In Scientia, page 26
“This isn’t a game,” he said, tears brimming in his eyes.
I had no words. The image of him so vulnerable stripped my vocabulary of meaning. Instead, I stepped forward, getting close enough to touch him.
He flinched, almost retreating, but before he could, I placed my hand on his chest. My ice-cold fingers thawing against his skin.
He closed his eyes, inhaling the moment.
“Who did this to you?” I asked.
“The Sancti,” he said. “Guardians of the Holy. They enforce In Unio, the treaty of magic. Didn’t they tell you anything?”
I let my fingers trace his color bone.
He pulled back. “I’m sorry,” he said, buttoning his shirt. “This can’t happen.”
“What can’t happen?” I inquired, mostly earnest.
“Stop it. You’re not as interested in me as you think you are,” he grunted.
“Because you know me so much better than I know myself?”
He looked me dead in the eye. “I’m not some cool, interesting guy being coy or whatever. I’m… broken, okay? Damaged. I ruin anything I get near. You’re not missing out—”
“We’re all damaged, Max,” I said. “I don’t pretend to understand how yours feels, but it doesn’t scare me, so if you’re trying to push me away—”
“Your family gave you In Scientia,” he said. “That much I saw—”
“So you were there? I wasn’t sure if I’d imagined it.”
“Then you know that the families are forbidden from alliances, or interacting in any way. I’m from a different family to yours,” he said.
“Isn’t that a good thing?” I joked.
“You’re not listening. There isn’t a world where we could ever be together. The Sancti would never allow it, especially when it comes to me.” Pain scarred his face more than any branding iron ever could.
“We don’t have to broadcast it,” I offered as a suggestion.
“The Sancti are fanatics, incredibly adept at what they do. They have a hold on everything—from churches to politicians, in every corner of the globe. Nowhere is safe from them. Their network, their influence, it’s limitless.”
“Surely there are ways around it. My In Scientia—”
“You don’t get it, Eva. They killed my parents! My mom and my dad were from different families, and they thought they could hide it too. Instead they were murdered, right in front of my face.”
His words reverberated around the apartment, and right through my heart. I felt horrific.
“I’m so… sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t—”
“It’s not your fault. None of it is. It’s mine. I’m the one who should’ve known better. I’m the one who should have stayed away.” His voice trailed off, leaving stillness hanging in the air.
“So that’s it?” I asked, a lump forming in my throat. “I just leave and never see you again?”
“They’ll kill us both, Eva. And our families, if they ever caught us together. They’ve been waiting for the chance since I was born. In their eyes, I shouldn’t exist.”
“Well, thank God that you do,” I said, trying not to cry. Then I realized. “I’m putting you in danger being here, aren’t I?”
He looked heartbroken. “Believe it or not, I was trying to protect you by not contacting you.”
“It’s not like I made it easy” I said, embarrassment pummeling me. “I practically stalked you.”
“Practically?” He teased, before getting solemn. “I figured you’d lose interest.”
“I’m not that girl,” I said.
“I know.” He nodded. “Relentless.”
He fell silent again, and I knew it was time to leave.
I just needed to figure out how I was going to walk.
We stood staring at each other for what felt like hours, shadows from the setting sun our only marker of time. It seemed neither of us could say or do anything.
Then a question came to me, one that I knew would bug me if I didn’t ask it. “That day in the park… when you helped that man… why did you do it? When you had so much to lose?”
He paused.
“I wasn’t thinking, honestly. I… I was distracted by you, I guess. I could feel you watching me, then before I knew it I was trying to calm him down.”
“How?” I asked. “How do you do it?”
“By taking over his mind,” he confessed, sounding ashamed.
He looked like a little boy who’d been taught to hate the person he was, and it chipped away at my heart just that little bit more. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and somehow turn back time, to shield him from ever getting hurt.
“What a beautiful gift,” I said. “That you can help people in that way.”
“I wouldn’t know,” he replied, dismissing the thought. “I’ve only ever done it a handful of times. It’s not… who I am.”
“Of course it’s not. We’re not our actions, they don’t define us. They’re just something we do.”
“What do you mean? We’re exactly our actions.”
I almost giggled out of frustration. I couldn’t get enough of him.
“There must be something about it you don’t hate?”
He gazed off, trying to find a truthful answer.
“I don’t know… my mother’s powers were in illusion. She could make people believe good things had happened to them by implanting happy memories,” he finally said, his voice softening.
“That’s… incredible. How could you ever think of that as being bad?”
“She could also make them forget,” he said, his face turning dark.
“Every coin has two sides, but that doesn’t mean...” I felt myself trail off. “Wait, you can erase people’s memories?” I asked, the thought making my stomach drop.
“Yes,” he responded. Like he understood incorrectly, what I was about to ask.
“Don’t you ever do that to me,” I said, getting closer to him. “Promise me. No matter what happens. You won’t ever do that to me.” My voice was barely a whisper. I knew if I spoke too loud I would start to cry.
He struggled to respond.
“I promise,” he nodded.
“I mean it. I never, ever want to forget knowing you.”
My voice was breaking, telling me it was really time to go.
