An Unforgivable Secret (Amish Secrets--Book 1), page 7
Christian and Samuel emerged from the barn as well. Hannah watched as Samuel and Peter embraced. Young Elam jumped into his uncle's arms and Samuel spun him around like an airplane. The resemblance between the two of them was remarkable and Hannah wondered, had things turned out differently, what a child of Samuel's would've looked like. At that moment, Samuel’s and Hannah's eyes met and a knowing look passed between them.
Deborah grasped Hannah's hand and pulled her toward the house after offering her two brothers-in-law a quick greeting. She took her infant daughter from Peter's arms and gave her to Hannah to hold. “Hannah, Becky, and I will go round up some snacks for everyone,” she informed the men.
“How did you know Samuel was here?” Hannah wondered aloud as they entered the kitchen.
“The mysterious buggy in your driveway yesterday and someone in town mentioned they thought they’d seen Samuel, so I put two and two together. I'm just wondering why he's here.”
Hannah didn’t miss Deborah’s pointed look. She threw up her free hand. “Don't look at me. I was just as surprised as you are.”
“So he's going to be staying here?” Deborah raised her eyebrows.
“Apparently.” Hannah shrugged.
“And you're okay with that?”
“Deb, I don't have much of a choice. Christian invited him to stay here. I already tried protesting and it didn't work,” Hannah said.
“If I were you, I'd tell Christian about your and Samuel's past relationship.”
Hannah looked at her sister in horror. “Ach, nee. I could never tell him.”
“I hope you know what you're doing, Hannah.” Deborah shook her head. “Having him here in the same house isn't wise.”
“He's not here, he's in the dawdi haus. Besides, it's not my decision to make, Deb. I try to avoid him the best I can. Other than that, there's not much I can do.” The baby began fussing in Hannah's arms and she handed little Becky to her mother. “Besides, he's here for Christian, not for me.”
“I really hope you're right.”
<><><>
Several hours after her sister had left and she'd finished cleaning up the kitchen following supper, Hannah made a beeline for the stairs, determined to stay occupied. Hannah's broom now moved slower and slower as Christian's and Samuel's cheerful voices wafted up the stairs to where she was working. She had no desire to be in Samuel's company, but couldn't help but envy the two men's camaraderie as they sat downstairs playing checkers. It used to be the three of them, but now here she was upstairs by herself while Christian and Samuel laughed downstairs. Why couldn't things just go back to the way they were before love had to come along and complicate everything?
Chapter 15
Samuel living in the dawdi haus hadn't been as difficult as Hannah thought it would be. Of course, the fact that she hardly looked at him or spoke with him may have had something to do with it. She knew she still harbored bitterness toward him, but she didn't expect that to ever go away. It was simply a fact of life.
What Hannah didn't care for was the fact that Samuel was stealing away her time with Christian. Sure, they still went to bed together every night, but everything was different now. It used to be just the two of them at breakfast time talking about their day and what they had planned. Now Samuel and Christian talked about whatever the two of them were doing while Hannah sat listening politely.
Hannah placed her hand on top of her belly. She hadn't even told Christian that she was in the family way again. Maybe she would just not tell him at all. After all, God would probably take this one from her too. Perhaps it was better if Christian didn't know; it would spare him grief.
She glanced into the refrigerator trying to determine what she would prepare for dinner tonight. Christian and Samuel were already out working in the fields although the sun had barely risen. Finding nothing that appealed to her, Hannah surveyed the contents of their basement pantry. She smiled with pride at all of the canned goods she'd managed to put up during the summertime. If her estimation was correct, her lined shelves contained about four hundred jars of various fruits and vegetables. Since it was just her and Christian, she hadn't needed to put up as much as other women with large families did.
Hannah reached up to grab a couple of jars of Chow-Chow from the top shelf, when an excruciating pain suddenly ripped through her middle. She looked down to see a stream of blood pooling on the floor beneath her and immediately collapsed to the floor.
