Circus Save Me, page 14
I gesture for Jesse to look away and I quickly strip, putting on one of Nixon's shirts he left me. It acts like a dress and I am not ashamed to say I sniff it. Feeling exposed, I climb over Jesse and slide under the covers. He turns to face me, our heads sharing the same pillow. This close it’s easy to remember how beautiful he is, but with his hair all pushed back and him tucked under the covers he looks younger too.
“You okay?” he asks softly.
It’s a hard question, so much has happened today, I feel overwhelmed. I’ve been trying to push it away, to forget, but Jesse’s question brings it all back and I burst into tears before I can help myself.
“Hey, it’s going to be okay, Firecracker. You’re safe now.” He grabs me and pulls me into the circle of his arms. He lets me cry it all out on his chest, my hands curled around him like a safety blanket. I bury my head further into his chest, his steady heartbeat calming my tears. He runs his hand through my hair, whispering reassurances until my tears stop and I’m just curled around him.
“Sorry,” I mumble, unwilling to move away.
“For what?”
“Your chest is all wet,” I hiccup.
He laughs, shaking me as his hand lands on my hip.
“I think I will live, plus I have nothing to complain about. I have a beautiful woman in my arms.”
I smile into his chest and run my hands along his side. He sucks in a breath, and I can hear his heartbeat speed up.
“I don’t pretend to know how you are feeling right now. What you went through today…” He trails off, a kiss landing on the top of my head.
“If you need to cry, if you need to scream, talk, hit me, whatever. Do it. But holding it in isn't healthy, you need to feel it and then try to move on. We- I- will help you the whole time.” His voice is strong and sure and lends me his strength to tackle how I am feeling.
I just feel so violated, two times now a man has thought he had the right to touch me without consent. To take what I didn't offer. To them I was nothing more than an object for their lust. But I don't think talking will help, there's nothing anyone can say that will make this better, that will make me feel less dirty, less used, less powerless. I know what I want, now I just need to be strong enough to take it for myself. I lift my head until my eyes meet his.
He smiles gently, his hand coming up to hold my cheek.
“Help me,” I whisper.
“Just tell me how,” He pleads, his eyes searching mine for answers.
“Make me forget,” I beg, searching his eyes.
He freezes, not even breathing as he watches me. His eyes bore into mine, asking me to tell him I am serious. That this is what I want.
“Rhea, I don't think it’s a good idea. You’ve had a bad couple of days, I don't want to take advantage of you.”
I shake my head, “Never. I’m not saying we need to… but just let me forget. For now, help me lose myself so I don't dwell on this pain unfurling inside of me. Screaming at me, cutting me up inside with the feeling of their hands on me, with their mouths and words. I was nothing to them Jesse, just another thing to own. To control and have. I know you're different, I can see the caring in your eyes. You need to help me, so please just… help me forget, just for tonight.”
I don’t know what he sees in my eyes, but he smiles softly at me.
“Okay, Firecracker,” he murmurs. He cups my cheek again, his warmth making me close my eyes.
His lips meet mine, gentle and soft. Like a butterfly, they flutter over mine. Making me chase him before he hardens them. The feeling of his skin against mine pulls a gasp from my lips, and he slips his tongue in. My hand grabs his chest, as he dominates my mouth. All thoughts, memories, everything slips away until it is only me and him.
I pull away panting, his eyes are unfocused when they flutter open and his lips are pink.
Before he can move, I press my lips to his. As we kiss, he moves over me, until I’m lying on my back with him using his forearms to hold his weight off me. He pulls away, his weight comforting me in a foreign way.
“I’ve never…” I whisper, my cheeks heating for a whole other reason. His eyebrow raises.
“Really? I just mean with you being a woman and… Never mind.” He bites his lower lip as he watches me, our bodies still pushed together.
“If I tell you something, promise you won’t laugh?” he asks, looking embarrassed.
“Always,” I agree instantly.
“I'm a virgin too,” he admits, his voice strong even as his face heats.
