The Tearsmith, page 13
He had just closed the door behind him.
‘I…’ I swallowed. ‘I was just…’
‘Just?’ he snarled threateningly.
‘... just looking for something.’
His glare was frighteningly cold. I clutched at the rose, not knowing what else to do with my hands.
‘Something…in my room?’
‘I was looking for a photo.’
‘And did you find it?’
I hesitated, my lip trembling.
‘No.’
‘No,’ he whispered emphatically, narrowing his eyes slightly.
His fearsome aura made me want to run as far away from him as possible.
‘You come into the wolf’s lair, Nica, and then you ask him not to tear you to pieces.’
I stiffened as he came near me.
The urge to retreat screamed at me loud and clear, but I didn’t give in.
‘Was it you?’ I burst out, brandishing the black rose. ‘Did you give me this?’
Rigel stopped. His cold and expressionless eyes fell to the flower, and he raised an eyebrow.
‘Me?’ he asked, failing to hide a hint of amusement in his voice. His lips curled into a mocking, spiteful smirk. ‘Did I…give you…a flower?’
His words stung me, and all of my supposed certainties dissolved once more into doubt.
I lowered my eyes, hesitating in that way that so amused him, and the smirk on his lips glinted like a knife.
He took a few steps towards me and tore the rose out of my hands.
My mouth fell open as he grabbed the flower and started to tear it apart. A shower of black petals fell to the ground in front of me.
‘No! No! Leave it!’ I struggled to grab it off him. It was mine, despite everything, the rose was mine! It was an innocent gift, and now that Rigel had mocked it like that, I felt more than ever the need to defend it.
I scratched helplessly at his sleeves, but he just held it higher so that it was out of my reach.
He tore off every single petal, and in a fit of desperation I stretched up onto my tiptoes.
‘Rigel, stop it!’ I clutched at his chest. ‘Stop it!’
My eyes flew open as I lost my balance.
Instinctively, I grabbed on to him. He can’t have been expecting it, because I managed to take him down with me.
I fell backwards onto the bed, the mattress breaking my fall.
I had no time to think anything at all before a weight landed on top of me, and the ceiling went blurry between my half-closed eyes. My vision was hazy, and I squeezed my eyes shut tight.
I felt something fall delicately on my hair and the hollow of my throat. They were petals. I barely registered them as a weight lifted up off my torso.
When my vision focused, my breath snagged in my throat.
Rigel’s face was right in front of mine.
His body was looming above me.
It was all so unexpected that my heart jumped to my throat. His knee was between my thighs and the fabric of his pants was grazing my skin. His short breaths were hot and damp in my mouth, and his hands, eagle’s talons, were on either side of my face.
It was only when our eyes met that I started to tremble. I noticed something in his gaze that I had never seen before, a gleam of light that made my throat go dry.
I saw myself reflected in his eyes. My lips had parted, my chest was rising and falling rhythmically and my cheeks were flushed. We were so close that it was like the heartbeat in my throat was his.
My astonishment was his.
My breath was his…
It was all his, even my soul.
I shivered violently. My mind was screaming hysterically and with a force I didn’t know I had, I pushed him away.
I scrambled off the bed and fled from the room like a startled hare.
I stumbled into the hallway and dove into my own room, shut the door and slammed my back against it, sliding to the floor.
My heart was thumping painfully against my ribcage, I was overcome by shivers. My skin was reeling from his presence, as if I could still feel him all over me.
What was he doing to me?
What had he poisoned me with?
I tried to calm my breathing, but, inside me, something raged, burning hot.
He was whispering in my ears, playing with my heartbeat and walking through my thoughts.
He was feasting on my emotions, leaving me only with shivers.
It made no sense.
It knew no limits.
And it had nothing to do with…tenderness.
10. A Book
Innocence is not something you lose.
Innocence is something you are,
In spite of any pain.
I couldn’t move. My legs were trembling, my eyes blind. The darkness was too dense. My gaze was darting from side to side, as if hoping that someone would appear. My nails scraped against metal, convulsive and feverish, but I couldn’t get free. I never could.
No one would come to save me. No one would answer my screams. My temples throbbed, my throat burned, my skin cracked under leather, and I was alone…alone…
Alone…
* * *
—
I woke with a stifled sob.
The room was spinning. My stomach was in knots. I sat up, gasping for air, trying to calm down, but cold sweat clung to my back, terror sinking into my skin.
