Bittersweet, page 17
Two weeks later, Jenna decided to take a leap by going home again while Jayden was at school. With pulse pounding, heart racing, and hands shaking, she was finally able to breathe again seeing that Tyler’s car was nowhere in sight. She knew she couldn’t avoid him forever, but right now, “out of sight, out of mind” was the best she could manage.
As she walked in, she felt as though she was having a panic attack. Heat spread to her face, she started sweating, her hands shook, and her heart felt as if it were ready to leap from her chest.
“Hello,” she called out to ensure she was alone.
No answer.
Trying to steady her breathing, Jenna stopped at the stairs and turned toward the scene of the nightmare from a few weeks ago. Now empty, the living room still looked like it had on that day. Magazines from the coffee table were scattered on the floor. Alex had knocked them over when Tyler had thrown her off him the first time. She closed her eyes as they began to water. A sudden burst of anger mixed with a pure rush of adrenaline consumed her then, and she charged for the kitchen. She grabbed the largest knife she could find and went back to the living room.
“In my house!” she screamed. “On my fucking couch!”
She stabbed and shredded it while shrieking and crying, finally able to release some of the rage. Jenna backed up, admiring her temporary lapse in sanity. Boy, it felt good. She loathed that bitch for what she’d done but was disgusted with herself for not being able to hate Tyler just as much.
She screamed again, letting the knife drop from her hands, and realized she needed the couch out of her sight. It represented Tyler’s betrayal and all of the loss she’d endured. Charging forward, she lifted it easily and was able to pull it to the curb to be taken away with the rest of the trash. Thank God for the effects of an adrenaline rush, she thought. She felt too good to worry about the stares she’d received from the neighbors or how sore she would be later. The new renovation was good, and she smiled when reentering the house. As she imagined Tyler’s expression at seeing the destroyed couch on the curb, her smile turned into a humorless laugh. So much for him not knowing she’d stopped by.
She went upstairs to pack another suitcase and realized how tiring it all was, and missed being at home. Jenna sat on the bed and admired the picture on the nightstand—the three of them from a happier time. She picked it up and ran her fingers lovingly over the image. They were on the beach, and Jayden sat in front of them with a shovel and pail. He was about two at the time, and Jenna was laughing while wrapped inside Tyler’s arms. Tyler’s face was partially covered because he was kissing her throat. He was smirking and looked like a man absolutely infatuated. Looking at it only made her wonder more about what had gone wrong. Had Tyler strayed because something was lacking in her?
Sighing, she threw the picture in the suitcase. That one was a keeper, and she told herself she’d pull it out every time she felt the urge to strangle Tyler.
She only noticed the faded picture on Tyler’s pillow as she zipped up the suitcase, and she gasped as soon as she realized what it was of. Fingers and toes and the cute little button nose. She held it close and sobbed again.
Good God, she was tired of crying.
“I have the same reaction. I look at it every night. It’s a constant reminder of what I’ve done to you, and I’ll never forgive myself for it.”
Tyler moved through the doorway and didn’t stop until he sat beside her on the bed. “Jenna, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, reaching up to touch her, but he pulled back before he did.
She was too emotional to voice it, but she actually believed he was sorry now that she saw him again. He loved Jayden so much, and she knew he would never have intentionally hurt him, at least. She leaned forward for comfort, needing to be held and hating that she needed him right then. Wrapping her arms around him tight, she sobbed her grief into his shoulder. Out of everything, the loss of their child had been the hardest to cope with. Accident or not, she’d held him responsible for everything and couldn’t let that go.
“I know what I’ve done is inexcusable. I understand that,” he whispered. “You were right to blame me for the baby and everything else. I just wish I could take it all back. I’d do anything to fix this.” He kissed the top of her head. “Hell, this was my first attempt at going back to work, and I couldn’t even make it through the day.” He held up a large envelope in one of his hands. “They just served me with the divorce papers.”
Her eyes widened as she glanced at the envelope and then saw for the first time that he had tears rolling down his cheeks too. “Not only am I losing my wife, I feel like I’m losing my best friend too. You’ve been that to me for years. I need you to know that, and I also need to know if you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me.”
“Tyler, I…” It was so hard to answer. Was it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time? Because that’s how she felt.
“It’s okay. I’m not entirely sure I actually want an answer to that right now.” He tried unsuccessfully to smile. “If this is what you want, it’s the least I can give you.” He took the papers out of the envelope and placed them on the night table, then signed them in front of her. “You can have whatever you want. I’ll be moving out. You can come back home so that Jayden can have his room again. The house is yours and so is your car. I’ll still make sure you’re taken care of. Ugh, I miss you guys so much already. Please know I don’t want this at all. I’m just making the first step to try and make amends.” Taking her face gently into his hands, he said, “I love you, Jenna.”