<><><>
Christian lifted his hat and wiped the sweat from his brow. He laughed as his stomach rumbled loud enough for Samuel to hear. He pulled the mules to a stop and glanced back at Samuel.
“Guess it's time for lunch, jah?” Samuel smiled and gulped down the last of his water.
“Jah, let's unhitch the team,” Christian agreed, stepping down from the platform on the trailer.
“What do you supposed Hannah's got for us today?” Samuel raised his eyebrows thinking of the delicious yumaseti they'd had yesterday.
“Ach, I don't know, but I'm sure it will be gut,” Christian said, tasting the food already.
Samuel glanced toward the house then looked back at Christian with a sparkle in his eye. “Race you to the house,” he challenged.
“You're on,” Christian said with a boyish grin.
“One, two, th –” Before Samuel had finished the word, Christian bolted. “Hey, that's cheating!”
“Hurry up, Old Man, before I beat you,” Christian hollered over his shoulder.
As Samuel and Christian clattered into the house panting, the kitchen appeared to be empty. They both moved toward the sink for a drink of water. Christian glanced at the clock, surprised that Hannah didn't have lunch out on the table yet. He walked to the stove and peered into an empty pot. Puzzled, Christian went to check if Hannah was in the bedroom but quickly realized she wasn't there either.
“Hannah,” he called out but heard no response. He took the stairs two at a time to check if maybe she'd been working in one of the upstairs rooms and hadn't heard him.
“I can't find her anywhere,” he said to Samuel as he descended the staircase.
“Could she be outside?” Samuel suggested.
“Why don't you go check? She may be in the garden. I'll see if she's in the basement,” Christian said. “Hannah!” he called out prior to descending the steps.
When Christian hit the final step, he spotted Hannah lying on the floor in a pool of blood. He rushed over to her, but she appeared pale and unconscious. Christian hollered up the steps, “Samuel! Samuel!”
In less than a minute, Samuel flew down the stairs where he'd heard Christian calling from outside. “What's wrong?” he said before spotting Hannah on the floor. Christian gave him a helpless look and Samuel noticed the blood surrounding Hannah. “Oh no! I'll call an ambulance.”
As quickly as he could, Samuel ran to the barn where Christian had installed a phone a year earlier. Within minutes, the shrill of a siren pierced the quiet countryside. Samuel sent up a silent prayer for Hannah's wellbeing.
<><><>
Beep...beep...beep...beep. Hannah's eyes fluttered open and she surveyed her surroundings. She spotted the heart monitor where the noise resounded from. Christian sat on a plastic chair next to her bed and took her hand, releasing an anxious sigh.
“Hannah,” he said rising from the chair and planting a kiss on her forehead. “You're awake.”
“What happened?” Hannah asked, not remembering she’d collapsed in the cellar. “I...I was fixing lunch.”
“Don't worry about lunch, Lieb,” Christian reassured her. “The doctor will come in later to let us know what happened with you.”
“The boppli, did I lose it?” Hannah frowned.
His pained expression told her all she needed to know. Why, Lord?
“You...you knew you were in the family way? How come you didn't tell me?” Christian asked.
“You and Samuel were so busy. I...I just didn't think you cared to know. I knew I would probably lose it anyway,” Hannah said brushing away a tear.
Christian's heart broke at her words. “Oh Hannah, how could you think I wouldn't want to know about a boppli? I'm sorry I haven't spent much time with you lately. That will change,” he promised, gently stroking her hand.
Hannah eyes turned toward the opening door as she watched the doctor stride toward her bed. The doctor peered down at her chart. “Your husband says this is your third miscarriage. Is that correct?” His bushy brown eyebrows raised.
“Jah,” she answered quietly.
“Why does she keep losing the babies?” Christian asked in hopes of finding a solution to her failed pregnancies.
“It's difficult to tell, but I'm guessing it has something to do with a past abortion. Her cervix –”
Hannah’s head shot up.
“Her...her what?” Christian asked in confusion.
Hannah stared down at her hands. No, God! Please. Please don't let Christian find out. He can't find out!
