At First Hate, page 22
Chuck’s eyes narrowed, and he tipped his chair back onto two legs. He was clearly drunk. I wondered if he was ever in any other state. “Bit of a downgrade from Kasey, isn’t it? Prom queen to a minivan.”
I winced at the mention of his ex-wife. Derek, however, didn’t. He strode around Chuck, grabbed the back of his chair, and jerked it backward.
Chuck shouted, scrambling to keep from falling. But it was no use. Chuck fell backward on the hardwood floor. His feet dangling comically in the air before he rolled over with a groan. “What the fuck?”
“I said, don’t call her that,” Derek said calmly.
“Jesus Christ, it was just a fucking joke.”
“You weren’t joking, Chuck. You’re just a prick who never left high school behind. Marley has done more in her life than you’ll ever do, and I’m done letting your petty insults continue.”
Chuck clambered to his feet. Michael and Joseph similarly got up with wide eyes, staring at Derek as if they’d never seen him.
“Fuck you, Ballentine,” Chuck said eloquently.
Derek nodded and took a step forward. All three of them jerked backward in alarm. He laughed. “That’s what I thought. Now, get the fuck out of here.”
And to my shock, they tucked tail and all but ran from the bar. Sure, Chuck threw obscenities at Derek, as if it would make a difference. But they were gone.
Josie leaned in close to me. “Remember how I said that you didn’t have to marry him?”
I laughed. “Yeah?”
“I take it back.”
Lila’s head whipped to us. “What? Marry him?”
“You should definitely marry him,” Josie said.
Lila looked between me and Derek and then shrugged. “It’ll be an awkward wedding, but I have to say that I’m with Josie on this one.”
I shook my head. “Y’all are ridiculous.”
Derek held his hand out to the abandoned table. “Drinks, ladies?”
“We’ll get them!” Josie said. She grasped Lila’s hand and dragged her away, leaving me and Derek alone.
I stepped forward, brushing back a loose curl. “Um… thanks. That was unexpected.”
He pulled up Chuck’s overturned chair and offered it to me. I sank into it, and he took the seat next to me.
“Well, that’s how it should have gone the first time.”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
Derek reached out and threaded our fingers together. He dropped a kiss onto my hand. “That was always my biggest regret.”
“What was?”
He nodded down. “That I let you go over that.”
“Oh,” I said softly. “Well, you didn’t let me go exactly. You did show up at my house a bunch once you sobered up with no memory of what had happened and begged me to come back.”
“Yeah,” he said sheepishly. “I did that. But I’d already ruined it.”
“We both did.” My eyes trailed to my friends at the bar. “I should have told Lila long before I did.”
Silence stretched between us, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. For the first time in a long time, there were no more regrets between us. We were here again. I still wasn’t entirely sure what this was. The case was between us. It was hard to completely separate business from personal when it came to my life on the line. But I’d vowed to do it for the night.
Lila and Josie brought a tray of shots back with them at the same time that Maddox entered Dub’s. He shook out an umbrella in frustration and then found Josie and froze momentarily. She looked up at him and then quickly away.
“Goddamn rain couldn’t wait a few minutes for me to get here,” he complained.
“That’s Savannah for you,” I said.
“Hey, man.” Derek held his hand out for Maddox.
My brother looked down at it and then sighed, shaking.
“This is a bad idea,” he told me.
Derek and I both laughed.
He wasn’t wrong. I’d been shown time and time again that Derek could hurt me. I had no reason to believe he wouldn’t do it again. And yet here I was, falling head over heels for him. I hated him for our past, but somehow, I still felt exactly the same for him as I always had.
After that, we all settled in for my birthday. Lila discussing the current Falcons schedule and her role as a physical therapist in their training room. The final season of Academy was running this fall. Josie chatted about future plans. An indie film, some superhero movie she was in talks about doing, and a makeup line. But I couldn’t have been the only one who heard that she was afraid where her career would go without her hit show. Maddox didn’t say much about his animating, but he never did. That was who he was.
Derek pointedly didn’t mention work. And my research was on a temporary hiatus while I was on sabbatical. I should have been with Gran, but I wasn’t. She was missing from the conversation too.
We ended at Lulu’s again, just like we had for Ash’s birthday. Derek and I looked at each other, as if remembering but refusing to bring it up. Ash would not be a welcome conversation topic. I was still worried about him, but I’d been glad when I found out he was heading to LA to see his buddy Tanner during my birthday. The chance of us running into him was always likely with Lila in tow.
I finished off my chocolate chip cheesecake and leaned backward in my seat, full and just a little drunk. Unlike Josie and Lila, who were as smashed as I’d been the night of Ash’s birthday.
“You are good people, Derek,” Josie said, slapping his hand twice.
“Thanks, Josie,” he said with a laugh.
“I thought I’d hate you,” Lila said with a shrug.
“Don’t take it personally, but I’ve hated you for a long time.”
She snorted. “I bet you have.”
“And yet we’re all here together for moi,” I said with a laugh, dramatically placing a hand on my chest.
“It’s my birthday too,” Maddox grumbled.
“Oh yeah, and for my little baby brother.”