I got two paces away before I heard him call my name. “Eva?”
I didn’t want to look at him, but I knew I had to. The realization that it might be the last time I ever would, haunted every part of me.
Reluctantly, my eyes found his.
“Thank you. You made me feel something I’ve... only ever read about in books. Ones written centuries ago.”
“You blinked.”
“No. I most definitely did not.”
It was real, I thought. And it had been all along.
“Rare and fleeting,” I said, tears rolling down my cheeks. “Goodbye, Max.”
Knowing that if I didn’t leave then, I never would, I walked out of his apartment and into the elevator.
Every step felt like a mistake. As if I were getting farther and farther away from where I was meant to be.
I didn’t even bother hiding it, letting the barrage of tears flood my face. The sympathetic eyes of strangers, New Yorkers no less, cast over me in conciliatory glances. I knew I looked crazy, but I couldn’t have cared less.
It was close to midnight by the time I got back to Anderson, debilitated from a day of twists and turns, emotionally devoid, having lost the strength to feel anything.
Delilah appeared as I walked into the common room. She was holding my phone and hers. “Where have you been?!” She looked like she’d also been crying.
“What?” I asked, confused. I didn’t even know what day it was.
“I’ve been looking for you for hours. Dylan’s out searching the streets,” she said, looking horrified.
“Oh, sorry,” I mumbled.
“I almost called the police, Eva!”
“Well, I’m fine. I was saying goodbye to Ma—”
“Are you kidding me? You were out chasing that guy again?” she asked, infuriated. “You didn’t even take your phone.”
“What’s the big deal?” I shot back. “I was only gone for a few hours. Like, I appreciate the concern. I do, really. But I’m not a child,” I added, trying to stand up for myself.
It clearly was not the time.
“Got it,” she said. Hurt rippled across her face. She picked up her leather jacket from the sofa, and put it on. “I’ll remember that next time,” she said, heading toward the door. “My rehearsal went great by the way. Really appreciate you being there to support me.”
She slammed the door so hard, the echo of her disappointment lingered long after she left. I was frozen in shock, the realization of how badly I’d messed up almost too much to bear.
I ran after her, shouting down the stairwell. “Delilah, wait! I’m so sorry… wait!” But she was already gone.
I stood there, helpless. I’d selfishly hurt someone who’d shown me nothing but kindness, and I had no idea how to make it right. It felt like everything was falling apart. Like I was careening down the side of a cliff and no matter what I did, there wasn’t anything I could do to save myself or the people I cared about.
I was on the verge of returning inside when I heard footsteps hurrying up the stairs. Lifting my head I saw Dylan, his face flushed and sweaty, as if he’d been sprinting across half of Manhattan. Probably because he had.
His face brightened when he saw me.
“I’m so sorry!” I said. “I really, really didn’t mean to—”
“As long as you’re okay,” he interrupted sweetly. “That’s all that matters.”
“Thank you,” I replied, feeling insipid.
He stepped closer. “You are okay though, aren’t you?” he asked, tentatively.
“No. But it’s not your problem. At all. I’ll be fine,” I said, perhaps trying to convince myself.
The concern in his eyes made me feel even worse. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t who he thought I was, that I was a fraud, unworthy of anyone’s attention, especially his.
“Have you eaten?” he asked, the question surprising me. I hadn’t thought about food in what felt like days. “No,” I said, miserably. Trying not to cry. “But I’m not hungry.”
Naturally, he ignored me. “Come on, let’s order some Chinese.”
He ushered me back into the girl’s common room, where I laid on the couch in a quasi-state of catatonia. Dylan sat on the ground, with his back against me ordering food on his phone
“You really don’t have to stay,” I murmured. “I’m okay. If anything, you should go find Delilah and make sure she’s okay. I’m sure I’m the last person she wants to hear from.”
“She’s fine,” he replied, flashing his perfect smile. “I already checked. She’s with Katie.”
“Good,” I sighed, burying my face in my hands. “Uh, how am I ever going to fix this? It was so important to her, and I…” couldn’t stop myself from crying.
“Eva, it’ll be okay. People mess up. I think she was mostly just worried about you.”
“I know. That’s what makes it so bad.”
“Just apologize and everything will be back to normal. I don’t think D’s the type to hold a grudge.”
“I hope not,” I said meekly.
“She said you went to London?” he asked, a tone of surprise to his voice, but I could tell he was just trying to change the subject to take my mind off it. “When?”
“I got back yesterday,” I said. “I met my mother’s parents.”
If Delilah had already told him, he didn’t let on.
“Woah, that’s big. How was it?”
“Ummm…a lot?” I said, wondering how to articulate even the understandable parts.
“They must have been so proud,” he prodded. “Soon to be an Anderson grad.”
“It didn’t come up, actually,” I said. The idea of school, let alone graduating from it, felt so distant. “I might need to go back to Spring City,” I continued, trying to be pragmatic. “I don’t think I’m cut out for it.”
“That’s insane, no,” he exclaimed. “You’re not dropping out, Eva. You’ve worked so hard to get here.”
