Quiet Types, page 16
He looked conflicted, not responding as an awkward moment ensued. Emer looked disappointed before she turned on her heel and left. I glanced at Shay, eyebrows raised. “So, that’s why you were so eager to leave.”
He shot me a look of apology for lying, and although I wasn’t exactly mad at him, I was concerned. Most people didn’t want to bump into their exes, sure, but Shay had made up a fake excuse instead of being upfront. It made me feel like there was something he wasn’t telling me, but I wasn’t confident enough to push him on it.
“Do you still want to go home, or …” He shook his head, his hand pressing to my lower back to indicate he didn’t want to leave. I was still full of questions, but without the air pods, we couldn’t talk easily. I headed inside and picked up a basket, grabbing a few essentials and covertly studying Shay all the while. He seemed to be in a contemplative mood, his expression drawn as he accompanied me around the supermarket.
The whole incident outside made me wonder if he still had unresolved feelings for Emer, if he really was over her as he claimed. He said his feelings changed completely after she cheated, but I knew firsthand love didn’t always work that way. Sometimes people could break your trust over and over, but your heart forgave them even when your brain knew you shouldn’t.
“Do you miss her?” I asked gently as we passed through the dairy aisle. The question was born of insecurity, I knew. There was a moment outside while Shay had been easily conversing with Emer where I wondered if it would ever be that easy for us. I was only just starting to tackle my literacy struggles, and I had no clue how long it might take to eventually learn sign language.
Shay frowned and shook his head, and even though he didn’t hesitate to answer, I still felt uneasy. What if I was being too hasty getting close to him, and it was all going to backfire?
What if I gave my heart to Shay, and he decided to get back together with Emer? He might’ve thought he was over her, but if the hopeful look in her eyes was anything to go by, she wasn’t fully over him.
These were the worries that filled my head for the rest of the evening. Shay insisted on carrying my groceries home, which I appreciated, even though my mood was withdrawn. We went back to my place, and I cooked us some spicy chicken thighs with rice. The atmosphere had shifted, though. I was concerned and starting to worry a lot, especially because he didn’t bring up Emer for the rest of the evening. He didn’t try to reassure me they truly were over for good, which was what I really needed to hear.
When he turned to kiss me as he was leaving, his lips met mine, careful and soft. He studied me intensely, and I wondered if he’d read my misgivings. Maybe I was overthinking the whole thing because he probably had no idea how much I was internally freaking out.
It was only about an hour after Shay left when someone buzzed on my doorbell. I frowned, wondering who it might be. No one ever really called to see me. Maybe Siobhan had locked herself out and needed me to open the front door. I went to the window and peered out, my eyebrows raising all the way up into my forehead when I saw Nigel standing outside talking to Bob and Siobhan.
What the hell?
I threw on my coat and some shoes, then stepped outside, full of questions. The chilly November air nipped at my cheeks.
“Maggie, look who decided to pay us another visit,” Siobhan declared wryly when I emerged.
I glanced at Nigel my brow furrowed. “What are you doing here?”
He ran a hand over his short hair and shot me what appeared to be a humble expression. “I came to apologise for my behaviour that night a few weeks ago. I was disruptive, aggressive and rude, and I can’t tell you how much I regret what I did.” He looked to Bob, then to Siobhan, and finally back to me. “Drink turns me into another person. I swear I’m not normally like that. I hope you can all forgive me.”
“Well,” Siobhan sniffed. “As apologies go, I suppose that’s a decent enough effort.”
“Yes,” Bob agreed. “Very big of you to come back and say sorry, lad. The drink has turned many a fine man into a demon over the years. Maybe this’ll be a lesson to avoid it going forward.”
Nigel nodded, and I wondered if he was actually considering giving up alcohol or if he just wanted to keep Bob happy. Neither of my neighbours had a clue Nigel was Shay’s best friend. In fact, they hadn’t even met Shay yet, and I hadn’t told them about him. I had a feeling Nigel was only here so he could mend his bridges with Shay, but I decided not to be too hard on him. It was decent of him to come and apologise in person.
