Jordyn's Army, page 29
Panic attacks are still part of my daily life, even though it’s been years since I watched my best friend kill my ex-fiancé. I wish he hadn’t had to do it. I wish Brant had died at the hands of someone else. But Parker was the one to deliver the final blow. He did it so Brant couldn’t hurt anyone again. Parker will always carry that day with him—the one where he killed his own stepbrother.
“I’m getting tired of waiting, B,” Parker whines as he flops down on the plush, lilac chair I have by the window in my home office.
“You can’t rush me. You know this. I can’t force the characters to talk to me. And you being here, giving me shit about it, isn’t helping.”
Parker is a man who will shout to the world how fabulous my romance novels are. He’s one of my biggest supporters and reads every single book I write. Then again, so does his wife, Astoria, and my assistant, Eve. They are all more than that, though. They’re my best friends—my family.
I don’t just have regular friends. You know, the ones you see on occasion. The ones you text every now and then. No, these are my best friends. Five of them, to be exact.
Cy and Eve are married. Parker and Astoria are married as well. And then there’s Finn. Just thinking of him sends a shiver up my spine in the best way, which I try to hide in Parker’s presence.
Parker, Cy, and Finn were friends in high school and stayed friends as they grew up. Eve also went to school with them but wasn’t part of their clique. This is where it gets interesting and very soap opera-esque.
When Cy was trying to figure out his emotions for Eve, Finn asked her out. That didn’t go over well with Cy. He’s about as alpha as they come. Obviously, nothing much happened between Eve and Finn. Anyone who looks at Cy and Eve knows they belong together. They’re as much in love now as they were when they first started dating.
Then there’s Parker and Astoria. Again, when Parker and Tori weren’t getting along so well, Finn met her and asked her on a date, not knowing of the past she had with Parker. Parker is almost as alpha as Cy and wasn’t happy at all. That left Finn with two failed dates and two very pissed off men who were once his friends.
I went to the same high school as them but graduated eight years prior. Parker and I were close when I was dating his brother. Brant didn't like that and was very jealous. That jealousy led to the horrible things he did to our unborn baby and me.
The support of my friends is what got me through the hardest years of my life. Each person played a role in my healing, both mentally and physically.
Fast forward to present day. Finn is still single, and I’m still hiding in my home—not voicing how I feel about him—how I’ve felt about him for some time now. Finn isn’t just another guy, though. He's one of the best men I've ever met. He ranks right up there with Parker and Cy, and that's a pretty high pedestal I have them on. They’ve gone above and beyond for me. They’ve fought for me, protected me, and loved me as only best friends can. The one thing I can’t tell them is: I’m secretly in love with Finn Bradley.
No, the three guys don’t have a strained relationship anymore. They actually get along great and have guy’s nights all the time while Eve, Tori, and I do girl stuff.
I’ve been asked if I have feelings for the super sexy Finn and every time, I say no, though I have a feeling Eve knows. She’s around me a lot. I don’t know how I’d get everything done if it weren’t for her.
Finn comes to visit me often for lunch while Eve is here. She’ll wink and excuse herself to meet her husband. She insists Finn has feelings for me. However, he’s never voiced them, and I've never asked. I'm afraid to know. Afraid of a whole lot of things if I'm honest with myself.
When I think of dating, of letting someone into my life on a permanent basis, fear takes over. The last man I let that close to me violated me in more ways than I want to remember. But with Finn, I feel like I might be able to let him in. If only I were willing to take the leap. And it’s a huge leap. Like the size of the Grand Canyon. But what if I get everything I’ve ever wanted?
“You’re doing that thing again,” Parker observes. He stops scrolling on his phone to look at me.
I wave him off. He doesn't need to know I'm thinking about a certain someone. "Just had a book idea," I lie. It's a believable one.
