Betrayer, page 8
part #3 of The Shining Ones Series
“You don’t think I haven’t thought like that?” I whispered fiercely. “That I haven’t sat back in amazement and wondered what I’ve done to deserve a brush with something so sublime that it’s hard for me to even describe it some days? I get it, but you have no idea of the costs. Even being stuck in that cage in Jekyll Island, you have no idea how close you came to dying, and yet you stand here talking about how amazing it is like it’s winning the lottery. I would give it all back just to be normal again.”
It was Katie’s turn to be shocked. “You wouldn’t, would you?”
It was a good question. I’d said to Arthur that I’d never take it back, never wish for my old life again after being exposed to Adam and all the danger that followed, but that was before Arthur had died, before Daisy was blinded in a fire that took away everything, before I was being forced against my will to go to a world that I knew nothing about. If it wasn’t for Adam, I would’ve gladly taken it all back, given it all away to be safe with my family and friends.
Adam. The only anchor in the sea of chaos.
“I don’t know.” I sighed, starting to walk down the sidewalk again. I reached up to touch my short hair and thought better of it, dropping my hand. It was going to take some getting used to.
Katie fell in line with me, her bag bumping between us. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not saying it’s without risks, but life is short, Poe. It’s time for you to say yes instead of no. Open your mind to the possibilities and you might surprise yourself.”
There was no point in arguing further with her, so I didn’t. I kept on walking down the street.
Katie had no idea how short life truly was.
6
Whether I wanted to or not, I had to go back to work. It wasn’t lost on me that I was experiencing déjà vu, going to yet another job bruised and battered. I had a moment of sadness thinking about Paddy’s, but as I’d determined yesterday, it was time to move on—there was no use dwelling in the past. And Paddy’s was just that…my past. Not that Rockfish was my future either, and that unfortunate reminder was running through my head when I walked through its front doors. There was still the issue of telling Haylee and Birdie about me leaving. Luckily, Haylee Jane kept me from thinking about it further.
“Holy sweet Moses.” Haylee rushed out of the kitchen and came to a shuddering stop, staring at me like I’d grown another pair of limbs. A second later, she surged forward and squeezed me tight before holding me at arm’s length. She brought me back in for another hug just to be on the safe side.
“I wanted to come over, but that man of yours wasn’t havin’ it. Are you okay?” she asked, looking me over. She reached out a hand to touch a lingering bruise on my face, but I stopped her. Touchy-feely Haylee was not something I was used to.
“I’m fine, I swear.” I backed up out of her reach for fear she’d grip me again and start inspecting me inch by inch.
“You don’t look fine,” said Haylee. She was giving me the once-over again, but her eyes were glued to my head.
“It’s just hair, and you should thank Katie,” I said, not really thankful at that moment. “She did most of this. I was just a willing victim who should’ve seen the error of letting Katie do anything.”
Haylee snorted and shook her head. “It ain’t that bad, girl. I’ve seen worse, and truth be told, it looks pretty good on you, too. Plus, you didn’t need to tell me about Katie’s doin’ ’cause it’s got her written all over it. But enough ’bout your hair.” Haylee reached out and rubbed my shoulder. “How are you feelin’? I drove by the trailer this mornin’. I’m sorry, Poe.”
I shrugged. “It’s done and gone. Adam’s letting me stay with him.” Her sympathy was making me feel self-conscious when all I really wanted was for everything to be back to normal, whatever that was these days.
Haylee’s frown was hardly subtle, and it was just the precursor to the lecture I was going to get. “Are you sure you should be doin’ that? I know ya’ll are together and all, but are you sure you wanna be livin’ with him already? You know you can come stay with me as long as you like.”
It was true. I still had some concerns about staying at Adam’s, because from a conventional point of view what she was saying would be right—it was too soon. But there was nothing normal about my situation with Adam, even though I couldn’t say that to my best girlfriend. And moving in with him was out of character for me—I knew that, too. There was nothing for it, though. He and I were in it together.
