"One is rather intimate. Is he someone I should be worried about?" Please don’t be Tyler. I was already being a shitty professor. And I had a feeling if it was Tyler I’d be giving out an underserved F.

  She laughed. "No."

  "So you no longer speak to him?"

  "No.”

  I breathed a little easier.

  “I doubt that I'll ever talk to him again,” she added. “He's an immature asshole."

  "And why is that?" I was relieved it wasn’t Tyler. But the thought of someone, anyone, treating her badly made my blood boil.

  "Why do you want to know?"

  "Because I don't want to make the same mistakes with you that he did."

  She sighed. "There isn't much to tell. We dated last semester. He didn't speak to me all summer. He made me feel worthless."

  "So you broke up with him?" I felt ridiculous asking so many questions about this one guy. She hadn’t made me give her details about all the women I’d slept with. But I needed to know everything. I was a hypocrite, and I knew it.

  "You can't really break up with someone who you never officially went out with."

  I took her hand in mine. Apparently she didn’t just date immature guys. She dated idiots. "Penny Taylor, I promise not to make you feel worthless. And I'll try not to act like an asshole." I smiled, intertwining our fingers. The promise of not making her feel worthless would be easy. Because I was the one that wasn’t worthy of her. The asshole promise was harder. Because I really was an asshole on most days.

  "I don't know, Professor Hunter. From what I've found out about you, it seems like I'm just going to end up as another notch on your bedpost."

  I laughed. "That's not who I am anymore." She’d never be a notch. She was quickly becoming everything. All that I thought about. All that I craved. It was such a thin line for me, and I had already crossed it. I wasn’t sure I could go back even if I wanted to.

  "I thought it was impossible for people to change?"

  "I came here for a change. And I think I'm better off because of it." I pulled her toward me so that her head was resting on my chest again. Her leg crossed over me.

  Having her in my arms felt so right. And there was something nice about knowing she felt it too. Because I wasn’t just fucking my student. I was in deep. I was pretty sure I was in love with her. I’m in love with my student. I breathed in her sweet scent. This moment could last forever and it wouldn't be long enough. Because it had been a really long time since I’d felt this whole. And this happy. Hell, that was a lie. I’d never been whole. And I barely even remembered what it felt like to be happy. The smell of cherries surrounded me. Until now. I was pretty sure this was what happiness felt like.

  ***

  I had never slept so well before. There was something about having Penny beside me that calmed me. She looked so peaceful when I woke up. I wanted to wake up to her beautiful face every morning. Just like this. For a few minutes I just stared at the way her red hair fell against the pillow and the shadows her eyelashes cast on the freckles under her eyes. She was good and perfect and pure. And mine. Somehow she was mine.

  I slowly climbed out of bed, making sure not to wake her. I was in a daze as I brushed my teeth and showered. Last night had been perfect. And there was probably just enough time for a repeat before classes started. I came out of the bathroom, but the bed was empty.

  “Penny?” I called as I made my way out into the kitchen. But she wasn’t there or in the living room. “Penny?” I turned around. She was gone. And for a moment it felt like my heart stopped beating. She’d left. She’d left and I didn’t even know the specific reason. Because there could have been a million reasons why. And all of them were my fault.

  PART 3

  Chapter 32

  Tuesday

  I grabbed my phone. Penny probably just left because she didn’t want to be late for class. That was it. I sent her a quick text: “I would have driven you home. Persuading you to miss two classes would have been way too irresponsible." I smiled. I loved being irresponsible with her.

  I stared at my phone for a minute, waiting for her to text me back. But…she didn’t. She was probably just getting ready for class.

  I put my phone down. She’d text back soon enough. I tried not to think about it as I finished getting ready. But the minutes ticked by and no response came. When I went to grab a pair of shoes, I found all her clothes still in my room. Even her flip flops. I pictured her walking home in my t-shirt and nothing else. Not even a pair of shoes. What the hell? Something was definitely wrong. I shot her another text: "Did you get back to your dorm okay? You left your clothes here..."