He narrows his eyes then goes back to his phone. Thick blond hair falls forward over his forehead as he concentrates on what he’s doing. I have no doubt he’s researching something for work. He’s a very skilled software developer. To the point that what he’s created has made him millions when he sold it. He doesn’t need to work, but he loves what he does.
“Why are you here, Parker?” There has to be a reason he dropped by. He doesn’t exactly have a boring home life. What with twin sons about to start kindergarten.
He lies his head back on the chair. “Tora kicked me out for a while. Apparently, I was riling the boys up and making things worse.” Astoria was always Tora to Parker. Not Tori like the rest of us call her. No, that nickname is reserved solely for him.
I laugh. “What did you do?”
“I bought them a laser tag set and told them to play… inside.”
“Why would you do that? It’s gorgeous out today. You have enough land and trees that they could have so much fun outside.”
He levels me with a glare. “Listen, I never said my ideas were great, but she didn’t need to throw me out.”
“I doubt she threw you out. You’re probably being dramatic.” He rolls his eyes.
A knock sounds on my office door, causing my head to turn that way. There was a time when my house was always locked up tight, with the alarm set. That was when my ex was in jail and after he was released. Now that he’s dead, and time has passed, my fear of being attacked in my home has lessened. I still lock it down at night and set the alarm, but during the day it’s a revolving door of people. I love every minute of it.
Finn peeks his head in. His chestnut hair is combed back from his face. Brown eyes crinkle slightly in the corners as a smile lights his face. He’s truly breathtaking. I let out a long, dreamy sigh before I realize what I’m doing.
“Finn!” Parker says and stands to go over to him. “Come in and tell Blair to get her ass in gear. I hate waiting for her books. I’m the worst fan of hers because I’ll torment her relentlessly until I get my fix. I’m an addict, dude, and not too proud to admit it.”
Finn chuckles and fully steps into the room. Today he’s wearing a pair of grey, plaid shorts with a white T-shirt that probably cost more than half my wardrobe. No cheap clothes for our Finn.
To date, Finn owns three very successful, and very trendy, restaurants and one nightclub. His business has grown over the years, and he works tirelessly to ensure everything runs smoothly. I’ve lost track of how many times he’s passed out on my couch watching television because he’s run himself ragged.
Finn shoves his hands into his pockets and rocks back on his heels. "I was hoping to lure Blair out for lunch. I have a new menu I'm testing at one of my restaurants and want her opinion."
Parker taps his finger on his chin as he contemplates this. Not like I’m in the room or anything. “I guess that’s okay, as long as you can get her to tell you the name of Marina's killer. She left me hanging in the last book, and I'm still pissed about it."
Finn turns to me and winks. He fucking winks, and it's all I can do not to melt in my chair. “I’ll see what I can get out of her.”
Parker claps him on the shoulder. “You’re a good man, Finn Bradley. I’ll wait for a text from you later.” He gives me one backward glance before he slips out of my office and down the stairs, no doubt heading home to see if he’s allowed back in yet.
That means I’m alone with Finn. Eve has the day off. It was ultrasound day for her. Cy and Eve are expecting their first child and found out what the sex of the baby was today. It’s a girl. I’m over the moon excited for them. But there is this small part of me that wishes I had my own child with me. The child I was robbed of many years ago.
“Blair?” Finn asks gently as he approaches my desk. I focus on him and shake my melancholy away.
“Sorry. A little lost in thought for a second there.” He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. Finn has always been a gentle, calming presence since he entered my life.
“Can you get away, or are you in the middle of something? I’m sorry. I should have called.”
I wave him off. “Nonsense. I always have time for you.”
Pushing back from my desk, I close my laptop then walk downstairs with Finn beside me. In my kitchen, I grab my purse and keys. Finn waits by the door for me like a perfect gentleman. That’s all he ever is. Never trying more. Never once attempting to kiss me. I want him to so badly, but then what? Would that be the end of us if he didn’t feel the same? I’d never want to lose him as a friend. He’s too important to me.
