I arrived at Jonah’s laden down with gifts, so much so, I could hardly see where I was walking as I approached his handsome brick house with white lights, courtesy of me, strung across his front porch. It brought me some peace and warmth just thinking about the day we put them up together. Whitney’s face had split into a huge smile when she flipped the switch and the twinkle lights reflected in her beautiful eyes. Maybe I didn’t need to know the man of my past to move forward with the man who opened his door half grinning and half harried.

  “You’re here,” he said, relieved, while taking boxes and bags out of my hands.

  “I’m sorry, I’m late.” I didn’t mention the letter. I had already texted him that it hadn’t come. I texted everyone else too, though I had received phone calls from my friends and grandparents. I let them all go to voicemail. I knew if I talked to anyone about it, the tears would flow and maybe never stop.

  Jonah gave me a quick peck and headed for the tree to deposit every gift except for Whitney’s doll. I was keeping that in my car until after she went to bed tonight. I followed Jonah but was stopped right outside his kitchen, while he went straight to the tree.

  Whitney ran to me and hugged my legs. “You’re here,” she said excitedly. She had no idea what that meant to me in the moment.

  I knelt and hugged her. “Hi, sweet girl. Don’t you look gorgeous.” She was wearing the cute denim dress I’d bought for her last week when I happened to run across it. And for some fun, I’d gotten her tights with reindeer on them.

  “It’s a lot of denim,” a disapproving voice I hadn’t heard in a long time said.

  It was then I looked up and realized I was being stared down by three people who didn’t seem to approve of the moment I was having with Whitney. I stood slowly and took Whitney’s hand. I needed her to ground me while I faced her grandparents and mom.

  Jonah’s mother, Carol Adkinson, was the one who had lobbed the offending comment my way. She stood with her arms folded and her brow so furrowed she resembled a Pug, but her attitude was all Pit Bull. I would have said she was an attractive woman with her long silver hair and trim figure, but the angry waves coming off her made her ugly to me. But I would be cordial for Whitney’s and Jonah’s sake.

  “It’s nice to see you again, Mr. and Mrs. Adkinson.” I turned to Eliza, who I could tell was trying to put on a reasonable face, but by the way her jaw was pulsing, I knew she wasn’t the same woman from Thanksgiving who wanted to be my friend. The way she was staring at Whitney’s hand in mine said she’d like to chop off my hand and throw it in the garbage disposal. “And it’s nice to see you as well, Eliza. I hope you had a good flight.” I hoped she’d have an even better one to wherever she was going next, but I kept that to myself.

  She flexed her fingers like she was counting in her head, trying to compose herself. She looked stunning while doing it. She’d pulled out all the stops and looked amazing in a sleek cream pant suit that fit her like a glove. I felt drab compared to her.

  “My flight was excellent. Thank you for asking,” she stiffly replied, not bothering with any other pleasantries.

  When Jonah finally joined us outside his kitchen, he wrapped his arm around me. “Mom, Dad, you remember Ariana, right?” He tried to ease the tension that was strung tight now between what looked like two camps. One for me, and one that would like to see me lose everything.

  Jonah’s dad, Paul, at least, had some manners. He buttoned his charcoal corduroy jacket and ran a hand over his balding head before walking my way. He stuck out his hand. “I’m glad you could finally join us.” He had to add a jab in there.

  I took his soft looking, age-spotted hand and shook it anyway. “I’m sorry I’m late,” I apologized again and for the last time.

  Carol began untying her apron. “I don’t understand why we had to wait on a package. It couldn’t have been that important.” She threw her apron on the counter and grabbed a serving dish.

  I wanted to yell that she had no idea what she was talking about, but Jonah beat me to the punch. “Mom, it wasn’t just any package, and we aren’t going to discuss it further.”

  He had no idea how much I appreciated his candor and the fact that it sounded like he hadn’t mentioned what I was waiting for. I could only imagine what his dentist parents would think of that.

  Carol tsked.

  Eliza spun on her heels. “We should eat.”

  “Excellent idea,” Paul agreed.