  Fuck. I ran my fingers through my hair. I had a class to get to. But all I could think about was why? Why had she left? The list was endless. And I’d expected it eventually. But not yet. It couldn’t be over yet.

  ***

  “Three pointer!” Ian pretended to make a basket with an invisible ball. “Called it!” He held up his hand for me to high-five.

  I lifted my hand and he slapped it. But I wasn’t paying attention to the game. My eyes kept gravitating back to my desk where I’d left my phone. We were watching the game in my office and I was hoping it would distract me or my work would distract me, but…nothing did. All day long all I could think about was Penny. She’d never texted me back. I wanted to drive over to her dorm, but I couldn’t just show up and try to walk in when someone walked out. Any student could recognize me. And she knew it. She knew there was no way for me to come see her.

  “You okay, man?” Ian asked.

  “Fine.” Ian had sent me the footage of Penny getting safely back to her dorm. But she’d been barefoot in nothing but my t-shirt. The image infuriated me. She’d run. She’d run and I didn’t even fucking know why. Was she seriously not going to text me back? She couldn’t avoid me forever. I was her fucking professor. I’d see her tomorrow in class. But waiting that long to figure out what was wrong felt like torture.

  “You don’t seem fine. Check your phone, maybe she’s texted back.”

  I stood up and grabbed my phone. But there were no missed calls or messages. I typed out another text. "Penny, I had a wonderful day with you. And a wonderful night. If there's something that I've done to upset you, I'll fix it. Just tell me what it is."

  “Please tell me you didn’t just text her again,” Ian said.

  “Maybe?”

  He laughed. “That’s an amateur move. You’ve got it bad.”

  I did. I had it so bad that I was finding it hard to breathe without her. It was a familiar feeling. This deep need. The kind of feeling I paid Dr. Clark good money to help me avoid. Fuck! I ran my hand down my face.

  “You really have no idea what you did to piss her off?” he asked. “Oh, nothing but net!”

  I let my eyes gravitate back to the screen. “Not a clue.” Our night really had been perfect. She was perfect. And I’d fucked it all up.

  “Do you want me to figure out where she is right now? I could just…”

  “No. Relationships are built on trust.”

  Ian raised his eyebrow. “Since when have you believed that?”

  I shrugged. I didn’t. But it was what Dr. Clark wanted me to believe. Besides, if Ian found Penny and she was with another guy? I didn’t want to go to jail for killing some limp dicked college student.

  Breathe. I stared at the game without really even seeing it. Really, why had she left without even a note? Was it the conversation about how many women I’d slept with? She seemed fine after that. It had to be something else. Breathe. But I couldn’t seem to focus on my breath no matter how many times I told myself I had to. I clenched my hand into a fist. If I’d still been wearing a rubber band around my wrist I would have snapped the damn thing in half. Breathe.

  “I have an idea,” Ian said.

  I looked up at him. God, at this moment I’d do anything if it meant talking to Penny.

  “You could text her again,” he said with a laugh.

  Asshole. “Ha. Ha.” Maybe Dr. Clark had a point about employees being different than friends. Because right now Ian was acting more like a friend, and it was driving me nuts.

  “Speaking of texts, have you heard from Jen recently?” Ian asked.

  “No. Why?”

  He shrugged. “No reason.”

  I stared at him watching the game. Seriously, why did all our conversations always revert back to Jen? Was something going on between Ian and my sister?

  “We could fix this situation though.”

  “I’m not in the mood to talk to Jen right now.”

  Ian laughed. “I was talking about Penny. I could put one of those cameras in her dorm room…”

  I sighed. As tempting as that was, I couldn’t take him up on the offer. Partly because I was worried about what I would see. Besides, how was he planning on breaking into her dorm room? I didn’t even want to know. “Let’s just focus on the game.”

