then he climbs down
into our actual garden
and Clement looks up,
and the rabbit wriggles,
and Robert
lets go . . .
and the rabbit runs
and Clement squeaks and
jumps out of the paddling pool . . .
and runs
towards
the fence.
He disappears
through the hole
and into
Mrs Stampney’s garden.
There is a scream.
Then a loud rumbling noise
and a cracking sound
and suddenly it is
pouring
with
rain.
And the next thing we know the doorbell is pinging like mad.
Mum rushes downstairs and when she opens the door Mrs Stampney is on the step with a purple face.
Mrs Stampney is not put off by lightning or thunder. She shouts,
‘Are you actually aware that there is a dog right now in my garden walking about on my new patio which my brother-in-law has just concreted down?’
