For What It's Worth, page 9
"Can you at least say 'hi' to him?" Becca asked softly.
Penny's head shot up, and she stared at nothing down the bowling lane in front of her, then she looked at Becca.
"No," she said quietly, stealing a glance at Eli a few feet away. "I don't agree with what he's signed up to do, and I don't have to act all nice to him before he does it."
"Penny, please," Becca implored. "I…I want to make tonight as…as carefree as possible for him…"
"Carefree?" Penny said a little too loudly, catching the whole group's attention over the crashing pins and thumping bowling balls. Jesse stood then, shoving his hands in his pockets, and walking over to Penny and Becca. Eli cleared his throat and told Liz he was going to rent their shoes. Liz, almost already in tears, just nodded.
Becca placed a hand on her hip, ready to defend Eli. No, she wasn't happy either, but if she and Liz could come to some peace with it in their minds, then she reasoned that Penny could, too.
"Look," Becca said as Jesse came up to them. "I'm not thrilled either, but he's leaving. My only brother is leaving, and…"
Her voice hitched, and Jesse put a hand on her shoulder. Penny's face softened just a little. Becca took a deep breath.
"He's doing what he thinks is the right thing to do," she said in a whisper. "He wants to help save lives, and…and that's the same whether he does it in New York or Vietnam or anywhere else the military decides to send him."
"Becca, I'm sorry," Penny said, more resolved now, even though her eyes were watery. "I can't agree with the support of this war in any context. I can't…"
"You don't have to agree," Becca interrupted, wiping a tear from her eyes. "Just please…please don't make it harder than it already is…for everyone."
Penny looked to Jesse, who raised his eyebrows at her as if to say, "can you do that?" After a moment's hesitation, Penny nodded, and Jesse let out a sigh of relief.
"Thank you," Liz said loudly, her voice thick with tears. The three turned their eyes to her, and she met their gazes with a tear-stained but stoic face. Penny frowned and moved to sit down next to Liz. She put her arms around her, giving her a gentle squeeze.
Becca turned and smiled at Jesse.
"Thank you," she whispered, wiping another tear away. He put a crooked finger under her chin and lifted her face to his.
"I didn't do anything," he said, wiping her last tear away with his thumb. "What else is going on?"
He could sense it. There was something off between Eli and Liz, and it was more than him just enlisting. Becca sighed and took his hand from under her chin and held it in hers.
"He asked her to marry him before he leaves," she said quietly as they walked hand-in-hand over to their chairs again.
"Oh," he said, nodding. "Did…she…say…no?"
"Not exactly," she said, her face turned away from him.
"When's he leaving?" he asked as he furrowed his brow.
Becca looked at him then, with big tears in her eyes.
"May 9th," she whispered.
"May 9th?" he said. "But, but that's…"
"A week," she nodded with a watery chuckle. "Yes, I'm well aware."
Jesse swallowed hard and studied Becca.
"Wow, that's really…" he started, then stopped, not knowing what else to say. Just then, Eli came back with two pairs of shoes and a tray full of drafts. He surveyed the sad faces in front of him, and his heart flipped. He looked at Penny, and she smiled just a little at him. He breathed deeply and sat down the shoes. Then he started passing out the beer.
"I figured I owed you a brew at least," he said, handing two beers to Jesse in anticipation of Joe joining them soon, "and I have a toast. Liz?"
She stood, walked over to him, and wrapped her arm around his waist, looking up at him with tears in her eyes but a small smile on her face.
"This woman here has agreed to marry me," he said, smiling down at Liz. "But she's making me wait because that's what women do, am I right, Jess?"
Eli was doing his best to be light-hearted, and his eyes were imploring Jesse to play along. Jesse nodded and raised his can a little higher.
"It's what they do best, chief," he said with a nod to Eli, whose face broke into a big, appreciative smile. He glanced down at Becca, who smirked back at him as Penny and Liz rolled their eyes.
