The Thick of Things, page 10
“I didn’t believe you had.”
“Why?”
“Because of how uncomfortable you were.”
I wanted to ask if and how often he indulged in that kind of behavior, but changed my mind. I didn’t want to know, because I might not have liked his answer. I could hardly believe I was talking to him. Our connection felt bizarre and I wondered whether anything valuable could come out of the craziness between us.
“There’s something I’d like to know,” he said.
“What?”
“Have you forgiven yourself for that lapse?”
“I…I’ll get there. What about you?” I asked, a little surprised I’d even ask.
He cleared his throat before answering. “Things happen and we’re not always in control of everything. I believe in learning from my mistakes, but honestly, I don’t regret the time we spent together. I prefer to think of it as a stroke of good fortune that came my way and that it’s the start of something good. I hope you’ll look at it the same way.”
“I’m not there yet, but I hear you.”
“Next time, I want to see you. Are you on Skype?”
“I am, but—”
He chuckled, then said, “What reason are you going to come up with as to why it’s not a good idea for us to do that?”
“That’s not what I was about to do.”
“I’m open to hearing what that but was about.”
“Actually, I was thinking about my username and password. I’m terrible with things like that.”
That was partly true, but I wasn’t one hundred percent comfortable with the thought of looking him in the eyes if I was going to be as out of sorts as I felt this minute.
“As long as you find out what it is before I call you again, I’m good.”
I smiled when I answered, “Yes, boss man.”
I wanted to ask him if he knew what the hell he was doing, because I sure didn’t. Since we started talking, my stomach was quivering, I was sweating, and I kept feeling the way I had on that night nearly a week ago. Aroused, confused, and discomfited. How he could have me feeling this way when he was nearly six hundred miles away, I couldn’t begin to work out.
I missed what he said next because my mind ran away with me. What would it be like to wake up with him and sit across a table from him, basking in his attention? Suddenly, it hit me that I’d been without those things for such a long time that I missed them.
After I found out about Trent’s cheating, I’d pulled so far away from him that the last time we’d been intimate was close to two years ago. I hadn’t been able to face making love when Amir was no longer part of my world. I’d only gone through the motions to keep Trent happy, which didn’t work. We’d gone from a healthy relationship to a barren one in which neither of us benefited from being together.
The thought of Amir was like a bucket of ice water thrown over my head. I sat up and pulled my legs under me. “Um, sorry, I missed what you said.”
“I was saying I’ll call you on Friday evening.”
“Okay, I’ll figure out my account details.”
“Great. Talk to you then. Take care of yourself.”
“I will.”
I swiped the phone screen and lay on my back, thinking about our conversation. A couple more days would give me time to figure out if I really wanted to follow this path with him, although my heart was telling me something I didn’t want to hear as yet.
My thoughts were a jumble. I was anxious, excited, and nervous, all at the same time. Douglas’s effect on me was like Lazarus syndrome. I’d been existing, but not living. He came along, ripped away my cocoon, and brought me back from a state of dormancy.
In the next moment, I came down from the high I’d experienced.
Amir.
I don’t know what it was about Douglas, but it seemed he was taking over more and more of my mental space. That realization gave me the urge to go and stand in Amir’s room because I sensed I was losing my connection with him.
I got up, leaving my slippers, and went to Amir’s bedroom. As I swung the door open, I breathed in deeply as I always did before I entered his space. The bed stood against the opposite wall and his work desk occupied one corner. I’d put away his textbooks in the drawers, but his notebooks were still on the sides of the desk, as if he’d be writing in them at some point. The PS4 Controller was on the desk top and the pencil cup still overflowed with pens and pencils. Amir’s T-square from his technical drawing class still hung on the wall above the desk.
The bureau held bottles of cologne, deodorant, and lotion resting on a runner. The sheer curtains were a lighter shade of blue than the sheets, but close enough for the color scheme to work. Every so often, I changed the sheets and curtains, but everything else remained. His clothing, shoes, and personal items filled the drawers and closets. I hadn’t worked up the energy to pack or give away his things. Nor did I want to.
I breathed in again as if to inhale Amir’s scent, but his essence was long gone. Only by hugging the pillows and stepping into the closet could I feel close to him now. After I stood there a few more minutes, I left the room and shut the door. This time, I wasn’t on the verge of tears. I hadn’t stayed long enough, nor could I with Corinne in the house.
When I returned to the living room, Corinne was sitting on the sofa eating a sandwich. “I don’t have to ask what you’ve been doing,” she said.
“What d’you mean?” I said, dropping on the seat.
“You look down in the dumps.”
“I had one of those moments.”
She shook her head, but continued chewing.
If I had to guess, I’d say she was eating a chicken sandwich. I had leftovers from the previous evening’s dinner, out of which she’d helped herself.
“I’d offer you one, but I know you won’t eat it. When you’re ready, it’s in the kitchen.”
She’d come over after work as she did a couple of evenings each week. Most times, we spent a few hours talking about everything and nothing. I called it her babysitting time with me. She wouldn’t admit to what she was doing, but I was grateful to her and she knew it.