“Thank you for apologising,” I said, then folded my arms.
A moment of somewhat awkward silence ensued before Nigel scratched his chin and said, “Right, well, I’d better be off. Thank you all for accepting my apology. I promise you won’t have any trouble from me again.”
Bob and Siobhan said goodbye to him and started heading inside. I frowned at his departing figure, then hurried to catch up with him. “Nigel,” I called out. “Wait a minute.”
He stopped and turned around, expectant. I blew out a breath and asked, “Did Shay put you up to this?”
He let out a mirthless chuckle. “It was that obvious, huh?”
“I had my suspicions.”
Nigel sighed and fiddled with the sleeve of his coat. “Shay suggested I say sorry in person, but he didn’t expressly tell me I had to do it. Coming here tonight was my decision in the end. He’s been ignoring me for over a week, and I just want my friend back.”
So, his motivations were mostly selfish. It didn’t surprise me. We all did things to benefit ourselves a lot of the time. The pain in his voice had guilt pinching at me, though. Shay obviously meant a lot to him, which was why I relented.
“I’m sorry for telling Shay about that night. Maybe I should’ve let you do it yourself, but you kind of forced my hand when you were rude to me at Sunday dinner.”
Nigel shoved his hands in his pockets and bit the inside of his cheek. “Yeah, that was immature of me. I shouldn’t have behaved like that.”
“We all have our moments. I’m prepared to look past it if you are?” I said, holding out my hand.
He glanced down at my outstretched fingers before mustering something close to a smile. “It’s a truce, then. I suppose it’s best if we get along, for Shay’s sake, if nothing else.”
“Agreed.”
“Right, well, see you around.”
He was about to turn to leave when I blurted, “Do you know Emer?”
Nigel arched one eyebrow, his lips pressing together before he replied, “Shay’s ex? Of course.”
“We bumped into her today. I know they’ve been broken up for a year, but I could see they have a connection. She can speak sign language and everything—”
“That’s because her brother is deaf. It’s not like she learned it just for him,” Nigel cut in. There was something odd about his tone, but I couldn’t say precisely.
“Oh,” I said, self-consciously tucking some hair behind my ear. “Well, since you’re his best friend, I was wondering if I could get your honest opinion?”
He folded his arms. “Sure.”
I met his gaze, swallowing thickly. “Do you think they’ll ever get back together?”
I braced myself as I waited for his answer. Nigel’s expression was tense, his eyes flicking to the road for a minute before they returned my way. “Honestly? I don’t know, but it’s a possibility. Emer was the love of Shay’s life, and he’s loyal to a fault. She doesn’t deserve another shot with him, but knowing my friend, I couldn’t say it isn’t in him to give her one at some point.”
There was a note of dejection in his voice, but I didn’t have time to ponder it because a wave of pain crashed over me. His answer wasn’t what I wanted to hear. But I needed to hear it. I needed to be ready for the possibility that whatever was between Shay and me could abruptly end. I shouldn’t be letting my feelings grow so freely when they might be shattered at any point. I needed to make the decision to protect myself instead of leaving things up to chance.
“Thank you for being honest with me.”
“Look, just because there’s a small chance he’ll go back to her, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t explore something with him,” Nigel said, seeming to realise he might’ve been a bit too honest with me. “I saw how Shay looked at you at dinner that day. He really likes you, Maggie.”
Right, but that was the problem. Even if Shay really liked me, it didn’t mean I could rival what he felt for his ex.
“Thank you. That’s kind of you to say. Goodbye, Nigel.”
“Bye, Maggie,” he replied, casting me a slightly worried glance before I turned and walked back to my flat.
All night, I tossed and turned, conflicted over what to do about Shay. Either I took the risk of developing even more feelings for him, or I put a stop to things and went back to being just friends. Bus companions. I managed only a few hours of broken sleep and woke up the next morning feeling worse for wear.
