Freed, page 9
“Do you?”
“Of course I do. I’m a human being, just as you are. The only difference is I’ve made an effort—and it’s a big effort sometimes, trust me—not to let the past rule my life.”
My brother is strong, no doubt. But he’s also a different personality than I am. He’s an extrovert to my introvert. He needs to be around others. Others give him energy, and with that energy, he’s able to fight the demons harder.
And of course, his demons are different. He doesn’t have the darkest demon that haunts my soul. He’ll never have it, and I’m glad of it. I don’t wish it on anyone, especially not my own brother.
“You’re a good man, Dale,” he says. “She’s lucky to have you.”
“Is she?”
He grips my shoulder. “She is. She knows it. The rest of us know it. You just have to believe it yourself.”
I scoff softly.
“I’m serious, man. The only thing holding you back is you.” Donny releases my shoulder. “You want to go into town and have a drink?”
“At Murphy’s?”
“You know another bar in town?” He laughs.
“I’ll pass.”
“Suit yourself. I want to talk to some of the locals. Haven’t seen them in a while.”
“I’m sure Brock and Henry can accommodate you.”
“I’m sure they can, but I’d rather have a drink with my big brother.”
I sigh. “Fine. Let’s go.”
“Tell Ashley,” he says. “Bring her along.”
I spy Ashley talking with Dee and Bree. “All right. Be right back.”
Chapter Twenty
Ashley
I’m determined not to play pool at Murphy’s. Brendan, who apparently isn’t working tonight, joins Brock and Henry at a table. I sit at the bar with Dale, sipping a glass of Ruby. None of the older Steels joined us, but nearly all the younger ones did. Only Angie and Sage are missing, as they had plans to get together with some girlfriends from their high school class.
Ava joins the others at the pool table. Does she know Brendan has a super crush on her? He’s eleven years her senior, but Dale and I are ten years apart. Being with him feels as natural as air to me.
“Hey, Dale!” Brock calls out. “You’re the one to beat. Come play.”
Dale looks over his shoulder. “No thanks. Not tonight.”
“If you want to play, go ahead,” I tell him. “I promise I won’t play.”
“Not in the mood.” He takes a sip of wine.
He’s still hurting. How I wish I could ease his pain. Then he turns to me. “Ash?”
“Yeah?”
“I need your help with something.”
“Sure. Of course. Anything.”
“Tell me about your mom.”
I widen my eyes. “What about her?”
“You’re close to her, right?”
“Yeah. Definitely. I mean, she has issues with my whole oenology interest. She thinks I should have gone into something a little more stable.”
He nods. “But other than that?”
“Yeah, we’re close. Why?”
“And the fact that…” he hedges.
I swallow and then bite my lips slightly. “The fact that my father raped her? Is that what you’re getting at?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry to bring it up.”
“It’s okay. I only found out about that recently, as you know, and I’ve always felt, from the very beginning, how much my mother loves me and what I mean to her. She never let it make a difference.”
“Good. That’s good. She must be a strong woman.”
“Absolutely. She’s been through hell. She got us off the streets by herself.”
He nods again. “Tell me, then. How do you show her that you love her?”
I open my mouth and then close it. How do I answer that question? “I’m not sure,” I finally say. “She just knows.”
“Do you tell her?”
“Sometimes, but it’s not like we fawn all over each other and say it every day.”
“Then how does she know?”
I swallow a sip of wine. “She just does. What’s this about, Dale?”
He sighs. “I haven’t been fair to my mother.”
“How so?”
“I never let her get close to me.”
“She understands. It’s hard for you.”
“It is, but I had kind of an epiphany tonight about why that is.”
“Why, then?”
“Crap,” he says.
“Not following…”
“I didn’t mean to say that. My emotions… I keep them…”
I can’t help a soft chuckle. “You keep your emotions at bay. That’s not really a surprise to anyone, Dale.”
He smiles slightly. “You’ve made a difference there.”
“I’m glad.”
“I’m letting myself feel something fully for the first time. It scares me.”
“Why would that scare you?”
He clams up then. Takes several sips of his wine. Finally, “I didn’t mean to say all of that.”
“That you’re feeling something fully? That’s a good thing.”
“Something about you…” He sets his empty wineglass on the wooden bar.
“What about me?”
“You make me want to spill my guts, and trust me, Ashley. No one wants that.”
I touch his forearm. “What if I want that?”
He sighs heavily. “You don’t.”
“Who are you to say what I want?”
“Ashley”—he whisks away from my touch—“if I let everything out, we all lose.”
Chills skitter over my flesh.
I’ve always known Dale is hiding something, but for the first time, I realize the magnitude of it.
What he’s hiding isn’t just some run-of-the-mill secret.
It’s huge. It’s why the wall he’s built around himself is nearly impossible to penetrate.