Maddox cast his eyes to the ceiling. “It’s only thirty-seven minutes.”
“Long enough,” I teased.
We all joked around over our dwindling chocolate martinis before heading out. Maddox took Josie and Lila in his Jeep, and I headed out with Derek. Lila winked at me as we left. Josie whistled at us. I ducked my chin in embarrassment.
“Some friends,” he said with a laugh.
“They’re the best.”
“I can see that.”
He held my hand again as we walked to his car through the Halloween crowds that had already descended on Savannah.
“Thanks again for what you did with Chuck.”
Derek laughed. “He kind of had it coming.”
“I can’t believe what he said.”
“What part? Everything out of his mouth is as outrageous and predictable as always.”
I bit my lip. “Um… that you’d downgraded.”
He huffed. “Ah. That.” He was silent for a moment before saying, “I did downgrade.” I tried to yank my hand away in outrage, but he was smiling and held me tight. “I downgraded from you to her.”
I opened my mouth as if to protest, but the words died on my lips. “What?”
“You’re always the upgrade, Mars,” he said and then fitted his mouth to mine, soft and tender.
“Oh, Derek,” I breathed. “You’re so much trouble.”
He chuckled, and we stopped in front of his BMW. “Sounds right. I also… got you a birthday present.”
“What? No. You can’t give me anything.”
He opened the door and pulled out a long, skinny box with a black ribbon on it. “But I did.”
“You literally cannot spend money on me,” I said in a panic. “It would look bad for…” The case. I didn’t say it, but it was implied. It could look bad, like he was buying me off or something else ridiculous.
“I thought of that. So, I didn’t spend any money.”
I narrowed my eyes at him in confusion. “You didn’t spend money on a present? Who are you, and what have you done with the real Derek Ballentine?”
He laughed and passed me the box. “Just open it, Mars.”
I took it with a sigh, tugging off the ribbon and lifting the box open. My heart melted at what sat inside. I withdrew the black, white, and red Hermès scarf that he had given me as a Christmas present all those years ago. When we’d broken up, I’d stuffed everything that reminded me of him in a box and left it at his place.
“You kept it all these years?” I asked, my heart constricting.
“Always.” He took the scarf and wound it around my neck. “To Mars and back.”
Then, he kissed me.
And I knew I was in deep, deep trouble.
31
Savannah
October 28, 2016
“I’m glad that you could make it for this, Mars,” Maddox said.
“How could I miss it?”
Maddox pulled a face. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Well, are you happy, or is it not a big deal?”
My brother grinned, tightening his charcoal suit around his shoulders. “Both.”
“Shithead.”
He cracked up. “That’s why I want you here. If I have too many people telling me that I’m awesome, it might go to my head.”
I rolled my eyes. “As if it hasn’t already.”
“Nah. Us animators aren’t usually recognized. Hard to get a big head when no one knows your name.”
“Speaking of someone whose name everyone knows, have you seen Josie?”
He flinched at the name and then acted like he hadn’t. “I have not.”
“Are you two still at each other’s throats?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Okay,” I said, drawing out the word. “Sure thing. Play dumb. That’s always worked out so well for you.”
“You’re such a bad sister.”
I laughed. “I’m the best sister, and you know it.”
“Remind yourself of that when this thing goes all night,” he said with a wink and then headed backstage.
I didn’t mind that it took all night. The SCAD Film Festival was an annual event that brought hundreds of celebrities to our doorstep. I’d gone to my fair share of films because of it, but I’d never been to their infamous cocktail party. Both Maddox and Josie were being recognized for their achievements after graduation. I spent the remainder of the night bouncing between the two since, apparently, neither was speaking with the other. That part was exhausting. And by midnight, I was ready to bounce.
I was still in my black cocktail dress and heels and had driven to the event with Maddox, which I was now realizing was a mistake. I’d have to get an Uber or something home.
But as soon as my feet were out on the old familiar roads with the old familiar Halloween crowds through Savannah, my exhaustion fell off. I stepped into one of the squares under the Spanish moss and breathed in my home. It had been awhile since I’d been back to visit. Gran had chided me for being too busy, but work had kept me occupied.
I stepped out of the square and out onto Bay Street. It was crowded despite the hour, and I pressed myself back into the overhang to avoid a raucous crowd of ghost-tour revelers. Suddenly, the door behind me pulled open, and I teetered on my heels before falling backward into the stranger.
“Oof,” I gasped.
Hands came down around my waist. “Oh God, I’m sorry.”
I stopped struggling and came slowly back to my feet. “My bad.”
“I didn’t expect anyone to be there.”
I turned around to thank my rescuer, but when I saw who it was, I ceased breathing entirely. Derek and I gaped at one another. I hadn’t seen him in three years. Not since we’d broken up at Harvard. I’d had no idea he was even in Savannah. My brain couldn’t process any of it.
“Hey,” he said finally.
“Derek,” I said, stepping backward.
“Mars.”
His eyes swept my fancy cocktail dress, down my pale legs, to the stilettos on my feet. I’d even gone to get my hair and makeup professionally done for the event. I had never really figured out how to make my curls behave. He looked at me as if he’d never seen me before.
“You look… stunning.”
