The Mitchell Healy Compilation: Volume 1, page 65
This part of my attack was unnerving because I was acting on pure rage. I wasn’t being rational, and I didn’t know if I’d be spending the night in a cell for assault on this douche. I needed to teach him a lesson, and since I knew he was scared of what I could do to him, I had his undivided attention.
“Your word is shit.” He spit his blood at my feet. “Get the fuck away from me.”
I don’t know why he didn’t notice my fist coming around again. This time I got a good portion of his head near the ear. He went down again, this time covering his whole head from fear of another blow. “I’m not done.”
This second attack had been provoked. I knew I wanted to beat him to a pulp, and with each punch I felt a little better about my actions. He’d destroyed my friend, leaving her with a lifetime of fear. He deserved so much worse.
Seth finally followed my directions without a fight. He insisted we walk there instead of driving, and since it was only a couple blocks I didn’t protest.
Halfway there he started talking about Christian. “I should have known she was trouble when I met her. It was obvious she didn’t belong in that club. For what it’s worth she didn’t tell me she had a boyfriend.”
As much as I liked hearing someone call me that, I knew I couldn’t correct him. “Shut up.”
“No, you need to hear that it wasn’t all me. She invited me into her room. She knew what was going to happen. We talked about it first. I gave her time to back out.”
When we were both standing in front of the condemned house I knew I could have taken him inside and killed him. I was that angry. A part of me wanted to keep busting him up. Just as I was about to move inside, I froze. This could cost me Christian forever. If I took this guy inside and inflicted more pain on him, there was a good chance I’d go to jail. I’d be no different than this loser and his lies.
It was difficult to do, but I turned around and shocked the hell out of him. “We’re done here.”
“What? You believe me?”
“No! I won’t stoop to your level. If we go in that house one of us ain’t comin’ back out. I hate you that much. I know what you did to her in that room, on that dirty mattress. She told me every single detail. She begged you to stop.”
“I was drunk, man. If she said that I don’t recall it. We had a great day together. You saw what happened at the movies. I liked her.” He honestly triggered more anger. Finally he was coming clean, but it was too late.
“You need to leave now. If you ever lay a hand on another girl I’ll make sure you end up in a house like this one. Do you understand?”
I waited until I was a block away to call the police and report a possible rape. After giving them the description of what Seth was wearing and his full name, it would be easy for officials to pick him up. Even though they wouldn’t find any sign of an attack, I knew for a fact that he was always wanted for Christian’s assault. I was just pushing it along faster. This time they didn’t need a warrant for arrest. While that was being created and signed by a judge, I was getting that prick off the street. It was very satisfying.
I waited nearly twenty minutes before deciding to pull out of the parking lot to head back to my place. About halfway there I noticed three police cars pulled over and one wasn’t campus security. Handcuffed and being pushed into the back of a sedan was Seth. I recognized him immediately, and grew a smile while continuing on. It wasn’t until I’d passed my apartment that I realized where I was going. Nothing could stop me, not even the hospital guidelines. She needed to know she was safe, and I had to see her face when I told her.
When I reached the emergency room entrance I made a beeline for the security guard, quickly putting on a concerned face so he’d give me his attention. “Help me, please. My wife was brought in earlier with contractions. Can you tell me how to get to maternity?”
He handed me a visitor’s badge and pointed toward the elevator, announcing the floor number I’d need to get to.
Little did he know that I had no intentions of going to that floor, because I didn’t even know anyone who was pregnant. The directory was located at the main entrance, so once I’d gotten out of his view, I headed there first.
Once I’d located the floor she’d be on, I made it to the stairs, taking them instead of alerting the nurses on duty when the elevator doors opened. I stood and waited patiently for someone to walk through the double doors so that I could sneak into the restricted area. They’d dimmed the lights, making it difficult for me to see the room numbers; but luckily I knew where the room number was located and also the last digits of the phone number she’d called me from earlier.
I sneaked inside, closing the door behind me so they wouldn’t hear us talking. Then I saw her lying there on the bed. When she turned to see me standing there I watched her frown turn into a welcoming smile. “What are you doin’ here?” She whispered.
I rushed over to the bed, wanting to break the distance between us. “I had to sneak here to tell you somethin.”
“Why are your fists bloody?” She asked.
I stuck my hand in my pocket and smiled. “Let’s just say that I showed Seth how us cowboys handle someone hurtin’ our women.”
She raised her brow. “You didn’t?”
“I did, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat for you. Don’t you get it, Christian? Can’t you feel it?”
She shook her head. “What? Feel what?”
“That I’ve been lyin’ to you for a long damn time.”
She let out an air-filled laugh. “Yeah right. I’m on too many drugs to find your jokes remotely entertaining.”
I straightened my face and grabbed her hand. “It’s true, and it’s time I came clean about everything.”
Chapter 27
Christian
“Came clean?” I was so lost. Had it not been for the valium I’d been given through an IV perhaps I would have been able to follow him better. All I was sure of was that I needed to know every detail of what happened with Seth. “First tell me about your hand. What did you do?”
