Project Lightning, page 7
“Okay.” I say breaking the moment. “I really liked the technology evaluations. They were fun and all that equipment.” Bouncing on my feet as I think about all the possibilities. Looking up, I stop as I see his intense eyes boring into me.
“You like technology.” He states before turning back to continue ironing.
I smile as I think about how I just geeked out with him. Not many people know about how much I like technology. “Yeah.” I say shyly. “I mean. I am good at it and well it makes sense to me. I guess.”
His eyes are back on me and I fidget with my pants. “It is good to have something you like to do.” I nod and he turns back to his uniform. We are both silent as I hear the rasping of the iron across the shirt.
“How about you?” I ask trying to dispel the awkward silence that envelops the room.
He smiles and says, “My week was good except trying to avoid a certain initiate.” He smiles and I feel the blush creep up my face. He snickers and picks up his freshly ironed shirt. He puts the top back on and I stand to help him button it. His gasps slightly as I push each button through. It feels fairly domestic like we have been together for years. When I get to the bottom, he takes over. I smile as I smooth it down his chest with a sigh.
“I was hoping we could spend some time together this weekend.” I say as he turns to tuck his shirt into his pants. I get a peek of white beneath his dark gray pants and turn my head away.
He turns back to me buckling his belt. “I don't know,” he frowns. “I have graduation for the training class. Plus my mom is coming for a visit.”
I frown slightly. That was not what I was hoping to hear. I should be grateful he has things to do but I am disappointed. I turn away from him and counsel my features. I don’t want him to know I am disappointed. I remind myself that we aren't allowed to be together yet. “Okay,” I shrug nonchalantly.
“Hey,” he tilts my head up to meet his eyes. I avoid his gaze, angry with myself because of the tears pricking my eyes. “Soon. You are going to make it.” He reassures. I was hoping it would make me feel better but it didn’t.
I shrug, not trusting my voice. I turn away and make my way to the door. “Brinna?” I feel his hand grip my arm. Our eyes meet and his gaze is tinged with worry. “Are we okay?”
“Yeah,” I respond with a sigh. It's not his fault we can't be known as a couple. I turn and meet his cloudy eyes. I lightly stroke his cheek. “We're okay.”
“Good,” he says, giving me a sweet kiss before turning to grab his wallet from the dresser.
“I have to go workout with Sozanski.” I announce as I move to open the door.
“Sozanski? Why?” I turn back to face him. His eyes flare with anger and his fists clench at his sides.
“He asked me and I agreed,” I state.
“Are you doing this because I can't spend time with you?” His jaw clenched tightly.
“What are you talking about?” My mind is scrambled. A few moments ago we were fine. But judging from his stiff posture, I can tell he is angry. But why?
His jaw ticks and he clenches his fists at his sides. My palms get sweaty and I feel my chest ache. “I don't like it when my girlfriend goes and hangs out with other men,” he growls and I cringe at his tone.
I take a step forward and get into his face. “Excuse me,” I snap back. I’m feeling kind of fluttery because he called me his girlfriend, but I am angrier he would try to control me. I poke my finger into his chest. “Let's get one thing straight. I can hang out with anyone I want to. I won’t be controlled by anyone. Especially not my “boyfriend”. Got it?”
His posture stiffens for a moment but deflates quickly and he collapses onto the bed. His eyes fall down to his hands. My anger flies out of me and I sigh. I walk over, crouching in front of him. His hands are tearing through his hair. Stilling his hands with mine, he looks up at me. His eyes are glazed and hurt is projecting through them. “Caleb. You can't expect me to never talk or spend time with other guys. That is an unreasonable expectation,” I say softly.
He nods. He fidgets slightly with the blanket. “I know. I don't know where that came from.”
“You were jealous,” I state. I figure there is no reason to dance around the truth.
His head snaps up to mine and I shiver with the intensity revealed by his eyes. “Hell yeah I was.”
I chuckle lightly. “I like you, Caleb,” I place my hand on his cheek. “You.” He sighs and smiles. “Trust me, okay?”