"We are not going to be married at city hall," he said as if the idea was the worst thing he'd ever heard. Liz smiled through her tears and giggled. He hugged her to him. "In many, many months, enough months to plan a wedding…"
"We'll see," Liz piped up with a grin. Eli threw a quick glare down to her but grinned and continued, "when I get my first R&R…"
"In Hawaii!" Liz said excitedly. "His R&R can be in Hawaii, and whenever it is, that's when we're going to get married!"
"A luau on the beach," Eli said, raising his can in the air, "and you're all invited!"
"Well, here here," Jesse said as all the beer cans bounced together. "Congratulations."
"I don't know how we'll get to Hawaii, but, sure," Penny said, smiling despite herself.
"Details, details," Becca said with a laugh and a wink to her brother. Eli smiled at her, happy to have succeeded in making the night less solemn and more joyful.
After everyone took a swig, the call came over the intercom for bowlers to report to their lanes. Becca stood up to take a couple practice throws with Penny as Eli and Liz secured their bowling shoes. Jesse was scanning the entrance for Joe and finally saw him come into view.
"Hey," Jesse said, grinning widely at him and handing him the unopened beer. "Glad you made it. Your woman coming?"
"Ah…no," Joe said, nodding at the others and setting down the beer, then he looked back at Jesse. "Can I talk to you a minute?"
Jesse shot him a confused look as Joe walked past him, over to the wall by the bowling ball rack. He put down his bowling bag as Jesse came up to stand next to him.
"Looking for a new ball?" Jesse asked. "I thought you just bought one…"
"When's the last time you checked your mail?"
Jesse shrugged.
"I don't know, a couple days ago, why?"
Joe bent down and unzipped his bowling bag, pulling a couple slips of folded paper out of it. He handed them to Jesse.
"I went to my Mom's to pick up mine today," Joe said quietly. "Thank God she wasn't home or…I didn't even look at it until I got back to the building…"
Jesse stared at the nearly identical papers in his hands, his eyes scanning the same words over and over. Joe took a deep breath.
"I saw a bill or something sticking out of our box," he continued. "So, I opened it up, and…I…it was buried in the stack, at the bottom."
Jesse glanced at him then, his expression impossible for Joe to read. Joe sighed, glancing back at their lane. Becca, Penny, Eli, and Liz thankfully were now engrossed in their own conversation.
"I…I went through my mail from home and found mine," he said. "It came today."
Jesse squeezed his eyes closed, and Joe clapped him on the back.
"May 9th?" Jesse whispered.
Joe nodded.
"Yeah," Joe said, his voice shaking just a little.
"Eli leaves May 9th," Jesse said in a low voice.
Joe's head shot up from the letters, and his eyes met Jesse's.
"No," he breathed with a sorrowful look. Jesse just nodded in affirmation.
"Son-of-a-bitch," Joe whispered, hands on his hips.
Jesse looked down at the draft notices a few more moments before he slowly folded the papers back together and handed them to Joe, pointing to his bowling bag.
"Listen, ah," he said, clearing his throat. "Don't say anything about…this…tonight. You dig?"
He turned then and glanced in the direction of their friends. Becca's arm was around Eli, smiling up at him. Liz was at his other side while Penny moved over to the scoring table, lighting it up above the lane. Joe's eyes followed his, and he nodded.
"Yeah," he agreed. "Yeah, no sense in making tonight…worse, I guess."
"Don't make it worse than it already is…" Becca's words echoed in Jesse's mind.
"I can't…I can't believe it…the same goddamn day," Joe said, shaking his head in disbelief. "What a fucking coincidence."
Jesse nodded as Joe bent down and put the papers back in his bag. Just then, Becca looked in Jesse's direction and smiled brightly at him, waving him to her, her tears from earlier all but forgotten at that moment. He smiled back as best he could.
"You ready?" Joe asked, picking up his bowling bag again.
Jesse glanced at him, and Joe pursed his lips and took a step forward.
"Works out that it's our last night, I guess," Joe said as they slowly made their way back to the group.
