The Mitchell Healy Compilation: Volume 1, page 57
It was still unbelievable. How could someone that seemed harmless do what he did to me? It was clear that this certainly wasn’t a dream, therefore I’d been assaulted sexually, and I had no idea how to go about seeking help. I was ashamed of my actions, so much that I couldn’t admit to ever being with him in the first place.
Time got away from me again after my shower, in which I scrubbed every inch of my body hoping to rid myself of any remaining hints of his scent. After dressing I laid on my mattress and thought about calling my parents, but they were already dealing with my sister’s latest catastrophe. I couldn’t call them with this information, not after I’d let the guy in my pants the same day it happened.
While blaming myself for everything that occurred, I fell asleep crying.
I awoke to someone knocking on my bedroom door. I climbed off of my bed and walked over to the door, hesitating just before opening it. “Who is it?”
“It’s me. We need to talk.” His voice caused me to cringe. I placed my hand over my mouth so he couldn’t hear me freaking out. “Chris, let me in.”
Seth’s voice vibrated off of my door as if he were leaning against the opposite side. I backed away, fearful that he’d bust it open and hurt me worse. “Go away! Just leave me alone!”
“I know you’re mad. Please let me in. I need to talk to you about it. I was drunk. When I woke up I remembered what happened. Chris, please-.”
“Get the hell out of my house. I have nothin’ to say to you.”
“I’m not leaving until we work this out. I know what happened was wrong, but it’s not a big deal. You need to forget it.”
I thought about what he was asking me. Of course I wanted nothing more than to forget it ever happened, but as the constant ache of my body reminded me of how he’d held me down, I refused to let him off the hook. “This wasn’t an accident. You knew what you were doin’ when you took me there. I’m not stayin’ quiet, Seth. You raped me, and I’m goin’ to tell the whole fuckin’ world what kind of guy you are.” He may have thought I was weak, but he had another thing coming to him. Nobody was going to hurt me and get away with it.
“What the hell? I didn’t rape you. Don’t even go there. Don’t you dare fucking tell that to anyone.”
“Why, it’s the truth? You held me down and forced yourself on me over and over again.” I was crying through my words, struggling the whole time.
“You little cunt. Nobody will believe you, do you hear me? They’d never believe I could do that to someone, besides, good luck trying to prove that when everyone around you knows we fucked. You were ready and willing, baby. They all saw you.”
I was so angry that if I had a pole I’d beat him with it. “If you don’t leave I’m callin’ nine-one-one. You have two seconds to get out.”
I heard footsteps and then the front door slamming shut. When I knew I was home alone again, I opened my door and went out to the front to lock the deadbolt. My roommates had keys so they’d be able to get in.
I spent the rest of the night locked in my room while the people I lived with went about their evening as if nothing terrible had happened. I wasn’t even positive that they were aware I was home. Not one of them checked on me.
I picked up my phone to call my parents a few times, losing my nerve at the last second. When it got dark outside Ethan started blowing up my cell. I ended up turning it off so that I wouldn’t have to hear it anymore. I knew none of this was his fault, but somehow I felt that if he hadn’t overreacted I never would have been out on the street alone. I think I was so desperate to put the blame on anyone but myself.
After hours of being a hermit, I walked out into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Amber sat at the counter sipping on a bottle of soda. Her eyebrows rose when I entered the room. “Hey, girl. What’s new?” She asked.
I shrugged and grabbed a glass, holding it under the running faucet. Since I couldn’t exactly explain my situation I chose to lie. “Nothin’.”
“How did it go with Seth? I heard he took you to the movies.” Was she insane? He wasn’t great. He was the devil.
“I won’t be seein’ him anymore if that’s what you’re wonderin’.”
“Why? Don’t tell me it’s because of Mila. She’s such a bitch.” Even though I wanted to go back to my quiet room, I knew she wasn’t at fault. Amber was a nice person, and I could use a friend once all of this mess was resolved.
