Obsessed, page 4
“A work thing?” He raised both eyebrows. “On a Sunday? That seems a bit odd in your profession.”
“Really, it’s nothing. You have my undivided attention.” He most definitely did not. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been so distracted.
Dr. Clark put his notebook and pen down. “It’s not about giving me your undivided attention. It’s about you wanting to be here. It’s about showing up for yourself, James. Putting yourself first for once in your life.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry. Lay it on me, Doc. I’m…present.” I figured he’d like the meditation term.
“Great.” He picked his notepad back up. “Let’s move on then. How are the breathing exercises going that I gave you?”
I only really used them when my mind wandered to Penny. I was hoping that if I could focus on breathing maybe I could unfocus my mind on her. But it wasn’t working. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Reminding myself to breathe around her did at least stop me from grabbing her and kissing her though. So it was probably working better than I realized. “It’s easier when I run.”
“It is easier with exercise. Speaking of which, how is the yoga going?”
I laughed. “I’m not doing yoga.”
He wrote something down in his notebook and I frowned.
I hated when he wrote stuff down. I pressed my lips together so I wouldn’t say anything else notebook worthy.
“How do you know you don’t like yoga if you won’t even try it?”
I had tried it. I’d tuned into a workout channel on TV and given it five whole minutes before I decided it wasn’t for me. Everything was just so slow. If I did that for an hour I’d be bored out of my mind. But Dr. Clark wouldn’t view five minutes as trying. I shrugged. “I have tried it. And I prefer more fast-paced exercises. Running, specifically. We’ve already talked about this.”
“We have, but I was under the impression that you’d give it a real go. The whole point is to introduce new activities into your routine. Things to preoccupy your mind. And the best part about yoga is that it will facilitate your breathing exercises too. It’s a win-win.”
He wanted me to be able to control my thoughts. But I was in control of them. I thought about the phone in my pocket. Most of them. “I don’t need to do yoga. I’ve been good. Really. And I have a very set routine.”
“During the week, sure. But what about the weekends? What were you doing this morning?”
Thinking about that phone call. “I ate breakfast, went on a run, looked over my lesson plans for the week.”
“And what are you planning to do with the rest of your afternoon and evening?”
I had nothing in mind other than obsessing over that phone call. But there was no reason for Penny to call me on a Sunday night. At least, I hoped not. Partying on a Sunday night was a bit extreme. Not that I was one to judge.
“Ah, the pause,” Dr. Clark said. “Idle minds, James. Idle minds lead to nothing good and we both know it. Do yoga tonight.”
“You’re relentless.”
“It’s my job. And this time when you try it, give it more than five minutes.”
He was a freaking mind reader. I sighed. He was also the best in the business, which was why I was sitting here. I basically paid him to read my mind. “Deal.”
He nodded. “But reminding yourself to take deep breaths has been helping in general?”
“Mhm.” I guess.
“Because we could also revisit the rubber band…”
“No, I’m good. Really.” For a few weeks when I’d first started seeing him he’d made me wear a rubber band around my wrist. I was supposed to snap it whenever I lost focus on the present. I hated that damn rubber band. All I did all day was snap it. And if I put it on now? Penny was all I could think about. It would be slow torture.
“Okay, back to your work thing, then. What is that really about?”
It was the one thing I didn’t want him to read my mind on. “Like I said before, it’s nothing important.”
“We’ve spent a lot of time together in the past several months. You’ve never been distracted by work before. Are your classes going well this semester?”
“Yes.”
“Our time right now is supposed to be a priority. So what work thing could possibly need your attention on a Sunday afternoon then?”
Penny. There wasn’t really any use in lying to Dr. Clark. He’d eventually get the truth out of me anyway. I knew my thoughts regarding Penny were wrong. And I also knew Dr. Clark would tell me that. Of course he would. So I might as well rip the Band-Aid off. Maybe him telling me I was being inappropriate would finally shake this girl out of my system. It was one thing for me to know what I wanted to do…it was another thing entirely for someone to stare at me accusingly. Screw it. I already thought I was a monster. I’m pretty sure he did too. “It isn’t work…exactly. I gave my number to someone.” I was trying to find the right words to describe Penny when Dr. Clark cut in.
“Oh, is it a colleague?”
Well, that seemed a hell of a lot better than a student. Dr. Clark’s mindreading was a little off today, but I was thankful. “Yes. And I’ve been waiting all weekend to hear back from her.” This was a conversation I could get on board with. I could certainly talk about my “colleague” for the rest of my session. Talking about Penny was a hell of a lot better than debating the merits of yoga.
Dr. Clark nodded. No smile. Just a simple nod, which made me think the next thing he said wasn’t going to be good even though I hadn’t even mentioned the student thing. “What are the school’s policies about dating fellow faculty members?”
Probably more lenient than the ones regarding dating students. “I don’t know. I’ll have to look into it.”
“James, I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think you’re in the right state of mind to be in a relationship.”
I hadn’t been expecting that. For some reason I thought he’d be happy for me. But Dr. Clark and I weren’t friends. He wasn’t here to tell me good job. He was here to help me get my act together. “Who said anything about a relationship?” I said it as a joke, but still no smile from him. Yeah, he could see right through me.
