Circus Save Me, page 17
“Jesse, I’m so sorry, did I hurt you? It was a stupid idea I just wanted to…” My rambling comes to a stop when I see how he is looking at me.
He is propped up on both elbows, so he can see me better and his hair falls in messy curls over his forehead, almost obscuring his view. His eyes are glued to me, and they are lit with a passion that I have never seen before. Looking at me like he is the luckiest man in the world he slowly shakes his head as a sexy smile crosses his lips.
“You weren't hurting me, Rhea.” His voice low.
“Oh, well in that case…” I trail off before leaning back down to kiss up and down his cock.
I pump my hand around him a few times before placing the tip of him back in mouth. Swirling my tongue around the head I stop when I hear him hissing out a breath. I go to lift my head until I hear him call out.
“Don’t stop! God Rhea, it feels so good.”
Trying to stop the satisfied smile that crosses my lips, I sink deeper onto his cock.
I soon find a rhythm and realize that I like pleasing him in this way. I have all the power here, and there is something very arousing about that.
“Rhea, Firecracker, come here. If you keep going I am going to cum, and I want to be inside you when that happens,” Jesse tells me, his voice tight as he tries to hold himself back.
I sit back on my heels and look at him laying back across the bed like one of those statues they used to have in the museums before the bombs dropped. With a smile, he beckons me forward and I straddle him so my core presses against his cock. We both groan at the contact and lean in to kiss each other at the same time.
This kiss is nothing like last night, last night was about love, this morning it’s a frantic need to feel each other’s bodies.
“Jesse, I need yo-” I begin, dragging my nails down his chest.
“Jesse, are you up? Have you seen Rhea this morning?” Rex’s voice calls from outside the tent.
We still and my face heats with shame. I have been lusting after all of these men, hell, I’ve even kissed all of them and here I am sleeping with Jesse. What am I doing?! I struggle out of Jesse’s arms and hurry for my clothing where it had been discarded around the tent.
“Rhea, wait-” Jesse begins, before cursing as he realises I’m not going to stop.
Tears fill my eyes and threaten to spill as I pull on my shoes and hurry out of the tent. I immediately bump into Rex who reaches out to steady me.
“Woah, Rhea, what’s wrong? Is everything okay?” Rex asks, concern clearly written across his face.
I hear cursing and crashing behind me as Jesse tries to get dressed and follow after me. I need to get some space. I pull from Rex’s arms and hurry away, my clothing sliding off one shoulder from where I’ve thrown them on haphazardly.
“Rhea!” I hear Jesse call after me, his voice catching with something that sounds like panic.
“What did you do to upset her?!” I hear Rex accuse Jesse as I run away.
I can’t be near those guys at the moment, with my shame clearly written across my face. I need to clear my head, get my thoughts straight. How can I be sleeping in Jesse’s arms when I clearly have feelings for the others?
Not just one guy, but five! My head is spinning. The other guys will be disgusted with me when they find out that I want all of them. Sure, I wanted Jesse to be my first, but I couldn’t possibly choose between them, I love them all for different reasons. I pause at that word. Love. Is that what this is? I’ve never loved before, I’ve never ever really had friends, my life in Cinders didn’t allow for that.
My breath is coming in pants as I continue my panicked run through the camp. Coming to a stop, I lean against one of the wagons and slide to the ground, resting my head against my knees. I’m just as bad as those women who whored themselves around Cinders.
When women became so scarce and viewed as a prize or possession, those who were left had two options: adapt or die. Of those who adapted there were some who decided to go with changes, deciding the only way to survive was to give the men what they wanted, their bodies.
Am I really any better than them? Maybe Esme was right, perhaps I am a little whore, sharing myself with all the guys in the circus? Will anyone respect me if I share my body around? I may have been little more than a slave back in Cinders, but I have always been firm that I would not debase myself by using my body in that way. I find that the idea of the guys losing their respect for me is what upsets me the most. Since when did their opinions of me matter so much?