"Yeah," Jesse said quietly, his eyes never leaving Becca as he swallowed back the bile that had risen into his throat.
"Dammit it all to hell,” he whispered under his breath.
12
PRAY FOR US
The black and white film's reflection was mirrored in Becca's eyes in the darkroom down the hall from the CBS News studio. Her trained eye stopped the b-roll in snippets as the seemingly never-ending footage from Vietnam rolled out in front of her.
She felt sick, literally sick. She'd had to take several breaks that day, sometimes just closing her eyes, sometimes stepping away to the corner of the room just to catch her breath. She felt like running away after her lunch break, but she didn't. She went back to the darkroom and resumed her job, which now she detested with every fiber of her being. The face of every young soldier morphed into Eli or Joe, but more often than not, it morphed into Jesse.
She was deeply concerned for her brother, of course. She was very concerned about Joe, too, but Jesse…it made her heart stop when the worst happening to him flashed in her mind. When she saw footage of a soldier on a stretcher, or a body bag being placed gently on a plane bound for home, that's when she couldn't breathe. That's when she headed to the dark corner to try to calm down again.
It just wasn't fair he was leaving. It was true that she'd only known him for a few months, but in those few months, he'd worked his way into her psyche, and if she was completely honest, into her heart. There was so much she didn't know about him, but there was something in her that felt this incredible desire to be close to him. He'd proved to be an incredible friend with everything that had happened with Keith and had pulled her out of her doldrums when she was ready to go out again.
And then there was their one night -- the movie, the club, the dancing, the kiss. That kiss on the dance floor she wished now she'd never stopped because now…now he was pushing her away. He was pushing everyone away.
It started Friday night at the bowling alley. When he and Joe rejoined the group at the start of the first game, she'd put her arm around Jesse, and he'd smiled down at her for only a moment before disengaging from her. He went to the bar and ordered one of several hard drinks he'd had that night. Despite trying to make everything lighthearted for a little while, he, Joe, and even Eli were bombed by the end of the night. She, Penny, and Liz had to practically drag them home. The whole experience was emotionally draining for everyone and very confusing for her.
For a brief moment that night, she and Jesse had a moment alone. That was when Eli and Liz had entered her apartment at the top of the landing, Penny had descended the stairs for home, and Joe had run to his bathroom. He put both his hands on the sides of her face, and she was sure he was going to kiss her. Instead, his sad, oh so sad, glassy eyes tried to focus on hers. He swayed to the right just a touch, and she braced his arms to help steady him…
"Jesse, what is it? What's…?" she whispered, worried about the sorrowful look on his face. "What is it?"
He shook his head. His breath was laced with all the liquor he'd consumed, and to her, he looked completely lost.
"Leaving…" he muttered. "All the leaving…"
She brushed his hair back off his forehead, looking at him with questioning eyes, but she thought she understood what he meant. Eli leaving just served to remind him and Joe that they could be called to duty, too. She was sure that was what was bothering him. It surprised her only because his demeanor was usually void of that kind of worry. But it made sense, complete sense that it would come to a-head right then.
She ran her hands up and down his arms, trying to soothe him. She felt him shudder beneath her touch.
"I know it's scary," she said quietly, gently, trying to reassure him. "But he'll…he'll be fine. We all will."
She gave him a small smile, but instead of making him feel better, his face seemed to fall further, and he dropped his hands to his sides. He tried to stand up a little straighter and clear his throat, which only made him cough hard. She reached for him, and he backed away, putting his hand against the wall behind him.
"Are you gonna be OK?" she asked, gesturing toward his door as she continued to step toward him.
He put one hand up and nodded. Then with one more intense look at her, he scooted his body along the wall to his door.
"Good…goodbye, Becca," he whispered.
"Good night, you mean?"
"Yeah…" he mumbled as he turned the doorknob and stumbled inside.
She stood alone in the middle of the hall, staring at his apartment, more confused than ever.
She wasn't confused anymore.
