Scram!, page 3
I have to stand on the hall chair to unlock the big bolt on the front door. It’s very hard to budge.
And it makes a clank sound and I hold my breath.
But no one wakes up.
The dog is still there.
He is sleeping in the flower planter but as soon as I take a step he wakes up and starts wagging.
So I whisper for him to follow me and we must be speaking the same language now because he understands and we tiptoe through the house and out of the back door.
I decide he can sleep in the shed at the bottom of the garden. No one ever goes in there except for sometimes and never Minal because of the spiders.
I run back for Mum’s hand-knitted-by-Mrs-Rogers blanket, and fill up a bowl with water and put it inside the shed, then I creep out and close the door.
And I hope he is not scared of spiders
because there are some
big ones
in there.
At 4.55am I am woken by a strange sound – it’s quite loud but not in the room. At first I think it’s the washing machine doing something strange. But then I think why would the washing machine be washing things at 4.55am when everyone is asleep?
At 5.23 I realise it must be the dog speaking his dog language, which I can’t understand, so I creep out of bed and tiptoe down to the garden. The sun is already up and it is quite warm.
The dog is very pleased to see me, so I lie down on the blanket and we both fall asleep.
I’m not sure what time it is when I wake up but there is a woodlouse walking up my arm. I don’t mind woodlouses and I just shake him off into a potted plant.
The dog is still sleeping, so I carefully creep out and skip up the garden. The grass is all cool on my feet, and when I walk into the kitchen I leave wet footprints on the floor.
I am strangely quite hungry but there is nothing breakfastish to eat except for a glass of milk. And this makes me think that maybe the Clement’s dog is hungry too.
And I wonder if dogs eat the same food as cats. If only Betty was home – she would know the answer.
It’s still very early but even so I can hear footsteps of everyone getting up, even Kurt who normally sleeps late-ishly.
Grandad says it’s because of the heatwave – ‘It’s a bit like being in a cooking pot being in this house.’
At least the kitchen is still nice and cool.
Grandad is fiddling about with the kettle – he likes to have a cup of tea the instant he wakes up.
He says, ‘A hot cup of tea is good
for cooling you down.’
I don’t understand how this can be true.
Grandad says, ‘I had strange dreams of wolves.
I woke up and thought I could hear one howling. It was very realistic. I think Chirp had the same dream because she was hopping about in her cage.’
Marcie says, ‘That’s funny – I had exactly the same dream.’
Kurt says, ‘Pass the Puffa-Puffs.’
And Minal says, ‘They are trapped in a box.’
Of course, he is right for once.
All the breakfast and everything else that is mainly food is trapped in a box.
So I offer to go to the corner shop by myself.
You see I have a clever plan, which means I can buy a tin of dog food in secret with my rainbow-skate savings from my money toadstool – everyone will just think I am being helpful.
Unfortunately Grandad says,
‘What a good idea. I’ll keep you company.’ And he goes to fetch the
wheeling-along shopping bag.
While Grandad chats to Mr Clement, I give him the slip. It’s a technique I learned from Ruby Redfort – she spends most of her time giving people the slip – and I quickly zip off to fetch all the things we need from all the different shelves.
Grandad likes chatting, so it isn’t difficult for him to be distracted.
I am crouching down looking at the dog-food cans but it’s hard to know which is the best type of a dog food to get because I don’t know anything about dog food. In the end I choose the kind that is in a green tin because I like the colour.
Grandad only notices the tin when Mr Clement is adding everything up together but luckily he isn’t wearing his good glasses, because he says,
‘Is that a tin of that strange spaghetti
we had last night?’
It does look almost identically the same because of the green tin and the black writing.
So I say, ‘Yes, I might be having it for breakfast.’
And Grandad says, ‘So long as no one’s going to make me eat it.’
Mr Clement says,
‘You do know it’s dog food?’
And Grandad says,
‘Yes, we had it for dinner last night.’
And Mr Clement laughs, thinking we’re joking about eating dog food for dinner and Grandad laughs, thinking we’re talking about eating horrible spaghetti which tastes of dog food. And while they are both thinking this is funny I slip the exact money for the dog food into Grandad’s pocket. This way I am not spending his money on dog food without asking.
Mr Clement says,
‘Talking of dogs, is there any sign
of that stray puppy that was
hanging about?’
And I fidget a bit and do a shrug like I don’t know.
And he says, ‘I was going to call the dog shelter yesterday – but then it was gone.’
Grandad says, ‘Is it grey? I saw a small grey dog sleeping under a bench on the hill last week.’
Mr Clement says, ‘Yes.’ And he does a big sigh
and says, ‘It’s a shame when people abandon
their dogs.’
I say, ‘How do you know it doesn’t belong to someone?’
And Mr Clement says,
‘I haven’t seen any posters around mentioning a missing dog, and no one has asked me to put a sign in my window.’
