Gutsy, page 12
We were leaving a lot unsaid. He glanced up, and the heartbreak in his eyes almost put me on the floor. I couldn’t turn him out, even if I’d been inclined to in the first place, which I wasn’t. But what about Amos’s little crush on Esau? It was impossible to miss. If he stayed here, his mooning around after Esau would only get worse, and my brother had never said he would be open to anything with another man. Of course, Esau didn’t bring women around, either. He also was very supportive of me.
On top of everything else, I didn’t have the brain power to work out the future, but I did know I couldn’t send Amos Glodfelter away. He was a good guy. “Go, get settled in the house. There are two guest rooms, take your pick. Esau is in there. Eat something, don’t go to bed hungry.”
He perked up and his sweet smile was worth the trouble this would likely bring. “Thank you, Pious.”
“We’ll get the paperwork done tomorrow.” I slapped the vat and glared at it, still half convinced the mechanics were fine and it was me causing the trouble.
“The paperwork for what?” he asked.
I glanced at him. “To pay you.”
“You don’t have to pay much or at all if you don’t want. You’re giving me a place to sleep and something to do.”
With one last pat to the cold metal, I walked over to Amos and squeezed his shoulder. “We do. You’re a hard worker.”
He glanced around curiously. “Is there much to do out here tonight? I could help you finish up.”
“No, I’m just thinking.”
He nodded. “You’re sure?”
“Yeah, go eat if you haven’t. Get settled.”
As he left his spine was straight in a way I didn’t think I’d ever seen, as if I’d just lifted a boulder off his shoulders, and some of the heaviness sitting on my chest went with it. I puttered around and stayed until the milk vat ran its cleaning cycle, and generally just tried not to think about anything more important than why the coolant system had gone on the fritz. Not everything had to do with me being stupid.
I had to believe that.
When I finally shut off the lights and left the barn, I paused. There was a nice car sitting in the drive, one that looked vaguely familiar, and I picked up my pace and clomped onto the porch. Princess Brat ran around my legs, and I was surprised she wasn’t already inside, so I opened the door and the little wiener dog danced around in front of me with a happy woof, then darted off toward the kitchen. Amos and Esau sat on the floor near the woodstove, and they both glanced at me with wide eyes as Journey turned toward me from where he was seated on the couch, as if he’d been telling them a big old story.
My nice winter coat and suit jacket—the clothing I’d abandoned in Vanheim—were flung on the back of the couch, and I stared too long at them.
My chest squeezed.
Journey cleared his throat and snagged my attention. His eyes were the same copper ones I’d gotten lost in that night at the club, his lips soft and begging to be kissed. His shoulders were strong, his posture perfect and refined. He was so beautiful.
I grasped the doorjamb and stood there letting the cold air in.
The world slid into focus as my gaze connected with his. Princess Brat clambered back to dance in circles all around my feet, and on autopilot I bent down to pat her while Journey and I stayed stuck on each other.
Power buzzed to life in me, an invisible living force that breezed through the room. Esau let out a whimper somewhere. There was a hex in this room, I could feel it. Something I’d worked, something I’d created, and it was a thousand times more powerful than the helpful charms I’d made. I recognized that thrum of energy the same way I did my brother’s face. It was utterly familiar, and I almost fell over as I mentally explored the feeling. It was delicious and awful.
A terrible power.
And it was coming from Journey.
I wanted to be near him and touch him, the same as I did the last time I’d seen him, but there was a baser instinct driving me along, something I couldn’t shake off. The desire to lay my hands on him and map out the hex wasn’t the only impulse thrumming through that power that swirled in the room. The part of me that was a man wanted him, too.
I couldn’t fight the urge.
I took off my boots, and no one said a word as I went over and sat beside Journey, turning to stare into his eyes. Bruising made his left jaw nearly black. Our knees touched and a sharp spark like static electricity, only on my insides, sizzled between us. His eyes rolled toward the ceiling, and I had to snag his shoulder to keep him upright.
