Gutsy, page 3
Guilt kicked up, sinking into the pit of my stomach, when he finally disappeared into a crowd that spilled out of a different club. I jolted as a man singing a song I vaguely recognized from the radio bumped into me, then apologized while laughing, but I didn’t look at him. I could have been far more diplomatic with Pious if I’d tried, but of course, I hadn’t made the attempt. He seemed extremely nice—and also well out of touch with reality.
Who waited for sex? What teen drama had he escaped from? Were there even Christian gays? I supposed that was a ridiculous question, there must be, but I’d never considered it. He kept talking about God and wanted to get to know me. I sighed, and yet more regrets assailed me. It had been months since I’d approached the small altar I kept in my room for puja—daily offerings and prayer—and I rolled my eyes at myself for even thinking about it. Ganesha, the elephant-headed god, had my father’s gifts to keep him happy, and I had the altar to keep my father happy, not some dusty old bull.
I cupped the small piece of folk art Pious had made in my hand. It wasn’t that impressive, all things considered, but the tiny circle of wood was beautifully crafted and painted, and the piece would have taken someone a while to create. I had trouble imagining how small the brush would’ve needed to be to fashion the miniscule hammer in the center surrounded by blue birds, not to mention the detailed design of red tulips along the edge. I justified to myself that Pious’s. . . whatever this thing happened to be, was unique, as I stuffed it into my own pocket. The wind sliced through my clothes and gave me the shivers, so I turned to go back inside with a strong breeze at my back, pushing me along.
Ced, who was working the door, nodded at me and let me through with a wink. He was a powerhouse of a man with enough muscles to put an Olympic athlete to shame, a shaved head, and bright gray eyes like storm clouds. Attractive, to say the least, but I’d had my fill of men for the night. “You strike out?”
“Oh no,” I said with a laugh. “I’m good.”
“If you change your mind, come back here later.” He licked his lips and slid his gaze down my body, which was about as crass and straightforward as it could get. Maybe I should’ve tried harder to chase after Pious. I’d taken Ced home once or twice when things were dull, and he was nice for some quick relief, but he had the finesse of a rhino when it came to anything that wasn’t drilling his cock in a hole. I gave him a smile anyway, because I didn’t like to burn bridges, and made my way through the crowd.
I had to use my elbows to get past the people lining the bar and got a few unhappy glances, but it was worth it when I was at Noble’s side. The boy was quite a bit shorter than me and handsome. When we’d first met I’d thought maybe we could be more than friends, but he was too sweet for the kind of relationship I usually started. His wavy honey-brown hair parted in the middle, giving him a boyish look. An eyepatch had been settled over his right eye and made him seem a tad dangerous, something he’d never accomplished in the past. His pouty mouth turned up in a smile when he saw me, and his blue eye crinkled near the corner with his happiness. I couldn’t help but notice he had his “unhelpful hand,” as he liked to call it—the left one—hidden beneath the bar. He’d been born with a club hand and often went out of his way to keep it out of sight, although after he’d lost his eye to a serial killer, he seemed to care a little less about the hand. Perspective and all that, I supposed. Right next to him, as expected, was his new boyfriend, Sage.
“There you are!” Noble was quick to throw his good arm around me. I inhaled his homey scent, earthy and sweet, and gently hugged him back. A sense of fear, quickly followed by relief, washed over me, the same as it had each time I’d seen him since he was recovered by the police. I’d convinced myself he was dead when he was kidnapped by his psychopathic ex. He was one of the few people who understood me, and I never wanted to lose him as a friend. I brushed a hand over the top of his head and turned to Sage with my other hand out. Even shorter than Noble, he was trim, blond, and drop-dead gorgeous, so although they had gotten together quickly, I could hardly blame my friend on that front.
Sage gave me a smug grin, and we shook. I couldn’t quite work the man out—some days he was full of nerdy jokes, and others he was a smarmy, obnoxious asshole.
“What happened to the guy you were with?” Noble asked. He picked up a tumbler from the bar and handed it to me.
I took the drink and sipped, stalling for time. “Mm. Whiskey Mac? Are you trying to butter me up?” The sharp taste of ginger hit my taste buds and I sighed happily.