Then he does another sigh and says, ‘And it has no collar or tag, which means no one is responsible for him,’ and then he itches his arm and says, ‘Of course it might have fleas, poor thing.’
And this makes me itch my arm too.
Grandad and I wheel our shopping bag home and we unpack everything on the kitchen table.
I say, ‘It’s such a nice day I might go and eat my breakfast in the garden.’ But no one takes any notice because they are all trying to get their hands on the Puffa-Puffs.
I take the green tin of dog food, a bowl and a can opener and I sneak quickly out of the house while no one is seeing.
But when I am halfway down the garden trying to be in a low profile, Robert Granger suddenly pops up on the wall.
He says, ‘What are you doing?’
I say, ‘None of your business.’
He says, ‘Is that food
for your tortoise?’
I am about to tell him to buzz off when I notice Minal sitting in the sandpit – how did he get there? He is listening to everything.
I can tell by his ears.
Minal says, ‘We don’t have a tortoise – do we?’
I say, ‘No.’
Robert Granger says,
‘Is it for your rabbit?’
I say, ‘No.’
He says, ‘Because if it’s for a rabbit
they like cabbage –
not food out of tins.’
I say, ‘It isn’t for a rabbit.’
Minal says, ‘I don’t like rabbits – they bite.’
Robert Granger says,
‘My rabbit doesn’t bite.’
I say, ‘Your rabbit isn’t even your rabbit – it’s just borrowed.’
He says, ‘It’s more than you’ve got.’
I say, ‘That’s what you think.’
And then I bite my lip because I’ve fallen into the trap of saying too much.
This is one of Ruby Redfort’s big dangers that she warns you about.
It’s her Rule 1:
KEEP IT ZIPPED.
Robert Granger says,
‘OH, you have
a dog?’
Minal says,
‘Do we have
a dog?’
I am wishing Robert Granger would go away or at least be more quieter – I don’t want Mrs Stampney to hear because then she will complain and the people will come and take the Clement’s dog away and I will never see him again and he won’t get anything to eat.
So I say, ‘Look, Robert Granger,
we don’t have a dog.’
Robert Granger says,
‘If you don’t have a dog,
then why are you taking
dog food into the shed?’
I say, ‘I’m not.’
He says, ‘You are. I can see the tin.’
And I say, ‘Umm.’
And Minal says,
‘That’s not dog food – that’s the
horrible sgahetti from last night.
I can tell by the green.’
And I say, ‘Exactly, Robert Granger. I am having spaghetti for breakfast in the shed.’
And Robert Granger says,
‘So are you pretending
to have a dog?’
I say, ‘Why would I pretend to feed a pretend dog pretend dog food?’
Robert Granger says,
‘Because you don’t have
a rabbit like me.’
I say, ‘I can’t be bothered to talk to you.’
He says,
‘If anyone wants to see an actual
rabbit, I’ve got one.’
Minal says, ‘I do.’
I say, ‘It’s only borrowed.’
Minal says, ‘I don’t care.’
And then he goes off to Robert Granger’s, which is fine with me because at least now
I can feed my
borrowed dog
in secret.
The dog seems to like the food and he eats it all and when he has finished he looks at me. I think he is wondering what we are going to do next. He’s making a strange noise and I wish I had learned how to speak Dog because it sounds like what he is telling me is important.
He looks at me with a desperate face and big eyes and suddenly I know because it’s the same with Minal. When my brother’s face looks all desperate with big eyes, we all know what it means.
He needs to go!
I don’t know that much about dogs but I do know you must scoop up afterwards, so I grab one of the garden bags
and I peep out of the shed
to see if anyone is out there.
Grandad is trampling about in the flowerbed
trying to stop our cat Fuzzy from
trampling about in the flowerbed.
Everyone else is not in the kitchen, so me and the dog make a run for it
through the house, out of the front door
and on to the pavement.
We just make it.
It is not that nice doing the scooping bit but if you want to have a dog then you have to get used to it. That’s what I’ve heard my aunt saying to my cousin Noah.
We walk up to the top of our street where the dog bin is and I am very relieved it is so near because no one wants to carry a bag of dog you-know-what for much longer than a minute.
Then we run back home.
It is already very scorching –
too scorching for a dog to be in the shed.
The only thing I can do is take him upstairs to my room. At least up here he will be far away from Chirp and Grandad’s room, which is all the way downstairs.
I decide to carry the dog because he’s not too heavy and I don’t want anyone to hear his claws tapping on the stairs – it’s just all the legs
that are difficult to manage – but
I get him the whole way up to my bedroom in one go.
He really likes my room. I can tell because he sniffs around and then he starts chewing Minal’s anteater top.
I am just teaching him how to fetch socks without eating them when I hear my brother coming up the stairs. Luckily I am a quick thinker and manage to pop the dog in the big cupboard. It’s a walk-into one, so there’s lots of room for air and breathing – I used to sit in there before I preferred the airing cupboard. It’s full of lots of old gubbins that I don’t really use any more – Mum is always saying I need to clean it out.