He nods and grasps my hand tighter. His throat bobs slightly as he swallows hard.“Okay.” He looks up at me and smirks a little. “I trust you.”
“Don’t ever do that again,” I warn. As much as I like him, I would have to let him go if he thinks he can control me.
“I won't,” he assures me. I can tell that he is serious by the way he is emphatically nodding. “I may be just a stupid man, but I can learn.”
I chuckle softly and give him a brief kiss. He moves to deepen it slightly but I pull away. We both have places we need to be. I lightly trace the hollow in his cheek and swallow hard. “I have to go.” I don’t want to. But I don’t want this going too far right now.
“Okay. Let me check that the hallway is clear.” He gets up and moves past me to the door. It reminds me that we can’t get caught. My anxiety spikes as he peeks out of the door.
“Okay.” I whisper as I wait for him to check and walk out in the hall when he gives the all clear. Sweeping my hair into a ponytail, I make my way to the gym.
Chapter 11
Sozanski is executing pull-ups when I enter the back door. He glances over and sees me walking toward him. Dropping down from the bar, he yells, “Hey, St. Pope.”
“Hey,” I return the greeting and he motions me over.
“You ready?” he asks, sidling a little closer to me.
I nod. “Sure. What are we doing first?” I want to get moving. After the arguments with Caleb and his kiss, I need to make sure I keep this in check. It is flattering to be liked by more than one person but I am not that type of person. I am still not even sure I should be with Caleb.
“I was thinking we could start by running and figure it out from there.”
“Okay,” I say. We walk to the track and take up a solid pace. I've noticed over the last week I’m less winded after running then I used to be. We run in companionable silence. The only sound is our feet hitting the track in a syncopated rhythm. Sozanski's watch beeps when we have hit the five-mile mark. We start slowing down and begin to walk. As we catch our breath, we stand there looking everywhere else but each other. I know he likes me but I have to let him know we’re just friends.
He reaches down slowly and tries to grab my hand. I pull my hand away and look at him. His brows furrow slightly but I just stare. He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Sorry,” he mumbles as he moves off the track.
I jog to catch up with him and he is wrapping his hands for the punching bag. I touch his shoulder lightly and he whips around. “What was that?” I ask.
His shoulders slump forward again. He returns his focus to his hands. “Well...” his body awkwardly shifts back and forth. His eyes are downcast. “I...well...I...” he stutters. His chest rises and falls fiercely before he meets my eyes. A determined look appears in his depths and he says. “I like you and I thought maybe you might like me too. I can see I was wrong. I’ll leave you alone now.”
He starts to walk away toward the punching bag. His shoulders slumped forward. “Sozanski!” He stops and turns with a look of hurt and rejection. I run to catch up to him. “I do like you.” Hope blooms in his eyes for a moment. “But only as a friend. I don't want to lose a friendship over this.”
He looks thoughtful for a moment. I can imagine it still hurts. His eyes apprise me for a moment. “Yeah.” he sighs before returning his eyes to the punching bags beside him. “I guess friends it is.” His words are full of regret and I feel guilty for rejecting him. I nod thoughtfully and he turns to head for the punching bag. His arms press heartily into it and I look at him one last time before leaving the gym. My feet drag slightly but I feel like I might have lost a friend.
After eating, I return to my room to find Juliet waiting for me. She plops down on my bed and looks up at me expectantly. I chuckle and keep organizing my things.
“So?” she asks expectantly. Like I have dirt to dish.
“So, what?” I say with a flippant attitude. I know what she wants.
“So, how was your workout date?”
I move around my room trying to find something to do. I notice my laundry basket and decide I should probably do laundry.“It wasn't a date,” I insist. But she doesn’t look like she believes me.
She grabs a picture I have of Maddy and I off my dresser. Placing it back down, she moves back to my bed.“Okay. If you say so.” She looks down at her chewed nails.
“It wasn't,” I protest as I turn from my laundry in the basket and face her. My hands go to my hips and I feel the flush of irritation settle on my face.