“It’s fine, really. Plus I don’t want to cramp your style with whatever is happening between you and you-know-who. Which, by the way, we’re gonna have to catch up on, because you’ve been holding out on me.” I didn’t need to say Andre’s name.
Haylee shrugged, but she didn’t seem repentant. Plus, she wasn’t done with me yet. She lowered her voice. “Birdie came in here yesterday mighty upset and talked to your dad. I know what’s happened to Daisy has really got to him, and you know, he’s all worried about you, too.” I went to open my mouth, but Haylee shushed me. “That boy does right by you, that’s all I’m sayin’, but you should know that whatever he said to Joe ain’t gone down well. I think Birdie was hopin’ he’d side with him on whatever is goin’ on with you two, but Joe wasn’t havin’ it. I just thought you should know that that boy is worryin’ himself nuts over you even though he’s tryin’ to hide it.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I said to Haylee when it was my turn to speak. “I’m trying my best to protect Birdie. I want to talk with him, be with him…I miss him, but he’s all weird about it. Every time I try to get close to him again, he’s always angry. He is constantly mad at me or fussing at me, except about Daisy.” I had to swallow the knot in my throat, the sadness still raw and overwhelming.
“I am sorry about her, you know,” said Haylee, squeezing my arm this time. “I will help any way I can, you know that, right? If it’s with Daisy, or a place to say, or anythin’, you only need to ask, girl.”
“I know,” I said, meaning it. “I just need some time to digest what’s happened and figure out what’s next for me.” That was partly true. “Being at Adam’s isn’t so bad. Hell, he was practically staying at the trailer all the time, so it’s not so different.”
Haylee gave me a funny look, but I ignored it. She squeezed my arm one more time and then let go. “Okay, well, the offer still stands. Anytime, girl.”
“Thanks,” I replied before walking back to the kitchen to put my new bag away.
There wasn’t much time left for talking, or anything else for that matter, as we got ready to open up for dinner service. Nothing seemed to have changed much in the two days I’d been gone. The kitchen had finally gotten into the swing of things, thankfully, though we were still slammed with customers as folks came in to check us out. But that wasn’t a bad thing. Joe had piled on personal debt to make the restaurant happen, so failure wasn’t an option, which made the thought of leaving him and the restaurant that much harder.
As if I’d willed him into existence, my dad pushed through the door and into the kitchen during my break, making a beeline toward me. The glass of water in my hand felt particularly sweaty, and suddenly I wasn’t very thirsty anymore. If I thought he’d been avoiding me after my announcement about leaving, I’d been wrong. Taking one more sip, I placed the glass on the counter before giving him a weak smile.
“Hey, Dad.”
“You got a minute?” he asked, tilting his head toward the back door.
“Sure,” I replied. “What’s up?”
“Let’s go out back first, then we’ll talk.” Joe walked to the door and pushed on the metal bar, a quick clunk before a cool night breeze eked its way into the steamy kitchen. I followed him out the door.
I’d been out in this parking lot many times, and for a moment I felt a tingle of sadness run through me as I glanced over at Paddy’s dumpster just two doors down. Any second, Birdie, Katie, or even Stevie for that matter could bust out of Paddy’s back door, but it would never be me over there. I’d never work on that side of the parking lot again. I swallowed down the sadness and turned to face my dad. He hadn’t missed a beat.
“I know part of you misses Paddy’s,” he said. He rubbed the back of his neck but didn’t look away like I’d expected. “And I’d like to say it’ll get better over time, but we both know it’s a moot point if you’re going”—I started to open my mouth, but he kept going—“which is why I brought you out here anyhow.” He cleared his throat.
That stopped me.
