An Unforgivable Secret (Amish Secrets--Book 1), page 13
All eyes turned to Beverly when she spoke again. “Jim is going to hand out notebooks to each of you. This is where you’ll be completing all of your writing assignments. The first assignment will be to write your story. We all have a story or we wouldn’t be here. Perhaps you’ve never told your whole story to anyone before. We’ve found that just writing your story down on paper can be tremendously freeing. This is your first step on the road to healing. And don’t worry, you won’t have to share it with anyone if you don’t want to. This is for yourself and for the Lord. Feel free to pour your heart out onto the paper.”
After a pleasant dinner with the other couples and the leaders of the retreat, Hannah was anxious to get back to their cabin and begin writing her story. Thankfully, it had been her left arm that broke, otherwise, she wouldn’t have been able to complete any of the writing assignments.
She quickly discovered that the counselor had been correct. With each line she wrote, she felt as though one of the shackles had loosened. And by the time her story was entirely written out, one of the links had fallen off. It would still be a long way until she was completely free, but the door had been cracked open and a smidgen of hope broke through the darkness.
Chapter 28
As the weekend progressed, Christian and Hannah both felt as though they’d come a long way. They discovered that Post-Abortion Syndrome is wrought by intense trauma and, in order to cope, they had erected certain defense mechanisms. As the symptoms of PAS were read – among them were guilt, fear, flashbacks/nightmares, depression and thoughts of suicide, longing to replace the child that had been lost, along with others – Hannah recognized that she had been experiencing many of them.
Christian also carried around many burdens associated with the abortion, even though the child hadn’t been his. He remembered how he’d felt after Hannah had miscarried each of their three, and now sympathized with Samuel. He realized Samuel had probably been reeling from the loss of his child at the time of his death. Why is that I was so engulfed in my own pain, that I couldn’t see Samuel’s? And all I had was condemnation for my best friend when he’d needed me most. The thought grieved his heart mercilessly.
After they had gone through several activities with the other attendees, most of them involving writing, their weekend was quickly coming to a close. The exercises had dealt with relief and denial, anger, and depression. All of these elements were like bricks in a wall that had been erected in their lives. And each one necessitated breaking down prior to forgiveness and healing taking place.
Now, for the toughest part of all: letting go.
“For this final exercise, we’d like each participant to write a letter to your lost loved one. If you’ve lost more than one child, write a letter to each one,” the instructor advised. “And if you haven’t given your child a name yet, consider doing that now. We will meet back in this room after lunch. The memorial service will conclude our weekend.”
Hannah turned to Christian. “I will write four letters: one for each of our three and one for Samuel’s.” The hurt that Hannah expected to see in Christian’s eyes was non-existent – evidence he’d dealt with his previous anger and guilt. He now only held empathy and understanding.
Christian grasped his wife’s hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “Jah, I will too.”
“I’m so glad you’re here with me, Christian. It is difficult, for certain sure, but without you it would be much more so.” She leaned into her husband’s embrace.
“I love you, Hannah. And I promise I’ll never leave you again. I can see now how God put us together. We need each other.” Christian paused. “And I don’t know if you realize this or not, but I think I needed this just as much as you did.”
Hannah wanted to kiss away the tears in Christian’s eyes. She was grateful they had both grown so much over these last couple of days, and there was no doubt in Hannah’s mind that Der Herr had orchestrated it all.
Hannah named her and Samuel’s first and only child after its father; and since she didn’t know whether the child was male or female, Hannah named the baby Sam – appropriate for either gender.
She and Christian both decided on names for their three lost little ones. Since the first two had been boys, they’d been named Chris, after Christian, and Silas, after Hannah’s father. The third child – a girl – was named Miriam, after Hannah’s mother.
After Christian and Hannah arrived back at their cabin, Hannah pulled out her notebook and began lovingly penning the words she’d had bottled up inside for years. The first letter to little Sam seemed to be the most difficult because she’d realized the innocent child had undoubtedly suffered pain during the abortion. She, the mother who was meant to love, protect, and nurture her unborn child, had instead consented to her baby’s death. Although she’d tried to forgive herself for that horrifying act, it proved to be a daily struggle.
The ink on the page blurred as the floodgates opened and she poured out her heart to her little one. Admitting her sin to baby Sam on paper had been more difficult than telling the baby’s father about it. She knew now that Samuel probably would have given his life for their little one and that realization shamed her. But she quickly reminded herself that she no longer needed to hold on to her guilt and that Christ’s sacrifice was sufficient to forgive her guilt and shame. My grace is sufficient for thee. The words soothed her soul like a healing balm.
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“This final session usually proves to be the most healing and most memorable for our attendees. We’d like each of you to come up to the podium, one by one or with your spouse, and read the letters to your loved ones. After you’ve read your letters, place them in the box at the foot of the cross.” The speaker gestured toward a rugged two foot wooden cross that sat atop a table with a beautifully carved white box in front of it. “We will bury the box as a representation of our sins being buried with Christ and as a symbol of releasing our loved ones into the Father’s hands.”