She shrugs as she continues looking at her nails. Just when I think she is going to finish her interrogation, she asks. “So how was it?”
My lip pulls in between my teeth as I think about Caleb. My face flushes and I turn away before it is apparent. We aren’t talking about Caleb and I. She is asking about my workout with Sozanski. “It was okay. We are just friends and I made that clear today.” I tell her.
“How did he take it?” She leans forward as if she is enthralled by this conversation. I shake my head and abandon my basket in the middle of the room.
Making my way to the bed, I sit softly next to her. “As well as could be expected.” She nods thoughtfully. We are silent for a moment.
She looks down at her lap and mumbles. “Rejection sucks,”
I get up and continue sorting my laundry. Checking the tag on one of my uniforms, I place it in the appropriate pile. “I wouldn't know,” I reply without thinking.
Her eyes pop up and I close my eyes as I realize what I just said. “What do you mean?” she asks, sitting straight up on the bed.
She motions for me to sit with her and I drop the pants in my hand. I shuffle over to her and sit tentatively on the edge. She tries to get my face but I keep avoiding her. “I've never...” I whisper.
“You've never had a boyfriend?” Her use of the word boyfriend brings me back to the argument Caleb and I had earlier. He had called me his girlfriend. Did that make him my boyfriend? I shake my head and she gasps.
“I just...well I....,” I stutter. I need to come up with something convincing. There is no way I am talking to her about my memories. She wouldn’t understand and I don’t need her pity.
She tilts her head to the side. “Do you not like boys?” she asks with as much tact as she could muster.
“I like boys!” I protest. My face flushes with shock as I meet her eyes.
“Then what is it?” Concern laces her words. I sigh and figure now is as good a time as any to let her in on my past.
“What I’m about to tell you can't leave this room.” I can’t tell her everything but maybe a little will keep her out of my business for a little while.
“I'm not going to tell anyone. I promise.” She crosses her fingers over her heart.
“Fine. You know my parents?” I know she knows them. She has been to my house multiple times over the years.
“Well yeah. Greg and Myrna. Greg operated on my mom last year. He saved her life.” Her admiration, for my uncle, shines through her eyes.
I hate to burst her bubble.“Yeah, well. They aren't my real parents.” I fidget slightly with the admission. I had never wanted to feel different from other people. Everyone around me was raised in two parent homes. The happy couple and a baby. My life, while good, was different.
“What?” She shrieks. I motion for her to be quiet and she shuts her mouth sharply. I hear her teeth click together with force and I wince. That must have hurt.
I look at the door and see it wide open. I get up and shut it softly. Turning to face her, I see her waiting expectantly for the rest of the story. “They are my paternal aunt and uncle. Apparently, I was brought to them as a baby and they raised me as their own.”
“So, you were adopted. No big deal. I mean lots of kids are adopted.” Her nonchalance is disconcerting. It is a big deal. But I can’t let her know how much it bothers me. I sit back down and pick at the fuzz on my blanket. She places a hand over mine and I snap my head up. “Are you okay?” I nod not trusting my voice at the moment. She sits processing this for a moment before she asks the one question I didn’t want to talk about. “Do you know what happened to your parents?” she asks gently.
I shake my head softly and she puts her hand around my shoulders. Tears prick at the corner of my eyes and I blink to dispel them. “I want to.” I whisper lightly. “But every time I tried to talk to Uncle Greg and Aunt Myrna, they would change the subject or tell me it was too hard to talk about them.” I shrug again and fiddle with a button on my fatigue pants.
Juliet sits there silent. I can tell she is trying to process everything I’ve told her. Tears spring to her eyes as she looks at me. She grabs my hand and I lay my head on her shoulder. I feel the tears again and this time I am unable to stop them. My heart breaks for my parents. They never got to see how I grew up. Never got to hold me for very long. Tears stream down my face as I think about them. We sit there holding each other for a long time until the warning bell rings for chow. I look at her and see her eyes are rimmed in red while tear streaks stretch down her cheeks. She laughs as she looks at me. I can imagine I look similar, if not worse. Nothing can erase the haunted look that is always present, no matter how much I want it gone.
