Yeah, I Hate-Ate Your Cupcake!: A Romantic Comedy, page 12
“God help me, but I almost agree with Greg. You are pretty useless. And a liar.”
“I totally know how to drive this thing.” I pulled the limo up in front of 101 Park Place, the condo tower we lived in.
Kiki and Ophelia cheered.
Greg was waiting out front. I hit a button, and the doors on one side of the limo opened like it was the Batmobile. This was an extremely tricked-out limo. The car even had a wheelchair lift.
“There have been multiple complaints to the police,” Greg stated while Crawford swung our sisters out of the limo. “People reported someone in a green stretch Hummer driving erratically.”
“The jealousy is strong with this one,” I said out of the window. “Now to pick up my date.”
“Don’t drive like a maniac,” Greg barked.
I turned up the radio, rock music blasting from the custom stereo system, and peeled into traffic.
I was used to driving fast European sports cars. The stretch limo was not built like them, and I had to remind myself that I needed several car lengths to merge. A man in a Porsche flipped me off as I almost scraped his car trying to make a turn.
“No, I cannot be in that lane,” I yelled out the window as he honked at me. “Do you see the turning radius on this thing? Seriously, some people cannot drive.”
Karlie’s building was on the Upper East Side. Among the upscale boutiques and the neutral beige tones and perfectly manicured planting boxes, the green limo was a shock of color and tastelessness.
I loved it.
People walking their little dogs in fancy sweaters paused to gasp as I cruised down the street in my new car. When I pulled up in front of Karlie’s building, the doorman was struggling not to laugh.
An elderly woman in a couture pantsuit shook her handbag at me as I swung out of the car, the flowers I had brought for Karlie in hand.
“You cannot park that there. Who ordered this monstrosity?” she demanded. The little Yorkie at her feet barked at me. “I demand you remove that car from this building at once. I am the president of the condo association, and this vehicle is against the bylaws.”
“Ma’am,” I said, taking off my sunglasses, “one of the residents ordered this car.”
“Never,” she said. Her hands were trembling. “Who could do such a thing? Won’t someone think of the property values?”
“It’s the Upper East Side,” I said dryly. “I’m sure the property values will be fine.”
“I feel faint. Someone call a doctor.”
“Mr. Campbell?” I called as a heavyset man walked into the lobby.
“Are you here for Karlie already?” Her father, Frank, peered at me.
“He’s here for your daughter?” the condo association president demanded. She brushed away the water the doorman was trying to hand her. “She’s dating a tacky limousine driver?”
“Only the best for Karlie,” I quipped.
Her dad turned to me in confusion. “I thought you owned your own business?”
“You have a fleet of these things?” the condo president shrieked.
“I have one in pink for bachelorette parties that has a giant light-up cock on it,” I deadpanned. “I’ll drive it over next weekend.”
“That’s the date of my terrace garden fundraiser. Someone help me—I must lie down.”
“Please have some water, Mrs. Heyer,” the doorman begged.
She collapsed on the sofa, and the doorman patted her hand.
Frank Campbell sighed. “I assume Karlie is expecting you?” he said, gesturing me toward the elevators.
“Make him take the service elevator,” the HOA president said, raising up slightly on the couch.
“Sometimes it’s just best to do what they say,” Frank whispered to me.
I followed him down a corridor and around a corner. Once the elevator doors closed, he pulled a cheeseburger out of his coat pocket and took a big bite.
“Don’t tell my wife,” he pleaded. “She thinks I’m on a diet. But between her, my mother, and my daughter I need a pick-me-up sometimes.” He took another big bite and finished the hamburger when the service elevator let off on their floor.
“Your secret is safe with me,” I assured him as we headed down the hall to his condo.
Yelling came from behind the door when Frank unlocked it.
“Karlie, your boyfriend almost killed Mrs. Heyer.”
“Her little dog looked like he was five seconds away from chowing down on her,” I said, walking into the spacious condo.