After showering and getting dressed for work, the buzzer to my apartment went. I peered out the window, blinking when I spotted Shay outside with two coffee cups in hand. My heart did a somersault while my stomach dipped, two opposing reactions. It perfectly summed up how torn I was.
Quickly pulling on a cardigan, I went to let him inside. “Hi,” I breathed, taking him in. His coat was buttoned up to his chin, and he wore a black beanie hat that really suited him. The dark colour brought out his eyes. He lifted the cups, his expression questioning, and I stepped aside. “Please, come in.”
Shay moved past me, his eyes on mine as he entered through the narrow doorway, our chests almost brushing. I closed the door, slid over the lock and went back inside my flat. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was still early. I didn’t have to leave for the bus for another thirty minutes.
“Is everything okay?” I asked just as he pulled out a small brown paper bag and set it on the table along with the drinks. I could smell the rich aroma of coffee and whatever buttery pastries were inside the bag, knowing he’d gotten them from the place around the corner. My mouth watered as he patted the space beside him on my small couch and started to unbutton his coat before removing his hat.
“You brought me breakfast?” I asked, and he nodded, smiling gently. “Thank you. That was very thoughtful of you.”
Sitting, I picked up the coffee and took a sip. It wasn’t often I got to treat myself to takeaway coffee, so I tried to savour it, even though I was still nervous about why he’d come. My mind concocted all sorts of horrible ideas. Like what if he and Emer got texting last night and decided to give things another go? Or what if he couldn’t stop thinking about her all night after running into her?
Shay removed a croissant and placed it on a napkin before putting it down next to my coffee. There was something touching about the way he silently served me. We ate in quiet for a moment before he pulled out his phone. Anxiety thrummed through me because I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear whatever he’d come here so early to talk about.
Still, I took another fortifying sip of coffee while Shay began to type.
“Nigel called me late last night. He said the two of you spoke.”
There was a question in his eyes as I cleared my throat. “Yes, he came to apologize for what happened that night. He admitted you were the one who suggested it. My neighbours, Bob and Siobhan, seemed to appreciate him coming to say sorry in person.”
Shay pressed his lips together, nodding at my response as he glanced down at his phone, almost like he was deciding how to word what he wanted to say next.
Finally, he typed, “He also mentioned you asked about Emer.”
A bite of croissant got stuck in my throat. I had to work hard to push it down before I answered, “Yes, I, um …” I trailed off, feeling flustered. Shay placed his hand on top of mine, and I blinked up at him. His eyes were full of sincerity, and a long moment passed before he returned to typing, “I’m never getting back with her, Maggie. Never. The possibility is less than zero.”
Oh, God. Nigel must’ve told him how pathetic I seemed last night when I asked about her. I felt like dying of embarrassment. Now Shay knew how terribly insecure I was.
“How can you be so certain?” I practically whispered.
“Because I know my own mind. I didn’t want to bump into her yesterday because she’s the kind of person who’ll ask to be friends, and I have no interest in any kind of relationship with her anymore. I knew that if I told her this, she’d get upset, possibly make a scene, and I wanted to avoid all that. When we spoke in sign language, she suggested we meet up for lunch someday, and I told her no. She tried pushing the issue when she told me not to be a stranger, and she knew by my lack of response I have every intention of continuing to be one. That’s why she looked so disappointed when she left.”
“I had no idea,” I breathed.
“I should’ve said all this last night as soon as we got back here. That was my mistake, but I’m saying it now. She’s out of my life, Maggie. She’s out of it for good. You have to know I’ve never felt for anyone how I feel for you. I want you all the time. You’re the only person I’m thinking about, and I wish you’d believe me because I won’t let you convince yourself of something that simply isn’t true.”
I stared at him, lost for words. His fervent reassurance caused a pleasant warmth to rush through me as I shifted closer, our knees touching. “Thank you for saying all that. I’m sorry for being such an insecure mess. I’m just terrified of having my heart broken. It’s why I’ve been alone for so long.”