My head rises as something soft brushes across my leg. I smile as I see Sid curled up by my feet. Running my hand through his fur, his purrs comfort me. We stay this way for a while until the sound of footsteps has me looking up again. I am calmer now, accepting of what has happened. I do not regret sleeping with Jesse and I won’t let shame ruin that. If I am branded a whore for how I feel then I will deal with it, but I can’t change the fact that I care for all five of them.
Alcide walks around the side of the wagon and stops when he sees me, his eyes running over my tearstained face and rumpled appearance. I can feel the anger radiating off him and I see his hands balled up into fists.
“I didn’t want to believe it,” he spits out and I flinch at his words.
“Alcide, I’m sorry-” I begin, scrambling to my feet, trying to pull my clothes into place to cover me fully.
“Don’t you dare apologize!” He shouts and I close my eyes shut tight against the tears that threaten to fall again. I hadn’t even considered this. Will Alcide make me leave?
“I couldn’t believe that Jesse would hurt you-” The anger and disbelief in his tone has my eyes opening as I look at him.
“Wait. What?” I ask, confused. Jesse never hurt me, why would he think that?
“Jesse is beside himself. He says that you two had sex and then something happened, and you ran off. He said he hurt you, thought he set off one of your triggers.” Alcide explains, although I can see he is confused at why I’m questioning him.
I want to laugh, but there is nothing funny about this situation.
“Alcide, he didn’t hurt me. Yes, we had sex, but I wanted to, and he didn’t cause a flashback.” I pause and take a deep breath. “I have feelings for all of you-”
“Rhea!” Jesse’s worried voice calls out.
Running around the corner Jesse stops when he sees me, Nixon, Blain, and Rex just behind him. I guess I am going to have to say this in front of them all. Jesse looks a mess; his eyes are red like he has been crying.
“I am so sorry-” he begins before I cut him off by walking up to him and placing a finger to his lips.
“Jesse, you didn’t hurt me,” I say as I take a small step back and look at all of them.
“I ran off because I care for all of you. I don’t really know what love is, but I think this might be it. But I feel it for all of you, and I can’t choose between you. I ran because I realised that, and I am scared of what you will think of me,” I admit, looking at the range of shocked faces.
There is silence for a moment before Jesse pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly. I feel the tension run off him as I hug him back and hear the sigh of relief that he lets loose. Alcide is looking at the other guys before looking back to me, his eyes soft.
“Cariñoa. Nothing could change our opinion of you. I had no idea when you joined the circus that you would have this effect on us. I’m sure it’s not just me, but you have worked your way into our hearts.” I see the others nod in agreement, except for Blain who is leaning against one of the wagons, arms crossed as he watches in silence.
“With how the world is, I don’t think any of us ever thought that we would have someone like you care for us, which is why we are so close, like brothers. We created a family. If you had chosen one of us, then we would have accepted it, I would not deny my brothers that happiness.” He looks at the others again, who once again are nodding in agreement.
“It’s not always going to be easy, but don’t fight your feelings Rhea, we can make this work,” Alcide says before striding towards me and kissing me on the forehead before striding away.
I stand in shock as Jesse hugs me again, emotion shining in his eyes. Rex comes forward and wraps his arms around me.
“You know how I feel about you right?” he asks quietly as he presses his lips softly to mine.
I nod mutely, causing him to smile and pat Jesse on the shoulder.
“Come on Jess, I think you need a drink.” He teases, tugging the younger man with him as they walk away.
I glance at Blain who hasn’t said a word through this entire scene. He is staring at me, an expression I can’t describe on his face. I have no idea what he is thinking. Nodding at me, he pushes away from the wagon and follows after the other guys, leaving me with Nixon.
I look up at the big man and walk slowly towards him. Of all of the guys, Nixon is the one I struggle to read the most. His past has taught him to stay silent, so he is a man of little words. I have learnt to pay attention when he speaks as there is usually a truth behind it. He suffers from triggers, just like I do, and I feel safe around him.
