Breaking Through the Past, page 7
There had to be someone in this city who would accept me for who I was and not want to change things because it didn’t suit them. Then maybe I could stop projecting my needs and desires on my friend. A friend who was almost half my age.
I ladled the sauce on top of the chicken and carried the platter to the table. Jansen had taken a seat on the bench along the wall, leaving me the chair on the other side. He took a deep inhale the moment I set the platter down between us.
He moaned. “I can’t wait to dive into that.”
I glanced around the table, knowing something was missing. “Damn, I almost forgot the salad.”
“Is it in the fridge? I can grab it.” Jansen moved to stand, but I stopped him.
“It is, but I’m already up. Why don’t you start filling the plates instead?” If there was one thing I remembered about Jansen the other times he ate in my home, he always liked to be helpful. Unlike my daughter, he didn’t prefer to be waited on hand and foot. Something she only got when she was with her mother.
With the salad on the table, I sat down across from Jansen and served the salad into the bowls I’d set out next to the plates.
“Training today?” I asked.
“This morning, then I played a game with the guys.”
“The guys?” I asked, cutting into the chicken on my plate.
“D, King, Hayes, and Nordin were there.” He took another bite. “Damn, I missed your cooking.”
I smiled. “I’m glad you like it. I’ve missed cooking.”
“You don’t cook for yourself?”
I shook my head. “Not usually. Cooking for one isn’t the same.”
Jansen lifted his glass. “I can agree on that. I hate cooking for just me.”
We continued chatting through our meal. Jansen was quick to jump up when we were done to help clear the table and load the dishwasher. With everything from dinner taken care of, we made our way to the den where the larger TV was set up.
“What are we watching?” Jansen asked, taking a seat on the couch.
I picked up the remote from the table and turned on the TV. “It’s a documentary about Pearl Harbor and the USS Oklahoma.”
“Okay,” he said, nodding his head.
I chuckled. “Have you heard of it before?”
He smirked. “I know what Pearl Harbor is, but I don’t know any of the ship names.”
I scrolled through the app until I found the program, then turned to Jansen before I hit start. “The USS Oklahoma was one of the ships that was sunk during the attack on Pearl Harbor, but because it didn’t explode like the Arizona, it doesn’t always get the recognition it deserves.”
“Some background is probably good.”
“I haven’t seen this one yet, but I’m sure they’ll have a little bit in the beginning as well.”
He pointed toward the remote with a smile. “Then what are we waiting for?”
I hit play and settled back into the couch, ready to see what new facts I could learn about that day in Pearl Harbor.
The screen faded to black when it was over before returning to the main menu of the app. I looked over at Jansen, nervous I might find him with his head lolled back on the couch, sound asleep. I’d been so engrossed with the show, I hadn’t stopped to make sure Jansen was enjoying himself and not completely bored to tears.
What I found instead was Jansen still staring at the screen. Had he zoned out completely?
“Jansen?”
He turned his gaze to me and smiled. “That was interesting as hell. Are all documentaries like that one? The ones I watched in school as a kid sucked.”
I laughed. “I wish I could say they’re this well done. Not much money was put into the ones schools usually choose to show and the technology didn’t exist.” I rested my hand on his arm. “I’m also pretty sure you’ve matured a lot since then.”
Something in his eyes flashed for a moment. “I’m not so sure about that.”
Heat burst under my collar, but I shoved it back down. There was no way I saw desire slipping into Jansen’s gaze. It was a product of my sex-starved imagination. I didn’t actually see him leaning forward, or his eyes dropping to my lips moments before he covered my mouth with his.
What. Was. Happening?
Shock held me immobile. It wasn’t until Jansen’s tongue slid across the crease of my lips that I snapped out of it. I brought my hands to his chest and pushed him back. Our eyes locked instantly.
“What was that?” I asked.
Jansen ran a hand through his hair. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” He stood from the couch and bolted for the door before I could stop him.
I heard the front door close before I got my head on straight enough to go after him. By the time I opened the door, he was already gone.
I shut it and leaned against it, closing my eyes.
Did that really just happen?
My mind had moved between reality and fantasy so often when I sat alone in my home, I wasn’t sure what to think.
Only a few hours ago, I’d thought about what Jansen’s lips would taste like and on my first chance to find out, I froze and pushed him away.
What else was I supposed to think? The man was straight. He’d dated my daughter, for crying out loud. Yet tonight I saw desire in his eyes. Desire, I thought I’d made up in my head.
I pushed off the door, turning the lights out as I made my way to the stairs. A shower and some sleep might help clear my head enough to determine dreams from reality. Not that I thought I had much of a chance of sleep tonight.
There would be only one question on my mind.
Why had Jansen kissed me?
11
JANSEN
Sweat poured down my face. Even with the air-conditioning on, I still sweated my ass off. Jagger wasn’t doing his job unless I was soaked from our workouts.
“You’re sulking,” Jagger said and sat on the floor where I was rehydrating. I couldn’t tell him I wasn’t sulking, because I was. I needed someone to talk this shit through with.
“I fucked up.”
He cocked his head slightly. “How?”