“It might not be my choice,” I said, recalling my meeting with McKenzie. “I think I’m going to fail Advanced Journalism. How’s that gonna look on my college applications?”
“So you write some creative essays about the learning process, going back to basics. About how life’s not about failing but growing from it, blah blah. Admissions committees eat that stuff up.”
“It’s not just that,” I admitted, deflated. “I’m gonna fail other subjects, too, I think. And I’m not sure I have the energy to be able to fix it.” I knew I sounded like I’d given up, but that’s because I had.
“Well then, I’ll help you. I can tutor you in whatever you need. You can pay me back in 10 years when I’m having a nervous breakdown doing my surgical residency.”
I let out a small laugh. I didn’t have the strength to fight him, so I tried to accept his kindness in the manner it was being offered.
Tears still escaped my eyes sporadically as I stared at him, contemplating how different life would be if he represented a different part of it.
He seemed to sense my thoughts. “I want you to know,” he said, “that I’m here as your friend ‘cause I care about you.”
Not quite the direction I thought he was heading in.
“I appreciate that,” I responded, the realization dawning on me that I’d turned him off me too, like I had everyone else in my life.
“But that doesn’t mean I’ve given up hope,” he said, dimples appearing at the side of his mouth. “Respectfully, I’m gonna hold onto that for a little while longer.”
I didn’t know what to say, or if there was even anything I could say. It was perhaps the right sentiment, just at the wrong time. I had to admire his resolve though. In a world of people always looking for something better, it felt impressive to be so decidedly chosen.
By the time the food arrived, I could barely keep my eyes open. But I knew if I didn’t eat I’d be awake within hours, starving.
I’d managed about three mouthfuls when Delilah burst in, panic stricken.
I sat up, placing my plate on the coffee table. “Delilah, I’m so sorry. I—”
“Stop, this is way bigger than us.” She held up her hands in surrender, a look of deep concern on her face. “Your grandma called. Your grandad’s been taken to the hospital.”
The words knocked the wind out of me.
“What happened?” I asked, fearing the worst. “Tell me he’s okay?”
I felt like a little girl again. A child, bouncing on my grandfather’s knee. Memories of him sneaking me chocolate before dinner. Always on my side. Always looking out for ‘his girls.’
“She doesn’t know. I told her I’d get you to call her on the way. I’ve got a cab waiting downstairs,” said Delilah, acting like my guardian angel.
I got up and headed straight to the door.
“Shoes, babe,” said Delilah.
“Sorry,” I mumbled, turning toward our room to get them. As I put them on and grabbed a coat, I saw In Scientia on my bed.
I paused, then picked it up, along with the necklace the Sinclairs had given me. I didn’t know how, but if there were a way to help my grandfather, even if it meant putting my life in danger, there wouldn’t be a choice to make.
I tucked the book under my jacket as I walked down the hallway, finding Delilah and Dylan talking in sympathetic whispers. They followed me downstairs to the taxi, where Dylan argued with the driver about taking us two and a half hours interstate. After multiple backs and forths, and a promise of a fifty-dollar tip, he finally relented and the three of us climbed into the backseat.
My hands shook as I tried to find my grandma’s contact in my phone. She picked up on the second ring.
“Eva?” she asked, her voice soaked with tears.
“Is he okay?”
“They’re saying he’s critical but stable right now,” she said, repeating what she’d been told. “I don’t really know what that means, but they seem to think it’s positive. They’ve just gotta figure out what’s wrong with him, cause they don’t right now and—”
“What do you mean they don’t know?” I interjected, frustration mounting.
“They’re doing everything they can, so there’s no point causing a fuss,” she said, her way of telling me not to arrive guns blazing. Then she broke down. “He’s had two seizures, Eva. And they’re saying at his age…” She couldn’t continue and neither could I. I’d never felt so helpless.
“We’re leaving the city now. I’ll be there as soon as I can,” I assured her, as we entered the Holland Tunnel. “I love you. We’ll figure it out,” I said. I just wasn’t sure I believed my own words.
Twenty-Five
Bells in Santa Fe
I tried to fall asleep in the taxi so I’d be doing anything other than thinking—after all, it was close to 2 A.M.—but every time I closed my eyes, I was jolted awake by different images of my grandfather. It was almost certainly guilt, I realized somewhere between New Jersey and Pennsylvania, the scenery morphing from laneways to dense foliage. The last words I’d said to my grandpa were “not now.” He’d been there for my first words in this world. I couldn’t let those be our last. If they were, I’d never forgive myself. My body went rigid at the thought.
I tried to push it from my mind as fast I could; this wasn’t about me or my feelings. It was about him. And it was about her’s. My adoring grandmother, who had loved everyone who came into her orbit unconditionally, including me.
I glanced over at Delilah and Dylan, who were asleep, leaning on each other, before I quietly pulled out In Scientia.
Using the light from my phone screen, I flicked from page to page, looking for anything to do with health or time, removing disease or reversing it. But most of the information concerned manipulating material and light, or transferring energy and transmuting vibration. It seemed that even In Scientia had its limits; the magic of the human body elusive, even to the members of In Unio.