She didn't see him over the weekend. He and Joe weren't awake on Saturday when she, Liz, and a very hungover Eli headed out to Long Island for an all-day get-together with her extended family. The event wasn't called a going-away party for Eli, but that's what it was. Then she'd stayed the night at her parents because the Redds were throwing a family brunch for Eli and Liz on Sunday in celebration of their engagement.
She didn't mind spending as much time with her brother as she could before he left, even if spending that much time with her Mom was trying. The hardest part was wondering how Jesse was coping. She couldn't get him off her mind. She hadn't been able to get him off her mind for weeks, but now she was worried about him. She couldn't get the broken look on his face from Friday night out of her head.
After the brunch, she had to go to work and pull a 12-hour shift. She got back to the Village very late, and when she woke up Monday morning, Jesse had already left for work.
She had that day off, so she threw herself into cleaning the apartment to stave off her nerves. It was something she'd done for years, and it relaxed her.
But no amount of cleaning could have relaxed her enough to prepare her for what she would hear later that night.
Becca took a deep breath, her eyes blurry. She stopped the film strip and turned off the projector light, her face falling into her hands…
"What?!" Penny said, a strange sound in her high-pitched voice.
"That can't be," Liz said as she sat heavily in one of the kitchen chairs in her apartment. Eli stood behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. "This can't be happening..."
Joe cleared his throat.
"We…we received our notices in the mail on Friday," he said quietly, nodding at Jesse. "We, both of us, have to show up for our physicals on Thursday, just like the enlisted men."
"What time?" Eli asked.
"0800 at the Dresden Center," Joe said, slipping into military time. In some ways, being the son of a military man, he'd been preparing for this moment his whole life. Eli just nodded. It was the same time he was reporting -- 8 a.m.
Jesse was staring straight ahead, refusing to meet anyone's eyes. Becca's heart was racing as she stared at him, her face white as a ghost. Friday night made sense now. It all made sense now -- they knew they were leaving then.
"I knew it, I knew this was going to happen," Penny burst out. "This is wrong, all wrong!"
"For the love of God, Penny, please, just stop it!" Liz said, with uncharacteristic force, pounding her fist on the table.
Penny ignored her and moved to stand right in front of Jesse.
"You can run -- you should run," she said, eyeing him carefully. He stared her down with a stone look on his face.
"I'm not running…anywhere," he said, glancing at Joe. "This is what…what we've been called to do."
Joe nodded.
"How are you going to feel," she continued, right in his face, her emotions getting the best of her. "When they put that gun in your hands and send you into a village to kill…"
"Out!" Becca shouted, anger coursing through her veins. "Out, Penny! I want you out of my apartment right now!"
Everyone looked at Becca, who was seething, and Jesse swallowed hard.
"Baby killers," Penny whispered fiercely, looking between him and Joe. "You are just fodder for 'the man' -- they'll make you into baby killers!"
Tears started to stream down her face. She loved these men, especially Jesse, like a brother, and they were all going to leave and fight in that war in that place. It was too much for her.
"I won't stand by and watch you leave," she said hotly. Then she grabbed her bag and walked out the door…
"Becca?" Malory said, poking her head into the darkroom and interrupting the scene that had played out in Becca's head a hundred times since Monday night.
Becca cleared her throat and stood up off her stool, smoothing down her long skirt.
Malory gave her a sad smile.
"Thanks for covering for me," Becca said in a whisper. "I know you're busy with your wedding this weekend…"
"It's fine," Malory said, stepping to her and giving her colleague a hug. "I'm just sorry I have to cover for you. Where are you going to dinner?"
Becca cleared her throat again.
"Some Italian place…ah, Tony’s," she said. "My brother picked it out. My Mom wanted to cook on his…last night…home, but…but he refused, thankfully."
She gave Malory a small smile. It was the last time the four Schmidts and Liz would be together as a family for a long time. Becca was expected to be there, but she didn't plan to stay there too long. She hadn't seen Jesse since the Monday evening bombshell. He'd made himself scarce when she was home. She was desperate to see him and had been trying to talk to him for two days without any luck.