  “That’s what I was trying to do. But your sulking is very distracting. Are you hungry?” He got up and stretched. “Maybe we should go out and watch the game somewhere on Main Street.”

  That sounded terrible. There were students at the restaurants on Main Street. Students that weren’t Penny that I didn’t want to talk to.

  “Or…I’ll go warm up something Ellen made for us?”

  I laughed. “You mean my dinner?”

  “Nah, Ellen knows I always steal food from your fridge. She’s been making me leftovers for years.”

  “She has?” I hadn’t known that. How had I not noticed food disappearing from my fridge for years?

  “Yeah.” He laughed. “I thought you knew.”

  I didn’t. But it was just like Ellen to want to take care of everyone.

  “I’ll go warm it up. Don’t text Penny while I’m gone. Another text would really be the wrong move.”

  I knew he was right. I glared at my phone, willing for Penny to respond to me. Each minute that ticked by without a response driving me slowly more insane.

  Chapter 33

  Wednesday

  "I'll talk to you after class.” That was the text I’d finally gotten from Penny this morning. Any text like that wasn’t good news. But at least she’d reached out. And whatever it was? I’d fix it. Because losing her was not an option. One night without her and I was back to not sleeping. I climbed into bed for a minute, but all I could smell was her on my sheets. I’d ended up sleeping a few hours on the couch in my office and my back was aching.

  I hated feeling this out of control. I hated feeling this desperate. This was what I’d been trying to avoid. But here I was. It was fucking pathetic. And I couldn’t stop.

  I walked out into the kitchen. Ellen paused when she saw me, a plate balancing precariously in her hand.

  “What?” I snapped, my voice hoarse.

  She didn’t even flinch. She was used to my moods. “Are you feeling alright?”

  No. “Mhm.”

  She looked so concerned. “Here. Eat something.” She put the plate down on the counter. “It’s your favorite.”

  I honestly didn’t care what she’d made. The only thing I was craving was Penny. And I couldn’t have her because she was hiding from me. “I’ll grab something on the way, I’m running late.”

  She lightly touched my arm. “Are you sure you’re okay, dear? Really?”

  I knew how I must look. Ellen had been working for me for years. She knew how low I could get. She’d seen me at my worst. I knew exactly what she was asking me. And I didn’t know how to answer her. Because I was just as worried as her.

  Ellen’s eyes dropped to the dark circle under my eyes.

  I pulled my arm away from her. “I’m fine, Ellen.”

  “You were so looking forward to your beach date. You ran out of here too quickly yesterday for me to see you…but I thought for sure I’d get a glimpse of one of your rare smiles today.” She smiled at me, almost like she was encouraging me to mimic the action.

  I didn’t return it.

  “Did something happen on your date?” she asked.

  “No. The whole day was perfect.” It wasn’t a lie. It had been a great night too. But between Penny falling asleep in my arms and me taking a shower in the morning…something had broken. I was used to breaking things. But this one really fucking hurt. I’d told Ellen I was going on a date on Monday. That’s all she knew. And I wasn’t going to sit here and make her play therapist when I had one of those. A shitty one that didn’t prevent me from giving in to temptation. “I gotta go, Ellen.”

  She didn’t say anything else. But I felt her gaze on me as I left. Her very worried gaze. I wanted to be able to tell her that I wasn’t slipping again. That I had everything under control. But I didn’t. I could barely breathe.

  The elevator doors closing made me feel even more claustrophobic. Penny had definitely uncovered something about my past. I just didn’t know what it was. My figurative closet was so full of skeletons that I couldn’t even close the door. I had no idea if she was angry or terrified of me or both. I practically ran out of the elevator when the doors finally dinged open.

  The air was chillier today as I walked to my Comm class. It was like autumn had appeared overnight. Penny had left and taken all the warmth with her. A few leaves were even turning yellow and red. It felt like an ending. But I wasn’t going to accept that. This couldn’t be the end of us. Not yet. I hadn’t had enough.