The dog starts straight away chewing an enormous-ish white cardigan, which is dangling off a shelf, and I quietly close the door.
When Minal comes in, I am pretending to sit on my bed when I in actual fact am trying to think of a distraction to get him to go away.
But then the phone rings and nobody is answering it, so I have to run down to get it.
I always like to answer the phone because you never know who it might be and it could be important or even an emergency.
It turns out to be just Mum and Dad calling to say they have safely arrived in wherever they have gone, and to say hello to everyone but they can’t talk now because they are late for wherever they are meant to be next and will call later when they have more time. I put down the phone and then at that exact second I hear
a very loud squealing sound.
When I run into my room,
my brother is running out.
It is hard to hear what he is saying because of the shrieking but it’s something like,
‘There’s a ghost
in the cupboard!
There’s a ghost
in the
cupboard!’
I am wondering why he thinks it is a ghost when it is an actual alive dog but when I open the cupboard door I can see what he means because the white cardigan has fallen on top of the dog and so it does look a bit like a moving-about ghost.
Although it has red buttons down the middle and ghosts do not.
While Minal is running downstairs to tell Grandad about the cupboard ghost, I decide to move the dog into the bathroom. The problem is when I try the door Marcie is in there and she shouts, ‘I’m in the bath!’ Then she shouts,
‘If that’s you, Clarice Bean, then
keep away from my roller skates
and keep away from me.’
She has not come off the boil and I don’t think she ever will.
Even with her shouting I can still hear Minal who is still squarking at Grandad. He sounds a bit like Chirp but less in tune.
He is saying, ‘You have to get it out of the cupboard.’
And Grandad says, ‘Righto, I’ll just get a glass and a piece of paper.’
And Minal is saying, ‘It’s much bigger than that.’
And Grandad says, ‘Don’t worry – this is a very large glass. We’ll soon pop him out of the window.’
Minal is saying, ‘You can’t put ghosts out of the window. They just come back.’
And Grandad says, ‘Oh, I thought you were talking about a spider.’
I am panicking slightly because I need to quickly hide the dog before Grandad comes up the stairs. I decide the best place to hide out is in Marcie’s room since she will be in the bath for ages. She always is.
We slip in and close the door and I say to the dog, ‘You need to keep it zipped.’ And he seems to understand.
By the time Grandad comes upstairs to prove to Minal that there is not a ghost in the cupboard, there is just a cardigan on the floor.
While I am waiting for them to go downstairs again and for the coast to be clear, the dog starts to get bored. It is hard to keep him quiet, so I have to let him chew Marcie’s make-up bag. While I am watching him, I am wondering what kind of name would suit him and would it be something to do with chewing?
I can hear Grandad using his sensible voice.
He only has one voice and it’s always sensible.
Luckily he is good at calming people down and he says,‘Let’s go out in the garden. I’ll fill up the paddling pool and you can dip your feet in it – it will take your mind off the ghost.
You know they don’t like water?’
Minal says, ‘What if it’s a mermaid ghost?’
And Grandad says, ‘Well, if it was a mermaid ghost, then how did it manage to get
upstairs into the cupboard?
Mermaids don’t have legs, you know.’
I am listening at the door, waiting for a chance to sneak back into my room, when I hear Marcie padding along in her bare feet.
Instantly me and the dog quickly scrabble under her bed. He doesn’t seem to mind at all. He looks happy to be hiding out.
Marcie walks in and I can see her feet stopped almost exactly in front of where we are lying.
She picks up her make-up bag and then straight away drops it.
And out loud she says,
‘Clarice Bean, you creep,
what have you done to my wash bag? Why is it all chewed?’
I think it is very unfair that she straight away thinks it is my fault. It could easily not be me.
I am frozen with fear and too panicked to move, which is lucky because I mustn’t make a twitch.
It’s something Ruby Redfort says:
Panic can freeze your brain,
which is what has happened to me.
But unfortunately the dog is not frozen in the brain with panic at all and he licks Marcie on the foot, which makes her scream.
Until she sees his nose poking out,
and she says in
a very quiet voice,
‘There is a dog under my bed.’
Which is the kind of thing
that doesn’t need saying
because it’s obvious.
I decide I might as well slither out because I can’t hide under here forever and also I’ve got pins and needles in my left or right leg – I can’t even tell which one it is any more because it is utterly numb to the bone.
Marcie has got her mouth open in that way people do when they are just about to shout something slightly rudely or surprisedly but nothing comes out.
Like in the cartoons.
She looks at me with her eyes gone big.
Then she says, ‘Where did it come from?’
And I say, ‘I think I might have wished him up.’
And she says, ‘What do you mean?’
So I say,
‘He just appeared and then he sort of started following me. It wasn’t my idea –
he came up with it on his own.’