“Journey?”
“I half thought I’d dreamed you,” he whispered.
All at once my patience snapped and I grabbed him by both shoulders. As I stood and dragged him to his feet, he grunted but came with me, and vaguely I registered Esau demanding to know what was happening.
Neither of us spoke. Journey and I were trapped in the twisted whirlwind of each other’s presence. His chest rose and fell fast. I could feel a crossroads in him, something I’d conjured, some turning point in both of our fates and futures, and while my work was familiar—the divine power I felt when I did a healing—I had no idea what I’d done.
This creation wasn’t good.
I was tied to him, though, and that awful sense the roof was about to fall in on my head grew less and less as I held on to him. I turned him and pushed him out of the living room and along the hallway to my bedroom, and once we were inside, I slammed the door. My breath came in heavy gasps, and I felt like I was staring at the edge of a cliff as he spun with his hands up and stumbled away from me a few steps.
“Hear me out. I didn’t mean to do any of it. You have to help me, you have to. Please. Please, take it away. I promise I won’t be a cockbag ever again.”
The only thing that brought me back to myself was the way Journey’s hands trembled and the whites of his eyes were visible all the way around, as if maybe he was petrified of me. I didn’t want that. I stomped forward because I wanted to be near him, and he let me run my hands down his arms to clasp his fingers.
“Why are you here?” I sounded far too gruff but couldn’t help it. I was in shock. “How did you find me?”
Journey shivered and his face crumpled but no tears fell. “I must have been crazy coming here. I’ll leave.”
“What have you done to yourself?” I touched his injured jaw, and he flinched.
“What?”
“You’re banged up.” I pointed at my own face, and he snapped out of whatever terror was shutting down his mind.
“Oh.” He shivered. “I’m not certain how that happened. I mean I know how, but don’t remember it.”
“I’m sorry I was terrible with you. You didn’t deserve the things I said.” I stared down at the floor. Panic wrapped around my heart and seemed to flow from him to me and bounce back again on an awful circuit. “I wanted to apologize to you because I think that night things went wrong, and it was lack of communication. I got carried away by my expectations and took it out on you. You were fun, you made me feel good, and I got greedy about it.” I shrugged, feeling like an ass, and rubbed the back of my neck where it was hot.
His awkward laughter had me glancing up, but he still seemed scared, and that creeping sensation from earlier that something was just plain wrong struck me again. “I’m sorry I was an asshole, too. Morals aren’t the worst thing that could happen to someone.”
Nodding, I studied him. He was still one of the most beautiful men I’d ever seen. He hugged himself, and I drew him closer with my fingertips on his elbows. “Apology accepted. Are you afraid of me? We can go out with the others.”
Journey laughed, but it degraded into a sob. I couldn’t help it, I stepped closer and hugged him, and to my surprise he collapsed against me. “You should be scared of me. It’s absolutely ridiculous, but a man I know swears I’ve been cursed, and he’s insane and thinks that you did it with your key chain.”
“My key chain? You mean you had my charm?” I held my breath and felt like I was falling. “Hexed, not cursed. You were hexed.”
He sagged against me and began to laugh, high-pitched and unhealthy, and I didn’t know what else to do except hold him while he fell apart. I buried my face against his soft hair and breathed him in. That same citrus scent from the first time we met washed over my senses and some of the awfulness clawing through me eased.
“I didn’t expect to ever see you again, but this is amazing. A gift.”
He glanced up, and the wry grin that crept across his face had me smiling back. “Trust me, I think you’re going to want to return this one.”
He held stock-still as I slipped a hand up to brush the tears off his face, and his mouth crumpled into a sad little smile I didn’t understand.
“Tell me how I can help.”
The laughter started again, and I hugged him, but this time it didn’t stop, and he’d progressed to something close to screams by the time I dragged him to my bed and sat down with him clinging to me. I had no idea how to fix this, but I knew deep in my bones, whatever problem he had I’d caused.