He grinned. “They were out of premade Long Islands by the time I got here, and I wasn’t paying twenty dollars for the prepared ones.”
I shrugged. “You could have started a tab. I’d have picked it up, gorgeous.”
Sage watched me in a calm, steady way I found unnerving. “Are you okay? That lumber-jacked broski didn’t try anything, did he? You’re acting weird.” He craned his neck to stare off toward the entrance, as if he was large or mean enough to do anything about someone treating me poorly. He scowled, and I only shook my head because the boy was as threatening as a golden retriever in a pink bow.
“He was tasty, but also a clinger, I’d wager. Perhaps that isn’t the right word, but I wanted to go home for a shag, and he wanted to wait like we were in Victorian England and weren’t friends with Oscar Wilde. What for? There’s no point in all that.” I rolled my eyes and slugged back some of my drink. As the whiskey burned down to my stomach I felt a lot like a jerk, but I was on a roll and my cock was still half hard and very unsatisfied.
Pious had been lovely, though.
Tetchy didn’t begin to describe my mood.
“That sounds sweet,” Noble said. His soft smile made guilt churn in my belly. “You know, I never used to do things like this, come out to clubs.” He leaned against Sage, who was quick to slide his arm around Noble’s waist. “I accepted your invitation because Sage thought it would be fun. Sometimes we do different things for people we like.” He sounded a bit as if he was giving me a sermon, but all in all, he wasn’t wrong. Noble’d had a big trauma recently, and then he’d met Sage and adjusted his life around him at breakneck speed. Perhaps he understood Pious better than I did.
“It’s just not for me,” I grumbled.
Sage shook his head. “You’ve got the right idea. You gotta bang first or you don’t know if you’re good together. Your dick doesn’t lie.”
Noble gave his boyfriend the nastiest look he was capable of, which wasn’t much. “You two are exactly why people can’t have nice things. You liked him or wouldn’t have offered to take him to your apartment.”
My hackles rose and I hid behind my glass as I drained it, but Noble’s remaining blue eye trained on my face, and he didn’t let me get away with avoiding the conversation. “Pious is some scientist farmer from out of town.”
Sage mouthed “scientist farmer,” his cute button nose scrunching up, and then he glanced at Noble as if to make sure he’d heard me right. “That’s a thing?”
“He develops crops to withstand disasters. Apparently there’s beaucoup bucks in it.”
Noble’s condescending smile made me want to shove him off his stool. “Let me get this right.” He shifted closer to me because the music managed to get louder, somehow, as a new song with a fuck-me beat came on. “The man is built, smart, useful in a dystopian future situation, sexy enough you were ready to take him to bed, and he wanted to get to know you? What a terrible person.” He shook his head and looked far too self-righteous for my liking.
“He. Lives. On. A. Farm.” I lifted my foot and showed off my Ferragamos. “These do not go near mud.”
Noble took out his phone and showcased it like he had his own unboxing show on YouTube. “You can use these for more than browsing porn, you know.”
Groaning, I hung my head. “Fine. I’m the asshole. It’s done now, I’ll never see him again.”
Sage had an expression on his face like he was confused and stared at me. I swore the creepy weirdo was sniffing in my direction, too. I’d have to consult with Noble whether he really should have let this man move in with him so quickly.
“What?” I demanded.
“You seem different. Maybe the blue balls are—” He waved a hand around. “—muddying your aura—that’s not a thing. Don’t tell him that,” he snapped, rapid-fire, almost like he was talking to himself. It was the oddest quirk and made me uncomfortable. Noble’s last boyfriend was a literal murderer, and I very much hoped he hadn’t picked out another one.
“Okay then, keep being rude.” I slung my arm over Noble’s shoulders. “I’m going to steal your boyfriend in retaliation.”
Sage crossed his arms and had the cutest little pout to go with the infuriated gleam in his eyes. I’d never seen this fiery side of him and flipped off fate by blowing him a kiss. His eyes narrowed.
Noble laughed and planted his mouth over Sage’s lips, which had them both looking dopey when they broke apart.
