Touch Me Gently, page 8
A strong hand came to rest gently on his other shoulder, and then Logan’s voice came from close by. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Kaden. We all look for outlets in our lives when something upsets us or makes us feel pain. But that’s not a healthy outlet. If you need something, I can show you a few judo moves that can help release your frustration or pain. We can set up an area where you can beat the hell out of a stuffed dummy or something, anything else but this.” His hands traveled down Kaden’s arm to his wrist, touching the skin just above the armband lightly.
Kaden shivered at the heat that traversed his arm along with the skin of that rough hand. “I’m sorry,” he choked, squeezing his eyes shut tightly.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Shea said fiercely, pulling back to look him in the face. “I know that you aren’t ready to talk to us about anything that has happened to you, and I understand that, but I think if you do it might help the pain fade away. Even though you’ve only been here a few days, I already feel like we’ve known you our entire lives, and we really care about you. Even if you never talk to us about it, please stop hurting yourself. Promise me,” she demanded.
The trembling boy studied his legs for a moment, wondering if he would have the strength to keep the promise. But he slowly nodded, still not meeting their eyes for fear of seeing rejection or pity. He couldn’t take it if they felt pity for him. “I’ll try.” He saw the look that Shea gave him. “It’s the best I can do. It’s… a knee-jerk reaction, Shea. I can’t always control it.”
Logan had mostly been silent while Shea talked, but this time he spoke up. “Please try. For us.”
Kaden nodded again and smiled tremulously at Logan. “I will.”
The siblings seemed to almost wilt with relief, and they started to joke around, including Kaden in it as well, as they finished their lunch. Finally, they headed back to the ranch. Shea instructed him to change his clothes and be back at the barn in twenty minutes or she’d come after him. Kaden laughed at her words, knowing that she didn’t have the strength to force him. As the foreign sound issued from Kaden’s throat, he was turning and moving toward the house, unaware of the green eyes studying him or the way the sound of his laughter affected the owner of those eyes.
Chapter 7
When Kaden had finished changing, he went back outside to meet Shea. As he approached, he saw her leading a saddled horse out of the barn. A slightly smaller horse than Mantacor, she had a beautiful copper-red coat, almost like flames. A dark brown mane and tail shifted as she walked. Shea smiled at Kaden and motioned him forward to where she and the horse stood. He approached cautiously, keeping his eyes on the horse. “This is Brandy. She’s two years old and very gentle and easy to learn with. Come closer and hold out your hand for her to smell you. It’s how they get to know you.”
Kaden reluctantly lifted his hand, extending it out to the horse palm up. The horse settled her nose against his palm, and he could feel the whiskers around her nose tickling his palm. His lips curved into a smile, and his eyes started to twinkle with laughter and delight. “She’s very beautiful.”
“Now, you should only mount a horse from the left side. Take the reins in your left hand.” Shea handed him the reins, and he placed them in his left hand, nervously shifting his feet as she positioned him beside the horse. “Good. Now place your left hand, holding the reins, on the saddle, or you can also hold the mane. There are no nerve endings connected to the mane, so you don’t have to worry about hurting her.”
He did as she indicated and waited for further instructions. “Okay, now place your right hand on the rear of the saddle. Just like that. Good. Place your left foot in the stirrup. Now bounce three times, and then pull yourself up, swinging your leg over the saddle as you do so.”
Kaden almost dropped the reins and had to attempt this several times as he tried to follow her instructions. Finally in the saddle, he panted from the exertion of attempting to mount the horse. He gripped the saddle and reins tightly, realizing how far off the ground he actually sat. It looked like a long way down. The horse shifted, and he let out a squeak, suddenly gripping the horse’s mane tightly. Shea laughed, her eyes crinkling at the corners and a dimple appearing in the corner of her mouth. “Relax, Kaden. The horse can sense if you’re nervous, and it will make her nervous.”
Forcing himself to relax, he slowly eased his grip on the mane and watched as Shea went around to the other side of the horse to make sure his foot was in the stirrup. He’d instinctively slid his foot in upon mounting. She adjusted the length to his leg, making sure it rested lightly against the horse’s side. “Now I’m going to lead you into the corral over there and we’re just going to do a steady walk. Okay, Kaden?”
When Shea started walking the horse, Kaden’s legs tightened, and he tensed. The movements of the horse frightened him, and the thought of falling off came to the front of his mind. “Loosen your legs before you cut off her air supply,” he heard that deep voice call from nearby. Kaden brought his head up to find Logan sitting on the fence, his hands on the board beside him and his legs resting on the next one down.
Logan’s eyes were hooded with some kind of emotion that Kaden couldn’t identify, and he looked away uneasily. He tried to instead concentrate on the animal beneath him and Shea’s instructions. She walked with them around the corral several times, letting them get used to the rhythm of each other. When she felt that they had a good rapport, she stopped near Logan.
“Okay, now I’m going to give you the opportunity to walk her on your own. Just squeeze her sides lightly with your legs and gently rock your hips forward. That will get her going in a walk. Don’t try anything else right away. You have to get used to the effect of riding a horse and the motions.”
