Gutsy, page 24
Everyone was scared of me, and I didn’t blame them one bit. Who would be able to close their eyes with a monster breathing down their neck?
I’d been lonely before, but this was hell.
My sisters didn’t come around, and I wasn’t sure what lie Esau had spun to manage to get that to stick, but maybe he’d simply told the truth. I wasn’t sure what they believed, and no one had called me asking for confirmation. No one had called asking for a healing, either, and I was glad because it wouldn’t work right now. There was no way I could connect to God like this.
The cops had been out here off and on, but as far as I knew the investigation had been written off as animal attacks, and I hoped it stayed that way. I would accept punishment for my crimes, but the second they took the necklace off me I suspected I would be out of control again, would kill too many people before they realized their mistake.
I dragged the pillow closer and ached inside. My stomach always felt empty, and I’d been learning to live with that, but the piece of me that wanted Journey here in my arms never stopped hurting, like a knife still wedged deep in a wound.
Sometimes it felt as if the hurt in my chest was so huge it wasn’t only my own. It was deeper than a well and didn’t seem to have an end.
Allowing myself a few more minutes of wallowing, I inhaled deeply, but the smell of Journey was so faded I could barely catch a whiff of his cologne. It had been nearly a month and a half since I’d driven him off, and I spent a few more minutes imagining him somewhere—maybe at school. He would pay attention and take careful notes.
Or maybe at his job. He’d mentioned doing charity work, which had surprised me. . . but not really. I thought he was a good person at heart. I held on to the sweet images of Journey in my mind as I robotically moved through my day. Journey smiling. Journey at Oma’s kitchen table. Journey in my bed with his legs spread for me. I’d never seen him completely healthy and well except for that last day in the hospital, and he’d practically glowed. He’d looked so good it almost hurt to see him. At that moment I’d known he needed to go. I’d stolen something so much worse from him than I’d ever guessed by saddling him with the hex. I’d weighed him down and made his life hell.
How could he still love me the way he’d said?
Yes, I’d made the most responsible decision; it still hurt.
The day wore on. I saw to all the chores, took care of the animals. The horses wouldn’t let me pet them, so today I finally made the call to have them taken to the Glodfelter farm, where they would do more good. I didn’t enjoy the lunch I made—I measured things out these days because there was no use in wasting food. I’d never be satisfied, so I ate enough to keep me going and ignored the hunger pangs, even when they lingered after I was finished with my meal.
The sun had set, and it was nearly nine o’clock when I dragged myself into the house to find Esau sitting at the kitchen table eating a sandwich. He was dirty from head to foot, and I didn’t know what he’d been doing and didn’t bother asking. Nothing much mattered to me anymore, and it scared me, but I didn’t know how to connect with the world. All I seemed to do was miss Journey and fight for each minute of the day I kept upright and didn’t give up.
It was exhausting.
When Esau was done eating, he unwrapped a package on the table. My heart froze; it was clearly meant to be a replacement for the bulkier rope-and-stone necklace wrapped around my neck. The material was the same, but it was more tightly woven and appeared more decorative.
“We’re switching that out. I’m gonna put this one on you and then cut the other one off.” He smiled, tiny lines crinkling around his dark blue eyes. He was looking healthier, too, and I had to wonder if Amos had something to do with it. His face was fuller. “You’re going to have to get out of here sometimes, and people are going to have to come work the farm or the planting is never going to happen. This will help.”
“No.”
“Yes,” he said with steel in his voice. “Oma helped me make it.”
We stared each other down, and I sighed. “Get the gun.”
He nodded and left the house, only to come back with the same rifle that had shot me. We’d explained we were out searching for the animal that had killed Eduard, and in the dark I’d taken a hit. Everyone at the hospital had been in such an uproar over the dead men that no one had bothered to ask why I’d arrived mostly naked, and I’d even had a lie about falling in a stream ready to go. It had all been written off as an accident given the circumstances, but I still shuddered when I saw the gleam of the metal barrel under the overhead light in the kitchen.
