Paint Me Fearless, page 12
“Oh boy.”
“There was blood and hollering. And Lenny…” I sobbed. “Lenny busted Adam’s guitar into a million pieces.”
“He was angry, I guess. Guys get that way if they feel someone is trying to take their girl away.” Pop wiped a tear as it dripped down my cheek onto my chin.
I just couldn’t stop crying, but telling the story felt better, like I was less alone.
“It was so embarrassing though. I was so mad at Lenny.” I crumbled as I remembered the rest. “And I might be in trouble because the cops were on the way. We could see their lights.”
“Don’t you worry about that. I know people. You won’t get into any trouble. I’ll make sure of that.”
“Can you really? Everything just got so out of hand. And I think… I think I broke up with Lenny.” I let go with a fresh round of sobs.
Pop sighed, gently tugging the covers down so he could blot my tears as they streamed down my chin onto my neck and chest. “Desi, sweetheart, I know you don’t believe this, but you’ll be all right.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Boys are like… well, think of them as pieces of pie.” Pop’s hand shook as he got a little emotional. Trying to help me calm down. Trying to make me understand. “There are lots of different delicious kinds of pies, right?”
I nodded, sniffling loudly.
“There’s apple pie, blueberry pie, pecan pie, and you know you have to try all kinds of different slices of pie before you decide on which one you want for the rest of your life. Does that make sense?”
“I think so. But I like Lenny, and I don’t know if I want any of the other slices.” I broke down again, realizing I’d just broken up with my favorite slice of pie.
“No, no.” Pop ran the now soggy handkerchief down my chest, over and over, blotting my tears. “Please don’t cry, sweetheart,” Pop said, shaking. “I’m right here.” He was probably growing tired being on his knees.
The more I tried to get control of myself, the more I cried. Pop continued to wipe my tears, gently tugging the covers down, dabbing lower to wipe fresh tears.
He breathed heavier. Shook more.
Winston lifted his head. Something… something was wrong. My heart did a flip. No. I was being stupid. I tried hard to catch my breath, to calm down. But I couldn’t move my arms because they were pinned under the covers.
“Thanks, Pop. I get it now.” But he didn’t move away. I added in a stronger voice, “About the pie.”
But he still wasn’t leaving. In fact, he seemed more upset, more worked up. I could barely make out his shadow, but I could see him moving the cloth along my chest. He tugged the covers lower and lower.
He probably didn’t realize what he was doing. It was dark. Surely I was wrong. This couldn’t be happening.
“It’s okay, Pop. I think I’m okay now.” But I couldn’t turn away, couldn’t move because I was a trapped mummy under the covers. All except the top where he’d moved the covers to wipe the tears.
And now… was that? No, it couldn’t be.
I felt the handkerchief on my nipple. Pop was moving it back and forth like he was wiping tears. But I wasn’t crying anymore!
“I just love you so much,” he breathed.
“Okay.” I tried to pull myself away, but his elbow remained on my nightgown. I couldn’t move. “Thanks, Pop. I’m okay now.”
“Like I said, you’re the apple of my eye. You’re my girl.”
Whatever this was… I wanted it to end. It had to end!
“I love you. Do you love me?”
What should I do? Should I scream? Of course not, that would be silly. I was probably wrong and being stupid. It was dark, and he couldn’t see, and this was probably all my imagination, and I was just being stupid, stupid, stupid.
Yes.” I pulled away again. Oh please, God, I’m sorry for being so stupid. Just please let it stop.
He breathed hard then, and a ragged tremor went through him.
“Pop’s gonna always take care of you. You know that?” Uneven breaths, one after the other, and then one final shudder.
Winston raised his doggy head beside me, let out the tiniest of sounds. Almost like a low growl.
Pop finally lifted his elbow off the covers.
I managed to free my arms then. Scooted away.