We'd been chatting when Douglas called, and now I was sure Corinne wanted to know what we’d talked about.
“So? What did he say?”
“He was checking in with me.”
“I take it you didn’t give him a hard time.”
“No, I didn’t. I actually like talking to him.”
Corinne’s eyes opened wide and she put a hand to her throat. “Wow! You almost had to come do some CPR on me. I nearly choked on this sandwich. I’m proud of you though. I wondered if I’d have to intervene, ’cause I know how stubborn you can be.”
She bit off another chunk of bread, drank some sorrel, and chewed for a while before she said, “I think he’ll be good for you.”
I raised one brow, and her reaction was laughter. “The fact that you’re even talking to him is a major milestone.”
“I guess.”
“So, when are you guys seeing each other again?”
“The man just went back home. What kind of question is that?”
“Okay, at least you must know when you’re talking to him again.”
“Friday.”
“Now we have that out of the way, we need to talk about that thing you just did. I mean going to Amir’s room.”
I was a little annoyed with her because I knew exactly what she meant, so I was snarky when I said, “Nothing is off-limits with you, is it?”
“You know me better than anyone else and vice versa. If I can’t call you out when necessary, what’s the point in being best friends?”
I sank against the sofa, deflated. “You’re right, but I don’t have to like it.”
“Anyhow, this is nothing I haven’t said to you before, but now that your life is about to be shaken up…”
When I cocked my eyebrow again, Corinne put up both hands to keep me quiet. “Please hear me out. I said what I said and yes, I feel Douglas is about to turn things upside down. The point is, you also need to be willing to move forward with your life.”
“Nothing is the same as it was and it’s hard to adjust when—”
“You’ve been in counseling long enough to have made more improvement. Honestly, you have me wondering what you talk about when you sit with your therapist. Sometimes I think you have one foot in denial, the other in depression, and I don’t know that you’ll ever get to the stage where you accept that Amir’s death means another phase of life is opening up and you have to move forward.
“Amir meant the world to you, I know that, but you’ve made a shrine for him that you retreat to for your own reasons. I think you do that to ensure you stay in the same place. Every time you think something in your life might change, you spend more time in Amir’s room.”
I stared at Corinne’s shoulder, unwilling to meet her eyes. Mine smarted and I willed my tears not to fall. She’d cut to the heart of the matter and I couldn’t deny the truth in her words.
Her voice was softer when she continued. “Trust me, I understand what you’re doing and it’s unhealthy. I know because I’ve been there. I had to give away all the stuff I bought for Taylor and it took a while. I also had to deal with losing her on my own after Marcus ditched me. It wasn’t easy, but I got past it. You were a rock for me when it happened. I know you have the strength to pull yourself out of this rut you’re buried in.”
Corinne got up and laid the saucer on the center table. She sat beside me, hugging me close. “Honey, you know I love you, but you’re killing yourself by marking time in the same spot. In two years, how has your life improved?”
While I pressed my fingers to the corners of my eyes, Corinne rubbed my shoulder then gripped one of my wrists. “What you did with Douglas might have surprised you, but not me.”
I didn’t say a word, but that didn’t stop Corinne. She prodded me with her shoulder. “Wanna know why?”
“You’re going to tell me whether I want to hear or not, so you might as well get on with it.”
“You haven’t been living since Amir’s accident. I watched you turn into a shell and at times, I was afraid you wouldn’t make it.”
She rubbed my hand and then squeezed. “You’re better now…sort of, but Douglas obviously spoke to the spark of life that remained in you and set it ablaze.”
My smile was unexpected and turned into a grin, although I didn’t feel like laughing. “Has anybody ever told you that you should be writing?”
“What?”
“All this waxing lyrical is making me want to run off and go pen something.”
Her gaze was sober. “Don’t think I don’t know what’s up with you.”
“Nothing is up with me. I swear, you missed your calling. You should have been a psychiatrist.”
“A minute ago, you were telling me something else. Anyhow, no matter how you feel about Douglas. I’m grateful to him.” Her grin was cheeky and full of mischief. “I feel it in my bones that he’s going to save you from yourself.”
She pursed her lips to contain her smile, and I shook my head. “I know you want the best for me but at this point I’m not sure Douglas is it.”
“The best thing for you could slap you in the face and you’d walk right over it.”
“Let’s agree to disagree. Things are not as simple as you think.”
“Of course not. You’re going to come up with something that will throw a spanner in the works ’cause you are your worst enemy.”
“Let’s disagree on that, too, but I didn’t get around to telling you what Trent wanted when he came to see me on Monday.”
She frowned and scratched her scalp. “That’s true. You’re holding out on me now?”
“No, I have to admit I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”
I got up to avoid the reaction I knew would come when I shared my news. After I walked around the living room with her eyes following me, I sat across from her. “Trent wants us to try again, but I told him—”
Corinne sucked her teeth. “You have got to be kidding me.”