To Christian’s surprise, Hannah shot up from her seat first. He grasped her hand. “Do you want me to go with you?”
Hannah shook her head. “I need to do it on my own.”
With a strength Christian had never witnessed, he watched as his wife confidently approached the podium. The first three letters she’d read were to their little ones that she’d miscarried and Hannah had read them with a few tears. When she read the last one to Samuel’s boppli, he was certain there wasn’t a dry eye in the room.
Dear Little Sam,
Hello, Sweet One. You may not know me, but I am your Mamm. I look forward to the day we can meet face to face.
First of all, I want to say that I hope you’re happy up in Heaven with Jesus. I know it must be beautiful up there. I’m sure you’ve already met your brothers and sister. And your dat. I bet he was so excited to see you. He loves you very much.
I’m so sorry for ending your life. If there is anything in my life that I could go back and undo, that would be it. I’m sorry that I was selfish and valued myself and my life above yours. I’m sorry that I didn’t love and cherish you as a mother should. I’m sorry that I’ll never know you this side of Heaven.
Please forgive me.
One day I hope to give you the love that you should have had here. I look forward to the day I can hold you in my arms. If only I could do that now…
I know that I can’t, but because of what Jesus did for me, I know I will see you in Heaven one day.
Goodbye, Sweet One!
Mamm
After the final ceremony and burial, every couple was presented a brass plate for each of their aborted children and a brick for each child that had been miscarried. They were informed that the plaques and bricks could be imprinted with their children’s names and sent or taken to the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, Tennessee and affixed to the wall of names of lost innocents.
Christian determined that he would take Hannah to Tennessee and have their children’s names added to the thousands of others memorialized there.
Chapter 29
Although the retreat had been refreshing, Hannah was thankful to be home. To her, it seemed as though she and Christian had barely gotten married and they were just beginning their lives together. Now, though, she wasn’t hiding any secrets and she could be completely open with Christian. Just that burden being lifted felt so gut.
She’d come home from the retreat with a list of things she needed to do. Number one on the list was telling her parents, Samuel’s parents, and Christian’s parents about the abortion and the impact it’d had on all their lives. It was not going to be an easy task. Hannah now knew the destruction keeping secrets could bring; especially a secret of this magnitude.
Christian leaned over her shoulder from behind the couch and pecked her cheek. “Whatcha doin’?”
“Ach, just thinkin’ about how our folks and Samuel’s folks will react. I’m scared, Christian.”
He rounded the couch and abruptly plopped down next to her. He took her hand in his. “Give it to God. Remember, you cannot control others’ reactions. Keep in consideration their pain and give them grace. I don’t expect them to be happy about it.”
“Nee, that they will not be. I just wish it wasn’t so hard.” She brushed away a tear.
“It will get easier. It already has, jah?” He squeezed her hand.
“Yes. The retreat helped a lot. Denki for everything, Christian. For understanding and helping me through all this. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”
“It is not me that has carried you through this. It was Der Herr.” Christian loosened her kapp and delightfully watched her long hair tumble down from her bun. “Kumm, tomorrow will be a long day. You need your rest.”
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Hannah took a deep breath as she knocked on the back door of the Beachy home. She and Christian had seen Samuel’s father enter the barn just prior to their arrival. Surely he was busy working in his harness shop and didn’t wish to be disturbed. Maybe they should come back another time.
Just as Hannah’d convinced herself to turn around, Samuel’s mother answered the door. “Hannah, Christian! To what pleasure do we owe this visit?” Her smile welcomed them into the house.
Oh Lord, please help me. “We need to discuss something important with you and your husband,” Hannah said as she felt Christian’s hand of support on the small of her back. “It is best if the kinner are not around.”
Her countenance quickly sobered. “Paul is in the barn. How about if we join him there?”
Hannah cringed. The last place she wanted to be was in Samuel’s parents’ barn. Even though she attempted to suppress them, memories of her intimate time with Samuel still plagued her conscience. She didn’t say anything and quietly followed Samuel’s mother out to the barn.
“Paul,” Samuel’s mother called out. “Christian and Hannah are here. They say they have something important to discuss with us.”
Samuel’s father set the leather strap he’d been working on down on his work table and wiped his hands on a nearby rag. He extended his hand to Christian and nodded politely to Hannah.
Hannah’s toes curled inside her shoes. She took a deep breath. “You are not going to like what I have to say, but I must say it anyway.” She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, summoning the courage to speak the words she knew she must. “Before Christian and I married, Samuel and I conceived a child. I ended the boppli’s life without him knowing.”
Hannah watched as the reality slowly set in. She continued. “When he returned from Ohio, just prior to his death, he found out about our boppli. He…he was not happy with what I’d done, but he did forgive me. I hope you will too.” Hannah handed Samuel’s mother the letter Samuel had written to her. “I’m…I’m so sorry.” Hannah wiped a tear from her cheek.
Confusion was replaced with shock which now registered on their expressions. Samuel’s mother looked as though all the blood had drained from her face. “You mean our Samuel had a child? I don’t believe this.” She shook her head. “How…Why…I don’t know what to say.”