“She’s part of it. Can you believe that she followed us to the movies and confronted me in the bathroom?” I had to keep the blame on this girl until I could figure out what I was going to do. I didn’t want too many people talking to Seth if I was going to go to the police with his assault on me. This type of situation required me to be especially careful. Either direction I took could ruin my life worse than it already was.
“I’m sorry. She did that when we went out once. I’m glad she did though. I don’t have room in my life for guys like him.”
“Yeah,” I was losing my patience. Seth was the last person on earth I wanted to discuss, and hearing her talk about him made me cringe. “I need to get back to my studies. I’ll see you later, Amber.”
She clutched my arm as I tried to walk by. It hurt and I pulled back, grabbing it.
“Are you alright?”
“I fell when I was out last night. I tripped over a curb,” I lied.
“Was Seth with you?” She inquired.
“Look, I don’t want to talk about Seth, okay? If I never saw him it would be too soon. He’s a drunk, and I know you think he’s great, but he’s not.”
I stormed in my room leaving her to assume whatever she wanted. Just hearing his name was causing me to lose my shit. There was no way I’d be able to go to class in the morning knowing he was sitting only feet behind me.
I spent the next couple of hours researching sexual assault on the computer, wondering if I even had means to go to the authorities. Sure, he’d taken me to an abandoned building and had his way, but just hours before I’d given him oral in a movie theater. I’d already given him my body earlier in the day. If this was some kind of sick fetish I didn’t want any part of it. Not to mention that telling anyone this happened to me would make me look like a trouble maker. Seth was on a scholarship, he’d lose everything. As much as I hated the fucker, I was unsure of what I wanted to do. The idea of my parents finding out made my skin crawl. They’d never look at me as being the daughter they were proud of again.
Then there was Ethan.
Not only did I walk away from our friendship, but I knew he’d never be able to see me the same. This was devastating, and the more time I gave myself to think about it, the more confused I became. I needed help and advice, or someone that could help me through this terrible time. The problem was that I didn’t have anyone that I could turn to. It was yet another reminder of what I was lacking in my life.
Since I knew I wouldn’t be going to class in the morning I decided to drive back to the ranch. My grandmother’s mansion had a whole wing that nobody used. Until I could calm down and make important decisions I needed to hide out there.
After the drive that seemed to take forever I pulled through the main entrance to my family’s ranch. Thankfully I didn’t see any sign of either of my parents, or my brother. I wasn’t that fortunate when I stepped inside the house and saw Shalan and my Gram standing at the kitchen counter.
“Christian, what are you doing here?” Gram asked.
“I’m, um…I’m havin’ a tough day. I was hopin’ I could sleep here tonight to clear my head.”
“Is everything alright, love?” I appreciated her concern, but she couldn’t help me.
“I’ll be fine, Gram. I’m just goin’ to head up to one of the rooms and lay down. I’ll see you in the mornin’.”
After making my announcement I walked out of the room, realizing that I hadn’t said anything to my soon-to-be sister-in-law. In the morning I’ll get up the courage to call her and apologize. What I needed was to relax and get my mind on track.
The first thing I did was get into the large soaking tub. I filled it with boiling hot water, hoping it would rid me of the dirty feeling I couldn’t seem to wash off.
When I retreated back to the bedroom and plopped down on the large fluffy bed it felt nice. This wasn’t like being back at college in my room. This was serenity, and exactly the kind of solitude I needed in my current situation. I was safe, loved, and going to get through this, no matter what I had to do.
This wouldn’t break me forever. I wasn’t going to let it.
Chapter 13
Ethan
After searching for Chris, and then calling her repeatedly I felt like she needed time to get over whatever was bothering her. Since it wasn’t like her to fly off the bat like she had, I knew I’d hear from her once she calmed down.