“Nope. He thinks—”
“Don’t get me wrong, I like Trent but I’ve always thought he’s too—”
“Will you hear me out?”
“I’m not sure I want to. Please don’t tell me you’re actually thinking about it.”
Trent’s visit had raised memories I wanted to keep buried, but something drove me to play devil’s advocate. “Why shouldn’t I give him a chance?”
Corinne raised both hands as if pleading with me, but her tone was brutal. “If I have to tell you, then you’ve lost more of yourself and your mind than I thought.”
“Calm down. I’m not saying I agreed to anything.”
Corinne sucked her teeth a second time and cut her eyes at me. “I should hope not.”
I ran my fingers through my hair, unraveling the knots that had developed when I lay down.
Corinne was still staring at me as if she thought I’d do something crazy, which amused me. Sure, I’d been hiding from life, but some roads I didn’t need to travel twice. I hadn’t admitted it to myself before, but I liked having my independence and space to do as I chose. Taking Trent back would put an end to my newfound freedom, plus there was Douglas.
With my head tipped to one side, I eyed Corinne. “So, pretend I don’t know some of the opinions you have about my marriage. Tell me, what would be your strongest argument against picking up where Trent and I left off?”
Her gaze was indulgent—the kind a mother gave a child she adored, or the sort a friend gave someone she cared about deeply.
I didn’t realize how keenly I waited for her answer until she spoke. “Because you’ve been putting one foot in front of the other, but not looking forward to each day. Since Douglas…” She shrugged. “Let me put it this way…in talking to you in the last few days, I’ve noticed some things.”
“Such as?” I raised both brows, wondering if she’d say what I expected. If I knew her well, she’d circle back to Douglas.
“For the first time in ages, you sound like you’re alive and looking at you, it’s as if someone breathed new life into you.” She waved a hand at my sweat pants and T-shirr. “You’re not wearing any of those housedresses that remind me of flour bags. And,” she held up a finger. “When you talk about Douglas, your eyes light up.”
I let my gaze drift around the room, unwilling, but honest enough to admit I’d felt different since I returned from Montego Bay.
Corinne interrupted my musing. “All of that means something. You need to explore what it is.”
Sifting through my emotions and motives wasn’t something I welcomed. Calm acceptance had become my style, but I couldn’t deny that even now, the thought of talking to Douglas on Friday excited me. Heck, anything to do with that man made me salivate and pay attention, and that hadn’t been the case in what felt like forever.
fourteen
“I want to see you.”
Douglas’s gaze was direct, disturbing, and piercing. Although I was looking at him on the laptop screen, heat crawled up my neck.
“Really?” My mind took a direct trip to the time we’d spent in his room last week and my whole body felt as if it was about to implode. In the back of my mind, I wondered if he was a pervert or I was the one overreacting.
Douglas waited with his head angled toward the screen.
“You saw me last week.” It was weak, but my thoughts were scrambled and that’s all I could come up with in response to his request.
“Well, I need to see you again.”
When his word registered, my face cleared and I exhaled in relief. For a moment, I thought he wanted some kind of onscreen striptease. “Oh.”
His eyes cleared and he chuckled. “What did you think I meant?”
A strangled burst of laughter came from my throat. “You don’t want to know.”
“Your mind must be an interesting place.” He gave me a slow, lopsided smile that made my heart gallop. “I can’t wait to see you again.”
“Well, you are seeing me now. Sort of.”
“We can’t keep meeting like this…unless you need time to decide whether you can trust me.”
I didn’t want to admit it was myself I didn’t trust, so I let that pass.
He remained silent as if waiting for an answer, but I didn’t know how to wriggle out of the spot I was now in. “Um…”
“Is it easier for you to come here or for me to come back to Jamaica?”
“Are you aware I need a visitor’s visa to come to Miami?”
He nodded. “D’you have one?”
“I do.”
His smile appeared again. “So, why did you mention it?”
I shrugged, feeling foolish. “What if I couldn’t travel?”
“It would mean I’d have to come to you more often.”
I hid my delight as I asked, “You have plans, then?”
“Yes, Khalila, I do. And since you’re reluctant, it means I’ll have to come to you.”
I raised one eyebrow and wrapped some strands of hair around my finger. “You will?”
Douglas nodded and rubbed his thumb and index finger over his moustache. “You have a doubt?”
There wasn’t a trace of amusement on his face. He was that serious about what he planned to do.
“Does next weekend work for you?” he asked.
All of this talk about visiting was surreal. Communicating with him via Skype wasn’t strange to me because it was something I did for business. Some of the publications I wrote for were outside of Jamaica, so video calls were standard but not regular. Talking to Douglas was something different. I felt like a teenybopper playing at a relationship, but the man before me had nothing boyish about him.
His solid frame reminded me all too well of how my body melded to his during our single encounter. How strong he was, and yet gentle when he needed to be. He stroked his moustache again, which made me long to touch it as well. In his eyes, I saw the desire to kiss me. It made me want to be much closer to him than I was at this moment.