“We met. We talked. I shoved him around a bit. Then I called the police and told them where they could find him. All in a day’s work, babe.”
Since I felt so woozy it was difficult for me to react the way I should have. Normally I would have freaked out, but because of the meds I was able to simply smile and feel proud that Ethan had done something so brave in my honor. “Thank you.”
“Like I said, I’d do anything for you. Now, are you goin’ to let me finish what I came here to tell you?”
“I don’t know what you lied about, Ethan. Right now I don’t even care. All that matters is that you’re here, which means you forgive me for what I did on that video, at least enough to be here with me. I was so afraid that I lost you. I swore our friendship was over.”
He smiled, leaned forward and kissed me softly on the forehead. Then as he was pulling away, he found my lips. He didn’t push it and try to make it more. Only his lips pressed over mine; no tongue involved or groping hands. I wasn’t ready for that, not even with Ethan. His gentle embrace was short-lived, but enough to tell me that he wasn’t going anywhere. It was enough reassurance for one night.
The next morning the same officer stopped by the hospital to see me. Since my parents hadn’t yet arrived, I urged Ethan to stay with me. He held my hand as the officer explained to me what was going on with my case. “The truth is that the prosecution doesn’t have enough evidence to take this case. Without DNA or a witness, or someone else that can attest to being a victim of this guy, it’s your word against his.”
“So what does this mean?”
The man looked down as he spoke. “It means that he’ll be released sometime today.”
I sat up, immediately gasping for air. Ethan had gone after him, thinking he’d be locked up where he couldn’t get to me. Now the officer was telling me that he’d be released. “What if he comes after me?” My question was more for Ethan, but the officer answered for him.
“We don’t think he will. He’s going to lay low, in fear of us digging up new information. In the meantime I’m going to take a trip out to that house. We’ll take the mattress back to the lab and run it for DNA. I’ve got a feeling we’re going to have a lot of strains to go through, so be patient. It can take weeks, sometimes even months for that kind of extensive research.”
Everything out of his mouth was making me lose hope. “I understand.”
Ethan didn’t though. “What if you match their DNA. Can you arrest him then?”
“Again it’s a he said she said. With the video of their consensual encounter it will be difficult to prove she was assaulted only a little while later. I’m sorry I don’t have better news.”
I shook my head and wiped away residual tears. “I get it. In order to take him down I either have to be brutally left for dead, or have recorded the whole attack.”
“The key is collecting evidence. Had you come into the hospital on the night of the attack, we could have done the rape kit. It would have helped, but again, this case relies on hard evidence. There are a lot of fraudulent cases out there with women who only want to cause men problems. We have to consider each one to be real until we can prove otherwise. I believe that you were attacked that night, but unfortunately we have nothing solid to use.”
When the officer started to leave my parents were just walking in. He talked to them out in the hallway. Ethan and I watched through the glass as they were given the bad news. I knew they were pissed at me for not going straight to the authorities. They didn’t need to remind me of my mistakes. I had to live with them just as much as they did.
Ethan squeezed my hand. “We need to talk about somethin’, babe.”
“I can’t right now. They’re goin’ to come in and tell me they’ll be able to help me, but the truth is that we both know I won’t be goin’ back to school, not that one at least. I can’t face those people, and know what they’re sayin’ behind my back. I know the campus is huge, but I’m liable to run into one of them. I can’t handle it.
I think it’s best if I transfer to another school. Maybe I can take the semester off, get into counseling, and then start somewhere fresh. The only way I’m goin’ to get through this is if I start gettin’ help. I can’t live like this. It hasn’t even been a week and I’ve been through every emotion possible. I’m so tired.”
“I know. I get it.” He looked away, and I could tell he was upset. We’d made plans to go to school together, and now I had to break another one of our pacts. I couldn’t hate myself more.
“I’m sorry, Ethan.”
“It’s not your fault. I’m not mad, not at you at least. I get why you can’t go back, and as hard as it is to hear, I know it’s for the best.”
I tried to make him lighten up with a joke. “At least now you won’t have to hide me from your late night visitors.”
He peered at me, his brows furrowed and eyes were frustrated. “I don’t give a shit about them.”
“Ethan, it’s time that we stopped pretendin’. The promises we made, the pact, we were children when we did that. We’ve grown together, and experienced so many things, but let’s be realistic. I only agreed to all of that stuff because I thought you’d one day change your mind and want to be with me. I thought that if I went along with that plan it would make you love me the way I loved you. I didn’t just want you to be my first. Back then I wanted you to be my forever.”
Ethan was a tough guy. Since he didn’t get emotional very often, I could tell that what I’d said had hurt him. It was extremely confusing, especially after he’d told me he’d gone out to get ass the night before. I couldn’t begin to fathom how breaking our pact could hurt him. He was mature enough to understand that what I was saying was true.
