The Tearsmith, page 43
In such a calm, relaxed manner that it was frightening.
‘Of course,’ he said, his voice controlled. ‘Be my guest.’
I won’t do anything to you, he seemed to be promising, but his gaze made me feel like a little mouse facing a panther.
I swallowed hard.
‘If I come…you’ll let me through?’
Rigel licked his lips, letting his eyes wander, and he seemed more like a beast standing guard outside its lair than ever before.
‘Mm…’ he agreed.
‘No, say it…’ I stammered.
‘What?’ He laughed, amused.
‘That you’ll let me through.’
He blinked with an innocence that, if it was possible, made him seem even more dangerous.
‘I’ll let you through.’
‘You promise?’
‘I promise.’
I looked at him for a moment, uncertain, before deciding to approach.
And Rigel did, in fact, keep his promise.
He let me through.
He let me through, but then…he grabbed me so impetuously that it took my breath away.
He swept me off my feet. Literally.
I heard the door slam shut. My back against the wall, his body towering over me, I opened my eyes wide and Rigel slid his hand through my hair, bringing his lips to mine.
He kissed me with a wild, overwhelming fervour.
I tried to breathe, to keep hold of my ability to think clearly. I tried to push him away, to disentangle myself, but he trapped my lip between his teeth and sucked it until my legs went soft.
He trapped me against him, with his wolfish ways and his scorching lips, and I felt suddenly powerless.
Reality throbbed, blurred. I felt like I was losing my mind.
I should have been rational, understood the risk, but my feelings for him were too strong. They shattered me, suffocated me, melted me. I stroked his throat and responded with all the desperation coursing through my body.
Rigel grabbed my thighs and lifted me up. The bathrobe came loose and slid off my shoulders. I curled my toes as he bit the curve of my neck, tasting my fresh skin like it was forbidden fruit, sweet and juicy. My slender body tensed under his teeth. My legs trembled.
I was still so unused to being able to touch him, and letting him touch me, that at the slightest touch I trembled and my cheeks burned. I felt weak, hot and electrified.
Rigel sought my mouth again, I couldn’t keep up with him. As he parted my lips, I welcomed him with a little moan, and when his hot tongue entwined with mine, an ardent heat blazed from my stomach to my toes.
I didn’t understand how he could drain my energy like that, and at the same time make me feel so alive. His wild desire and his musk were completely intoxicating.
Suddenly, his hands slipped under my bathrobe, and I tensed. Without realising, I tilted my head and pulled away.
His mouth was just a breath away from mine. I gasped, my eyes half-closed, dazed, my heart about to burst from my chest.
Rigel licked his swollen lips. His hair shadowed his face. He seemed to realise he had scared me, because he pressed his cheek against mine, trying to control himself. In that moment, I noticed the trembling way he was holding me close to him.
His touch was rough, boisterous, wild. But also fearful of hurting me.
I loved that contrast in him, because even if he seized me like a beast, sometimes he seemed to understand me like no one else. Rigel was not violent or tyrannical, he was just a little gruff. He was made that way, but that didn’t make him wrong for me.
He gave me a long, gentle kiss on my neck, where my pulse was racing. His thumbs traced delicate circles on my skin and my body relaxed.
I leant my head against his with a sigh.
I calmed down, my mind languidly slipping into delirium.
I sought his lips again, and we plunged into a spiral of hot, deep kisses.
His tongue moved slowly now, sensually, and his fingers on my hips tightened passionately, unconsciously mirroring the rhythm of his tongue.
The taste of him went to my head. His hands sank into my flesh, rubbing me lustily against him. My cheeks flushed again, my breathing became laboured. A strange pressure pulsed in my lower stomach, sweet and unbearable.
His tongue set my mouth on fire. I found myself sucking it gently, almost shyly, making his fingers clench, digging deep into my skin.
I jumped. His fingertips trailed up my thighs, brushing against the lace of my panties. I clamped my legs around him until our breaths became synchronised again.
Rigel left my lips to bite my jaw, and then my neck, then my shoulder. He seemed lost, hungry, greedy for me. His hands squeezed my hips again, as if he craved the feeling of my flesh trembling, yielding, and moulding to his touch. I suppressed a moan of pain and arched into him. His fingers swept up my back, clutching my shoulder blades while his mouth stamped kisses on the sensitive skin behind my ear. My thighs tensed, my muscles quivered.
Rigel tilted me backwards and, pressing into my pelvis, put his lips to my breast.
I couldn’t breathe.
My head was spinning.
He was driving me crazy, tormenting me. He was making me explode, making me pant, making me alive.
He annihilated me with a kiss, made me part of himself.
And I let him do it, because I desired no other wolf but him.
The feeling I experienced was so strong that it made me tremble. I wished it didn’t always feel like we could be torn away from each other at any moment. As if there was never enough time, or words, nothing that we could experience fully.
I wanted to enter his heart and find out if he also felt this need that rendered everything else meaningless.
To belong to each other.
To stay together.
To hold each other tight.
Soul against soul.
And heart against heart.
For our cracks to converge, until there was no more fear…
The sound of the door handle came from far away.
Too far.