It turned out I was nervous about nothing, and the transfer went smoothly. After the replacement necklace was firmly tied, Esau cut off the old one. The stones on the new one were polished and glowed like gems, and the weave of the rope looked like something I could buy in a store.
He tugged on the necklace. “It’s secure.”
Nodding, I tucked it under my shirt.
We had nothing much to say to each other, and that burned. He pursed his lips and looked toward the front door, and I knew what was eating him. The same thing was bugging me, only I didn’t have a chance to get wrapped up in warm arms. “You should go to Oma’s, spend time with Amos.”
His face went pink, but he didn’t deny his plans for the night. “I’ll be back in the morning.”
I shrugged. “I’ll get up earlier. Don’t kill yourself getting here too soon.”
“You’re already getting up early.” Esau dodged down to hug me, then jumped back, and I wanted to laugh, but I’d put that fear in him and it wasn’t funny. “How much more can you knock yourself into the dirt?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged. It didn’t matter anymore.
“You can’t kill yourself this way. I’m going to fix this.” He picked up the old necklace and let it clink to the table, as if that proved some point. Maybe it did because he’d come up with our current solution to my “problem.”
Staring at him, my jaw ticked and I rubbed at it. “What happened to us doing it? Why’s it just you now? You already put off going back for your master’s degree because of all the bullshit here that started when Journey arrived. You made that decision without talking to me, but what sort of brother would I be if I let you ignore the rest of your life because of my mess?”
“I will do what I want for my family. You’re not trying to fix anything.”
Hanging my head, I sighed. He wasn’t wrong.
He slammed a hand on the table, and I jumped. “I’m not watching you kill yourself.” He glared.
“Then don’t. Go. Besides, it’s just work. It hasn’t done me in yet.”
He gathered the rifle and muttered as he left. I sat in one spot at the table for a long time, exhausted beyond thought, but after a while the house seemed too quiet, and I went out to the porch. It was too early for the peepers, so the night was still. The air was cool but not freezing, and I sat on the front steps and ended my day the same way I’d started it: wondering what Journey was doing. Imagining nice things for him. Wishing I hadn’t been so selfish to begin with. It made my heart ache, but I couldn’t make myself stop. Maybe if I ever did manage to erase Journey from my mind, I would go curl up somewhere and let the hunger pangs have what was left of my sanity. Groaning, I rubbed my face.
“Or maybe I just need sleep to shake off these morbid thoughts.”
The sound of a car coming toward the house and headlights cutting through the darkness had me sitting up straighter. I tensed at the intrusion. No one visited anymore. The car stopped near me in the drive, and I lurched to my feet. The door opened and a familiar smell hit me, one that was all Journey, and my knees nearly buckled. Ever since I’d been. . . more animal than man, my sense of smell had become sensitive, and I knew he was inside. My body quivered with the desire to go to him. I stooped to peer in and tried to catch a glimpse of his face.
The engine cut, and Journey got out, closing his door, and I sighed as he walked around the bumper and the porch light illuminated him. His hair gleamed, black and beautiful, and his tawny skin had the healthy glow from when we’d first met. His copper eyes were clear and bright. Was there ever a better sight than him? His jeans clung to his thigh muscles, and the white V-neck sweater he’d thrown over a simple black T-shirt made him look like a dream.
“Is something wrong?” I asked. That was the only reason I figured he would’ve come back. I couldn’t take it, I stormed toward him, and he gasped when I wrapped him up in my arms and dragged him against my chest. I buried my nose in his hair and sighed happily. “Are you really here?” His heat and warmth were exactly like the fantasies I had at night as I was falling asleep.
“Yes, something is wrong, you silly beast,” he snarked and gave my side a jab with his finger. “I’ve tried to forget you since you told me you don’t love me any longer.” I hugged him closer, and a growl, too deep to be human, slipped out of me that shocked us both, if the way he stiffened was any indication, but he didn’t let it stop him.
“Never said that.”
He huffed. “My parents sent me to a tropical paradise to recover from my country calamity, as they’re referring to it. Do you know what happened?”