  Paul, Carol, and Eliza each grabbed a dish from the kitchen counter and headed toward the table in the kitchen nook, which was decorated to look like a fancy five-star restaurant in white table linens and crystal candlesticks. I knew those weren’t Jonah’s. Did his parents pack that kind of stuff in their luggage? Weird.

  “I want to sit by Arianna,” Whitney announced, which I loved, but I knew it wasn’t helping my cause.

  Eliza slammed a silver platter onto the table. It was full of unrecognizable green leafy things that looked less like food and more like she had gone out to the forest near Jonah’s home and foraged.

  “As long as I can sit on the other side of you,” Eliza tried to sound lighthearted, but she sounded more like a razor blade.

  I looked up at Jonah and his eyes said, hang in there with me. What my grandma said about showing them who I was sounded in my head. And in a couple of hours, it would only be Whitney, Jonah, and me in Christmas dinosaur pajamas, binging on cookies and movies. I could do this. Maybe? The helpless little girl in me kept wanting to come out. I held her back, took Jonah’s hand, and let him lead us to the firing squad, I mean table.

  Whitney did, indeed, sit next to me. Thankfully, Jonah took my other side. Unfortunately, that meant I was staring straight at his parents across the round table. They looked between me and Jonah like I was their worst nightmare come to life. Then they looked at Eliza with pity. Did they even care that it was Eliza who’d left Jonah? Or that she hardly saw her daughter and couldn’t even find the time to call her regularly?

  Jonah cleared his throat once everyone was seated. “I’m glad you could all be here. And thank you to everyone who,” he looked at the spread in front of him, “helped with the, uh, food.”

  I had a feeling he would be eating a lot of cookies later.

  “I hope it isn’t cold,” his mother spewed.

  “It will be fine,” Jonah’s tone said to knock it off. That made his mom glare at me.

  For a small moment, I thought I might survive. While everyone was filling their plates, Eliza, Carol, and Paul seemed content to talk amongst themselves about world news and politics, which I wasn’t touching with a ten-foot pole. But once everyone started eating, Carol and Paul wanted to show Jonah what he was missing out on with Eliza, while also showcasing the differences between Eliza and me.

  “Eliza, I heard from your mother that there was a write-up about you in Forbes Magazine. I’m going to need a copy of that,” Carol gushed.

  Eliza flashed me a grin before she responded. “Yes. I was asked to take part in an exposé about unstoppable women. It will be out next quarter.”

  “I’m going to get ten copies. We always said you were a winner.” Carol gave Jonah a meaningful look.

  I got it. She meant I was a loser. Well, this loser was going to focus on what was important in her life—the people she loved. And swallowing down the roasted broccoli that hadn’t been seasoned at all. Hadn’t these people ever heard of salt?

  “Did you have fun with Tabitha yesterday at the children’s museum?” I asked Whitney.

  Whitney’s eyes lit up. “We played chess with pieces as tall as me. And I won.”

  “That’s amazing. I’m proud of you.”

  My praise for Whitney got Eliza’s attention. “Whitney, tell me what you learned there.” Eliza gave me a condescending look as if I had no idea how to deal with a child.

  Whitney thought for a moment. Her lips began to quiver. “Well, I . . .”

  “It’s okay, honey,” Jonah entered the fray. “Sometimes it’s good just to have fun.”

  Whitney’s tiny shoulders sagged. “I did paint.” Poor thing didn’t want to disappoint her mother.

  Jonah scowled at Eliza.

  Eliza squared her shoulders and gave Jonah a pointed look. I, on the other hand, put my arm around Whitney. “I can’t wait to see your painting.”

  Whitney looked up at me with her big green eyes. “It’s a picture of you and me decorating the Christmas tree. I painted the clothespin dolls we made.”

  I tapped her nose and almost cried. That was the sweetest thing. “I bet it’s the best picture ever.”

  Controlled Eliza dropped her fork and it clanged against the fine china—which was also not Jonah’s. I’m not sure how all this froufrou stuff got here, but it was of little consequence now that the holy war had begun.

  “I did not realize how crafty you are,” Eliza said curtly.