The door cracked open, and my soul jumped, my breath froze.
Quickly, I placed my hand on the door and pushed it back forcefully.
I held my breath as I heard Norman’s voice through the door. ‘Oh…Um…is there someone in the bathroom?’
I abruptly pulled away from Rigel and felt him resisting, trying to hold on to me.
‘Oh, Norman, Nica was taking a shower!’ Anna’s voice approached and terror overwhelmed me. ‘She might not have finished yet…Nica?’ She knocked. ‘Are you still drying off?’
I panted, terrified, realising I was a disaster. There were bite marks on my chest. I feebly closed the bathrobe around me, throwing an anxious look at Rigel. He was still watching me, as if nothing else mattered.
Anna knocked again. ‘Nica?’
‘Y…yeah,’ I said shrilly. As Rigel licked his lower lip, I added, ‘I…I haven’t finished yet.’
‘Is everything okay?’
‘Yeah!’
‘Okay, I’m coming in…’
‘No!’ I shouted in panic. ‘No, Anna…I…I’m not dressed yet!’
‘Don’t worry, Norman’s left! You’ve got your bathrobe on, right? I wanted to show you something.’
I was struggling to breathe. I bit my lip, hard, staring at the door, trying to think.
Very slowly, I lowered the handle and opened the door just enough to peer through the crack.
‘Oh, Nica, you’re still all wet,’ she remarked. ‘And your face is all red…Are you sure you’re all right?’
I swallowed, trying to divert her attention to something else. I noticed then she was holding something.
A dress.
‘Dalma made it,’ she announced happily, seeing where I was looking. ‘It’s for you. A little gift, to make up for what happened…I know how much you like bright colours but…she thinks that a darker shade, with your complexion, would look magnificent. And…here…’
It was black.
The soft fabric looked like a glistening ink stain in her hands. I couldn’t see it all, but I saw enough to grasp that it was nothing short of stunning.
‘Do you like it?’ Anna asked.
‘It’s beautiful, Anna,’ I whispered, almost speechless. ‘I…I don’t know what to say. Dalma is inc—Oh!’
I flushed and pressed my hand over my mouth. Behind the door, Rigel had just pinched my damp thigh.
Anna looked at me, confused and concerned, and I nudged her back with trembling hands. I guided her down the hallway, urging her to move with me.
‘I want to try it on right away! Dalma will be pleased…What time are they coming? Gosh, it’s so late…’
I kept talking and pulling her along, not giving her a chance to look back and discover…him.
* * *
—
The dress from Dalma was perfect. It fit me like a glove, clinging to my curves as if it had been stitched onto me. The sleeves covered my arms down to my fingers, but left my shoulders exposed.
Flustered, I smoothed the dress over my hips, looking at my reflection in the mirror.
The subtle shine of black complemented my complexion. Far from making me look dull, it provided a rare contrast that made me feel as special as a star in the night sky.
It was wonderful.
I would never get used to seeing myself like that. To always smelling nice, to wearing clean clothes every day. To being able to take a shower whenever I wanted, to taking as long as I needed to warm up, to seeing myself in a mirror without cracks.
To feeling that sensation on my skin, as if I was something beautiful and worthy of admiration.
Inside, I was still a little girl who rubbed flowers on her clothes and patched them up herself. Some things I would never be able to wash off.
I slowly brushed my hair, and found myself thinking about how long it had grown. When I was little, every breath of wind had puffed it up, and I dreamt of flying free like a dragonfly. I was just a child at the time, but that didn’t stop me from dreaming big.
I gathered my hair to one side and tried to braid it, but it kept snagging on my Band-Aids and got into such a messy tangle that I gave up. I left it loose and tidied it down my back.
When I went downstairs, the Otters had already arrived.
Norman was holding a bottle of wine and wearing a cheerful red sweater. He was telling them about a colony of mice he had found in some woman’s attic. I greeted George, who smiled at me from behind his large moustache.
Dalma was in the kitchen with Anna. As soon as she saw me, she froze with a thrilled expression on her face.
‘You’ve put it on…’ she murmured, looking at me as if I was the one who had given her a gift. ‘Oh Nica…You look amazing.’
She seemed almost moved when I went up to her and kissed her on the cheek.
‘It’s a special occasion,’ I replied, looking at Anna, who smiled at me, touched. ‘Thank you, Dalma…I don’t know what to say. It’s such a beautiful gift.’
She blushed happily. It was only then I noticed the figure behind her.
‘Hi, Asia.’
Asia looked as smart and sophisticated as ever. Her hair was in a ponytail and the way she moved made her look like a princess, but my greeting was met by an awkward silence. She looked away from me, towards the ground.
‘Hi,’ she murmured, not looking at me.
For the first time, she didn’t seem haughty, but almost…embarrassed.
‘I’ll put these in the car,’ she said, gesturing to several packets of dried lavender and jasmine that smelt incredible. They must have been a gift from Anna.
‘Do you need a hand?’ I asked, following her, but her reply was rather brusque.
‘No.’
I stopped, letting her continue.
Her slender legs carried her to the front door and she pulled out the car keys. But something caught her attention. Asia froze, and I knew why.