Clammy shudders ran through me, and my heart threatened to burst out of my chest.
I curled up against the headboard and clutched my caterpillar plushie.
I was safe. That was another room, another place, another life…
But the feeling remained. It crushed me. It crumpled me up and sent me right back there, to that darkness. I went back to being a child again.
Perhaps I still was.
Perhaps I had never stopped being one. Something inside me had broken long ago, and remained small, childlike, innocent and frightened.
It had stopped growing.
And I knew…I knew I wasn’t like the others, because as I grew up, that broken part of me stayed a child.
I still looked at the world with the same eyes.
I reacted with the same naïvety.
I searched for the light in others, just like I had searched in vain for it in Her when I was little.
I was like a butterfly in chains.
And maybe…
I always would be.
* * *
—
‘Nica, are you okay?’
Billie was staring at me. Her head was tilted to one side, her bushy hair pushed back from her face with a headband.
I had been awake all night, trying to keep my nightmares at bay, and it showed on my face.
The darkness was unrelenting. A few nights, I had tried leaving the bedside lamp on, but Anna had noticed and, thinking I had just forgotten, came in to turn it off. I didn’t have the courage to tell her that I would have preferred to sleep with a nightlight on like a little girl.
‘Yeah,’ I replied, trying to sound natural. ‘How come?’
‘I dunno…You look paler than usual.’ She scrutinised my face. ‘You seem tired…Did you sleep badly?’
Anxiety tightly wound itself around me. I was used to sudden, unwarranted reactions like this. I was often overcome by excessive worries that ate away at my most fragile and childlike self. It always happened when I thought back to that.
My palms were sweaty, my heart was so tight it felt as if it was about to burst, and all I wanted was to be unseen.
‘Everything’s fine,’ I replied faintly. I wondered if I sounded convincing, but Billie seemed to genuinely believe me.
‘If you want, I can give you the recipe for a calming herbal remedy,’ she suggested. ‘My grandma used to make it for me when I was a child…I’ll message it you later!’
As soon as Anna had given me the phone, Billie had asked to exchange numbers and given me some tips on setting it up.
‘I’ll put a butterfly for you,’ she told me as she saved my number in her contacts.
‘Emojis,’ she continued cheerfully. ‘Grandma has a rolling pin. I put a panda for Miki, not that she deserves it. She saved me in her phone as a poop emoji…’
There was so much to learn. I could barely send a message without getting confused.
‘Have you quite finished your conversations?’ Mr Kryll said indignantly. ‘You’re not here to socialise. This is a classroom! Silence!’
The chatter faded away. Mr Kryll inspected the students one by one as we filed into the laboratory. He told us to put on protective goggles and threatened to suspend anyone caught misusing the equipment.
‘Why do you write your address on the front of your books?’ Billie whispered to me as I pushed my biology textbook to the corner of the desk we shared.
I looked at the label with my name, subject, year, and address written down.
‘Why? Is that weird?’ I asked, embarrassed, remembering how happy I had been to write my address down. ‘So if I lose it, they’ll know who it belongs to, right?’
‘Your name’s not enough for that?’ she chuckled, making me blush.
Maybe it will be confusing…
‘Are you all quite ready?’ barked Kryll, demanding everyone’s attention.
I adjusted my goggles and tucked my hair behind my ears.
I was on tenterhooks. I had never done a lab before!
I put on the plastic gloves and took note of how they felt against my skin.
‘I hope he doesn’t make us disembowel eels like last time,’ someone behind me murmured. I raised my eyebrows with an uncertain smile.
Disembowel?
‘All right,’ announced Kryll. ‘You may now place the materials on the table.’
I reached towards a small folder, which had a pen attached by a string.
Kryll continued, ‘And remember, the scalpel doesn’t cut through bone.’
‘The scalpel doesn’t cut…what?’ I asked innocently, before making the mistake of lowering my gaze.
My blood ran cold.
A lifeless frog lay spreadeagled on the metal cutting board.
I stared at it in horror. The blood drained from my face. Two boys in front of me were inspecting the row of knives like butchers. A short distance away, a girl pulled on her gloves with a crisp snap. Near the door, someone was hunching over their frog, but it definitely wasn’t to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I suddenly realised.
Help!
I turned around just in time to glimpse Kryll leaving what looked like a torture chamber: a cupboard full of jars, vials and containers filled with beetles, centipedes and cicadas.
My stomach dropped.
Billie lifted the scalpel with a smile.