My eyes widen. “But you always seem so…”
“I know. I just never found the right girl, it’s not like there are many options.”
“Are you saying that I am the right girl?” I hold my breath as his eyes search mine.
“Yes.” His lips descend, and I meet him halfway.
We don’t take it any further than that, just spending the night kissing and talking until I fall asleep in Jesse's arms. When I wake up in the morning, I smile at his sleeping face. Wiggling, I sigh sadly before leaving the bed and quickly getting dressed.
“Where are you going?” Jesse's half-asleep voice asks from behind me. I tie my boot and turn to see him. The cover is at his waist, showing off his impressive naked chest. His hair is spiked all over and he is smiling softly. The sight makes me falter at how perfect he looks.
I saunter up to him and drop a kiss on his lips. As I go to pull away, he grabs the back of my head and deepens it. I have to drop my hands to his chest to balance myself as I moan into his mouth.
Squealing, I land on my back as he pulls me down on the bed and hovers over me. I giggle at the mischievous look in his eyes.
“I might keep you here all day,” he says through a grin, his lips meeting mine again.
“Time to go! Everyone up!” Comes a shout from outside.
We both groan and look at each other like naughty children.
“Want to hide in here all day?” I whisper. He smiles at me as we hear people starting to move.
“If I thought I could get away with it, I would. Time to get up, Firecracker, stop being lazy will you,” he says before kissing me again. I gape at him before grabbing the pillow and hitting him with it.
We both laugh as we fight over the pillow, trying to hit each other.
“Are you two having a pillow fight?”
We freeze and look at the tent flap at the same time to see Rex. He laughs as Jesse jumps up and races at him with it. They both fight over the pillow as I get up and start packing. Eventually, they call a truce and help me.
We pack up quickly, Rex and Jesse helping. Each time they pass me something their touch lingers, and they make sure to throw me smiles every now and again. Even Nixon comes to check on me, even Blain is hovering where he thinks I can't see him. Eventually, everything is ready, and we set off for the next town. I just hope the next settlement is better.
I’m sitting in the back of one of the carriages as we travel to the next settlement, Jesse and Nixon are with me. They think I can’t see but they keep throwing me anxious glances when they think I’m not looking. Jesse is regaling Nixon with some story about the first time he rode in a carriage. I’m not really paying attention, my head leaning against the side of the wagon as we travel, my eyes running over the barren landscape as his voice washes over me. I didn’t sleep much last night, and I feel weary today. So, I guess it’s not that much of a surprise when my eyes droop and the swaying of the carriage lulls me to sleep.
Hands are all over me, holding me down, prying at my clothes, tearing them off of me, and exposing me for all to see. I can feel his hot acrid breath along my neck, making me want to gag as he grinds himself against me. I look around the room and realise I’m back at the breeders building, they got me again. I thrash in the bed and I can hear the clanking of a chain, so I know that I’m trapped again.
“Get off me. You’re dead, you can’t own me anymore,” I cry out, my words sounding desperate.
I watched Nixon kill the man, how could I be back here? I see him lean back and sneer at me, licking his lips as he grinds his arousal against my leg.
“I may be dead, but you’re a woman, you will always belong to someone. Today, that someone is me.”
His hands grasp at me again, pulling down my leggings and horror fills me at the prospect of what is to come.
“No!”
“Rhea!” A voice shouts my name and I startle awake.
Panting, I look around, unsure where I am or what is going on. Where has the breeder gone? I can hear Jesse talking to me and I focus on his face, his voice.
“Focus, you know us, you are safe. Tell me, who am I?” He asks me.
I take a deep breath and try to centre myself, focus on the things I do know. “You’re Jesse, this is Nix.” My voice comes out small and scratchy like I’ve been screaming.
I see him nod, his smile widening. “Good, do you know where we are?”
I look around again and see we are in one of the circus carriages, we were travelling to the next settlement. We have stopped now, so we must have arrived.
“We are travelling with Alcide’s Circus, we had to move because of the attack.”