“Ha! I’m going!” I said, snagging Noble’s hand and tugging him off his stool, out toward the middle of the dance floor where I’d been grinding with Pious.
When I found a good spot that wasn’t too hemmed in with inebriated people being too liberal with their limbs, Noble slipped a friendly hand up and around to cup the back of my neck and rubbed at the tense muscles there. “You liked the man.” The blue and pink lights overhead flashed and made his black eyepatch gleam with a reflected rainbow.
“I wanted him to fuck me. Maybe switch it around and do him, I’m not picky.”
He stared, gaze full of gentle chastisement. The absolute wretch.
“Fine, he intrigued me.” I arched my neck, and he used his clever fingers to tease the pain out of my body. I hadn’t realized I was so keyed up until just now. We weren’t dancing, only standing together, but that was fine. I needed this time to recenter.
“Call him? Apologize? Was he leaving the city tonight?”
“I think Pious would be around, but there’s one flaw in your plan.”
He lifted his brows in my direction. “What’s that?”
“No number.”
His fingers squeezed too hard, and I grunted. “Come on. You brought him here and didn’t have his number? Or his name on an app?”
I raised my eyes toward the ceiling, staring at the flashing lights overhead until my brain felt fuzzy. “Let me forget my shame. Dance with me.”
He laughed and moved his feet in a way he liked to pretend he didn’t know how to do, and after a minute, Sage wrapped his arms around both of us. I didn’t know him well, but he made Noble smile after the hell he’d been through, so I made peace with the situation.
“I’ve got the two hottest guys in here,” he said, chest puffing up as he glanced around, and even I had to laugh. We had a good time. Noble never drank much when he came out, so I left the club at the reasonable hour of 1:30 a.m. and doubted I would even have a hangover in the morning.
It was almost obscene.
“I’m hungry,” I announced as we stumbled into the cold night with our arms around one another. “I’m that special sorta drunk where I am a better driver, not a dangerous one.”
“We’re getting a cab,” Noble said with a glare.
“Fine.” I sighed because I was certain I would have gotten us home in one piece.
“I could make us burgers!” Sage bounced on his toes and gave us a cheeky grin. “I rediscovered my love of cooking.”
“Rediscovered?” I asked and tried not to frown. He was quite odd.
His pale cheeks pinked up and he cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah. I forgot I liked to do it.” He squinted at the dazzling points of snow that drifted down to settle on us and scratched the back of his head.
Noble hugged Sage tight until he was forced to drop his head to Noble’s chest. “And you do it really well.”
“You’re lucky you’re adorable, Sage. You’re a peculiar fellow.”
Sage flipped me off, and I laughed as we moved off together to go in search of a ride.
Less than an hour later I was wrapped up in a blanket—one took such things and didn’t ask questions when a tipsy Noble handed them to you—at the small kitchen table in Sage and Noble’s love nest with the steamy warmth of cooking food filling the air. Noble’s apartment was stark and depressing, as I’d told him before, but he wouldn’t let me buy anything for him. Now that Sage was here there were homier touches, like a gleaming bronze kettle on the stove and art on the walls, which were much-needed improvements.
“Hot and ready,” Sage said with a nervous quirk of his lips as he settled a burger and fries in front of me, and with a little swish, he put an identical plate on the table for Noble. My stomach growled and I ignored their quiet flirting. I couldn’t argue with anything about the food—the bun looked light as a cloud, the meat seemed to be perfectly done, and the fatty scent was a delightful tease as I leaned forward and pulled a deep breath into my lungs.
Noble had already picked up his burger and bitten into it, so I rushed to do the same. I moaned at the first taste and raced through eating, almost choking at certain points, and someone put a glass of water in front of me, which I drained. My stomach gave a hunger pang, though, even as I sucked the burger juices off my thumb. I went for the fries next, and Noble shoved his plate in front of me when I glanced up from my empty one, still ravenous. At the end of the meal I’d polished off two more burgers and still didn’t feel satisfied. My stomach was so full a small food belly pushed out my middle and my belt dug into my skin. Shrugging, I glanced up, and they both stared at me with their eyebrows raised. Uneasily, I rubbed at my abdomen and felt how hard it was.