The doctor continued, “Her damaged cervix indicates that a prior abortion –”
“I’m sorry, Doctor, but that can't be right. My Hannah has never had an abortion,” Christian stated adamantly. “Tell him, Hannah. Tell the doctor he's wrong,” he said confidently.
The doctor’s knowing gaze penetrated Hannah’s reticent one.
Hannah swallowed hard and her guilt-ridden eyes met Christian's. She remained silent. Oh, the pain. Hannah couldn't speak.
“Hannah?” Christian looked at her in confusion, his eyes registering her shamefacedness. “It's...it's true?” His prior confidence quickly dwindled.
Hannah bowed her head and a tear trickled down her cheek.
The doctor quietly slipped out of the room to allow them privacy.
“No!” Christian dropped her hand as though it were a burning coal. He paced back and forth on the floor near her bed. “When, Hannah? When did you have an abortion?” His voice wavered.
“Before we were married,” she admitted quietly.
“But we never...” Christian lifted his hat and raked a hand through his hair. His face darkened and his hands began shaking. “You...you fornicated with another man? Who?”
Hannah shook her head, refusing to divulge any more of her secret.
“Who?” he yelled, not caring if the entire hospital heard. His face burned with anger.
Hannah remained silent.
“I...I don't know what to say, Hannah.” Christian's heart beat rapidly. How could I have lived with Hannah this long and not known this? What kind of a woman did I marry? Certainly not the pure white lily I had thought – that she portrayed herself to be.
Christian released an elongated breath. He made his decision. “I'll be moving into the dawdi haus with Samuel. If any of our family asks why, you are explaining it to them. I will no longer dwell in the same house with you. We will be married in name only. To me, you are shunned.” With that, Christian turned on his heel and left the hospital.
Hannah sobbed into her palms and cried as she never had before. She'd known this is what would happen if her secret was ever divulged. It was only a matter of time before she was rejected by their entire community.
Hannah remembered the events of the past as though they had happened just yesterday. If only she could go back and do things differently...
Chapter 16
Five years prior…
Samuel had seen Christian and Hannah go outside the barn, but he didn’t think anything of it. Now, though, the singing had begun. They should’ve been back in by now. He was about to get up and go search for them, when he noticed Hannah entering the barn alone. He watched as she whispered into her sister’s ear. Deborah nodded and squeezed her hand. With a distraught countenance, Hannah walked out of the barn. Samuel knew he had to find out what was going on.
A quarter mile up the road, he spotted her walking toward home. Samuel jogged to catch up with her and soon he strode by her side. “Hannah, is everything okay?”
She sobbed and brushed away a tear. “Nee, Samuel.”
“If you’d like to talk, I’m here to listen,” Samuel offered. “Does it have something to do with Christian? Did you two have an argument?”
Hannah quietly nodded her head. “Samuel, Christian…he’s been seeing an Englisch girl,” she cried.
Oh no. How did she find out?
“I saw them together at the restaurant last night,” she explained, answering his unspoken question.
Samuel felt like he could wring Christian’s neck right about now. He always feared she’d get hurt by Christian’s thoughtlessness, but only now did he realize the tremendous pain it caused her. He needed to find a way to lift her spirits and cheer her up. “What are you going to do?” he wondered aloud.
“I don’t know. He said he still wants to marry me, but I can’t trust him anymore.”
Samuel thought for a moment, pondering what might bring a smile to her beautiful face. He needed to get her mind off of Christian. “Hey, our mouse catcher had kittens a few weeks ago. Would you like to see them?”
A small smile cracked at the corner of her mouth and Samuel knew he’d found a solution, albeit temporary. “Jah, denki, Samuel.”
<><><>
Samuel entered the dark barn first and quickly found the lantern that hung by the door. Night had fallen outside, resulting in pitch blackness inside the barn’s interior. He swiped a match and a flame emanated from the wick inside the glass dome. He’d done this so many times; he could probably do it with his eyes closed.