She let him kiss her one last time. Then he turned and walked out the door without looking back, giving her the privacy he knew she needed. She hated how he knew her so well, but at the same time having space was good. She felt a sudden impulse to stop him and bit her tongue to fight it. It was time to be strong and pray that her suffering would soon come to an end.
Jenna left the room without taking anything she’d packed because the time had come to stop hiding and mooching off supportive friends. It was time to start living again, or to at least try.
She still wasn’t sure what to do with herself, and although it was nice of Tyler to give her the house, she hated having to take anything from him, period. She was still bitter and angry. Then a flood of memories came back, and it gave her the urge to go through some old photos. There had been more good times in that relationship than bad, and she wanted a reminder of them. Laughing and crying as she looked through them, she eventually began to feel guilty and realized that although she hadn’t had sex with anyone else, she still wasn’t innocent, either.
She’d depended on her visions of Brady, lusted for him and loved him, thought of him while being intimate with Tyler, and dreamed of him regularly. So was she any better?
After starting to second-guess herself, she began to wonder if she should have given Tyler another chance. Maybe she could learn what she’d done wrong to drive him away. It might at least rid her of some of the heartache. Starting over felt terrifying right then. She felt so alone.
***
That afternoon while Jayden napped, Jenna paced the hallway, too nervous to stay put as she waited for Tyler to arrive so they could talk. He didn’t know she was back in the house officially, and she wondered how he’d react if she brought up counseling and a willingness to start over.
She finally settled at the bottom of the stairs and was looking through old photos again when his car drove up, but her smile faltered immediately at seeing his expression.
“Jenna? You decided to come home?” His last words came out in a whisper, making her smile again before she answered.
“I did a lot of thinking today and a lot of reminiscing.” She looked down at the album beside her. “Tyler, I…”
She was about to tell him that she wasn’t sure about her decision anymore, that she wanted to give it a try again, but she was distracted as Tyler adjusted his position to block her view of the open front door. With eyes glossy and wide, he looked guilty, yet apologetic.
“Tyler?” Jenna whispered. She felt hot with embarrassment and sick to her stomach as the situation she’d put herself into dawned on her.
“I didn’t think you were going to forgive me.” He stepped forward. “You served me with the divorce papers, and I—”
“Sorry it took so me so long, but it’s hard to find good parking around here.” Alex’s smile faltered when she noticed Jenna on the stairs. Narrowing her eyes, she moved closer to Tyler, and Jenna couldn’t help but think, Congratulations, he’s all yours now.
She tried hard to hold on to her emotions, not wanting to give Alex any satisfaction. Alex’s game was obvious, but Jenna wasn’t playing anymore.
“Hello, Alex,” she said stiffly, trying to look stronger than she actually felt. “I apologize for the intrusion. I hadn’t realized that Tyler was bringing company into my home again. The couch is gone now, so were you planning to soil our bed as well?”
Tyler pushed Alex out of his way, and Jenna laughed at her insulted expression and especially at the sight of her storming off in anger. Tyler hadn’t noticed.
“Jenna, I need to know what you were about to say. Are you willing to give me a chance?”
She could see the hope in his expression. She didn’t speak as she examined him closely and realized how much he could read right through her. It was as though he expected to be able to do anything he wanted while she looked the other way, grateful just to be with him regardless. Damn him for that. She wasn’t as stupid as he clearly thought.
He took advantage of her vulnerability and the opportunity and pulled her forward. She closed her eyes, allowing him to kiss her, and let a little bit of anger come out in how aggressively she responded, because it really was good-bye. There was no way to turn back now. Tyler lifted her into his arms and carried her upstairs before she snapped out of it. As the door to the bedroom shut, she quickly pulled away.
“Oh my God, what am I doing? What are you doing to me?” She was out of her mind. He’d literally driven her insane.
“Jenna, I might not have known it before tonight, but having you here, seeing you when I walked in, the albums—you still love me, just as much as I love you. I know you were about to tell me you wanted to be together, to stay together.” He grabbed her hands, held them, and waited for her to answer.
“You’re right, Tyler, but you’re also very wrong. I missed being at home, and so did Jayden. Then I started to think about things after I got here and reminisced through the memories and began to second-guess myself.” She wanted to explain herself clearly to him so she wouldn’t have to repeat what she was about to say next. “I was delusional for a brief time. I wanted to work things out with you, and yes, that’s what I was about to say when you walked in, but then you gave me a reminder that you’re not going to change. Alex is your addiction, apparently, and you aren’t going to stop. I can see that so clearly now. So we can’t be together like this anymore. It’s over.”