“Surely our son would have informed us if he’d had a child,” Paul stated skeptically.
She glanced up at Samuel’s father. “Samuel didn’t know. He went out to Ohio before I found out that I was in the family way,” Hannah explained. “He didn’t know until the day he died. He probably would have told you about it eventually.”
“Wait, what do you mean you ended the child’s life?” Samuel’s mother asked.
Hannah sucked in a breath. “I had an abortion.”
She gasped. Full realization had finally sunk in. “You…you aborted our grossboppli? You killed Samuel’s only child?” Hannah watched as tears formed in Samuel’s mother’s eyes. “How could you do that? Who gave you the right to play God?”
This is exactly what Hannah was afraid of. “Nobody. I’m sorry.”
“We could have a…” she counted on her fingers “…a five-six year old grandchild. He or she would be starting school now.”
Tears rose in Hannah’s eyes. How many times had she had those very same thoughts? She remained silent. What could she say?
“If you didn’t want Samuel’s boppli, I surely would have taken it. How could you be so selfish, Hannah? To not only hide Samuel’s baby from him, but to deny Paul and me the right to our own grossboppli? Imagine, Paul, we could be raising Samuel’s boppli now.” She brushed away a tear.
“We will go now,” Christian spoke.
“Yes, I think you need to,” Paul agreed.
Samuel’s mother spoke again. “I must say, I’m ashamed of you, Hannah Glick. I thought you had more decency than that. I never would have thought that sweet little Hannah Stolzfus would become a murderer. The bishop should have you shunned for this. I –”
“That’s enough!” Christian’s voice rose. “Have you never made a mistake in your life? Why don’t you just pick up a stone and throw it at her? Did you not hear her say that she’s sorry?”
Christian put his arm around his wife. “Let’s go, Hannah.” He led her out of the barn to their buggy, opened the door for Hannah, and helped her up. “I’m sorry, Hannah. I did not expect Samuel’s parents to react that way.”
“Neither did I, but I think I understand. They are hurting. They’ve lost their son and now their grandchild. We must not hold any bitterness against them.” Hannah watched the trees passing by as they neared the edge of the Beachy property.
“You’re right. I just hope it goes better with our parents,” Christian said.
“I don’t think it could get any worse, jah?”
“I don’t see how it could. I admire you, Hannah. You are a strong woman.”
She squeezed his hand. “Denki, Christian. But I assure you, I do not feel strong.”
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As Hannah and Christian sat in her parents’ living room, her mother gathered her in a comforting embrace.
“I knew something was wrong.” Miriam shook her head. “I’m sorry, Hannah. I had no idea you were suffering so much. I wish you would have come to us in the first place. I know we would have been upset at first, but we could have gotten through it. I’m sorry if there was anything I did or said that made you think you couldn’t confide in me.” Her eyes filled with compassion.
“I was just so scared, Mamm. I was afraid that Samuel didn’t love me anymore. Scared that you and Dat would be disappointed. Afraid of hurting Christian and being rejected. I didn’t know what to do. I thought everything would be easier if I just wasn’t pregnant. But what I didn’t realize is that the abortion did not make me un-pregnant. It made me the mother of a dead baby. If I had any idea how much sorrow it would cause, how much more complicated it would actually make my life…” She shook her head. “I’ve messed up so many things. We’ve lost so much because of my decision. Christian and I will never have our own bopplin.”
“Jah, that is true. But Der Herr has forgiven you, Hannah,” her father Silas reminded.
Hannah swiped the moisture from her eyes. “I know, Dat. I just wish I would have been wiser. I wish I would have done things differently.”
“We all wish that we could do that; but we can’t, can we? It is all in Gott’s hands, Hannah,” her mother assured. “Der Herr can take the disgraceful and make something beautiful out of it. He has already healed your and Christian’s marriage, jah?”
Hannah glanced at her husband’s smiling face. Oh, she was so thankful for his support. “Jah. Christian has been wonderful.” Christian squeezed her hand.
“Will you stay for dinner?” Mamm asked, changing the subject.
Christian looked to Hannah and raised his eyebrows.
“Ach, denki for asking, Mamm. But we still need to visit Christian’s folks tonight,” she said regrettably.
“Why don’t the two of you come for supper after meeting on Sunday then? How does that sound?” Mamm asked.
Christian perked up. “That sounds great. Hannah and I would love to come.”
“And we would love to have you,” Silas added.
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Christian’s folks had also responded with empathy and understanding. While they were saddened that they would never have grossboppli from Hannah and Christian and disappointed that Christian would not have an heir to carry on his name, they were proud of how their son supported his wife.
With each visit they’d made, including the visit with Samuel’s parents, Hannah felt lighter. It was as though, brick by brick, the stone wall was crumbling. She couldn’t remember a time, since the abortion, that she’d felt this free. God truly was gracious!
Chapter 30
The idea had come to her in the middle of the night. Hannah shot up from the bed, grabbed her journal from the nightstand, and hurried downstairs to light the lamp. As she sat on the sofa, she quickly penned all she could remember from her dream.