  “Jonah said you were still making stained glass for a living. I didn’t even know that was a viable profession anymore.” Carol turned up her nose at me. I guess that meant they were going to hate their presents from me. Why I ever thought I should bother, I didn’t know. I would keep the mosaics for myself.

  I squeezed Jonah’s thigh under the table. “It pays the bills, but thank you for your concern.” My sarcasm lit an unquenchable fire making Carol’s gloves come off.

  Carol wiped her mouth with a white linen napkin. “Where do you learn to do something like that?”

  “At the hand of my grandma.” I was proud to admit.

  “Oh, that’s right, I forgot you didn’t go to school.” She smiled in that condescending sort of way.

  “Mom,” Jonah’s tone warned her, “don’t go down this road.”

  “What road is that? The one where you’re throwing your life away? Look at you, with an earring and making a third of the money you were back in Connecticut. All for what?” Carol glowered at me.

  In that moment, I felt smaller than I had in a long time, but then I remembered that I wasn’t a child anymore. I wasn’t helpless. I did like Dr. Morales said and listed in my head all the things I had in my power. On top of my list was the ability to walk, and transportation. I pushed my chair back, making it screech against the tile floor, and stood. “I’ll be going now.”

  Jonah grabbed my hand. “Please don’t go,” he pled. He whipped his head toward his parents and Eliza and addressed them. “Don’t make me choose. You won’t like the outcome.”

  I hated this. I would never make Jonah choose. “Merry Christmas, everyone.” I leaned down and kissed Whitney’s head. “I love you.” The words fell out of my mouth so naturally. But it was true, I did love her, and it was why I was going to leave. I refused to cause any rifts in her family. “I hope Santa Claus is good to you tonight.”

  “She knows there is no such person,” Eliza scolded me. “Only uneducated people believe in such nonsense.”

  “I guess it’s a good thing I’m not as smart as you then.” I walked out of the kitchen with my head held high, but inside I felt small. I felt like that girl back in second grade who wore the same dirty clothes to school every day.

  Jonah was hot on my heels. I made it to the front door before he grabbed my hand. “Ariana, don’t go. You belong here.”

  I looked around his beautiful home. The pit in my stomach deepened. The little girl inside of me with greasy hair wanted to shrivel inside herself. “You know, I don’t think I do. I think today was a sign. I’m not meant to move on, and I don’t belong in your world. I never did.”

  “That’s not true.”

  He was wrong. I grabbed my bag and threw open his door. He followed me out into the thirty-degree weather in his bare feet. I marched toward my car and popped the trunk with my key fob. I retrieved Whitney’s doll, carefully wrapped in a silver box with a big red bow. I handed it to Jonah.

  “This is Whitney’s doll.”

  Jonah refused to take it. “You can put it under the tree with me tonight.”

  “I won’t be here,” my voice was as unsteady as I felt. “Take it.” I held it out farther.

  He still refused. “I’ll go kick my parents and Eliza out right now.”

  “No, you won’t. Not in front of Whitney, and not on my account.”

  “What do you mean on your account? It’s on my account. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You and Whitney mean more to me than anyone.”

  I looked up at the clear night sky. I swear the bright stars were blinking out a message that said the universe was against me. Hadn’t it always been, since my birth? “We aren’t meant to last. We never were,” I choked out.

  “Dammit, Ariana, why are you always looking for an excuse to push me away?”

  I met his furious eyes. The heavy breaths he was forcing out swirled in the cold air, making him look even angrier.

  “I don’t need to look for them. It’s just our reality.”

  He threw his hands up. “Fine. I’m done trying to convince you. If you want me, I’ll be here. But you’re going to have to decide once and for all.”

  I felt like the world already had. I shoved the box at him. “Goodbye, Jonah.”

  His wide eyes said he couldn’t believe I was leaving, but he determinedly took the box. “Goodbye, Ariana.” He said it with such soul crushing finality I could hardly catch my breath.