I blushed and took another tentative step backward. “Thank you.”
He looked just as gorgeous as he always had. Though… rumpled. I’d seen Derek in every state of dress or undress, but I’d never thought of him as rumpled before. He had on a black suit with a white shirt and blue tie. The top button had been undone and his tie pulled loose from around his neck. The suit fit him perfectly, but it was as if he’d been sleeping in the thing. His eyes seemed distant or just exhausted. Even worse than those years of law school, which had wrung him dry.
“I…” He ran a hand back through his hair. It was longer than he’d worn it in college. The slight curl giving way to a full wave. Somehow, I liked it even more. “What are you doing in Savannah?”
“Maddox and Josie had a thing at the SCAD Film Festival.” I glanced up at the building we were hovering in and saw the words Ballentine Law. “You’re working for your dad?” It came out as more of an accusation than I’d intended.
He nodded. His jaw set. “Yeah. You?”
“Emory,” I told him. “Neuroscience faculty.”
“Of course. Congratulations.”
“Thanks,” I said softly.
It had been three years. Three long years without his face in my life. I’d dated since Derek. I’d even thought that I was in love. And somehow, one look at him made all the years just disappear.
Even if I couldn’t forget the hurt. And I needed to get away before I started to forget that too.
“Well… good night,” I said, taking another step past him.
For a few moments, as I walked away from him, I thought he’d let me go. He’d been hurt by what had happened too. A lot of what he’d said was true on my part. It had been both of our fault. Even if he’d driven the nail into the coffin.
But then he was there. “Wait…”
Wait. There was that word. That impossible word.
I stalled, took a deep breath, and then released it. Was I going to do this to myself? I bit my lip. Sometimes, love was messy and painful and made absolutely no sense, but it was still there regardless.
I turned back to face him. “What?”
“Don’t go.”
“Why?”
“Because… I don’t know.” He ran his hand back through his hair again. He looked lost, as if he truly had no idea why he had asked me to stop. “I can’t let you leave.”
I gulped. “I know that feeling.”
“Get a drink with me.”
I shouldn’t.
“One drink.”
Then, his smile hit me full-on. I felt like he crushed all the air from my lungs when he looked at me like that. Flashes of memories cascaded through my mind. Nights spent wrapped in his arms. The feel of his arms around me from the prow of his sailboat. A stolen glance over a stack of law books in the library.
I looked down. He was intoxicating, and I was drunk off of him in one glance. Fuck.
We walked side by side down Bay Street, veering toward City Market. We stopped at the bar of an upscale dining room. We were both dressed too nice for the dives, but this also felt safe. It wasn’t a place I’d ever go with anyone else. I had no memories at these sorts of places.
I drank a sidecar as I listened to him discuss how he’d come home and taken over right where he’d left off. He was working himself to death, trying to reach partner. I could see the strain all over him. I told him all about my work at Emory. How I’d had a breakthrough with my dementia work. A few years too late for Gramps. But if it helped one person, it was worth it.
And slowly, we both relaxed. His exhaustion evaporated. My unease around him vanished. It was just like old times. As comforting and terrifying as that notion was. We hadn’t seen each other in three years. I’d been so mad at him then, and somehow, we could still act just like we always had.
We left the bar after three drinks instead of one, of course, and headed to the water. I took the cobblestone steps in my heels like a newborn colt. These steps had been built in the 1800s. They were steep and uneven and terrible. A hundred percent not made for modern high heels. Derek offered his hand to help me down. I hesitated only a moment before placing my hand in his. Sparks ignited between us, and my stomach dipped at the contact. How? How could it still be this potent all these years later?
I made it down to the riverfront. We grabbed frozen drinks from Wet Willie’s and then crossed River Street. I sipped at my alcoholic concoction, already buzzed from earlier, and felt all the alcohol go straight to my head. Derek finished his in record time, tossing it into a nearby trash can. Then, he leaned out against the rail overlooking the Savannah River. In the darkness, the water was a black abyss, mysterious and beautiful.
“Do you like being back?” I asked after I threw away my own drink and came to stand next to him.
“Nowhere else ever felt like home.”
It mirrored my thoughts so perfectly that I nearly stumbled backward. No matter how much I’d tried to escape the South, it always called me home. I had gotten rid of my accent and worn plain clothes and gotten used to the food elsewhere. And still, Savannah with its Spanish moss and old Colonial squares and cobblestones just was home.
“Same. I miss it,” I said.
Derek turned to face me. His features perfectly illuminated from the lights of the giant paddleboat. Time slowed to a crawl. My heart thudded in my chest. Derek Ballentine was a problem. He was all of the best and worst of me rolled into one ball of conflicted emotions. And still, I wanted him.
“I missed you,” I admitted softly.
“I missed you too.”
I stepped forward, leaning into him. His arm came around my back. And for a moment, we were transported to a different time. When I could have had this whenever I wanted it. When we had been meant to be together.
A butterfly whacked against my stomach as I worked up the courage to look up into his handsome face. He met my gaze. A wanton, pained look in those hazel eyes. He wanted this as much as I did. So, I reached up on my tiptoes to claim the kiss that was within reach.