Kaden nodded, doing as she indicated, and when the horse started walking, he looked nervously at Shea, but she only smiled encouragingly. As the horse walked around the corral with just him, he kept glancing at Shea and Logan, finding them talking about something serious. He wondered if it pertained to him, and he frowned, looking down at where his hands held the reins. It didn’t mean they were talking about him. He decided to just ignore it and enjoy his time here as much as he could. With a resolved frame of mind, he looked up, smiling as the horse neared Logan and Shea.
“When you want the horse to stop, pull back gently on the reins. But don’t forget those are attached to the horse’s mouth and could hurt the horse if you pull too hard,” Shea explained as he drew close to them.
Doing as instructed, he pulled lightly on the reins, and the horse stopped, shifting from foot to foot beneath him. “Now how do I get down?” he asked.
“Just swing your right leg over the back of the horse and drop down with that leg before removing your left foot from the stirrup,” Logan said, intercepting Shea’s response. He watched the way the slight muscles on Kaden’s frame rippled as he dismounted easily with the strength in his legs. “You did good, kid.”
Kaden almost preened under his compliments, grinning broadly. In less than a week, the haunted look in his eyes had begun to fade, and Logan felt an immense sense of relief and happiness that he could help the teenager heal. He didn’t analyze or examine the other feelings that were building inside him. The boy was only here for three months, then he’d go back to New York, and Logan wouldn’t have to worry about these feelings Kaden was stirring up. But the thought of Kaden going back to New York made his heart twinge and his stomach clench. Suddenly angry with himself, Logan jumped down off the fence with a gruff, “I’ve got some bookkeeping to take care of. I’ll see you guys at dinner.” He turned on his heel and left.
“Did I do something wrong?” Kaden muttered, looking down at the ground.
“No. You didn’t do anything wrong. He’s just tired, is all. He gets like that when he’s tired,” Shea lied, looking after her brother with a harsh glare. Why did he insist on ignoring his own emotions? And now he’d upset Kaden. “Come on. Let me show you how to groom her and unsaddle her. The next lesson, I’ll show you how to saddle her, okay? That way you can do it for yourself.”
They unsaddled and brushed Brandy down, making sure she was clean and happy before leading her into the stall. The sun hung low in the sky, right above the edge of the mountains, when they headed back to the house. For the first time since he’d been a child, Kaden felt safe. Love and tenderness didn’t exist in Kaden’s barren life. He’d lost hope in ever having them again because of the many harsh realities he’d been forced to confront at an early age. His faith in a lot of things had died the same day they’d laid his mother in the ground, including his belief in God. What kind of cruel God would allow his life to continue the way it did? The need to be alone for a while came over him, and he made an excuse to Shea before going into his bedroom and shutting the door.
Grabbing his notebook, he lay down on his stomach on the bed and began to write—about the mountains and the big open sky from that morning, about the horseback-riding lesson, and the big man who seemed to never be far from his mind but would never understand. The lyrics just flowed from his fingers, and by the time he looked up, the clock read seven thirty, and the sky had darkened. He placed his pen in the book and closed the cover, standing and stretching with a soft moan. His back ached from the long time spent in one position. He decided to go make something for dinner for everyone and went into the kitchen to find Shea already cooking. Stopping in surprise, he watched her for a moment. She was making simple boxed macaroni and cheese, so she should be all right with that. He figured, anyway.
The water started boiling, and because she was too busy digging through the fridge, it foamed up and began to spill over. Kaden rushed over to the stove and turned the temperature down, ensuring that the water level dropped before moving away again. “I’m sorry. I should have been out here to do this,” he told Shea, moving to take over, but she refused to let him do it and forced him to go sit down.
“I’m fine. I just didn’t notice that the water was already boiling. Like Logan said, everyone needs a day off.” She dumped in the elbow macaroni and stirred it to make sure it didn’t stick to the bottom of the pan.
Kaden wondered if Logan was still in his study and rested his chin in his hand as he watched Shea darting around the kitchen. He’d seemed so agitated earlier. What had happened to upset him? It seemed like he had gotten angry. The thought pained him, and he nibbled at his bottom lip in concern. Without realizing it, he let out a sigh and then jumped in alarm when he heard that honeyed voice he’d already begun to crave. “Why the big sigh?”
Turning his head, he saw Logan leaning against the doorjamb, his arms crossed against his chest and a tired look to his face. “Nothing. Just thinking is all.”
Logan nodded briefly and moved toward Shea to help her by setting out plates and glasses for drinks. He kept glancing at Kaden, watching him carefully to see if he would reveal any of his inner thoughts on his face. The boy was good at hiding his emotions for the most part, except for when it came to fear. Fear seemed to be ingrained in the teenager, and he was glad that he hadn’t seen that emotion from Kaden at all that day.
The three of them sat down to eat. Most of the meal went by silently with a few words injected here and there. Unable to take the silence anymore, Shea let out a sound of frustration before dumping her plate in the sink and leaving. Logan watched her go with an uncaring expression before turning back to look at Kaden. “So you’ve been here almost a week now. How do you like it?”