Jesse’s face drops slightly at the mention of the attack, but he nods, acknowledging my statement. I realise that I am in Nixon’s lap, his arms tight around me, his large hand gently stroking my hair.
“Why am I in Nixon’s lap?” I ask. I’m not complaining, I feel safe, I’m just unsure how I ended up here.
“You were screaming in your sleep,” he tells me, as Nixon rubs his hand up and down my back to comfort me. I lean back in his arms, feeling safe with the giant of a man holding me.
“Alright, we are here, everybody out!” I hear Alcide’s voice call, followed by groans as everyone hops out and gets to work.
“Sorry,” I whisper as I climb out of Nixon's arms and jump out of the carriage.
Jesse jumps out behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder to stop me before pulling me in for a hug.
“Nothing to be sorry for, Firecracker,” he whispers in my ear before rushing off to help unpack.
Several hours later, all of the tents are up, including mine, which has now been fixed. I’m still not sure I can sleep in there alone after everything that happened, but we will see. One day at a time. Alcide interrupts my musing as he strides towards me.
“Cariñoa, meet the others at the training mats,” he orders before striding away.
I look over at Nixon who is on Rhea duty and raise my eyebrows in question. He shrugs at me and we walk over to the training area, Nixon gently taking my hand in his. Since the attack, everyone is on what Jesse likes to call ‘Rhea duty’, so there is someone with me at all times. Ever since Nixon saved me, I have felt the safest around him, but I know he has his own issues, especially about being touched. I probably would have stayed in his tent, but I didn’t know how he would react with me being that close to him, invading his space whilst he slept. He instinctively knew where to find me, and I know he won't let anyone hurt me whilst we are together.
The training mats have been moved into a smaller version of the big top. These are usually outside under a cover, so I wonder why we are suddenly training inside a tent. The other guys are here when we arrive, they smile and walk over to me, except Blain who is scowling as usual. Alcide steps forward and claps his hands to get our attention.
“Thank you for coming. We have moved training to the tent to keep your abilities secret. There have been too many ‘accidents’ and I want to keep everyone's acts and training secret until we know who we can trust again.” We all nod in agreement. “We are going to be pushing your abilities. I know you can all do more than you are currently. Ever since Rhea arrived you have been developing your powers, we need to expand these,” he continues.
Blain snorts and we all look over at him. “Why? So, you can earn more money from us?” he asks bluntly, and I can see he has struck a nerve with Alcide.
“No. So you can save your own sorry ass. These attacks are coming on thick and fast, you need to know what you can do to protect yourselves,” Alcide replies, his voice harsh.
There were grumbles but eventually everyone agreed, we needed to know how we could protect ourselves in case these attacks kept coming. We spend all afternoon in that tent and it’s gruelling work. When we are not practicing our powers with Alcide, we are lifting weights with Nixon or fight training. For me, that involves learning self-defense. The old cook that I had known in Cinders had once shown me where to stab a man that would keep him down for good if I was attacked, but I don’t want to kill anyone, so I’ve never used the knowledge.
The guys take turns to teach me how to defend myself. Jesse teaches me how to get out of various holds, using Nixon as an ‘attacker.’ Rex shows me some grappling training and how to throw a punch without breaking my thumb. Even Blain helps out, showing me how to use a knife, even if he said it’s because he didn’t trust me with a knife unless he taught me how to use it. I have a couple of flashbacks during the training, usually when I am pinned to the ground or I’m unable to use my arms. The guys help me through it, Nixon just holds me gently whilst Rex and Jesse talk me through it. Their comforting touches and words of reassurance help me ground myself to the here and now.
“Rhea, you’re up!” Alcide calls me from across the tent.
I walk over to the makeshift ring and step over the hay bales that line it. There are no lights in here, so lanterns are lined up along the edges of the ring, giving us enough light to train by. I smile nervously at Alcide, I’m a little worried about what he is going to have me do. My powers revolve around me protecting myself, which means that I have to be put in danger to work on them.