Outside, after I’ve locked up and set the alarm, Finn opens the door of his pristinely clean, white Porsche Cayenne SUV. The restaurant business is good to him, and he has no problem showing off the fruits of his labor.
The drive to the city doesn’t take long and before I realize it, we pull up in front of his newest restaurant, Bradley’s. Simply named for the man beside me.
Since it’s early, and this place doesn’t normally serve lunch, Finn didn’t have to fight for a parking spot. He had this place built in a quieter part of downtown that’s currently on its way to becoming a trendier neighborhood. Finn loves being part of the revitalization.
Before I can open my door, Finn is on my side doing it for me. I smile, thank him, and follow him as he unlocks the front door of the restaurant.
“Beck!” he calls out.
Beck rounds a corner and smiles wide when he sees us. He’s in his late twenties and listed as one of the top chefs. Finn was lucky to hire him when he did.
“Finn, Blair, so nice of you to come by. I have a huge spread for you, so I hope you brought your appetites.” On cue, Finn’s stomach growls. He slaps a hand on it over his shirt. He has a solid wall of muscle under there. He works out regularly. “I’m hungry. I can’t wait to taste everything.”
“Me, too,” I add, once I draw my gaze from Finn. “I haven’t eaten since six this morning.”
Finn turns toward me as his eyebrows furrow, no doubt analyzing what I just said. Six in the morning isn’t crazy early. He doesn’t need to know I’ve actually been up since four, when I woke from a nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep.
Beck claps his hands together. “Perfect. Take a seat and allow me to dazzle your taste buds.”
We walk to the only table currently set, and Finn pulls out a chair for me then takes his own.
“Why were you up so early?” he asks. I didn’t think I’d be lucky enough to escape his questioning.
I shrug, trying to make it seem like it’s nothing to worry about. “Just another nightmare. No big deal.”
“Blair,” Finn says softly as he reaches for my hand to give it a gentle squeeze. “You should have called me. I would have come over.”
There was a time when I’d wake from a nightmare and call Parker. My anxiety would be so bad that I’d hide in my closet or bathtub until he got there and would help calm me. Since Brant was killed, the nightmares haven’t completely gone away, but my anxiety has lessened. Brant couldn’t get me anymore. With the help of therapy, I’ve come a long way.
I squeeze Finn’s hand back. “You’ve been working long hours. You don’t need me waking you early with my problems.”
"You could call me ten times a night, and I would always be there. Nothing in my life is more important than you. I want you to be happy, Blair." He means it, too. Finn is the kind of man who would drop everything if a friend was in need. I’m just not someone who would ever take advantage of that.
2
Finn
A nightmare is a big deal, even if Blair doesn’t want to admit it. I’ve gone over to her house in the mornings after she’s had one. She has bags under her eyes. She’s more withdrawn. You can see the dark shadows of the dream dancing in her eyes. I hate seeing her upset. But today she seems good.
Beck strides toward the table with a tray full of food. I release Blair’s hand to sit back while he lays everything on the table. I’ve lost my appetite. I want nothing more than to comfort Blair and take her home. However, I can’t do that. Beck’s excited about us trying out some ideas he has, and maybe it’s not the worst thing for Blair to be out of the house. Besides, if she didn’t want to go, she’d have told me.
We spend the next hour sampling all kinds of food. Pairings I never thought would go together, but when Beck does it, he makes the flavors sing in harmony. It reminds me of the reason I hired him. He's the fucking best.
The drive back to Blair’s house is done in silence. Nothing more of the nightmare was said while we ate, and I didn’t want to bring it up. The last thing I want to do is cause Blair more pain. I have no doubt her thinking about the nightmare will do that.
To say I’m in love with Blair is an understatement. What I feel for her is an all-encompassing, earth-shattering, would die for her kind of love. Of course, I’ve never told her that. I don’t think she sees me as anything other than a friend. Which is just lovely. Apparently, I need more friends. Parker, Cy, Tori, and Eve are enough. I want Blair as more. But how? It's been years, and she's never given any inkling of feelings for me that are more than PG rated.