“Nixon,” I say before he closes the gap between us.
He gives me that half smile that I love and takes my hand, walking back though the camp. I am still reeling over the conversation, so I follow him silently as we walk towards his tent. I keep stealing glances at him, trying to gauge his reaction to what just happened but he isn’t giving anything away.
We reach his tent and he holds open the entrance for me before walking over to where he stores his clothes. Pulling out a large shirt he passes it to me along with a pair of training leggings. I gratefully take it, eager to change out of yesterday’s clothes. Nixon turns his back so I can get changed. They are huge on me, the shirt is more like a dress, and I have to roll up the bottom of the leggings, but I feel more comfortable now. I will get changed into my own clothes later, but for now I am enjoying the feeling of Nixon’s clothes against my skin with his scent surrounding me.
“So. About what I said,” I begin, nervously playing with my hands as I watch him turn around.
I feel his approving gaze as he sees me wearing his clothing. He takes a step towards me before kneeling on the floor bringing his face level with mine and I can see the desire in his stare. He brings his head closer to mine and pauses just before my lips, giving me a chance to pull away. Warmth fills me, and I lean forward, pressing my lips gently to his. This kiss is different from kissing the others, this is soft and gentle, the complete opposite of Nixon's appearance. He moves so he is sitting on the end of the bed and placing his hands on my waist he gently tugs me closer to him, so I am straddling his lap. I can feel his erection pressing against me, but he doesn’t hurry the kiss, just lovingly explores my mouth. Bringing one hand to cup my cheek he pulls away, staring into my eyes.
“I love you,” he tells me solemnly.
A soft smile spreads across his face as he registers the shock on mine. This gentle giant who has suffered so much at the hands of others, who has suffered so much that he learnt that talking only brought him pain. The enormity of what he just said fills me, the warmth spreading through me. I am about to reply, to tell him what it means to me that he loves me, when he shakes his head softly, pressing a soft kiss to my lips.
“I know,” he tells me before shifting my weight, so I am sitting on the bed as he walks towards the tent flap.
He turns back to look at me before exiting, love burning in his eyes and a smile I have never seen before on his lips.
I lay back on the bed, dumbstruck at the events of the day, happiness swirling through me making me feel like I am floating. Until a thought crosses my mind that has me crashing back into reality, we are being hunted. Whether we care to admit it or not. Someone is trying to kill us. I will not allow those bastards to kill the men that I love, or these people that I call family. I had thought it the night before, but it rings with clarity now. I need to protect those I care for. We need to fight, and I need to be a part of that. I need to be stronger, I refuse to hide behind them anymore.
I need to protect them, the thought rings in my head again clearer than before. I can’t keep relying on them to always save me, and what if Rex had been really hurt? Or if Blain wasn't there? No, Alcide was right. We need to push ourselves, we need to become who we were meant to be, and I need to do whatever it takes to make sure my family stays safe. I make a quick stop at my tent and change into something a bit more my size. A high necked backless top and some more loose trousers.
Determination lightening my steps as I stride into the big top. It’s empty at this time. No more running, no more hiding, it’s time I become the freak.
A few stage hands stop at the flap when they see me. I throw them a smile and they smile back before bustling around getting everything ready for the next show. Drawing in a deep breath, I straighten my shoulders and jump over the barrier and into the middle of the ring.
Closing my eyes, I draw on my power, the one that runs through my bones, lighting me up - fueling me. How I ever thought I could suppress this I will never know. With it coursing through me, ready to do my every bidding, I have never felt so powerful. Maybe I needed to see the dark and be weak to become strong and live in the light.
Alcide’s words about being more run through my head, pushing me, making me want to do better. Snapping my eyes open, I walk slowly to the ladder that leads to the top of the tent. Climbing it, I don’t bother looking down. I keep my gaze locked on my target. Once I am up there I look ahead, not wanting to chicken out when I see how far below the ground is. I need to do it myself this time, not be pushed or prodded.