“Do you think maybe you like this colleague of yours simply because she is off-limits?”
Huh. Did I like Penny simply because she was off-limits? Honestly…maybe. Possibly? A temptation for something I shouldn’t do…it wouldn’t be the first time. Dr. Clark and I both knew it. But then I thought about how it felt easier to breathe when I was around Penny. It wasn’t about wanting something I couldn’t have. If anything, it felt like wanting something I didn’t deserve. Because I could have Penny. I knew I could have her if I wanted. But I definitely didn’t deserve someone like her. Innocent. Sweet. Happy.
“I don’t think that’s it,” I said. “I was attracted to her before I realized she was a…co-worker.” For a brief moment when she fell into my arms, before I saw her backpack. Before she showed up in my class.
“You really think you’re ready to enter into a healthy relationship? One based on honesty? Complete honesty, James?”
He didn’t say it, but I knew he was referring to the fact that sometimes I wasn’t even honest with him. And he was my freaking therapist. I didn’t have an answer for him. Was I ready? Did it matter? I couldn’t be in a relationship with a student. “I want to be ready. But I don’t know if I am. Aren’t you supposed to tell me that?”
Finally he smiled. “That’s what I’m trying to assess. You’ll need to tell her about your past. Everything.”
“That’s a great way to end it before it even begins.”
“I’m not talking about telling her on the first date. But before it gets serious.”
Serious? I couldn’t let it get serious. So that wasn’t going to be a problem. Penny and I would always just be a student and her teacher. Minor flirtations maybe, but nothing more. “Yeah…I can do that.”
“Great.” He closed his notebook. “I say go for it.”
“Really?”
“You’ve isolated yourself from your family and all your old friends. You’ve been alone in this town for far too long. This is the first time you’ve joked during a session. And I’ve never seen you smile this much.”
I felt the curve of my lips. I hadn’t even realized I’d been smiling.
“Whoever this woman is, she’s clearly good for you.”
If only you knew. But there was truth to what Dr. Clark said, even though he didn’t have all the facts. Thinking about Penny did make me smile. I felt like joking again. Smiling again. If only she really was a colleague.
There was a knock on the door.
“Ah, our time is up,” he said. “Same time next week?”
“Yeah.” I stood up.
“You’ll have to let me know what she says when she finally calls you. And she will.”
I pulled out my cell phone and looked down at the blank screen as I walked back out into the reception area. Dr. Clark was right, Penny would eventually text me. From the outside I was a catch. But if she ever found out about my past? My secrets? The worst-case scenario would definitely ensue. She’d run straight to the dean. I’d get fired for fraternizing. Penny literally had the evidence in her syllabus. And I would never get another second chance at starting over. At least not as a professor.
But it felt good to be smiling again. I just wasn’t sure that happiness was worth the risk.
Chapter 7
Monday
I did my best not to look at Penny as I walked into my classroom. But it was impossible to miss the extra makeup on her eyes. Or the short skirt. Or the fact that I was pretty sure she was trying to slowly kill me.
She didn’t need that extra makeup or a skirt that short to get my attention. She looked gorgeous even in one of my sweaters and a pair of rainboots. But then I had the numbing thought that she wasn’t trying to look good for me.
She’d never texted me, which was for the best. I knew that. I’d told myself that over and over again last night. For a moment my mind wandered to our last conversation. She mentioned dreaming about me in passing. And I’d teased her about it. I dropped my satchel, and then the next thing I knew, words I hadn’t meant to speak were coming out of my mouth.
"Today I thought it might be fun to talk about a recent dream we've had,” I said. So much for my lesson plan. Again. I smiled, trying to dismiss the thought. I’d already dug my heels into this topic, so I might as well get the information I was seeking. "And I'll kick us off." I tried to think of an appropriate answer. Anything to derail this train wreck of an assignment. But I could only think about one thing. Penny. I’d been lying to myself all weekend, trying to pretend she meant nothing. I’d been lying to my therapist about Penny too. And for once it would feel good to be honest. The truth would mean nothing to my students. Well, except for one.
"Ah, I remember one." I put my hands in my pockets, thinking about my latest dream. The dream that had been haunting me for the past week. "Last night I dreamt that it was pouring outside. And I just had this feeling that I was waiting for something to happen. Something exciting." I leaned against my desk and tried not to look up. I tried so fucking hard not to look. But I couldn’t resist. I needed her to know I was thinking about her. Just one glance. How much harm could it do?
I locked eyes with Penny. And in that one second, I knew I was completely screwed. Her throat made a weird squeaking noise and her cheeks grew red. But she didn’t look away. She stared back, and for some reason that made me want her even more. If we had been alone, I’d… Breathe.
I turned my attention back to the rest of the class. No one seemed to notice that I had been staring at her. Or that she had been staring back at me. The rest of my students were oblivious. Most of them probably weren’t paying attention to me at all. If they were, they would have seen it. They would have seen how fucking much I wanted the gorgeous redhead in the back row. They would have known I wanted to devour her. That I was growing hard just thinking about it. Breathe.