“Uh, I guess I was hungry?” This had to be something weird from drinking the whiskey earlier. I’d never felt so empty. “I’m a growing boy?”
Sage shook his head and his blond hair gleamed as he shifted. “Do you eat like that often?”
“Er, I can’t say I do.”
Noble snickered and patted my shoulder. “It’s okay. Do you want to sleep on the couch?”
“No.”
My face heated and I felt awkward all of a sudden. I stood and gave him a hug. Noble was warm and friendly in my arms, as always, and Sage blasted me with such a snotty, jealous pout I went around the table to give him one, too, and held on until he was pushing me off and blushing. When I stepped away, he seemed disgruntled, so my work was clearly done here.
The ride home in a dirty taxi was uncomfortable, the seat belt pressed against my stomach and hurting. I’d clearly overeaten, but I still felt like I needed more food. The hunger that had struck me earlier hadn’t gone away at all. It was the strangest thing. I was so grateful to arrive at my building that I tipped the cabbie a hundred dollars, and he gave me a cheery “thank you!” I waved but didn’t look back, making quickly for the front door. I glanced up at the tall, skinny building with decorative gray cornice molding. There were very few people awake, going by the golden glow in only three narrow windows, and it made the loneliness pulling on me worse.
“Mr. Baral,” the man at the door said as he opened it for me, but I barely spared him a nod as I strode inside out of the cold.
During the elevator ride to my apartment, I mulled over the situation. “Maybe I’m tired,” I said aloud, though no one was around to hear.
Once in my place with the door locked—this was still Vanheim, even if there was a security man downstairs—I slipped through the dark living room and didn’t bother turning on the lights. I took a quick shower and rubbed at my stomach, willing it to stop hurting, and on the way out of the bathroom I stopped to stare at myself in the mirror. My hair was in curls because that always happened if I didn’t style them out, which I quite often did, and my black chest hair was fluffy. I gave myself an inspection. I looked okay. Why hadn’t Pious simply agreed to come home with me? Frowning, I leaned toward the mirror.
I wasn’t certain, but it seemed like there was a green cast to my skin. Eyeing the bulbs over the sink, I shrugged. “Must be a trick of the light. And talking to myself is my cue to get to sleep.” Laughing, I flipped off the light switch and went out into my bedroom. All at once I remembered the little piece of folk art Pious had dropped, and I went to fish it out of my pants pocket. I turned it over and over in my hands, just as delighted with it as I had been earlier.
I liked the feel of it.
I liked the look of it.
I wanted to keep it.
Glancing around, a paranoia crept over me. I wanted to put it someplace safe. In the corner of my room I kept an altar for Ganesha on a low table, and I went over there. I wrapped the leather around the rock, then tucked the only remembrance I had of Pious between a stone fold of Ganesha’s pants and his knee, which worked well. The god had a hand held out to stop bad luck and evildoers, which made me happier than it ever had in the past. The trinket was both hidden and in plain sight. I could see it from my bed if I left the light on, and it was somewhere. . . sacred. The idea appealed to me. Shrugging, I lit incense, which I hadn’t done in forever, and went over to stare at my bed as a musky cloud of nag champa swirled into the air. I touched my stomach. It was definitely full, but hunger gnawed at my insides.
“So strange,” I murmured, turning toward the kitchen to get a snack.
3
JOURNEY
I sighed as I stared at my parents’ house, shivering as a cold wind blew underneath my trench coat and ruffled it around my thighs. No one could argue the view was anything except picturesque with the snow dancing down from thick gray clouds overhead, illuminated underneath by Vanheim’s lights. Nothing was dark in the city during the winter, and the gentle snow glow made me feel safe.
My childhood home was a sprawling brick Colonial, which Mum and Dad had bought when we first moved to the country from England when I was ten. Dad had wanted to be in America because he was in love with John Wayne and the man who did the Die Hard movies and thought everything here was so much better than Gateshead. He’d uprooted the whole family without asking, but that was how he did things. He was the man of the house, and we were there to puff up his pride and make him look good, but we loved him, so we played our parts. I shook my head at the absurdity of life and held my gut as it grumbled.