Looking up from his bowl, Kaden smiled softly. “I think this is the best place I’ve ever been. It’s beautiful, quiet, and you and Shea are the kindest people I’ve ever met. When I leave in a few months, I’m going to miss you guys.” With that he stood up, walked over to the sink, and placed his bowl in before starting the water.
Something akin to dismay prodded at Logan, telling him to tell Kaden he didn’t have to leave. Before he could make a fool of himself, Logan stood and moved over to Kaden’s side to drop his plate in the sink. He noticed that Kaden didn’t jump this time, and grinned like an idiot on the way out of the kitchen.
Kaden finished up the dishes before going to bed. He’d started sleeping more now, every night for at least a few hours even if not the whole night. He hadn’t been lying to Logan when he said he would miss him, his sister, and the ranch. It was a beautiful place to live, and he could only dream of staying here. His mind knew that it wasn’t right, what his heart longed for. To keep from having his heart broken yet again he would have to distance himself, but it might already be too late. He put away the few dishes and snapped off the light, walking to his bedroom. Something told him this would be another restless night.
A couple of weeks went by with the same routine. Kaden, of course, making the meals during the six days the men were out on the ranch, and also Shea kept giving him his riding lessons. He still went out to see Mantacor in the mornings after the men left. The horse had really started to trust him, and he was trying to keep it from being obvious whenever Shea or Logan happened to be around. The horse would stand at the fence and call for him, nickering quietly and pacing back and forth, watching him. It made him feel guilty that he couldn’t say hello or go over and rub his nose. But he knew Logan would be really upset with him.
To his distress, Logan found out. It was about a month into his reign as cook on the ranch, and he went out right after the men left, practically racing to the fence where the horse stood waiting for him. “Hey there, Mantacor,” he crooned softly, laughing quietly as the horse lapped up the sugar cubes in his palm. He patted the side of his neck and laughed louder as the horse nuzzled at his neck.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He heard that deep voice shouting from across the distance, and Kaden saw Logan racing toward him, causing him to back away from the advancing figure in fear.
“Didn’t I tell you to stay away from him? He’s dangerous!” He was shouting at Kaden and without thinking, reached out to grab Kaden’s arm lightly.
Kaden froze. He wondered if Logan intended to hit him and closed his eyes tightly, seeming to scrunch in on himself. Logan realized with horror what Kaden thought and immediately let him go, clenching his hands into fists at his side. “I would think after being around me for the last four weeks you would have figured out by now that I would never, ever hit you, Kaden.” His voice was dangerously low, and Kaden sensed that he’d hurt the older man.
“Stay away from that horse.” With that, the cowboy spun around and stomped to the tool shed behind the barn.
Anger radiated from Logan as Kaden watched the stiff, broad back moving away from him. He didn’t understand how he had the power to hurt Logan like that. It wasn’t like he was anything other than an employee to him. But he knew guilt made him think that, and he tried to repress his mental voice telling him to run, fast and far. Maybe it would just be better if he disappeared from their lives. He had brought nothing but problems and trouble to the siblings, even though they had been kind and gentle from the start. His hand rose instinctively to his cheek, his fingers drifting over the ragged edges of the scar there. It had been awhile since he’d remembered that it existed, and touching it made him remember why he shouldn’t get too close to anyone.
Resolve stiffening his spine, Kaden went into the house, packed the duffel bag he’d brought with him and headed back into the kitchen to make the lunch for the men. He set it out on the table with covers over it to make sure no flies landed on it. Then he threw together dinner and placed it in the oven before quickly writing instructions on paper for Logan to finish up. Knowing that he owed the man a lot, he sat down to write an appropriate thank-you. He wrote of how much he’d loved the time he’d spent on the ranch, and how sorry he was for all the trouble he had caused. He went on to explain that the horse had come to trust him, letting him touch him willingly, and even anticipated his visits each day. He apologized for disobeying Logan’s orders, but he had been drawn to the horse because they were a lot alike. Trust did not come easily.
He propped the letter against the oven timer in the middle of the stove, grabbed his duffel bag from his room, and walked out the front door, but not without looking back for a split second. With a heavy heart, he began his long walk to town. Logan had given him his pay each week, and it rested in the bottom of his duffel bag. He had enough to get back to New York and find an apartment. Maybe it would be a good idea just to go somewhere else. Terry would probably be mad at him for abandoning another job. The sun beat down on him, sweat popping out over his forehead, upper lip, and beneath his arms, but Kaden trudged on, shrugging the bag higher up onto his shoulders. Damn, it was hot. Hopefully, he would be back to town and gone by the time Logan came back for lunch. Only Kaden didn’t count on the fact that Logan would come back to apologize to him.
Kaden reached the town about a half-hour after he left the house because someone stopped to pick him up, giving him a lift. When he hopped down out of the truck, he thanked the guy behind the wheel and turned around to find the dark-haired lady from that night at the bar coming out of a beauty salon. “You’re Kaden, aren’t you?” she asked when she spotted him, heading his way with a smile.