“I’m sorry for how I reacted to your news yesterday. It was a bit of a shock because I thought you could be happy here.” He swept his arm toward the restaurant, but then paused, indecisiveness written all over his face. Joe shook his head. The uncertainty had morphed into something else, something that made it hard for me to swallow. “No, that’s not exactly right. It’s me that’s happy. I’m happy you’re here…more than happy. I don’t wanna lose you again, Poe. Not after working so damn hard to win you back in the first place.” Joe turned his face away from mine, but not before I saw the tears forming.
My dad’s fears echoed my own. I didn’t want to leave him any more than I wanted to leave my friends or my life. The irony wasn’t lost on me that at one time I’d wanted to run as far away from Tybee as my legs would carry me. Now everything was on the line, and even wishing for a do-over wasn’t going to change the cold, hard facts. I was going to be forced off this island one way or another.
I reached over and tugged on my dad’s arm, pushing the emotion deep down inside. He still wouldn’t look at me, but that was okay. It almost made it easier to say what I needed to say. “I never thought we would get this far, and I’m ashamed for waiting so long. If I had any regret for what I’ve done with my life, it would be not letting you in sooner. I’d alter that if I could, but I can’t. I have to go, Dad.”
“Are you sure I can’t get you to reconsider?” he asked, finally glancing my way. “If it’s about money, maybe I can borrow against the restaurant a bit more to get you what you need, maybe I can—”I stopped him with a raised hand.
“It’s not about money, and the wheels are already in motion. I’m sorry, really I am.”
It was the truth—having to have this conversation with him was tearing me up inside. I knew what I was doing would impact my dad, and it made me sick just thinking about it. Yet again, my choice to be with Adam was causing distress to someone I loved. One more sacrifice. One more casualty.
“How long before you leave?” my dad asked abruptly.
“Sooner than I’d like. End of June,” I said, wrapping my arms around my waist, the breeze no longer refreshing against my skin.
“Okay, well, at least I can say I tried.” My dad stepped over and gave me a quick squeeze but didn’t linger. He was still disappointed and I couldn’t blame him. I was disappointed in myself, too, but there was no help for it.
June was coming, and there wasn’t anything anyone could do to stop it.
***
It was hard to get through work after my chat with Joe in the parking lot, but I made it and was happy to leave when the time came. It’d been a busy night and the tips were good, but that seemed such a minor thing in comparison to everything else that’d been happening. What once would’ve been a reason for celebration was now nothing more than a passing moment. The things that would’ve brought me happiness before no longer held my interest.
And then there was Birdie and Haylee Jane.
No matter how many times I’d gone over it in my head, I could never think of any easy way to deliver the blow. Plus, as selfish as it was, what little time I had left with them I wanted to treasure. I didn’t want to ruin it by having my departure hanging over our heads like an ominous cloud. Whether it was the right decision or not, I was going to keep the ruse up just a little bit longer.
I took a right instead of the left to Adam’s house, and before I knew what I was doing, I’d parked in Birdie’s driveway. Just thinking about him had conjured up the need to see him. I still didn’t feel comfortable with the way we’d left things at Adam’s house, and I knew that being here could mean more awkward questions I couldn’t answer, but I wanted things to be better between us. I needed him, even if it was just for a little bit longer.
Getting out of my car, I walked up the steps of the front porch and knocked. The door of Birdie’s apartment swung open and there he stood in jeans and a band t-shirt, his normal attire. It was late, but he was alone. I breathed a sigh of relief. Katie must’ve still been at work.
His eyes widened, his mouth gaping as he stared at me.
“Holy wow, Batman.”
I’d almost forgotten about the hair. Almost.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
“Can I look first?” he asked right back. “Go on. Give me a twirl.”
Grunting, I swished around in a circle, feeling ridiculous and self-conscious. When I came to a halt face forward again, he was grinning at me. He reached out to touch my hair and I let him. He rubbed a piece of my hair between his fingers before letting go and stepping back. “I like it. Katie didn’t do it justice. She’s not here, by the way, if you’re looking for her.” He stepped back from the door to let me pass.