Every time I see her, every time she’s close, it takes everything in me not to pull her into my arms and find out what her lips taste like. I could never make a move like that on Blair, though. Not after all she’s been through. She has to make the first move. She has to tell me she’s okay.
I know about her past. One night when we were watching a movie together years ago, she told me. She laid it out there while I held her as she cried. I know every part of Blair. Not only her past but the good things as well. Little tidbits of information that have been revealed to me throughout our friendship.
Parker warned me never to hurt her. This was back when he thought we were an item. We weren’t then. We aren’t now.
I pull into her driveway and shut the SUV off. I have zero plans of going back into the city until tonight. I’m going to spend the afternoon here, where she can talk if she wants or say nothing and just have the peace of mind of someone being home with her.
“You’re staying?” she asks before getting out.
“If that’s okay. I can work. I have my laptop.”
She nods. “Company would be nice.”
We get out of the SUV, and I grab my laptop bag from the back seat. Blair unlocks the door and disarms the alarm. Arrow Falls isn’t a big town. It’s the kind of place where everyone knows everyone else. There aren’t many secrets here. Well, except for the ones held behind tightly closed doors. Like the hell Cy dealt with that none of us knew about. Even thinking about what he went through ignites my veins with rage. Then there’s what happened with Blair before she came to live here. Everything that took place in her home, and Parker’s as well, at the hands of her ex is something the entire town knows about. Hell, people across the country heard, thanks to the media. It’s not every day a best-selling author is involved in such a thing. People were killed. Others were shot. It was brutal. Blair is more at peace now. She doesn’t have her unhinged ex gunning for her.
Inside, we walk upstairs to Blair’s office. She settles around the desk, while I pull up a chair in front of her. We both open our computers so the tops of the screens touch and we’re facing one another. This isn’t the first time we’ve worked like this. Actually, we’ve done it countless times. I like to sneak glances at the stunning woman in front of me as she works.
Blair writes under the pen name Brenda Simone. Her books are loved and sell like motherfuckers every time she releases. She loves what she does. Her face lights up when she writes. I've seen her laugh and cry with her characters. She says I must think she's crazy with how she talks to them. But I don't see crazy. I see a woman who is passionate about what she does for a living, and that's amazing.
Her long, dark hair hangs over her shoulders for a moment before she pulls it back and twists it into a messy bun, which is only held up by two pencils she found on her desk. Her brown eyes focus on the laptop screen as her nails click away on the keyboard. I’m so fucking gone for this woman, it’s not even funny.
She looks up and catches me watching her. A blush rises to her cheeks. “What?”
I smile. “You’re stunning.” It’s not the first time I’ve told her how attractive she is, but it is the first time I’ve added a little heat to my words.
She ducks her head. “I’m not.”
“Blair, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” Sure, I could have kept that feeling to myself, but I find I can’t keep my mouth shut at the moment. I want so much more with her. I want a life with her.
“I know how you see me, Finn.”
I cock my head. “You do?" There's no way she knows the extent of my feelings, so I'm curious as to what she has to say.
She sighs and leans back in her chair. Her eyes fully focus on me. “I’m a friend. Just like Eve and Tori are. I’m someone you can hang out with and talk to with no strings attached. I’m your best friend, who’s always there for you no matter what.”
And here’s more honesty from me. “Well, you’re right about some things. You are my best friend. You are always there for me. But you’re more than that, Blair. I don’t see you how I do Tori and Eve. I never have.”
She sucks in a breath. “What do you mean?”
I scrub a hand over my face, trying to decide how much I want to lay out there. This could backfire so fucking fast. “I have feelings for you.” There, I said it. Like ripping a bandage off. Okay, so I didn’t profess my undying love, but it’s something. Maybe enough to push us to the next level, or enough to push us over a cliff, with no chance of salvaging our friendship.