“The litter is up in the haymow,” he explained as he stepped onto the first rung of the wooden ladder and slowly began climbing.
Hannah nodded her consent and followed him up. The haymow had always been one of her favorite places to play as a child. She and her siblings would often play hide and seek behind the large stacks of hay. She wondered if Samuel had had similar experiences.
“Did ya ever play hide and seek up here?” Hannah asked as she glanced around the spacious upper level of the barn. Lack of sufficient light prevented her from seeing more than just a few feet around them.
“Ach, jah. ’Twas a lot of fun.” Samuel smiled, and then pulled a small flashlight from his pocket. “Wait here. I will bring the mouse catchers.” He left the lantern near Hannah.
Hannah sat down on a bale of hay and breathed in deeply. She’d always loved the smell of sweet alfalfa. She pulled a piece of straw from the bale she sat on and placed it between her teeth, contently chewing it.
Samuel reappeared with two small kittens. One was pure white and the other was striped gray, a tabby. He held them out to her and she took the white one from his hand. She placed it into her lap and began to pet its soft fur. The kitten gently licked her fingers with its rough sandpaper-like tongue.
“Ach, this one is so cute!” she gushed.
Samuel pulled out a hay straw as well and began chewing on it. “My bruder and I used to light the end of these and pretend we were smoking. I don’t know why we did it. We would cough so bad, it was terrible.” He laughed, recalling the memory. “Until one day Peter accidentally dropped his and almost caught the barn on fire.”
Hannah attempted to cover a laugh with her hand. “Ach, no. Really?”
“Jah. Dat found out and gave us a whipping for it.” He grimaced, still remembering the pain on his back side. “Don’t tell your sister, though. Peter won’t like me telling his business.”
“I won’t.” Hannah smiled, recalling a memory of her own. “My schweschdern and I used to make hay dolls.” She quickly pulled out a small handful of long straw from the bale. Samuel watched with interest as her skillful fingers bent the straw, twisting and turning it in her hands, then fastening it into what, indeed, looked like a doll. “See?” She smiled, holding up her creation.
“Jah, pretty creative. I always wondered what the maedel were doing when they were supposed to be working,” he teased.
Hannah feigned offense and covered a giggle. She playfully threw the hay doll at him.
Ach, Samuel loved seeing the joy on her face once again. If only he could remove her pain forever. Samuel stroked the kitten in his lap. “Did ya know that cats can fall from really high places and not get hurt?” he asked.
“Jah, I think I read about that somewhere. Probably back when we were in school.”
“Well, Peter and I tested the theory and found it to be true. We used to drop them from the haymow.” Samuel chuckled. “Until one time we didn’t realize that Dat was walking below and one landed on him. Peter and I didn’t fare too well that time either. It just so happened that Dat looked up right after we’d launched the kitten and it scratched his face up real gut. He sure wasn’t very happy about that.”
Hannah laughed. “I can imagine. It sounds like you and Peter were an apronful of mischief.”
“Jah, we were for sure. Much more than the others,” Samuel said, his eyes sparkling. “Mamm says we still are sometimes.”
Hannah reached over and squeezed Samuel’s hand. “Denki, Samuel. I really needed a friend tonight.”
Samuel sobered. “You know, Hannah, Christian is a gut man.” He released her hand.
Hannah rose from the bale. “Please, Samuel, don’t. I don’t want to talk about Christian. He…” Her voice broke into a sob. She swallowed to stop herself from breaking down again.
Samuel went to her and gently touched her arm. “Ach, I’m sorry, Hannah.” Samuel silently chided himself. He should’ve known better than to mention Christian’s name.
Samuel is such a thoughtful, caring man. “I wish I’d fallen in love with you instead. You’re so kind, Samuel.” She held his gaze, his hazel eyes glistened in the lantern light.
Samuel stepped forward and gently stroked her cheek. “I…I care for you, Hannah.” He swallowed hard. “I always have.”
“Jah, we’ve always been gut friends,” she said, denying her growing attraction to Samuel.