The framed photo of Alan was gleaming on the table in the hall. The glass needed replacing, there was a small crack towards the bottom. Her eyes lingered on the crack, over which was carefully placed a small, blue Band-Aid.
Blue like Alan’s eyes.
Asia slowly looked up at me. Her gaze wandered to my hands, covered in colourful Band-Aids, and then she looked me in the face. For a moment, I saw something gentle, fragile in her eyes, something that she had never conceded before.
Remorse, and pain, but also…resignation.
She turned and went outside.
I watched her disappear through the front door and headed back into the kitchen.
I was filling the gravy boat when the doorbell rang.
‘Here we are.’ Anna lifted her wrist to her forehead because of the heat from the oven. The pie looked amazing. ‘Nica, can you go and check that everything’s ready, please?’
I reached the dining room to make sure that everything was in order, but froze when I passed the door to the hall.
It hadn’t been Asia who had rung the doorbell, but Adeline.
Her soft blonde hair brightened the hall. She must have just taken her coat off, but I couldn’t see her clearly just by peering through the doorway.
‘You keep looking at me like that.’
‘Like what?’ a deep voice pressed her. Inexplicably, I tensed.
It was Rigel. He had opened the door for her, and now was looking at her, haughty and suspicious.
‘Like…as if I was always in the wrong place,’ she said with a dented smile. Her pale eyes looked at him in a uniquely knowing way. ‘You asked me to stay out of it, and that’s what I’m doing. That’s what I’ve always done…Am I wrong?’
What did she mean?
Out of what?
They exchanged a long look before Rigel glanced away. I saw something flash through Adeline’s eyes that I couldn’t put my finger on. Something too full of need, warmth and compassion, that he let slip over him, or simply didn’t notice.
But I did. And once again I got the impression that I was missing something, that I was lagging behind, that I didn’t know what they were talking about…
There was a world behind those black eyes that I couldn’t touch. A soul that Rigel had never let anyone see.
So why?
Why was she speaking as if she understood him?
As if she knew him?
Suddenly, they noticed me.
Adeline’s eyes flashed and met mine, and I exchanged glances with Rigel. He seemed to be so focused on figuring out what I had overheard that I felt even more out of place.
‘Nica.’ Adeline smiled at me hesitantly. ‘Hi…’
‘Hi,’ I said, dazed and confused. She pulled a packet out of her bag.
‘I brought some dessert,’ she said, embarrassed. ‘I wanted to bring flowers, but seeing as Anna sells them it seemed a bit dumb…’
She came closer, looking at me, then smiled sweetly. ‘You look beautiful,’ she whispered, as if the most beautiful flower was me.
I watched her go as she walked past me. As I turned back around, Rigel came towards me.
My mind went blank. I was lost for words.
He was wearing a pair of dark pants and a white shirt that fit his chest impeccably. The light-coloured fabric did not clash at all with his appearance, but made his eyes look like two magnetic, dangerous chasms. His dark hair and his sharply defined eyebrows stuck out more than usual. His seductive allure was shattering.
I stared at him, wide-eyed and pink-cheeked, taken aback.
He stopped in front of me, perfectly at ease in his ruthless beauty. I felt overwhelmed by how intensely he was looking at me. He tilted his face to one side and studied my outfit, how the dress hugged my gentle curves. For a moment, it seemed as if he was about to say something, but then, as if in some internal battle he had learnt to lose, he swallowed his words.
I wondered why he always looked at me like that. It was as if he was shouting something at me, but at the same time, praying that I wouldn’t understand it. I despaired in my attempts to understand him, but, however much I had learnt to read his silences, his glances remained an impossible mystery.
What did Adeline know?
And why had he opened up his secret world to her?
Did he not trust me?
My insecurities assailed me. I tried to pay them no attention, but they crawled over my skin. I stared into Rigel’s eyes and my heart screamed with the desire to bind him to me, to be important, to enter into his soul as he had entered mine.
What was I to him?
‘Oh, here you are!’ Norman appeared in the doorway and smiled at us. ‘We’re ready! Do you want to come through?’
* * *
—
The dinner was warm and lively.
The table was beautifully laid with the good cutlery and the serving dishes steaming in the centre, amongst the clinking sounds of the crockery and delicious aromas.
Adeline had sat on the other side of the table, deliberately leaving the seat next to Rigel free for me.
I stole glances at her, feeling a sheen over my heart. Seeing her sitting amongst the people I loved made me feel tender, conflicting emotions. I felt an immense fondness for her, but also a lot of uncertainty.
‘Would you like some gravy?’ she asked Asia, who looked at her with suspicion.
In response, Adeline smiled and kindly poured her some. Asia gave her a wary look as she also took a piece of bread for her and placed it next to her plate.
‘There’s such an incredible smell in this house!’ George announced. ‘I can almost taste the flowers!’
‘Is there maybe something we don’t know?’ Dalma said in turn.
They turned to look at Anna, who chuckled. ‘Oh, no, don’t look at me! This time I’ve got nothing to do with it.’ She looked at them one by one, then added excitedly, ‘They’re all for Nica.’