Finally, he moved the handkerchief somewhere I couldn’t see, lower, more toward the floor. Fiddled with it a minute. And then, with an effort, he pushed himself up off the floor. His knees cracked.
“Good night, sweetheart.” He sighed, and mercifully, left the room.
For a long time, I stared at Winston. I stroked him, focusing on his dark button eyes and his lolling tongue and nothing else. My mind was blank. I wanted it to be blank. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing was in my heart. And finally, the fluttering stopped.
I turned over then, and reached on my nightstand for the Bible Robin had given me. I held it tightly to my chest. Stared blankly at the reflection of the moon through the shades in my room. I wasn’t sure how long. Thinking about nothing was hard work.
Eventually I fell asleep, listening to Winston’s soft snores beside me.
I dreamed of guitars and handkerchiefs and slices of pie…
Chapter Eleven
Evil Trickery
Robin
Lenny was driving me crazy. Sure, his muscle was coming in handy as he loaded boxes into the back of the U-Haul rental trailer, but his incessant yakking and agonizing over Desi stretched my last nerve.
“Lenny!” I snapped, “put that box in the back. It’s got breakables in it.”
“I see it, Robin. Right here. It says dishes. I got it.” Forlorn, he traipsed through the hot trailer and placed the box in its proper place. “You don’t have to be so mean.”
I sighed. “I just don’t understand. Y’all are back together now. What’s the problem?”
“I don’t know. That’s what I’m trying to find out from you.”
“She’s just tired, Lenny. She’s got that new job at JCPenney’s, and she’s busy working long hours, and—”
“You’re the one who’s busy. I mean, have you really talked to her lately?”
“Of course I have. She practically spends the night here every night.” I glanced over at Dean, who lugged another box from my house to the U-Haul. “What’s that box say?”
Dean was tired and sweaty, but on a mission. He put the box in its proper section. “Paper goods. Goes in front.”
Sometimes I found his practical traits adorable.
“But you know, Robin, our apartment isn’t that big,” Dean said. “And I’d like to bring a few things of my own. Things like—oh, I don’t know—paper and pens and books?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Lenny quipped.
I shot them both a look, hushing Dean, “Don’t say that so loud. Mama or Daddy might hear.”
“Do you really think they don’t know y’all are sharing a place?” Lenny asked.
“I think they have an idea, and I think they aren’t pleased,” I explained. “But why rub it in?”
Dean had received a full paid scholarship from Northwestern University in Natchitoches, which covered his tuition and most of his housing expenses. Things that wouldn’t be covered, like food, gas, and day-to-day expenses, would be coming out of our own pockets.
Dean, because he was so brilliant, had found a decent-paying intern job in the Business Department. I, because of Mama’s library connections, had snagged one of the coveted on-campus jobs at the university library.
Mama had managed to get a glowing letter of reference for me from the director of the State Library Association. The job only paid minimum wage, but it would likely be enough to cover the additional cost of a two-bedroom apartment on campus.
Our parents had reluctantly agreed to let us “room” together until we got settled in Natchitoches. Mostly because it was economical. But also because Dean had made it clear that as soon as he could provide properly for me, he planned to marry me. To prove it, he’d bought me a promise ring, with a ridiculously tiny diamond. Once his career took off, he vowed, he’d replace it with one that could cut glass.
Whatever that meant. None of this I cared about. I was just thrilled to be getting out of Shady Gully, Louisiana. Except, of course, the part about leaving Desi.
“Did you know Mitch and Dolly are getting married?” Lenny asked, straightening boxes. “I just don’t see that.”
“Oh, I do,” I said. “They’re both good looking and shallow and absolutely perfect for each other.”
“But it’s not like that with me and Desi. I really love her.”
“You better get a grip on your obsession with Adam then. Everybody is still talking about the throwdown at Cicada Stadium. Jesse and James supposedly used it as a bad example in their Sunday school class.”
“What?” Lenny was annoyed. “Those two are worse than Dolly.”