Chapter 12
Monday rolls around too quickly. Juliet and I spend a lot of time together. We watch movies in the common room, and workout in the gym. I can tell she doesn’t want to leave me alone. It is almost like she is trying to keep me sane. We do everything together and by the end I am glad the weekend is over. It is difficult to keep everything else a secret.
I want to tell her about Caleb and me. I could’ve told her and she would probably keep it a secret. But I didn't want to risk her jealous side. She would think I’m passing because of him and I didn't want that.
At morning PT, I finally notice there are only eight of us and wonder who’s missing? Looking around as everyone is stretching, I notice Lancer is gone. How long has he been gone? When did that happen? Confused as to why no one said anything. I try to focus on the PT. Friday is our big physical test, so we are all getting prepared. After two hours of grueling work, we retreat to our rooms. I get dressed quickly and find Juliet.
“Hey Juliet,” I whisper. “Come in here.” She walks in my room and I shut the door. “Did you know Lancer was gone?”
“Yeah,” she replies and looks at me like I have two heads.
My mouth drops and I realize how inside my head I have been. I went the entire week and weekend without noticing someone was missing. “When?” I stutter. “Why?
She nods affirmatively and my eyes widen in shock. “After that first day. As to the why. Well you know how Warner gave us that big spiel the first day about not bringing contraband?” I nod absently still trying to process how I could have missed this much. “Well apparently during inspection, Lancer’s phone started going off.”
“No,” I say lowly and shake my head slightly as I can’t imagine someone would be that stupid.
“Oh, yes,” she nods with a grimace on her face. “Apparently, Colonel Barnum reamed him a new asshole and sent him packing.”
“Wow,” I whisper. Still in shock from how much I have missed. I grab my uniform and slip into the bathroom.
Juliet is back in my room with a fresh uniform. She is braiding her wet hair when she hears me return. “Did you just notice he was gone?”
I nod as I place my towel in my hamper in the closet. “Yeah. I thought it was strange only eight people were listed on Friday. But I didn't think anything of it until this morning.”
She nods thoughtfully and gets up. “You ready?”
I nod and we make our way out of the dorms. I look over at Storrey's room and notice only one bunk occupied. I gulp as I make my way out and take a right. This morning is the day I’ve been dreading; my psychological evaluation.
I sit in the hallway in a cold folding metal chair, my bottom chilling beneath my uniform. Several people travel by as I sit and wait. Caleb went by about an hour ago into security. His subtle thumbs up as he went by gave me a little courage and dispelled some of the dread in the pit of my stomach. I haven't seen him come out again.
My fingers silently drum against my leg as I wait to see what this is all about. Juliet told me it wasn't anything big. But she doesn't have the secrets that I have. The little door opens on my right and a slight woman steps out.
“Cadet St. Pope.” I stand and she motions for me to come in. The office is fairly typical. A desk with a chair and two chairs in front. “Please have a seat.”
I sit down and she takes her seat behind a desk. Dr. Murphy has gray streaked auburn hair pulled tightly in a bun at the nape of her neck. She looks up briefly and I see her gray eyes assess me for a moment. She grabs a pair of glasses and places them gently on her long thin nose. She has high cheekbones and a narrow jaw. Wrinkles have gathered in the corners of her mouth and beside her eyes with age.
She opens my file in front of her and begins reading. Her eyes widen and she looks up at me over her spectacles. Her eyes return to the file as she skims through several pages then closes the file and looks up at me.
“My name is Dr. Madeline Murphy. The purpose of this evaluation is to decide whether you have the mental capability to endure the four years of training and the following duty assignments. After looking at your file, I am confident you will do fine.”
“Why?” I ask sharply. All this anxiety and she has already decided that I will be fine. I should just leave it alone but I can’t. I am not sure that I do have the mental capability to do this anymore.