But I…
I penetrated it.
He let me in.
And whatever is in there?
It’s downright frightening.
I’m scared.
Not so much of Dale, but of what’s buried inside him.
Trust me, Ashley. No one wants that.
I’m all in now.
I love this man, no matter what he’s hiding. He needs to know that. I reach forward and cup his cheek, scraping my fingertips over his blond stubble. “It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay.”
He brushes my hand away.
“If we love each other,” I say, “it will always be okay. I love you.”
Silence.
“And…” I prod.
“It goes without saying, Ashley. I love you. I will always love you. That’s no longer an option.”
I swallow my heart. “Do you want it to be an option?”
He scoffs softly. “For your sake, yes, I wish it were.”
“For my sake?”
“My sweet, beautiful love”—he cups my cheek this time—“if you could see what’s inside me, you’d go running as far away as you could.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Dale
Ashley covers my hand with her own, so we’re both holding on to her warm cheek.
“Try me,” she says indignantly.
God, if she only knew what she was asking.
I shake my head slowly. “I’ll never put you through that.”
“I love you,” she says.
“I know. I love you too.”
“Then there’s nothing we can’t get through, Dale.”
I shake my head again. “I know you believe that, sweetheart.”
Her cheeks pink at my use of the endearment. I’ve never called her sweetheart before. I’ve never called anyone sweetheart before.
“Of course I believe that. It’s true, Dale. Our love will get us through anything.”
“You’re so innocent,” I say.
She scoffs then. A big and sarcastic scoff. “Innocent? Hardly. You know my background. And if you want to know how innocent I am sexually? The answer is that I’m not. I’ve done it all, Dale. Every last thing.”
A spear of jealousy anchors itself in my heart.
I don’t want to know about her sexual past, but she opened the door.
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Ask Brock. He knows.”
The spear of jealousy embeds itself deeper. “What?” I say through clenched teeth.
“I told him earlier tonight.” She draws in a breath, as if considering what she’s about to say. Then, “I once took part in an orgy.”
That spear of jealousy? It’s now a blade of fire burning through my entrails.
“You what?” Again through clenched teeth.
“I did. And that’s not all. I’ve been with more than one man at a time. I’ve been with a woman. I’ve been—”
I shut her up the only way I know how—by crushing my mouth onto hers.
Fuck it all.
I still want her. Still love her. I don’t care how much sex she’s had. From now on, though, her only sex will be with me.
Except that…
Except that…
She deserves so much better than to be drawn into my chaos.
“Why don’t you two get a room?”
I break the kiss with a loud smack. Brock is laughing jovially, Henry, Donny, and the others egging him on.
I glare at them.
“Ease up,” Donny says, smiling. “You know my big brother can’t take a joke.”
Then they laugh again.
All of them.
Even Ashley joins in.
It’s all in fun. I know this.
But underneath I hear a mocking jeer. A laugh once so frequent that I got used to it.
They’re laughing again.
Laughing as they drag me out of the room.
Laughing and jeering as they take me away from my little brother.
I kick. I paw. I bite.
I’m rewarded with a punch to the nose. The pain splinters through me as blood gushes. Everything they do to me is painful, but no matter how often they punch my nose, I never get used to the sharp jab and spurting blood.
Scary, how I can get used to the other things.
The unspeakable things.
I learned when and when not to fight it.
I fight the most when I’m protecting Donny.
When they use me, I try to escape somewhere else in my mind. To a place that makes me happy.
I never find such a place, but still I try.
At least I can lie there until it’s over. Yeah, it hurts each time. Yeah, sometimes there’s blood. Going to the bathroom afterward is murder.
Until it all became part of the daily routine.
The daily routine…
Until this day.
They take me.
Take me away from my brother, which they almost never do. Usually, we’re forced to watch as the other gets violated, and it’s usually me.
This time.
I should have known.
This time, they’re going to do something so horrible they don’t want my brother to see it.
And they laugh.
They laugh like the maniacs they are.
And I brace myself.
But even I, after all I’ve been through, can’t imagine the horrors that await.
“Dale!” Ashley shakes my shoulder. “Dale!”
I return to reality with a jolt. “What?”
“You were a million miles away for a minute. Brock was just teasing.”
I look over at Brock and the others. They’re involved in their pool game once again. Ashley and I are nothing more than a couple flies on the wall that merited their attention infrequently.
“I wish you hadn’t told me,” I say.
“Told you what?”
“About…everything. The orgy. All the sex.”
“It was impulsive,” she admits. “I shouldn’t have, at least not here, but do you love me any less?”
“Of course not. I just… I don’t like to think of you with anyone else.”
“You’ve been with others.”
“Not nearly as many as you.” No truer words.
She twists her lips. “I’m not going to apologize to you for my past.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“Aren’t you?”