Alcide gestures at someone at the edges of the tent and two stagehands wheel in a glass tank filled with water. There is a lid on top, which looks like it locks in place. Dread fills me as I look at Alcide.
“Don’t look so nervous Cariñoa, everything will be fine and if anything goes wrong, we are here,” he says it so simply.
“You’re not the one that is going to have to drown though,” I mutter, looking at the tank of water again. “I can’t swim Alcide, let alone breath underwater!” I cry out, my nerves getting the better of me.
“That has yet to be seen, Cariñoa. I trust in your abilities, you should too. You need to know if you can do this,” he tells me, and I can understand where he is coming from.
I bite my lower lip and nod slightly in agreement, walking up to the tank. A small step ladder has been placed there and I climb it, pausing at the top to look at Alcide again.
“Just don’t let me drown, okay?” I ask, pleased that my voice doesn’t shake with the fear that I am feeling.
“I would never let anything happen to you, Cariñoa,” he says softly, for my ears only.
I give him a tight smile and swing my legs into the tank.
“Wait, what is she doing? Why is there a tank of water?” I can hear Rex ask, a note of concern in his voice.
Before I get the chance to back out of it, I jump into the water, pulling the lid with me. The shock of being surrounded by water hits me and I get memories of being back in the lake when I didn’t know which way was up. I open my eyes and can see the guys running towards Alcide, their arms waving and even through the water I can hear they are shouting. My eyes sting and my lungs burn, I need air. My feet touch to the bottom of the tank and I push up, arms reaching for the top of the tank. Only to feel glass, the lid is stuck. I can’t get out. Panic sets in as I search for a way out, banging against the glass in a futile attempt to break it. A hand appears on the glass next to me and I focus on the face. Blain. He is saying something. I try to get my panicked air deprived brain to pay attention to what he is saying.
“Change! Come on you, lazy bitch! Change!” He is shouting, but his eyes look worried.
That can’t be right, I must have water on the brain. Ha. That’s funny… My vision is starting to go dark and the shouting outside increases when a sharp pain across my neck brings my attention back. All of a sudden, I can breathe, although that’s not quite the word for it. I open my eyes and am shocked that I can see better, my eyes not stinging from the water.
Arms reach into the water and pull me out, dropping me on the floor as I cough and splutter, suddenly finding it hard to breathe again. I look down and see my fingers are webbed and when I touch the burning on my neck I find slits there, like...gills. My body tingles and I gasp for breath as my body changes back to my human form. I lay where I am on the floor for a bit, the guys close around me, watching me with nervous eyes.
“I turned into a fish?!” I say, not quite believing what just happened.
The guys let out relieved laughs and Nixon helps me to my feet.
“I knew you could do it, Cariñoa.” Alcide’s voice calls to me, a pleased smile on his face. “Now let's try-”
“No,” I say, spinning on my heel and walking to the side of the ring. “I nearly drowned Alcide! I’m not doing it again,” I say, anger filling me. I know it’s not his fault, but I am fed up with feeling like my life is constantly in danger.
“Rhea, you need to do this,” he says, his voice hardening with command.
“I won't, I need a break.” I reach the hay bales and step one leg over.
An arm grabs me, pulling me to a stop and spinning me around. Alcide is about to say something as I lose my balance. I stumble back trying to steady myself when I knock into one of the lanterns. I hear a smash and then everything goes white as I am engulfed in flames.
Heat engulfs me, and I can’t see anything beyond the fire that is blazing along my skin. The fire roars blocking out any other sound apart from my frantic heartbeat, smashing against my chest like a trapped bird. Panic runs through me until I realise that I’m not in any pain. Sure, the fire is hot, but it’s bearable. What on earth is going on?
My clothing was wet when I crashed into the lantern, so it couldn’t have caught fire, which means that it must have been me that caught on fire. I look down at my skin, although glowing like embers I see that the flames aren't actually touching my skin, they are dancing just above it.