Shaking my head, I clutched at the back of his sweater.
“I spent a month in Phuket on the beach texting Esau every day, asking for updates. Missing you completely ruined my vacation. Do you think my inability to leave you here on this farm without another thought is part of the hex?”
Smiling, I shook my head. “No.”
“From what Esau says, you’re safer to be around than I ever was, and you didn’t abandon me. I miss you.” He stepped back and stared out across the lawn toward the forest. “I expect it will be quite nice here soon enough. Summer in the country and all that.” He shrugged, and when he raised his face to me, I lost myself in his sad eyes, a reflection of everything I’d been feeling. How had I caused yet more pain?
“You can’t.” I stepped back but couldn’t let him go. He slid his hand up my chest to tug down the collar of my shirt. He knew what should be there, and he ran a finger along the skin below the necklace, giving me a shiver. “I’m stuck here until—”
He sighed. “I can leave if I need to go somewhere, but my mind is here.” He glanced at the porch, and no matter how I’d scrubbed, the wood where Eduard had lain was still stained. “For good or ill, I can’t get you out of my mind.”
“I love you.”
Journey grunted and his eyes widened. He used his hands on the back of my neck to drag me down into a kiss, and my entire existence centered in on him—his smell, the familiar weight of him in my arms. The sadness I’d been carrying around lifted from my shoulders and I felt more like myself. He wriggled against me, and excitement sizzled in my gut as his hard cock nudged my thigh.
“Take me to bed, Pious. I can’t stand this,” he murmured against my lips.
Without thinking, I bent and scooped him up, and he snickered and smacked my chest.
“Am I your bride?” he asked as I turned with him. He reached forward and opened the door.
“No, my groom.”
He hummed. “I rather like the sound of that. Where’s my Bratty girl?”
Sighing, I kissed his temple. “She wouldn’t stop barking at me, so she’s at Oma’s.”
“I can feel it, you know. The pain you’re carrying inside you.”
“I’m sorry.” I squeezed him closer.
He went quiet as I carried him inside, but he smiled as he swung the front door closed. The trip to my room couldn’t happen fast enough, and the second I stepped over the threshold he cupped my cheeks and kissed me. He sucked on my bottom lip and moaned, and I dumped him on the bed. I stripped his sweater up and off and grinned at his messed-up hair. I loved it. He was quick to drag the undershirt off and toss it away, and I was surprised when his hands flew to my belt buckle.
“Sweet things later, need you now,” he murmured, his voice warm in the stillness of my room. It had been so cold and quiet here without him. Even though I wanted to treat him like a prince, I nodded fast.
“Anything you want.”
My reward was a toothy smile that had my worst instincts stirring in my belly.
I grabbed the lube from my nightstand. I hadn’t felt like trying to get off at all while he was gone, and when he shoved me onto my back—or more like pushed, and I fell over like a tree for him—I happily went. He tugged my jeans down and shoved up my shirt as he toed out of his shoes, then kicked his pants the rest of the way free. His beautiful, golden skin came into view, and a thatch of black hair surrounding the base of his thick cock stole all my attention.
“How do you want it?” he asked, giving his cock a stroke that coiled a knot of heat in my gut.
I held out my arms to him, and he moaned, nodding. He slicked my dick, and less than a minute later he crawled on top of me, thighs spread and cock pointing toward the ceiling as he eased onto me. I gasped in pleasure as he sank down to surround me.
“Get it. Take what you need.” I massaged his ass, and he nodded as his eyes slipped closed. It all felt good—Journey’s heat, his tight body clamped around mine, his scent on the air. I was more excited than I’d ever been because I’d missed him so much. He rocked on me and I loved it. I wanted to fuck and fuck, and the sensation of nearly getting there kept twisting in my groin. He whined and rocked faster, and I slid a hand up to pluck at his nipples and wrapped a fist around his cock. After a couple of strokes, he gasped, and his hips bucked hard as he painted my stomach with cum, his thighs quivering as another load gushed from his slit.