And I hated it.
9
JOURNEY
“Do you know what’s going on with me? Did you do it on purpose?” I asked. My voice was scratchy, and I had no idea how long I’d carried on, but I could barely talk. I tried to clear my throat, but it didn’t help. Fear sank its fangs into me as I leaned back to study Pious’s face, and I shot to my feet, scurrying away. I panted too hard and my head spun. Now that I was here, talking to Pious, I felt crazy again.
He would never believe me.
Doctors hadn’t believed me.
No one in their right mind will listen and take me seriously. Noble is the exception, not the rule.
His heavy brows furrowed and he shook his head. The sense I was going mad closed in on me. “No. I would never hurt you, or anyone else, on purpose, but I’ve been feeling the hex, too. People have been hurt around here. Amos’s father died, though that might have been unrelated. It’s possible it was simply his time to depart. Milk spoiled right in the vat.” He gestured vaguely around. “In the refrigerated vat!”
Laughing, I ran my fingertips over my stomach, clawing at my shirt. He got up and grabbed my hands to stop me from shredding the cloth. All I wanted to do was dig through the material and show him my stomach—but I’d feasted earlier today, so it wouldn’t matter. Right now I was healthy and whole. We’d have to wait if he wanted proof of the monster I’d become. “Bad milk,” I croaked out. “That’s cute. If rotten dairy products were my only problem, I’d be throwing a parade.” I sniffed, and he rubbed his thumbs along the backs of my hands in soothing circles.
He went down on one knee, and at first I wasn’t sure what he was doing, but he tugged up the leg of his jeans. I gasped at the horrible bruise on his ankle. The sickly greenish-yellow and purple marks had my heart twisting in sympathy. “That’s terrible.”
“That is the tip of the iceberg around here. One thing after another has been breaking, bleeding, or dying.”
“Ouch.” I winced.
The breath I tried to take didn’t want to stick in my lungs and gushed out of me again. “Magic isn’t real, it isn’t. It isn’t at all.” If I repeated those words often enough they should be true, but then again, maybe that was also magical thinking. I tugged at the cloth covering my stomach once more as I hung my head.
Pious shrugged and carefully stood, and now that I knew what was wrong with him I could see him testing his weight on the injured ankle. “S’pose it depends on what you want to call magic.”
“I’ve eaten two people. Consumed. God knows what the fuck will happen to me. Google says you only get prion disease from eating brains, but it can’t be good to scoop the intestines out of a person and eat them raw.” My mouth watered at the memory of that wonderful taste and smell, and I shuddered. The insides of people had to be foul and disgusting, but the idea carried the fond memories of a sundae bar.
Pious blinked. “What now?” He groped behind himself like he was looking for a chair, and I half expected him to tip over.
Anger ripped through me and my fingers curled. I held them at my sides and almost wished they were claws so I could tear him apart. My fingers pulsed, and for a wild moment I felt like the beast hiding inside me might shred my fingers and the tips of my bones would be weapons I could use to murder him.
“You don’t believe me? After everything I’ve been through, and all the trouble it took to find you.” By the time I was finished speaking I was shouting, but I couldn’t help it.
The physical space between us felt awkward and I shuddered, waiting for him to tell me to leave and stop wasting his time. Panic began to steal my air and I tugged at the collar of my shirt. He shook his head, and I stood still as he shuffled closer and dragged me into a hug again. His strong arms were comfortable, the same as they had been the night we met.
“I never meant to hurt you. It’ll be okay. Tell me what’s wrong and we’ll fix it.”
Pious drifted his hand lower on my back, and I froze—this was exactly what I’d been missing, someone to hold me and promise miracles. His lips firmed into a thin line and he nodded. I couldn’t help it, I leaned my head against his shoulder and battled down the terror that he’d turn me in to the police. “None of the. . . eating parts was anyone else’s fault, and I’m not going to tell you how I got it cleaned up. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in prison.”
“Talk to me, tell me what happened.”