I tried to focus on the rest of the students’ dreams. A few of them were funny enough to make me laugh. My therapist was definitely right. I was happy. For once in my life I felt carefree. My eyes landed on Penny’s name on my roster. Finally. I wanted her to flirt back. I wanted her to be brazen. Like it was just the two of us in this room. I needed to know if she was thinking about me too or if this was just in my head. “Penny Taylor,” I said.
She quickly stood up, her skirt riding up higher on her thighs. A necklace plunged between her breasts, disappearing beneath her tank top. God, I was jealous of that necklace.
"I've actually been having the same dream now for several nights.” She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "It's always raining, but there's a man there holding an umbrella above the two of us so that we don't get soaked."
Her gaze finally met mine. And for a moment it was just us. It felt right. But also wrong.
"And he kisses me,” she said.
So fucking wrong. It was exactly what I wanted to hear. So why wasn’t I happy to hear it?
Someone in the room laughed and Penny quickly sat back down.
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room as I watched Tyler lean over and whisper something in her ear. I turned away. I had a class to teach. Not whatever the hell I was currently doing. But the way I felt when she turned to Tyler gave me a pretty clear picture of why I was bothered by her dream. It was because I could never have her. I’d never get to kiss her. Taste her. We’d only ever be in each other’s dreams.
I walked over to the board and picked up a piece of chalk, being careful not to snap it in my hand. Breathe. I wrote the word "emotion” on the board and turned back around, hoping that I looked composed. "The best advice I can give you is to make your speech personal. You want to draw emotion from your audience. You want to hook them." I made a fist to emphasize my point.
"That's why this first speech is easy. You're all speaking about someone you admire, someone who has helped shape who you've become. It's personal. Make your classmates aware of that. Don't ever be afraid to show emotion."
I looked out at all my students, making sure to not let my eyes focus on Penny, and tried to think of a way to make everything about today’s class make sense. I was all over the place. And if I didn’t get my shit together, one of these students might complain. I’d be fired for something other than sleeping with Penny. Which seemed like a waste. "Many psychologists will tell you that there are hidden meanings in your dreams, but I've never seen it that way. They're quite black and white. The first thing that comes to your mind when you think of your dream is what it truly means. And it's emotional.” I looked at a boy on the opposite side of the class as Penny, trying hard not to glance at her. “Fear." I looked at the girl who had snickered at Penny. "Anger." And finally my eyes landed briefly on Penny. "Desire.” I couldn’t help it. Breathe.
"So when you think of who you're going to talk about, figure out the emotion that they make you feel." I glanced at the clock. Thank God. "And I will see you all on Wednesday." I walked away from the board.
A girl in the front row quickly got up from her desk and walked up to me. She started asking questions about all the upcoming assignments. She went on and on even though all her answers were in the syllabus. I tried to stay focused on her questions instead of watching Penny slowly gathering her things. I could tell she wanted to talk to me. That she was delaying leaving.
But I couldn’t dismiss the student in front of me. It was better that I had a distraction. Better that I didn’t have time to flirt with a student.
Yet, I watched Penny as she got up and walked past my desk. Look at me. She’d flirted with me in class. Blatantly. Look at me.
I tilted my head so I could see her better over the student in front of me. We made eye contact for just a moment. I couldn’t tell her to wait. That I wanted to talk to her. Needed to talk to her. I raised my left eyebrow, silently willing her to come over to me.
Instead, she broke eye contact and walked out the door without a word.
And that was for the best. I knew it and yet…I didn’t want that to ever happen again.
“Professor Hunter?” the girl in front of me asked.
“Yes?” I should have known her name by now. I made a good habit of learning my student’s names, but I was drawing a blank.
“I asked when your office hours are.”
“I mention it in the syllabus. Look that over today and if you have any more questions you can ask them on Wednesday, okay? But I have a feeling it’ll cover everything you’ve been wondering.”
“Oh. Okay.” She looked dejected. I should have felt bad for shutting down an eager mind, but I knew she wasn’t talking to me for educational purposes. Or else she would have asked me a real question. Something at least a little insightful. And she wouldn’t be leaning forward so much, making her breasts practically spill out of her shirt. I’d dealt with this behavior before with my stalker.
“Anything else?” I asked, trying not to sound too rude.
“Um.” She twirled a loose strand of hair around her finger and leaned forward slightly. She was wearing a shirt that showed off her toned stomach. Tan skin, long dark hair. She was attractive. But I wasn’t attracted to her. I had my eyes set on someone else.
I glanced back at the door. “Well, then. Definitely check out that syllabus.” I grabbed my satchel. “It’ll have all the answers you’re looking for.” I started to walk out of the room.
“I hope you have a really great day, Professor Hunter,” she said to my back as I retreated out of the room. The way she said it sounded dirty. But not in a good way.
I took a deep breath as I made my way outside. There was a reason I kept my distance from students. I did not need awkward encounters like that. But being with Penny had been anything but awkward. And the way she said my name was dirty too…but in a really fucking great way. It was just further proof that I shouldn’t fraternize with students. It was a bad idea. But sometimes bad things felt really good.
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