It was difficult to fall asleep knowing she was out there somewhere thinking I was an asshole. Honestly, I didn’t even get why she’d gotten so bent out of shape. We’d had disagreements in the past, and she’d never overreacted like this time.
It was two in the morning when my cell phone started blowing up. I ignored the first few rings on account of being asleep. When it continued I rolled over to see who the caller was. That’s all it took for me know it was important.
“Chris?”
She was sniffling.
“Talk to me. I’ve been tryin’ to call your ass all day. What’s goin’ on with you? If you like Seth that much just tell me.”
She began to sob on the other end of the call. “Trust me it’s not that at all.”
“Then you need to tell me what’s wrong. How am I supposed to be your best friend when you won’t talk to me about it?”
“Do you think I’m weak?” She questioned.
“What?” I scratched my head and checked the time on my alarm clock again. “Woman, what’s gotten into you?”
“I just need to know. Do you think I’m weak? Do I have a sign on my head that tells people to take me for granted? I don’t understand why I can’t be like everyone else.”
“You’re not weak. You’re pretty damn strong if you ask me. I don’t get why you want to be like everyone else when the person you are is perfect. They’re the ones that need to take notice of you.”
“I’m not askin’ for you to flatter me. I need the truth, Ethan. For once can you be serious.”
“I am,” I argued. “Chris, you’re awesome. Any guy would be lucky to be with someone like you.”
“No they wouldn’t.” She cried harder, making it impossible for me to understand the rest of what she was saying. I felt so bad, but didn’t know a way to convince her that I thought she was amazing. I never should have kept it from her, but I sure as shit wasn’t about to tell her my true feelings over the phone.
“What’s wrong, babe?”
“I don’t understand why life is so hard for me. I can’t catch a break. Every time I try to change, things take a turn for the worse.”
“I’m lost.”
“Take you for instance. I never should have told you I was in love with you, because nothin’s been the same since that happened. You say things haven’t changed, but we’re not as close. It’s like I pushed you away.”
I wiped the sleep from my eyes and sat up completely, trying to figure out how to manage this kind of conversation without being there with her. “You know that’s not true. I care about you too.”
“It’s not the same.” She let out an air-filled laugh. “It doesn’t even matter. Nothin’s ever goin’ to be the same. We can’t be together anyway, even if you changed your mind. I’m damaged goods.”
“You’re not makin’ any sense, Chris. In fact, you’re worryin’ me. Stop bein’ all cryptic and tell me what the hell is your problem. Don’t make me come over there in the middle of the night and force it out of you.”
When she began to bawl I wondered what I’d said to make her so upset. Nothing was making sense. She obviously called me to comfort her, but I had absolutely no idea what was going on.
“Christian, please say somethin’, or else I’m gettin’ in my car and comin’ for ya.”
“Don’t come near me. I’m not there anyway. I had to get away from all of it. I can’t be there, Ethan. Why can’t you get that?”
“I’m tryin’ to. Is this because of me, or that douche you were with last night?”
“This call was a mistake. I won’t bother you anymore. I think I just wanted to hear your voice one more time before you hated me. Goodbye, Ethan. For what it’s worth, you’re the only guy I’ve ever loved. I’m glad I got to experience that feelin’ before all of this happened; otherwise I’d never know what it was like. I’m sorry for ruinin’ our friendship.”
“Wait, you didn’t-.”
The line was dead.
I tried to redial her number, but it went straight to voicemail.
Out of desperation I threw on some clothes and drove over to her house, hoping to make sense over all of this.
First I beat on the door, hoping she’d hear it first. When no one answered, I rang the bell. A girl who I didn’t know answered. I could tell she was sleeping. “What?”
“I need to see Chris. Let me in.”
“She’s not here.” She started to close the door.
I put my hand up preventing her. “Hold up. What do you mean she’s not here?”
“She left earlier, dude. Go home.”
“Did she say where she was goin’?” I asked.
“How the hell would I know? She doesn’t say shit to me. Go on now before I kick you in the balls for wakin’ me up.”