My parents walked in, making our current conversation too inappropriate to talk about. I think what really shocked me was right after that he’d got up and left. I figured he walked outside to give me time with my parents, but he never returned.
A few hours later I was discharged. My parents had changed their minds and decided to take me home where I could rest comfortably.
I slept a little on the ride home, and was welcomed by my family when we reached the ranch. After everyone made sure I was in one piece, they went off to go about their day. Even though she checked on me a little too often, my mom was the only person to check on me.
Throughout the day I checked my cell phone, hoping for a call or message from Ethan. I tried to reach him several times with no response. It hurt my feelings, but I knew I couldn’t focus on him being immature about our little teenage pact.
Every minute of every hour I’d been thinking about my attack. I’d thought about other women and what they’d gone through, and even considered going back to meetings until I felt comfortable enough to share my own story. I knew mine didn’t compare to some, but I’d been told that it didn’t matter. When a women says no it should be final. There is no maybe, or probably if you push me to it.
No is no!
Twenty-four hours went by and I still hadn’t heard anything from Ethan. My mom had made an appointment for me to meet with a new psychiatrist. Even as nervous as I was to talk about it all again, I somehow knew that each time was helping me cope. I wasn’t as shaken up as I was those first couple nights. I still didn’t like the idea of being touched, but being able to comfortably be in the room with a stranger was a step in the right direction.
The doctor looked to her paperwork before asking me the daunting questions that she was required to ask every new patient.
“Tell me how you’re feeling today, Christian. What was it like for you when you woke up this morning?”
This was an easy question, and I immediately felt less uncomfortable since she wasn’t jumping right into my attack. “Well for starters I woke up on the ranch. I could hear the sounds of the birds and nature. The smell of bacon and coffee filled the room. I felt at home. I felt safe,” I explained.
“Good.” She wrote down something. “How did you feel about coming to see me?”
“Reluctant. Worried. Afraid.”
“Can you tell me what you’re afraid of specifically?”
“I’m not sure if I’m ready to go over the details again. I had to tell my best friend, my family, and everyone at the hospital. I know it’s helpin’, but it makes me uneasy. I want to forget that it happened, not keep it fresh in my mind.”
“What if I told you that you’ll never be able to forget? How would that make you feel?”
“Angry.”
She seemed intrigued by my answer as she made another notation. “Angry with me or -?”
I cut her off. “Not you. Angry with life. Maybe with God. Just angry in general. It’s not fair. Why do I have to live that moment forever? What did I ever do to deserve that to happen to me?”
“That’s a good question. The answer is nothing. You’re a victim.”
“If I’m never goin’ to forget, how do you expect me to heal? I don’t see it bein’ feasible.”
“It takes time, acceptance, and even forgiveness in some cases.”
“I’ll never forgive the person that did this to me.”
“You have to forgive yourself, Christian.” It was easy for her say. I didn’t exactly understand what she meant, to be honest. I hadn’t done anything wrong, except for sleeping with Seth. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t know if I’d ever forgive myself for that.
When I didn’t respond she took it upon herself to ask another question. “How do you feel about yourself?”
“Today, or in general?”
“Both. How would you describe yourself before all of this happened, and then now.”
After she explained I took a deep breath and thought for a second on how I’d answer. All of my life I had to overcome obstacles just to fit in. I’d never felt like I did, which made me even more awkward. If it wasn’t for Ethan, I don’t know how I would have survived high school. In fact, I didn’t know how I would have gotten through anything.
“Weak. I’ve always been weak.”
She jotted something down. “How so?”
“Well, for as long as I can remember I’ve been an outcast. No matter what was happenin’ I never seemed to fit in. I was never cool enough. My clothes were never the right style. I didn’t like the same things as the other kids. I wasn’t as pretty as the other girls.”
“You’re basing your answer on how you assume people think about you. Styles change, children grow up to be adults. What’s cool one day isn’t the next.”
“I’m weak because I can’t seem to find my in. It’s that exact reason that landed me here today.”
“I see.” The doctor tapped her pen on her cheek as she thought. “So today you feel weak as well?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Has anyone ever told you that life was what you make of it?”
“Sure. People say a lot of things to make me feel better.”
“It’s the truth. In order to get past your demons, and what happened to you, it’s important that you learn to love yourself. You have to love that you’re different, eccentric is a better word. I don’t know much about you, which will change in time, but from what I can tell you’re beautiful, intelligent, and looking for something you already have.”
“Which is what?”
“That’s for you to figure out. Until we meet again next week I’d like you to start a journal. Each night I’d like for you to write ten things you did that made you happy. It doesn’t matter if it was in the past or something you’ve just experienced. Underneath the ten items I’d like you to write about two things that make you sad. We’ll go over everything at our next appointment.”
I don’t know what I expected out of my doctor’s visit. I certainly didn’t think I’d walk out of there feeling confused. Despite feeling overwhelmed, I picked up a journal and promised myself that I’d write in it.
That night before bed, after another full day and no word from Ethan, I sat down on my bed and wrote down the ten things that I was happy about.