Dean agreed. “That family covets their morally superior image.”
“Yeah.” Lenny nodded. “Anyway, Mitch and Dolly are building this house on Piney Lake. They’re subcontracting it themselves. Desi saw the plans and said it’s gonna be nice.”
“They’re building a house here?” I asked, “What happened to law school?”
Lenny shrugged. “Beats me.”
I popped the trailer’s side. “Is that everything? Are we ready?”
Dean looked at his watch. “We’re ahead of schedule. We’ll have just enough time to unload in Natchitoches and—”
“We need to be back by six, when Desi gets off,” Lenny said.
Dean gave him a thumbs-up as we climbed into the cab of the big truck. Lenny behind the wheel, me in the middle, and Dean riding shotgun. I turned the volume up on the radio as soon as we hit the interstate.
“So,” Lenny said, turning the volume down. “I know Desi isn’t eighteen yet, but if I get that job offshore, I think I’m gonna ask her to marry me.”
“What? Where are y’all going to live?” Dean asked.
“We’ll find a place. If she says yes.” Lenny glanced at me. “There’s this old trailer on Coke’s Landing. It’s not much, but I checked it out, and we can get it pretty cheap. It would just be a starter place anyway.”
“You better make sure of that,” Dean said. “You don’t want to put her in a situation like her mom. It’s been how many years, and Mr. Tom still hasn’t built that three-story mansion?”
“Yeah. That’s not happening,” Lenny said. “I feel sorry for Sunny.”
I sat between them as they went back and forth about what Desi deserved and how Lenny would provide for her.
“You have to get her to marry you first,” I said.
“Exactly,” Lenny agreed. “That’s where I need your help.”
I groaned inwardly. This was going to be a long drive.
†††
We made it back to Shady Gully in time to clean up and change clothes and head to the mall in Belle Maison, where Desi worked. At exactly six o’clock, Lenny headed into JCPenney’s to retrieve her.
“That poor boy,” I said to Dean. “He’s gonna be devastated if Desi tells him no.”
“She might.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I don’t know,” Dean said. “It’s Desi. Do you really see her settling down with someone around here?”
I didn’t respond. Just watched thoughtfully as the glass doors of the department store opened and Lenny and Desi walked out, hand in hand. Desi wore a skirt and a silk blouse and black pumps. On the surface she seemed okay, smiling and laughing with Lenny, but there was more there. Lenny was right—she seemed off.
“She looks nice,” Dean commented. When I looked at him, he added, “Happy, I mean.”
Once in the backseat, Desi smiled, and just like Sunny, her presence seemed to make the air lighter. I was going to miss her. But I couldn’t wrap my head around that right now. Couldn’t dwell on it, or I’d chicken out altogether.
“How was the apartment?” she asked.
“Cool,” I told her. “It’s got a cute little yellow kitchen. I was thinking about accenting with light blue.”
“Really? I saw some cute light-blue kitchen towels on sale in the Household Department today. We could get a good deal on them if we use my employee discount.”
“That’s perfect.”
Dean and Lenny tuned out for a little while as we chatted about color schemes and vacuum cleaners. Finally, Dean said, “You realize, Desi, you’re actually the first one of us to earn a paycheck. That’s impressive.”
“I agree,” she said, “but that doesn’t mean I’m treating tonight. And I’m starving.”
We all laughed.
“I’m treating,” Lenny said. “What’s it gonna be?”
“Mexican,” Desi said.
“Great,” I said. “I can get a margarita.”
We found a booth and ordered nachos. I used my fake ID, compliments of Brad Wolfheart, and ordered a giant margarita. I watched as they all plowed into the nachos. I had absolutely no desire for food. My food was the three-pill trifecta—thyroid, appetite suppressant, and diuretic. That chased down with my delicious lime and tequila concoction was all I needed. Or wanted.