My gaze flicked over Karlie. She was in a formfitting dress, her hair in messy curls around her face. She looked soft and fuckable. She also looked worried and chewed on her lip.
I wanted to kiss her.
No. Not that. Eyes on the prize.
But part of that was supposed to be pretending we were an item. Shouldn’t you kiss your fake girlfriend hello? But how would she react if I pulled her in for a kiss, even a small one?
Probably not a good idea to surprise her with a kiss in front of her family, right?
But now I wanted to experience it, her soft mouth, her body melting against mine.
Instead, I pulled two flowers out of the bouquet I held.
“For you,” I said, offering one to her mom, “and you.” I handed one to the grandmother then offered the bouquet to Karlie with a flourish.
“Your lime-green chariot awaits, mademoiselle.”
Karlie blinked at me.
“You brought the limo?” her twin demanded. “Where?”
“I told you,” Gran crowed. “I told you there was a limo.”
“Where did you find a limo?” Karlie whispered she looked up at me like I was her knight in shining armor—well, a knight in an Armani suit, at least.
I stepped up to her and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer and leaning in to whisper in her ear. “It’s because I’m a billionaire. I can do these things.”
She seemed a little flush when I stepped back to join her family at the window where they were gawking at the bright-green limo parked on the street below.
“I call it the Hulk,” I told them. “Big, green, and mean.”
“I had a dildo like that once,” Gran said. “My old boyfriend flushed it down the toilet in a fit of jealousy, and that’s how I got evicted from the assisted living center.”
“And that’s when my nightmares started,” Karlie’s mom muttered, tottering back over to the bar.
“Let’s get a move on,” Gran said. “I need to have my picture taken in front of this thing. I want to put the video up on my TikTok.”
“It has a wheelchair lift too,” I told her.
She pointed at her granddaughter then at me. “Marry this man, Karlie.”
“No more weddings,” her father mumbled.
“Now, Frank,” Karlie’s mom said, grabbing her husband. “Marcus loves Roberta very much.”
I regarded Karlie’s ex and soon-to-be brother-in-law. He wasn’t looking at his fiancée but at Karlie. And Karlie’s tits, specifically the little bumps of her nipples through her dress.
The fuck?
The possessiveness rose in me, gripping the back of my neck.
She’s not really your girlfriend.
But it sure felt like it.
“Having second thoughts about your wedding?” I asked Marcus, a harsh edge in my voice.
“Marcus!” Roberta sounded incensed.
Karlie looked at him then at me in confusion. She raised an eyebrow and inclined her chin slightly. She then looked down at her chest, cursed, then crossed her arms.
Too bad.
“Don’t feel ashamed,” Gran assured her. “If I hadn’t breastfed three kids, my nipples would react like that when Liam walked into the room too.”
“I wasn’t looking at her like that.” Marcus scowled. “She just looks like a hooker. I thought you were going to wear something appropriate, Karlie. You look like you just squeezed into an old dress you kept from high school.”
“Because that’s exactly what she did,” Roberta said nastily.
Karlie was starting to shrink into herself.
“I was going to go shopping,” she said faintly.
“Shopping?” I asked, determined not to let her family ruin her self-esteem. “You look hot in that dress, Cupcake.” I was using my best bedroom voice, the one that I had been told by multiple women almost made them come.
I hooked two fingers down the front of her dress. “Don’t feel like you have to change on my account. I’d love to stare at you in that dress all evening.”
“Well, you’re making the rest of us look bad,” her twin said shrilly. Marcus was still gaping at Karlie.
I stared at him until he felt my gaze and his muddy brown eyes met my steel-gray ones and he averted his eyes.
I smirked then turned back to Karlie.
“Which boxes do you need carried downstairs?” I asked her.
“Those,” she pointed, “but I’m just going to go change first. This dress isn’t really going to work.”