With a deep breath that had my head spinning, I nodded and did as he said, starting with that first odd night after he left me at the club, until this morning—when I’d eaten a police officer. “You have to understand.” I beat my fist against his chest until he covered it with his. “I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I. . . . My skin was green. I can’t explain how it comes and goes, and right now. . . .” I lifted my shirt and he leaned back to glance down. Other than being rounded from eating so much, my skin was the same as it had always been. He brushed his fingertips around my belly button, and I shivered for a different reason that took me by surprise, heat skittering through my groin. He carefully lowered my shirt and smiled at me.
“And you’re certain this wasn’t in your mind? A hex that makes you believe awful things would be just as frightening as—”
“There was corpse disposal. Twice. And I’m really worried this time—I mean, not that I wasn’t worried both times.” I bit my lip and felt manic. “I didn’t make it up. I would like to think I was a little more creative than all this if I was going to have dramatic breakdowns with fictional bits tossed in. Gnawing on innards? It’s disgusting.” And tastes so good. I could almost smell the sweetness of Noble. He was like a cookie I wanted to nibble, and I was fairly certain Sage and Tyler would never trust me near their boyfriend again.
It was weird, but after eating a second man, I’d bought—hook, line, and sinker—the story of the demon’s cohabitation with a human in one body. Lots of things seemed more likely after you’d been eating people.
“I believe you.” He rubbed my shoulders and his jaw went tighter as he swallowed. I fell against him and laughed, relief slamming me so hard my knees turned to jelly as he kept me from collapsing.
“How do we fix it?”
“No idea.” He dragged me closer, and I had to chuckle when he rested his chin on the top of my head.
“Are you sure you understand that I ate someone? I didn’t expect you to still be treating me so—” I leaned harder against him. “—kindly.”
“I didn’t see you eat anyone.”
“Fair point.”
“You probably can’t tell, but I’ve never been this upset. I’m sorry. I wish I remembered what I said to you that night. I cast that charm on the run.” He shook his head and his beard scratched my scalp.
“So, you did do this to me?” My chest clenched, but I felt so curiously good in his arms I didn’t want to move. He felt like the key chain I’d come to love while it was in my possession, warm and sturdy and perfect.
“Not on purpose.”
“I suppose that makes us even. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings that night, either. Not really. I was an asshole.”
His chin dug in harder against my head. “You wouldn’t have deserved what happened, even if you’d been ten times worse. I’m sorry.”
“Me too.” I glanced miserably up at him, and then my attention drifted as I noted the simple wooden room, the log walls, and the homey, rustic décor. The bed looked comfortable in a way mine didn’t, with multiple layers and a quilt on top stitched with rainbow rings and a circle of acorns and oak leaves inside. It was pretty and reminded me of the little wooden disc I’d lost to the fire. Did Pious make the quilt? I wanted to go touch it but stayed rooted to the spot.
“The remains, did you eat all of the body over a period of time or—”
“Just the guts,” I said, sucking in a deep breath. I touched his belly and rubbed a small circle there. “I mean, all of a person smells good. I. . . . when I’m feeling that way I might bite anything, I suppose, but the belly just smells and tastes like heaven.” I shivered at the pleasure that raced through me, quickly followed by horror.
There was a scratching sound from the direction of the door, and Pious frowned before he went over to open it. The little dog bounded inside and raced toward me, sniffing my legs and feet all over. I stood stock-still.
“What is happening?”
“You’re being inspected for approval by Princess Brat.”
I didn’t move while she snuffled at my knees, and apparently deciding I was fine, she went off to explore a corner of the room for some reason known only to her. My knees wobbled again, but Pious came over and led me to the bed, where I sat down. Next thing I knew he plopped the little dog on my lap, and I reluctantly smiled as she licked my cheek.
“Okay, she’s sweet,” I said. He was so gentle with the tiny dog, rubbing one of her ears carefully between two fingers. She settled her excitable body against me, and I gave her a hug.