“You didn’t go?” he asked between panting for air.
“Not yet.”
He gifted me with a perfect, wicked little smirk. “Let’s get you there, shall we?”
This time when he moved his hips it was a less frantic, sensual slide of his body, and I loved every minute. We fucked for a long time, me shoving my cock up into his hole to spread it wide, and I drank in every pleasured expression that passed across his face. Eventually his mouth fell open and his belly heaved as his dick twitched.
“Pious, come with me,” he whispered. “Please.”
“Trying,” I moaned out, lost in the joy of having him close.
For the second time he exploded, coming on my cock, this time with no one touching him. I loved watching him lose that cool composure because of me, and I could feel myself hanging on the precipice—but I didn’t fall over into bliss. He cocked his head and stared down at me, then something close to terror flashed across his face. I gripped him and sat up, glancing around.
“What’s wrong?”
“Oh no. Pious, have you. . . uh. . . cleaned the pipes since this started?”
Confused, I fucked up into him, and he whimpered. I wanted this so bad. “No.”
“Try to come,” he said, with a small hitch in his breath as I planted my feet on the bed and fucked up until he had to lean forward to steady himself. I was buried in the most perfect spot on earth. He ground down on me, and I fucked him for a long time, not that I minded, but he sobbed and shook and came apart again in my arms. This time he only unloaded a few spurts of cum, but when he was done, he collapsed against my chest.
“When I was really green, close to eating someone, I couldn’t come. I tried. A lot.”
I rubbed my hand along his back, and my dick felt wonderful embedded in his body. “I could make love to you all night and try.”
He laughed, a light airy sound. “Would you want me to leave if you can’t?” he asked, then bit his lip as he stared up into my face. “Will it drive you mad?”
I rolled and put him under me, holding myself up on my knees, and he gasped as I stroked deep into his body and stayed buried there. “No, you leaving again would be worse. If I can’t get off, I can’t. But I’ll enjoy trying.”
“So, I have my own toy?” he asked, squeezing around me.
“I’m planning to come tonight.”
He nodded, but around the third hour of me fucking him and his fifth orgasm, he tapped out, and I still hadn’t emptied my balls. He was so satisfied in my arms, and he was here with me, so I didn’t care. Eventually we would fix this, and until then I got the joy of seeing him have what I couldn’t—and feeling the pleasure ripple through his body. Besides, fucking him still felt good. I pressed a kiss to his temple and held him in my arms. Everything would be okay as long as we were together, and after all the shit I’d put him through, the fact he would let me touch him at all was a gift—one I maybe didn’t deserve, but I would hold on to with both hands. Besides, I had a feeling I would want to keep trying to come, even if I couldn’t get off for the next hundred years. It felt too fantastic to give up.
“Hold me while I sleep, Pious,” he demanded, and I dragged him a couple of inches closer so his cheek pressed against my chest, right over my heart. Exactly where he belonged.
EPILOGUE
PIOUS
The warm spring sunshine beat down on our shoulders, and the smell of French lilacs was heavy in the air. The old-fashioned flowers grew near the log farmhouse, and during the spring their scent drowned out everything else. It wasn’t spring without lilacs, and Mother Nature was giving us a show. Esau leaned closer to me and inspected the necklace, lightly tugging and bringing my attention to him. I’d been getting distracted by smells a lot. Since he was off on a road trip, Esau had on a nice clean shirt with a flannel over it, and spotless jeans, along with his cowboy boots. It was strange to see him this cleaned up during the day.
“I have all three extras you gave me in a safe spot. We can manage changing the necklace while you’re gone if there’s an issue.” Journey had his hands on his hips and managed to look offended, which I loved. He was so easy to rile up—and also quick to forgive. “I have been checking it at night as well. I wouldn’t let anything happen to Pious.”
“Check in the morning, too. And make sure you know where the shotgun is at all times.” Esau jutted his jaw at Journey, pissing him off on purpose. My jerk brother thought it was funny, poking the bear and leaving me here to soothe him.