25
Karlie
Was Liam annoyed?
His brow was furrowed while he helped to load the decoration items for Tosha’s engagement party into the stretch limo.
I paused after I stepped off the elevator. I had gone back to the three layers of Spanx and one of the slightly too-small dresses. It was champagne colored, one sleeved, and hopelessly out of fashion. The dress also had a cheese sauce stain that I covered with a strategically placed brooch. My feet, squished into a pair of heels, were already killing me. I wished I was in my other dress, but it had been so embarrassing standing there while Roberta dissected my outfit in front of Liam that I had to change clothes.
But he said you looked hot.
He was probably just pretending, I scolded myself. He’s probably mad that he went to all that trouble to get a green limo, and then you couldn’t even run a brush through your hair. I bet he wishes he had tried to date someone else.
“You cannot date a limousine driver, Karlie.” The loose skin under Mrs. Heyer’s chin wobbled as she berated me. “Honestly! A limo driver. And you brought him and his limo here to our esteemed residence. Don’t you dare let him bring the pink one.”
“He’s not a limo driver,” I said in confusion. “And what’s wrong with the color pink?”
Liam sauntered over.
“You look hot in that dress, too, Cupcake,” he said. His eyes swept down my body then back up to my face. I felt irrationally pleased that he thought I looked sexy.
“You’ll have to ride shotgun,” Liam told me, arm circling my waist, “unless you want to sit in the back with your family.”
Mrs. Heyer made disapproving noises.
“I promise I won’t try and finger you,” he added with a grin, turning his face to nuzzle my hair. I froze for a second.
“My word. I feel faint,” the HOA president said, pressing a hand to her chest.
Me too.
“The Hulk has a pop-out bar,” Liam offered. “I can grab her a brandy.”
“Uncouth man!”
I helped the older woman to a couch and gave Liam the evil eye, mainly so I wouldn’t have to think about his actually fingering me.
As if it would happen through the layer of Spanx.
Except that they were crotchless...
“He’s just joking, Mrs. Heyer,” I said. “He has a driver. He owns Platinum Provisions. He’s not riffraff.”
That seemed to rouse Mrs. Heyer.
“This is Liam Svensson.” I introduced them.
“A Svensson.” She practically rubbed her hands together. “I sit on the board of a number of charities and institutions. In fact, I’m hosting a small get-together with tea and light refreshment on the terrace next weekend. We’d love to have you.”
“He’s a terribly busy man,” I said, cutting Liam off before he could promise that we would attend. “In fact, we have another wedding event to get to. Hope you feel better.”
“You didn’t want free food and handsy old ladies?” Liam murmured in my ear as we walked out of the lobby.
“I’ve been to one of her fundraisers, and once is enough,” I said as Liam held the door for me. The doorman was helping my mom into the limo. Liam opened the driver’s door and hit a button. The doors closed like bat wings.
I was confused.
“My driver is at his five-year-old’s birthday party,” Liam said, sliding into his seat. “It’s Captain Marvel themed. I wasn’t going to make him miss it when I am perfectly capable of driving this car.”
“I need air back here,” Roberta complained. I looked at the console of the car and saw it was filled with all sorts of screens and knobs.
“You have all the controls on the touch panel back there,” Liam said cheerfully then pressed a button making the divider go up between us and my family. He flashed me a quick grin, slipped on his sunglasses, and started the car. “Finally alone.”
Part of me wondered if he would try something.
Did I want him to?
What happened to Marcus? He was supposed to be your one true love, I reminded myself. My ex clearly had been checking me out in the living room.
But then Liam had been so... possessive? It was strange and confusing and a little exciting.
I glanced over at him as he floored the gas pedal, sending the stretch limo careening out into traffic.
“Sorry!” Liam shouted at a car that almost got creamed.
I held onto the armrest as we plowed our way through the city, horns honking.
“The light is yellow!” I yelled to Liam.