“No, I came to see you,” I replied as I stepped inside, the night air rushing in with me. “I wanted to apologize for the way I acted.”
Shutting the door, he drifted over to the couch and sat, patting the empty space next to him. “Come sit.”
I dropped my bag in an armchair before navigating my way around the coffee table and finally plonking down on the couch next to him, sighing.
“What’s the sigh for?” he asked, one eyebrow raised, his eyes zoomed in on mine.
“For everything,” I replied. “I’m tired of being a screw-up and not having the right words. And then pissing everyone else off. I’m tired of that, too.”
Birdie shook his head. “I’m not pissed at you, Poe. Just confused and concerned, but definitely not mad. I can’t figure out what’s going on with you, and it makes me worry.”
“I know,” I replied, feeling guilty. I pushed my flats off and slouched down farther on the couch before setting my feet up on the edge of the coffee table.
“Come here.” Birdie reached for my feet and placed them in his lap, making me prop my back on the arm of the couch. It was definitely an improvement, especially when he started to rub my feet. “Better?”
A little groan of pleasure escaped my mouth. Birdie was good at massaging feet.
“So, are you gonna tell me what’s going on?” he asked as he hit a sensitive spot on my foot. It was uncomfortable, but not necessarily unpleasant.
“What do you mean?” I sighed again, tilting my head to lay it on the back of the couch.
He shook his head but didn’t stop stroking. “You know exactly what I mean. Don’t stall.”
“There’s nothing to say, really. I’m just a hot mess, can’t you leave it at that?” I wanted to tell him the truth. I wanted to tell him everything. In moments like this, it was all too easy to imagine it.
“You’ve never been a hot mess in your life, Poe. You’re always on top of things, always in control, but right now, everything is all over the place, and even a blind man could see that.”
“Do you trust me?” I asked suddenly. This time, his hands did stop, leaving my feet bereft of his touch.
“With my life,” replied Birdie. He meant it.
“Then I need you to trust me,” I said. “I will tell you soon, but I need you to let it go for now. Just for a little while longer. I promise.”
In that moment, I made a decision I hoped I wouldn’t regret for the rest of my life. Even though I couldn’t tell him the truth now, before I left, I would tell him all. Everything. Every last bit, including what Adam was and the danger we faced. Even though it would put him at risk, it was the only thing to do. Because whatever happened, I couldn’t leave with that wedge between us, couldn’t leave him always wondering what happened to me. Just the thought of his crestfallen face was enough to crush my heart. Adam would’ve called it foolish, but right then, I knew Birdie would want the truth no matter what, and I owed him that.
“Fine,” he sighed. “I can wait, but not forever. We won’t be back on the right footing unless you trust me, you know that, right?”
“I know, and I do trust you. It’s just timing, that’s all.”
“So what do you want to talk about?” Birdie asked, his hands starting to work his magic again. My feet were loving it.
Even though I hated to bring it up, I was curious and couldn’t let it go. “Why won’t you take Katie with you on tour? She seems pretty pissed about that. I mean, you took me, after all, and she knows it.”
Birdie walked his thumb down my instep like an inchworm, causing me to stifle another sigh of pleasure. He shrugged. “It’s not the same. Katie doesn’t have the same rapport with the guys that you do, and we don’t need the extra stress on the road, as it’s a longer tour.”
“Is that it?”
He sighed and picked up my feet, setting them back on the couch. I tried not to frown because what he was about to say was serious enough that he had to place all his focus on his next words. I waited, not moving a muscle.
“I’m not sure if Katie and I have staying power,” he confessed finally. “I thought at the beginning maybe we did. Then the Jekyll Island thing happened and she was so frightened and I was scared, too, Poe, scared that it was my fault for leaving her here by herself. But then she started to stay over more and became more clingy. I don’t know, I kinda felt uncomfortable about it. Then the apartment thing.” He shook his head before pointing around the room at all of Katie’s changes. “That really got me, I guess. She didn’t ask, she just did it.”