Closing my eyes for a second, I send up a little prayer before embracing my power and stepping over the edge of the platform, plummeting to the ground below.
I let the air whiz past me before opening my eyes and swallowing my panic.
I can do this, I am a freak. I am Rhea the immortal.
I tug on my powers and they cry out at being let free, changing my body, I feel it run through me as I adapt to survive the fall.
I land on the sand, my knees bent, and my arms outstretched. Looking over my shoulder, I spot a pair of beautiful multi-coloured wings. Grinning, I turn and start climbing again. It’s harder this time, with the added weight of the wings and halfway up, I have to stop and let the change course through me until I am human again, it was quicker than ever before and in a couple of seconds I am climbing again.
I throw myself off the top of the tent ten more times. Sometimes blindfolded, sometimes backwards until I know with certainty I can draw on my power. Like a muscle that I don’t have to think about.
Now, I face Blain’s weapons and board. I am guessing the hands must have laid it out ready for him to practise. An evil smile lights my lips, I was planning on practising flying, speed, and reacting to the environment but knowing how to use a weapon would be handy.
I palm one of the smaller knives and eye his target, surely I can reach that... right?
I cock my arm back and throw, it lands on the floor not meters away from me. Grimacing, I grab another, adamant that if Blain can do it - I can. I throw five more, each one no closer than the first, until I am angry at myself. How can I protect those I care about if I can’t even throw a knife!
Picking up a bigger one, the anger coursing through me, I cock back my arm and my power bursts forth as I let the blade fly. I watch in shock as it embeds in the centre of the target. Blinking, I stare at it as I hear laughter from behind me.
“Fucking hell, thought I was going to be here all day, Harpy, before you hit that thing. Not bad, now do it again.” Blain grins, the scowl nowhere to be seen as pride shines in his eyes. It seems we have come to some sort of understanding. I smile before turning around and selecting another blade. I throw it, but it falls with the others to the floor.
Hot breath fans over the back of my neck making me shiver, I go to turn again when his hands bracket my thighs and he whispers in my ear.
“No, you need to let your powers free. Get angry, get horny, whatever it takes for you to throw like before until it becomes second nature. You are going to throw it again and again until you can hit that bullseye without even looking.”
I go to protest and his hands dig into my hips stopping my mouth from opening.
“Yes, Harpy you will. I will not have you weak, useless, and a danger to my family.”
I freeze, my body hardening. I had let down my walls, and he's right back to being a dick. I clench my jaw and debate stabbing him with his own knives. He must feel my intent because he laughs before biting my neck, hard.
I gasp and stumble, but he holds me upright.
“I am not saying it to be an asshole, it's the truth. You might not like it, but I will never sugar coat things. Now throw the fucking knife Harpy.”
“I can’t!” I cry out, “Not with you right behind me.”
“You will. You think those hunters are just going to stand still and wait for you to line up your aim?” He growls before pushing me into the table, hard enough to rattle the knives. “They won’t go soft on you, they will attack you and they will kill you. So, I want to see that determination I saw when you flung yourself off the top platform ten minutes ago. Pick up the fucking knife and throw it.”
Gritting my teeth, I do as he said, only for it to fall short.
“Again,” he demands harshly.
I do, time and time again. Each time he gets angrier with me, and me with him until I can feel the tension between us. I don’t know whether to stab him or kiss him.
“Maybe you are useless, maybe Esme was right about you,” he drawls, and the blow hits me before fury ignites in my body.
Yelling, I pick up a knife and throw, it hits the board right next to my other one.
Blain laughs and brackets me with his arms on the table. “Good, I like that fire, Harpy.” He runs his nose down my throat before pulling away and leaving me and my confused body wishing he would have carried on. “Again,” he says sternly.