“I went over to Stephen’s last night. We hung out, had dinner, watched TV, then I kissed him.”
“What?” he yelled. I was pretty sure Melanie heard him inside the house.
I’d be shocked if she wasn’t out here soon, asking what was going on. She loved a good gossip session with me, even if I usually didn’t have much to say. The thing was, Melanie would never tell anyone.
I picked up the towel and wiped my face. “I’m attracted to him. I’ve never felt that way about a guy before. When I think about him, there’s something special.”
“I knew you were being weird.”
“I was not.”
“I don’t mean it in a bad way. Just that you’ve been quieter this week when we worked out. I figured I’d let you be, and you’d eventually talk to me. But then today you came in with a look on your face, and I knew something had happened. So, I’m guessing the kiss wasn’t good?”
I sighed. “He pushed me away.”
“Ouch.”
“I can’t blame him. I sprung it on him. No talking beforehand. No finding out if he even wants me that way. It was so stupid, and now I’m stuck worrying if I lost a friend.”
I was up most of the night. I kept playing it over in my head. I’d like to think by now I could read a person and tell if they wanted more. The way Stephen was looking at me, the cute as hell flush that worked over his skin, I thought he wanted me too.
Nope. Wrong again. I apparently didn’t know anything. It was amazing I made it this far in life with the relationships I’d had. Although, they weren’t successful, seeing how I was still single, so there was that. I was a real catch.
“Obviously you regret doing it,” Jagger said.
“I regret the way I did it.” God, did I ever. “I shouldn’t have leaned in and gone for it. But actually kissing him, I don’t, because I was thinking about it for a while now and I wanted to see what it would be like with him.”
“He might have been surprised and that’s why he pushed you away.”
I scoffed. “Surprised would have been a gasp then him pressing his lips to mine again.”
“Jans, not everyone reacts the same way to being kissed by someone for the first time. I know you realize that. You’re too caught up in overanalyzing this to see the reality of it. People are different. They do things you might not.”
“The reality is that I fucked up.”
“You should give him a chance to explain.”
My phone sat on top of my bag nearby. I lifted it and there were no new notifications. I couldn’t bring myself to text him. What would I say? I had to apologize but texting felt wrong. I wanted him to see my face and know I was sincere. So much got lost in text.
“I’m giving him space,” I said. “I’m not sure what else to do. Texting him is too impersonal.”
“You could stop by and see him tonight to apologize in person. The longer you let this go, the worse you’re going to feel.”
“Not tonight. If I don’t hear from him by Sunday, I’ll talk to him.” That would give me three days if I counted today. By then I was sure to be a mess.
“At least you have a plan.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, it’s solid.”
“Come on. Break’s over.”
Right. I was here for a reason, not to pour my heart out to my best friend.
We returned to it until my muscles burned and we were finally done. I stripped out of my shorts, leaving my boxer briefs on and jumped into the pool. It was the best way to cool off. I was on my back on a pool float, letting the sun kiss my skin when Melanie walked out.
“Did you shower before you got in there?” I didn’t need to open my eyes to know she was giving me her best stern mom look with her hands on her hips and her shooting daggers at me.
“Absolutely not.” I couldn’t fight the grin which spread over my lips. It was a welcome feeling after moping all morning.
“I don’t want your sweaty ass in my pool.”
This time I looked and put my hand up to shield my eyes so I could see her. Like I thought, her hands were on her hips. “My ass was probably the sweatiest place on me.”
“Ewww.”
“Please. Your husband gets just as sweaty.”
“Yeah, and I don’t go rubbing my hands all over his ass when he is.”
“Maybe you should,” Jagger said walking over. He was freshly showered.
Melanie laughed. They were cute together. I wanted that. Someone to be sweet with. Someone who I could joke with, and they’d joke back, but as more than friends. I had plenty of fun with the guys on the team, Jagger, and Melanie. But I wanted inside jokes with a loved one. Someone who got me on a level no one else did.
“You’re sulking again,” Jagger called out.
“What’s the matter, Jans?” Melanie asked.
“He kissed Stephen.”
“What?” She had the exact same reaction as her husband did.
Jagger filled her in on what happened while I floated around in the pool until I felt a tap on my side.
I glanced over and saw Melanie hitting me with the leaf skimmer. I pushed it away. “What are you doing?”
“I need you to come over here so I can talk to you and not have you drift around the damn pool.”
Grabbing the pole of the skimmer, I let her drag me to the pool’s edge. I wasn’t getting off the float though. I was comfortable.
She sat on the edge and put her legs into the water. “I want you to see me when I tell you this. You think you fucked up. I get it. I would feel the same way. You don’t truly know if you did until you talk to him though. If he says he doesn’t want anything to do with you, we’ll deal with it together. I hate to think of you beating yourself up over it. But you might not have destroyed anything. Maybe he was just shocked and didn’t know what to do.”
“You sound like Jag.”
“He is right some of the time.” She patted Jagger’s leg where he stood beside her. “Anyway, you left before either of you could talk.”