  I took a deep breath when I reached my classroom. I just had to get through one class and then I’d sort this mess out. I adjusted my glasses and walked in. If she didn’t realize how much I needed her, she would after today. I looked a mess.

  For just a second, we made eye contact. I could feel the pain in her stare. It was the same pain I was feeling. But she immediately dropped my gaze and looked down at her desk. She can’t even look at me? This was bad.

  I cleared my throat. I realized I had been awkwardly standing at the front of the class. "Passion," I said. Screw the lesson plan. "Passion is what drives a good speech. Passion drives everything. And it's probably one of the reasons why you chose your majors." The only passion I currently had was sitting in the back row ignoring me.

  I picked up a piece of chalk and started writing on the board. "Without passion, there really is no meaning in life." I turned around and locked eyes with Penny again. There’s no meaning without you. I’d thought teaching was a perfect fit for me. But I didn’t even know what living was until I met Penny. I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was choking. Look at me, Penny. Fucking look at me! "Today I'd like us all to talk about something that we're passionate about. Ray, kick us off."

  Ray stood up. "I'm passionate about any good booty." The class laughed and he began to sit down.

  "Ray, don't you dare sit down." I was seconds away from snapping.

  Ray laughed awkwardly and continued to stand there.

  "Passion is not humorous. Unless your passion is humor. Don't make a joke of my assignments, Raymond."

  "I'm not, man."

  "That's Professor Hunter to you. Get the hell out of my class.” God, I was taking it out on my students. I was losing it.

  Ray grabbed his backpack and left the room without turning around. The whole class was silent. I thought I might get fired for dating a student. Now I had to worry about yelling in class? It felt like I was sinking.

  I cleared my throat. "I am passionate about teaching. That would be an acceptable answer." And you, Penny. I’m passionate about you. You’re fucking everything. I called the next name and the girl rose to her feet. It looked like she was shaking. Jesus, I was scaring them. I tuned out her answer. Had I completely lost my mind? The last time I’d lost my temper like this was when I punched the dean of the last college I worked at. Again. And again. I raked my fingers through my hair. Breathe.

  "Penny Taylor," I said.

  She rose to her feet and stared directly into my eyes. "I'm passionate about honesty." She quickly sat back down.

  I raised my left eyebrow. Honesty? Yeah, I had a few secrets. But this wasn’t a one-sided thing. I wanted her to be honest with me too. We could start with what she was so upset about. I wasn’t great at relationships, but even I knew that communication was a big part of them. I was willing to have this conversation. I needed her to meet me halfway here.

  After the last student shared what they were passionate about, I dismissed the class and waited for her to come up to me.

  When the class had finally emptied, she got to her feet and walked toward my desk.

  "Penny." I put my hand on her arm. I felt that familiar warmth that I’d been craving. And for just a second I was able to breathe a little deeper.

  "I'm sorry, Professor Hunter. We need to end this before we make it any worse." She took a step back from me, removing my hand from her.

  "End this? Have your feelings for me changed?"

  "Professor Hunter, everything's changed."

  "You're right, I like you more than ever." I forced a smile on my face, when all I really wanted to do was get down on my knees and beg her to stay.

  She shook her head. "I know."

  "Then what's the problem?"

  "Professor Hunter, I know." She took a slow breath. "I know your secret."

  My secret? Which fucking one? I couldn’t come clean unless I knew what specifically she was talking about. Because if one thing was making her run? Imagine if she knew them all. It was my worst nightmare.

  "The fact that you don't even know what I'm referring to is disgusting," she said.

  I felt gutted. So it was one of the bad ones. I was going to eventually tell her everything. Of course I was. But not yet. Not when we were still so new. Not when I could so easily lose her.

  I stepped toward her and put my hand on her arm again. "Penny, let's go to my office to talk about this." Please.

  "I'm not going anywhere with you." She took another step away from me, like being that close to me repulsed her.

  "Whatever you think you know, you couldn't possibly understand. Just give me a chance to explain."

 

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