  Hot tears stung my cold cheeks while the universe laughed. It got what it wanted. It made sure I got my return in for the day. Never, though, had it felt like I’d returned my heart along with the letter.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The stupid note I’d left the courier was on the door when I returned home. I ripped it off and crumpled it before tossing it down the hall. I walked into the loft to find it eerily quiet. I’d never felt so alone. I kept telling myself it was better this way. Better to return Jonah before it went any further, but I didn’t feel better at all. I failed therapy. Or maybe therapy failed me.

  I thought today was the day I would get my Christmas wish. That I would be free to love and be loved. That’s what I always really wanted for Christmas every year. Maybe I asked for it in presents I never got, but those gifts represented the ache I had in my life to be truly loved. Once again, I would be going to bed on Christmas Eve knowing there would be no Christmas magic come morning. The tree would be metaphorically empty.

  I didn’t even bother putting on pajamas. All I did was turn off my phone, crawl into bed, snuggle in deep under my covers, and curl into a ball. One good thing my childhood had taught me how to do was fall asleep under any circumstance. It was like I had selective narcolepsy; it was my body’s defense mechanism. While things weren’t always better in the morning, it at least meant I got at least eight hours of not having to live whatever pain I was experiencing. When I was little it meant I was free of the fighting and drinking. If I was lucky enough, it meant waking up to my mom’s husband or boyfriend being gone for the day, or gone for good, in some instances.

  Tonight it would mean not feeling small and inferior, not feeling at all. I didn’t think I could take the gnawing pain in my chest where my heart once beat. All that was there now was a desolate abyss. I closed my eyes and let sleep overtake me. Tomorrow I would feel the full loss of Jonah.

  I didn’t know how long I slept, but when I woke, it didn’t feel like I had gotten in a full night of reprieve. My room was too dark, and I was groggy. But maybe I was dreaming because I could feel Jonah. He was stroking my brow and brushing back my hair. He sounded unwell; his voice was hoarse.

  “Ariana,” he whispered over and over again. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing this tortuous dream to go away. I couldn’t afford to love him even in my dreams.

  “Ariana,” his voice came again, but this time it was accompanied by a kiss.

  My eyes flew open. I could make out a man’s shape kneeling near my bed, outlined in darkness. “Jonah,” I squeaked, “who let you in here?”

  “I called Dani and told her what happened tonight, and she let me in. I’m sorry to wake you, but it couldn’t wait until morning.”

  Panic overtook me, and I pushed myself up, propping half my body up on my pillows. “Is someone hurt? Whitney?”

  He raised himself, but still remained on his knees. He ran the back of his hand down my damp cheek. I must have cried myself to sleep. “Shh. Everyone is fine.”

  I pulled my knees up to my chest. “Then why are you here?” His words rang loud in my head that he was tired of the chase. I could hardly blame him, even though I never meant for him to feel like I had him on the run.

  He sat on the edge of my bed. It was then in the dim light from under the door I noticed his eyes were brighter than normal because they were bloodshot.

  “Have you been crying?” I asked.

  “Would you think me less of a man if I said yes?”

  “Of course not.” I rested my head on my knees. “Why have you been crying?”

  “Because,” he scooted closer, waves of heat rolling off him, “I promised you I would fight for you, and tonight I didn’t. I broke my promise to you.”

  “I’m the one who left.” I paused. “Just go home,” I begged. I couldn’t take the hope his presence brought.

  His strong hand rested on my cheek. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Where’s Whitney?” emotion crept into my voice.

  “She’s home, sound asleep with my parents and her mother,” he growled.

  I stiffened at the mention of his parents and ex.

  His thumb brushed across my cheek. “I’m so sorry for the way they treated you. For the way I treated you.”

  “You? What did you do?”

  “I knew you were upset about the letter not coming. I was stressed because of my parents and Eliza. I should have told them to all go to hell and brought Whitney over here.”

  I closed my eyes. “Tonight was a good reminder. I don’t fit into your world. Your parents are never going to like me, and I’ve had enough of people who don’t want me or like me. I have a father and five stepfathers who never wanted me. I don’t need a future mother-in-law and father-in-law who despise me. Or an ex-wife who thinks I’m below her.”

 

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