“Not my best moment.”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s done and you can’t go back. You reacted and that was that. I understand you not wanting to text him but waiting for him to reach out to you, he might not. You fled the scene, Jans. That wouldn’t give me all the warm and fuzzy feelings.”
“You’re saying he might be waiting for me to come to him?”
She shrugged. “Maybe. I’m not sure. I don’t know him. I think giving him a bit of space will help, like you suggested.”
“Okay.”
Melanie had a point. I didn’t know if I fucked up beyond repair until I talked to Stephen. Still, the thought of going to him and apologizing was daunting. I wanted him to see me so I could apologize in person but if he rejected me, I might break.
How bizarre was that? Stephen had a hold over me I didn’t even realize, yet we weren’t dating. We weren’t having a casual fling. We were friends. And I was so wrapped up in my head, imagining different scenarios, that I was overthinking the whole thing. It wouldn’t be the first time that happened.
I sighed and pushed off from the wall to float again.
“You can drift around this pool for another thirty minutes,” Melanie told me. “Then I want you to shower and come in the house for lunch.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She kicked her feet, sending splashes of water my way. She hated when I called her that. She told me she was too young to be a ma’am. I disagreed. There was no age for that. It was polite. Although I did say it to rile her up.
Eventually, the two of them went into the house, leaving me with nothing but the sounds of nature and my overwhelming thoughts. One relaxed me while the other stressed me. Just what I needed.
I had to try to calm my mind and just let things be for a few days. I would go to him on Sunday. I would apologize and hope I didn’t ruin our friendship. Until then, I had to let it go, which was easier said than done. Tomorrow, I had training again with Jagger. Maybe Saturday night I would see if one of the guys wanted to go out for a drink or dinner. Something to keep me occupied. If not, I could wander around the grocery store. I was due to go shopping anyway.
I had lunch with Jagger and Melanie. They tried to keep me there longer. Melanie said I could go with her to pick the kids up at camp. That was all she needed to say. I wasn’t turning down an opportunity to see two of my favorite people. I loved their kids. When they saw me, they ran to me and took flying leaps. Luckily, I was ready for them since it wasn’t the first time they’d done that. We laughed as I dramatically fell back to the ground while they tickled my sides. They were just what I needed.
Around late afternoon, I dragged myself home, even though they told me to stay for dinner. I’d imposed on them enough today. I’d see them tomorrow and might take an extra-long dip in their pool again. It was somewhat soothing.
Collapsing down onto my couch, I grabbed the remote and started flipping through the channels until I landed on local sports, of course. There was Knox’s mug on the screen. The sportscaster spoke about the Jetties and highlighted off-season training. He must have gone out to visit Knox. After all the shit media he’d had lately, it was good to get positive attention. I was sure Kasper and the others would love it, especially Katie. She had a tough job doing our PR, but she was the best at it.
I grabbed my phone and opened a text to Knox.
Me: Look at my boy on TV!
I took a picture of the screen with him on it and sent it to him.
Knox: I do look pretty handsome.
Me: You always do.
Knox: You’re just jealous you don’t look that good.
Me: Pfftt. I’m much better looking than you.
Knox: Then why did they put me in the story and not you?
Me: I declined. Said I was too busy.
I didn’t. I just liked fucking with him.
Knox: You’re such a liar.
Me: You’ll never know.
He sent me the middle finger emoji, making me laugh.
Even if things with Stephen didn’t go as I hoped, I had to remember I still had people who cared about me. Friends and family who would always be there for me. That counted for a whole hell of a lot.
12
STEPHEN
The sweet smell of cinnamon rolls filled my nose as I stepped through the front door of Sunrise Café, a small place that sat on the corner a few blocks from my house. Quaint and quiet, it was the perfect place to settle my thoughts from the week and relax. The last few days would send any man running.
The place was simple. A variety of chairs surrounded wooden tables in the middle of the room, while along the sides stood booths with a couple of different colored pillows sitting on the benches. The walls were covered in paintings done by local artists—some for sale, others for decoration. It had a hometown feel that welcomed everyone. The kind of connection I needed after a very lonely week.
In my normal booth in the back, I waited for Rose to come and take my order. While there had been a lot of turnover throughout the years, Rose had been the one constant. The one person I could always guarantee would be here Sunday mornings.
Only about ten years older than me, Rose walked toward me in her usual jeans and café T-shirt. She already had a mug of steaming hot coffee in her hand and a small pitcher of creamer in her other. She was an attractive woman. One I’d considered dating more than once when we first met, but it didn’t take me long to realize it would ruin the friendship we’d built.
The same concern I’d had since Jansen pressed his lips to mine earlier in the week. The heat that seeped through me before I’d pushed him back. Not only were we friends, and he was straight, he was also my daughter’s ex. A land mine I wasn’t willing to get near as a possible experiment for a straight man.
Over the years, Rose watched as I sometimes brought whoever I dated with me to breakfast. When I didn’t, she made sure to sit across from me after her shift ended to chat and catch up. She’d been there for me the morning after Peter left me. I’d sat in this same booth up until the lunch rush and not once did she make me feel like I needed to leave so she could turn over the table.