This time the door closed in my face, but I remained standing there wondering why Chris would leave campus. This couldn’t be about me and our last conversation. Something must have happened to her, and I was going to get to the bottom of it.
My first class on Tuesday’s wasn’t until the afternoon, and since I hadn’t gotten but a few hours of sleep I knew I had to find Chris and get things worked out with her. After trying to call her several times, I climbed in my car and headed to her parent’s house. If she wasn’t with me, and she wasn’t at the campus house, that was the only other place she’d go.
I guess it slipped my mind that her family would be dealing with her sister’s latest bouts of trouble. When I pulled into the driveway I saw them climbing out of their SUV. They recognized me right away, and from the shocked look on their faces I knew they were confused about my visit.
“Ethan, what brings you by this late?” Christian’s father, Colt asked.
“Sorry, sir. I was hopin’ Chris was here, but I can see that she’s not. Our messages must have gotten mixed up that’s all. I’ll just head on back to campus and see her in the mornin’.”
I started to turn to climb back in my car when I heard him respond. “Hold on a minute. Why would Christian say she was comin’ home? Is she alright?”
I threw him the most convincing smile I could. “Sure. Like I said, it’s probably a miscommunication. I’m certain she’s probably back at her place by now. Come to think of it, I’m sure she said she was catchin’ a movie with some friends.”
He cocked his brow, as if he didn’t believe a word coming out of my mouth. This was a man that people didn’t lie to. He was powerful and a force to be reckoned with if he was crossed. I was lying to him about his daughter; someone he’d most definitely protect with his life.
“Colt, your mom called earlier. She said Christian is spending the night at the main house. She didn’t give me specifics.” Christian’s mom turned to look at me after addressing her husband. “Ethan, did something happen at school? Is that why you drove out here tonight? Were you worried about our daughter?”
Since I’d just been caught in a lie I didn’t know how to reply. “Honestly, I don’t know. We had a fight yesterday and she hasn’t talked to me since. I stopped by the house earlier and they said she wasn’t there. You know I always look out for her, so I came here to make sure she was safe.” That part wasn’t a lie. “If somethin’ happened she didn’t tell me.”
“You best be gettin’ back to school now.” His stern order wasn’t meant to be a suggestion. I nodded and climbed into my car, only to be stopped from starting it by Christian’s mother.
“Ethan, you should stay on the ranch tonight. It’s late, and the deer are going crazy lately. I’d hate for you to hit one and get stranded or worse. We’ve got plenty of room. It’s no trouble, right, Colt?”
I refused to look his way, because I knew what he was thinking. He was under the assumption that I’d not only lied about his daughter once, but also about why she’d come to the ranch. He couldn’t understand that I’d driven all this way because I was ready to confess my love to his daughter.
“Just make sure you have your ass back to school in the mornin’.”
I often wondered if the man liked me at all. His stern demeanor left little to the imagination. “Yes, sir.”
I followed the two of them inside the house and let Miss Savanna show me the guest room. The whole time I wondered if I could sneak out and make my way to the main house, even though it was a terrible idea. Just as her mother was stepping out of the room she turned to me and smiled. “I’m glad she has you, Ethan. I’ve never understood why she struggles. That girl is beautiful inside and out. I just wish she’d see that.”
“She’ll always have me.”
She walked out of the room after I’d said it, and I wondered if somehow she knew my feelings for her daughter were stronger than I’d admitted. I was resolved to hoping that by morning Christian would get over whatever was bothering her. The anticipation of coming out to her was killing me.
Lying in a bed in her parent’s house made me feel close to her. I knew she wasn’t there, but it still gave me that connected feeling I longed for. I’d lied for too long, and feared it had cost me my chance of being with her. There was still concern about screwing it up, but I couldn’t sit back and watch her seeing other people. I’d learned my lesson feeling the pain of knowing she’d been with another guy besides me.