I was utterly content. Except for the nagging worry I’d run out of my magical trifecta when I moved to Natchitoches. Although Desi didn’t take diet pills herself, she promised to keep going to the doctor with Sunny to get them for me. She insisted it would give her an excuse to drive up and see me, but I felt guilty.
I knew she disapproved of me taking them. She said I had lost enough weight and didn’t need them. It’s true—I was down to one twenty, and finally had an inkling of what normal people experienced all the time.
Like looking into a mirror and not cringing in shame. Or pulling on your blue jeans without doing body contortions. How about the simple pleasure of being able to breathe in your clothes? And the joy of letting your boyfriend touch you wherever he wanted without angling yourself in a flattering way or sucking in your gut.
The pleasure of thinking about things other than weight, like blue kitchen towels for instance, was a freedom I’d never enjoyed. Quite simply, living without being consumed with self-hatred was a whole new world for me, and no way would I ever risk losing it.
“Earth to Robin,” Desi said. “The waiter wants to know what you want to order.”
“Oh, I’m fine just munching on these.” I grabbed a chip. “Thanks.”
I nipped off a bit of the chip, then casually discarded it on my plate as the waiter moved on to take Lenny’s order. I went back to sipping my margarita.
To say I felt superior wouldn’t be true, but as I watched Desi, Lenny, and Dean devour hundreds, if not thousands of calories, I did feel I had an element of power over them.
†††
That night, Mama had made up the cot beside my bed for Desi, and carefully hung her church clothes in my closet. Now that Desi spent the night almost every Saturday night, Mama’s routine became as practiced as ours.
We’d moved to the big bathroom in the hallway and were washing off our makeup and brushing our teeth when Desi said, “I have the whole weekend off next weekend. Maybe I can go with you and help you decorate your new apartment?”
I spit out toothpaste. “Let’s do it. Just us. I don’t think Lenny and Dean understand the concept.”
She nodded.
“You know, it’s a two bedroom, and you can come anytime. It’s not like I’m gonna be using that extra room.”
She looked at me, only a little shocked. “I figured. The way y’all were making out tonight.”
“Us?” I made big eyes. “What about y’all?”
We chuckled, towel dried our faces, and gathered our makeup bags. When we opened the door, Desi and I both squealed as a big gray snake jumped out at us. Turns out it was a rubber snake launched by the youngest miscreant, Max.
“Brat!” I threw a wet washcloth down the hall at him. “He’s so annoying.”
Desi laughed. “I wish I had a brother. Or a sibling.”
“You have me.” I smiled at her as we went into my bedroom and locked my door.
“Thank God for that.”
I lowered the setting on my lamp as we crawled into our respective beds. I was just gearing myself up to approach the Lenny thing, when she said, “Robin, I need to tell you something.”
“What?”
“I just want to start off by saying I wouldn’t be where I am now if not for you. And your whole family really.”
I waited, unsure where this was going.
“I know that Sunny believes in God, because she quotes the Bible all the time and gives me good advice and uses the Bible to make her point. I think she’s tried, and Daddy too, but I never…” Desi wiped a tear.
“Desi, what’s wrong?” I sat up, brightening my lamp.
“No, don’t do that.”
I dimmed my light again.
“I was never exposed to church as a kid. That’s why I didn’t even know the Lord’s Prayer, which I’m ashamed of—”
“That wasn’t your fault.”
“And I’ll never forget how you came to my rescue that day. Or how you and your family welcomed me to your church, and I’m… I’m just really grateful.”
“You know Mabel wouldn’t have it any other way.” I chuckled in the dark.
“Robin, tomorrow, at church, I want to be baptized. I want to be cleansed.”
I hesitated, searching for the right words.
“I’ve come to know Jesus, and I believe he’s my Lord and savior, and I want to proclaim it publicly. With you and your family. Tomorrow.”
“Desi, that’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you. Should we call Sunny and Mr. Tom so they can come?”
“No.”
“But it’s a big day and—”