He floored the gas and barely missed a car trying to make a left-hand turn.
“This thing is like a battleship. It is not stopping; we’re just going to keep on moving.”
The faint sounds of people knocking on the divider interrupted us.
Liam turned on the radio.
“Your family’s fine back there. There’s a cheese tray,” he assured me. “And champagne.”
“Maybe I should have ridden back there.” My stomach lurched as Liam took another hard turn.
“Why?” he asked, voice suddenly adopting a slight chill. “So you can try and win back your ex from your sister?”
“No,” I said defensively. “Besides, why do you care?”
“Just think you could do better than him is all.” Liam’s eyes were unreadable behind the sunglasses.
“It’s not like he’s going to leave my sister and come back to me,” I said, tugging at the side of my dress and trying to grab a few layers of Spanx as well. Between Liam’s attitude, the thumping music, and the fact that this idiot could. Not. Drive. A. Car... I was feeling a little dizzy and out of breath.
“He might,” Liam growled, wrenching the wheel hard.
I clutched the armrest. Over the music, my mom yelled as we made a wide left turn onto the street with the restaurant that had been rented out for Tosha’s engagement party.
“Marcus certainly seemed very excited to see you when you were, let’s say, excited to see me.”
“I wasn’t,” I said defensively. The last thing I needed was for Liam, clearly a highly sought-after man who would never be with someone like me under normal circumstances, to think that I wanted more out of our fake relationship. He’d probably make a snide comment, and I would feel worse than I already did.
“I don’t even like you,” I reminded him. And you don’t like me either. Which is fine. Totally fine.
His jaw was tense. He jerked the wheel again, and the limo narrowly missed a light pole as we pulled to a screeching stop in front of a historic building. My clutch slid off my lap to the floor.
Could I get it without ripping the dress?
Probably not.
Liam pressed a few buttons while I tried not to stare at his hands. Then he swung his long legs out of the car. I tried to catch my breath for a minute and opened the door. Liam was already there, and I almost bashed him in the face.
Way to go. This is why you’re not girlfriend material.
“Shoot, sorry,” I apologized, half swinging my legs around to dangle over the high seat. “I didn’t know you were getting the door.”
“Though I drive a green limo, I do have some level of home training,” the billionaire said, offering me a hand. He noticed my clutch and reached and grabbed it. That put his face very close to crotch height, and if I hadn’t been wearing three layers of spandex, I could have felt his breath through the fabric of the dress.
As his gray eyes met mine, he handed me the clutch.
Did he know what I was thinking?
I felt breathless again.
Instead of offering me a hand, Liam slid one around my waist. He pulled me closer to him.
My breath was coming out as little pants. His arm moved around my waist; his large hand splaying over my hip, his thumb almost resting in the crease between my thigh and hip.
Was he going to kiss me? Did he want to? Did I want him to?
“I need—”
“Tell me,” he said, his deep voice making me think all sorts of thoughts that began with stripping off all this Lycra.
I licked my lips.
His eyes flicked to my tongue then back up.
“I need to tell you that I’m driving on the way home,” I said.
His eyes narrowed, and his mouth parted slightly.
“The shade she throws. And after I bought her a limo too,” he murmured, a smile playing around his mouth.
“You bought this?” I hissed at him.
Liam swung me out of the car. His body pressed against mine briefly.
“Of course. You can’t just rent these things, you know.” He turned to help my grandmother, who was about to fall out of the limo, then tossed me the keys over his shoulder. “Let me know when you need anything else.” He winked.
I needed to get all this Spanx off. I felt like I was going to faint. Or maybe it was Liam.
“Man, what a car,” Gran exclaimed as the wheelchair lift slowly lowered her to the sidewalk. She slapped the side of the limo. “I haven’t had a wild ride like that since I dated this guy who used to be a stuntman for cowboy movies.”
“Frank,” Mom hissed at Dad. “Do something about your mother.”