He stood there silent, looking crushed, and she smiled, because the admission made her feel so free. “Tyler, you have been my best friend since I can remember. One of the best parts about our relationship was how easily we got along together. But clearly this is not meant to be. I’m not sure what happened between us to change things, but you have to admit that you could see it too, or you wouldn’t have looked elsewhere. Something’s missing, and I was blinded until now. Can’t you understand? If I let this continue, I’m going to end up hating you, and I don’t want that. We need to move on. I need some space so I can get through all of this anger and hurt, because I don’t want to lose you for good. I want my good friend back one day, and Jayden needs his dad.”
She’d finally realized she’d been holding on to what they once had, not what was still there. She’d been unhappy for a while, and it was time to move on. The hard part would be learning how to forgive, because Lord knows she’d never forget what had happened.
Chapter Twenty
Tyler moved out that night. She helped him pack and didn’t want to know where he was headed, whether to a motel or Alex’s place. She preferred not knowing for certain; it probably would have made her angry again because she suspected it would be the latter.
A fine line really did exist between love and hate. She loved the friend she used to have, the father of her child, and the many good years they’d had together. But she also hated him for all of the lies, for causing her to miscarry, for throwing away everything they had between them, and for the ultimate betrayal of sleeping with Alex. Still, although she hated to admit it, this had been a far better outcome than her original vision. At least he was still alive, and that mattered.
The next part was the hardest. They had to tell Jayden, and she’d asked Tyler to join her a few days later so they could tell him together.
She’d just finished making him his snack, and they were both nervous when they approached him. They sat on the couch together, and Jenna held Tyler’s hand as she called Jayden over.
While Jayden looked up with curiosity, Tyler looked at her with a sudden panic, the coward.
“Thanks,” she whispered sarcastically, knowing he was leaving her to start off the conversation. After taking a deep breath, she wasn’t sure where to begin and needed a minute to collect her thoughts. “We wanted to talk to you about some changes,” she told Jayden and was surprised by his expression. While sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table he looked at Tyler, sighed loudly, and then put his head down as he played with his fingers. She knew then that her little boy understood more than she gave him credit for.
“Jayden, Dad and I are separating, so you need to know that he’s not going to be living with us anymore.”
Honestly, how were you supposed to explain this type of situation to a four-year-old without getting a negative reaction? She didn’t know what else to do but come right out with it while trying to be as sensitive as possible in the process.
Jayden silently let her words register and then leaped into Jenna’s arms to cry. She wasn’t too far behind him, shedding some of her own tears.
“It doesn’t change how much we both love you,” she assured him, and Tyler finally stepped in.
“I’ll still be here whenever you need me to be, and you can come stay with me sometimes too, if you want.”
Jenna sucked in a shocked breath, knowing instantly that she shouldn’t have that reaction. She hadn’t thought about not having Jayden in the house all the time. That was an adjustment she’d definitely have to make.
Jayden pulled away and hopped off Jenna’s lap. “First Mommy and now me. Why are you hurting us?” he yelled, then ran up to his room and slammed the door shut.
Stunned into silence, neither one of them knew what to do next. Obviously, she wasn’t the only one who’d built up some anger over all that had happened.
“Maybe I should go,” Tyler suggested.
“You’re not going anywhere. Did you expect any other reaction out of him? Just give him a few minutes and we’ll talk this through. The least you can do is stay for that.”
Tyler agreed and stuck around through dinner. Jayden sulked at first, but she played the mediator and eventually got him to open up to his father.
***
“Okay, you’re driving me absolutely nuts,” Sam told her. “What’s wrong now?”
It was a beautiful summer day, and they were at the park with Jayden. Almost six months had passed since all hell broke loose, money was tight, and she still felt useless. Jenna had managed to get a part-time position at Jayden’s school after months of volunteering and hated that she still had to rely on Tyler’s child support. She had to figure out what she could do to achieve financial independence and still be able to be home for Jayden. She fantasized about the day she could actually tell Tyler to take his money and shove it. Okay, not really, just as long as it wasn’t a means of supporting her. Maybe one day she’d be financially comfortable while still being a loving mom for her child and Tyler’s money could go toward Jayden’s college fund instead of food.
“I just feel so useless, like I haven’t accomplished anything in my life. I’m a twenty-eight-year-old divorced woman, and I still have no clue what I should be when I grow up.” She sighed, knowing she’d been off in her own world trying to figure things out. It didn’t help that Tyler had started to take Jayden around Alex lately—more stress she didn’t need. He’d jumped into that relationship immediately after she’d let him go, moving in with Alex that same night.
“I’ve failed at everything.”
“Not everything.” Sam laughed, pointing toward Jayden, and she couldn’t help but smile and agree. “When it comes to that, you’re the luckiest person I know.”
“How did you do it?” Jenna asked.
“How did I do what?”