“But you let me in.”
“I did,” I breathed.
Several moments of quiet passed before he typed, “Have things been moving too fast for you? Because we can slow down.”
His offer made my heart lift, some of the heaviness that had been weighing down my emotions eased significantly. Maybe that was what we needed, to slow things down so I didn’t feel so panicked about how much closer we’d been getting. But at the same time, I didn’t want him to pull back. I didn’t want to see him any less often than I did now.
“I still want to spend time with you, though. I mean, the same amount of time. I’ll miss you if …”
“We can still spend time together.” There was a pause as a smile tugged at one corner of his mouth. “Just with less of the heavy petting.”
As soon as he typed it, my whole face flared with heat. I needed to get a grip. I was a thirty-one-year-old woman. I shouldn’t be getting shy over him mentioning what we’d done in my bed. My bed that was currently only a few feet away.
“That sounds like a good plan,” I said, then took a long gulp of coffee. Thankfully, it had cooled down enough it didn’t burn my throat.
Shay was still looking at me, his smile growing larger by the second. “You’re fucking beautiful, do you know that?”
I blinked, wondering if my ears were deceiving me, mainly because Shay rarely swore. The way he was looking at me stole my breath. “You’re not so bad yourself,” I said and focused back on my breakfast. I felt him push my hair over my shoulder.
“It’s going to be hard not touching you,” he typed, and I could practically hear the longing in his words. I ate the last of my croissant, too full of butterflies to respond.
***
Two weeks went by, and we fell into an easy rhythm. We sat together on the bus each day and continued getting to know one another. I hadn’t attended Sunday dinner again, but that was because the Connollys had wanted me to work an extra day to help prepare for some family members who were coming to visit. And the Sunday after that, I’d promised Vivi I’d bring her to buy some new shoes for school.
I continued attending my literacy class, which I was finding incredibly challenging, but I was determined to stick it out. It was one of the toughest things I’d ever done, and though it was way out of my comfort zone, I was determined to keep attending and improving my reading and writing. I hated when I got things wrong, and my brain kept telling me I should quit and go back to how things were, but I refused. I tried to focus on the positives. It was nice to meet the other people in the class and see I wasn’t alone. There were students of all ages there, many a lot older than me, which was reassuring.
I still hadn’t decided whether to accept Jonathan Oaks’ job offer. He’d texted me that morning to say I had three more days to consider it before he moved on to other candidates. I just kept replaying what Rhys had said about him being a nightmare boss, and I wasn’t sure if the pay increase was going to be worth the added stress.
It was the night of Mrs Reynold’s party, and her husband had no idea she’d been planning it. Well, I hoped he really didn’t know because I suspected if he didn’t act sufficiently gobsmacked and delighted when he got home tonight, she was going to blow a gasket. All the planning was clearly starting to get to her. I’d already witnessed her have a screaming match with one of the caterers. I was going out of my way to be as quiet and unnoticeable as possible to avoid facing her wrath.
I felt like a tiny dormouse scurrying from room to room just hoping not to be squished under anyone’s foot.
Today was Saturday, so I hadn’t seen Shay since he’d walked me home yesterday after the bus. We’d been spending the same amount of time together, but without the touching. I didn’t expect to miss it so much.
I missed his kisses most of all.
But slowing things down was good. That way, there was less chance of me freaking out and pushing him away because of some catastrophic possibility my brain conjured up.
I’d arrived at Mrs Reynolds’ house hours ago, making sure the kitchen and all the bathrooms were spotless, and helping with some of the decorating. The party guests had just started to arrive, and my job was to clean up spills and collect any empty glasses or plates left about. I wore black trousers and a black blouse to fit in with the servers, my hair fashioned in a neat bun. I’d initially had it in an equally neat ponytail, but Mrs Reynolds insisted I redo it into a bun because it would look classier.
It was a good thing I kept spare hair pins in my bag.