“No. Not really. I’m just wondering…why.”
She smiles. “I like sex. It’s a huge sensory experience for me because of my synesthesia.”
“So if not for the synesthesia, you wouldn’t be so experienced?”
“What kind of question is that?” she demands. “I’m me. Ashley. And Ashley has synesthesia. Ashley likes sex. Ashley is in love with you.”
“What if we’d met before now?”
She crosses her arms. “Dale, what is this about? Are you doubting my love for you?”
Yeah. Yeah, I am, though I don’t say it aloud. Of course I doubt her love for me. I’m a fucked-up mess. One day, when she realizes she can’t live with the chaos, she’ll leave.
Which is why I won’t commit to more than two months. That way, I’ll be the one to end it. If she ended it, I’d die.
Her phone buzzes on the bar. “Just a sec.” She picks it up. “It’s my mom. Do you mind?”
I shake my head. “Of course not. Go ahead.”
Her mom. Who loves her and whom she loves. This conversation started about our mothers. I wanted to understand how to be a better son to my own mother. Boy, have we gone on a detour.
“Hey, Mom,” she says.
I signal the barkeep for a refill on my wine.
Why don’t you two get a room?
Not a bad idea at all. I pull my phone out of my pocket and speed dial the hotel down the street.
Get a room.
Damned good idea.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Ashley
“Hold on,” I say to my mom. “I’m at a bar, and it’s kind of loud in here. I’m going to step outside.” I gesture to Dale where I’m going and then head outside onto the sidewalk. “Sorry about that.”
“No problem,” Mom says. “I have some exciting news!”
“Oh? What’s going on?”
“We’re coming to visit you!”
I jerk in surprise. “You are?”
“Yes! I got some time off work, and we’re coming to Colorado.”
This is weird. Mom never takes time off work. She says her clients need her to be beautiful.
“Wait a minute. What do you mean we?”
“That’s the other part of the news, Ashley. I’m getting married!”
My stomach drops. Married? She wasn’t dating anyone when I left. Was she?
I’m not sure how much time passes before Mom says, “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“Uh…who exactly are you marrying?”
“His name is Dennis. I know you’re going to love him.”
“And you’ve known him how long?”
“A couple months.”
“You were dating him before I left?”
“I was.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“There was no reason to at the time. We were just starting to see each other.”
Okay, makes sense. I guess. “Are you sure, Mom? You’ve never…”
“Never what?”
“You never seemed to have any interest in marriage before now.”
“I wasn’t interested before now. I had you. You were my priority, but now you’re almost done with your doctorate. You’ll be working, taking care of yourself, so I can think about myself and what makes me happy.”
“Mom, I never meant for you—”
“This isn’t a guilt trip, Ash. I wanted to make you a priority. If you’d gone into a trade, like I suggested, I could have…”
I could have done something for myself before now.
Those are the words she isn’t saying.
“Mom…”
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.” Her tone is sincere. “I’m thrilled you’re doing something you love. Something you have passion for. That means more than going into some trade just for money and security.”
“Are you saying you were wrong to push me in that direction?” I can’t help asking.
She laughs softly. “I don’t think I was wrong. I was being sensible. But I don’t think you were wrong for following your heart, either. It’s really all just opinion. Your happiness has always been the most important thing to me, and if this wine stuff—”
“Oenology, Mom.”
“Ee-nology…makes you happy, then it makes me happy too. Besides, if I’d started dating before now, I never would have met Dennis.”
“He must be something special,” I say.
“He is. I’m super excited for you to meet him.”
Super excited. My mom sounds like a schoolgirl with a crush. Her voice is bright pink with energy and puppy love. So unlike her. She’s always been so mature. So responsible. So determined to give me the life she thought I deserved. Living on the street was hell for her. Far worse than it was for me. I didn’t know any better, but she… She thought it was her fault.
I never did.
She was just Mom. My constant, whom I loved and I knew loved me.
Funny. Dale was asking me about my mom—about my love for her, how I showed it. This will be a good thing, Mom coming to Colorado. Dale can see our relationship firsthand. Maybe it will help him heal his relationship with Jade the way he wants to.
“When are you coming?” I ask.
“We’re driving Dennis’s RV,” she says, “and we’re leaving tomorrow.”
“RV?”
“Yes, isn’t that perfect? We have our hotel with us, so we don’t have to bother you for lodging.”
Nice gesture. The Steels have plenty of room, but it’s certainly not my place to ask them to house my mother and her new boyfriend. Er…fiancé.
“When’s the big day?” I ask.
“We’re stopping in Las Vegas on the way to Colorado,” she says, “and we’d both love it if you could be there.”
Shoot. I’d hate to miss my mother’s wedding, but, “I’m in the middle of an internship, Mom. Part of the vineyards were just destroyed in a fire. I can’t ask to leave right now.”