‘Do you want to make the first incision?’ she asked as if we were talking about meatloaf.
I was sure I was going to faint.
I grabbed the edge of the table. The folder slipped from my hands.
‘Nica, what’s wrong? Are you okay?’ she asked me.
Someone in front of us turned around to see what was going on.
‘I…No,’ I swallowed, pale.
‘You’re going green…’ she observed, watching me closely. ‘You aren’t afraid of frogs, are you? Relax, look, it’s already dead! Dead–as–a–doornail! See? Look!’ She started poking it with the scalpel under my horrified eyes.
My goggles fogged up from my breathing, and for the first time in my life, I found myself praying that I’d be sent to go stand outside the classroom.
No, not this. I couldn’t take it. I really couldn’t…
‘I can’t believe it,’ a voice behind me said, ‘the guardian of the snails is afraid of a little frog…’
At the table behind mine, I recognised the guy I had met at the wall and then seen again at the mall.
He flashed a smile, his protective goggles perched on the top of his head.
‘Hey, snail girl.’
‘Hi…’ I whispered. He gave me a look as if he wanted to say something, but a moment later, Kryll barked at us to get back to work.
‘Don’t worry, Nica, I’ll deal with it,’ Billie reassured me, seeing me using the folder as a shield. ‘It’s clear this is your first lab! You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, okay? It’s a piece of cake! Let’s make a deal: I’ll do the cutting, and you write down what happens.’
I nodded reluctantly, glancing around.
I took a furtive, pitying look at the frog and regretted it instantly. Billie grinned, brandishing the scalpel.
‘All right! Now…don’t get splashed!’
I flinched as I heard a slimy squelch. I held the folder so close to my face that all I could see was a blurry white.
‘Here it is! The heart! Or is it a lung? Oh, my goodness, it’s so squishy…it’s such a weird colour! Look at this…Nica, are you taking notes?’
I nodded stiffly, scribbling feverishly.
‘Oh, my goodness…’ I heard her murmur.
I turned the page gingerly, with spidery fingers.
‘Oh, it’s so slimy…Listen to the squishy sound it makes…eww…’
Perhaps it was providence. Destiny. Salvation.
Whatever it was, it came in the form of a piece of paper.
I found it on the table next to me.
I opened it with trembling hands and saw one simple word written inside:
‘Hey.’
Someone cleared their throat behind me. I turned around. The boy had his back to me, but I saw the torn corner of a sheet of paper in his folder.
I opened my mouth uncertainly, but before I could say anything, I jumped as: ‘Dover!’ Kryll shouted. ‘What have you got there?’ My eyes widened as everyone turned to look at me.
Oh, no!
‘W-where?’ I stammered.
‘There! You’ve got something, I saw you!’ He came towards me quickly, and I glanced around frantically. Panic overwhelmed me.
What would Anna and Norman say if they found out I wasn’t paying attention in class? That I had been caught passing notes?
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even think. I saw the teacher marching furiously towards me, and desperately, impulsively, I turned around and stuffed the note into my mouth.
I chewed like a madwoman, really going at it like I had few times in my difficult life.
And as if I wasn’t ashamed enough, behind me was the very boy who had passed me the note. I glanced round and he was facing me, astonished. I swallowed it right in front of his eyes.
I had survived. In body, at least.
Kryll wasn’t best pleased to see my hands were empty.
He looked at me suspiciously, then told me to pay more attention and get back to work.
I wondered what he would have thought if he had seen me later hurrying along the sidewalk with my arms wrapped tightly around myself as if I had a stomach ache.
When I was far enough away, I snuck a furtive glance over my shoulder.
I was by the bridge, on the grassy riverbank. I knelt down and unzipped my hoodie.
A beetle was scurrying around inside the jar in my hands. I watched it through the strands of hair that fell over my face.
‘Don’t worry,’ I whispered to him, as if it was our secret. ‘I got you out of there.’
I unscrewed the lid and lowered the jar to the ground. The beetle stayed inside, too terrified to come out.
‘Go,’ I whispered, ‘before someone sees you…’
I turned the jar over and he fell out into the grass, but still didn’t move.
I watched him. He was little, different. Many others would have found him disgusting, horrifying, but I only felt sorry for him. Some people wouldn’t have noticed him at all, he was so insignificant. Others would have killed him because, in their eyes, he was too ugly to live.
‘You can’t stay here…they’ll hurt you,’ I whispered bitterly. ‘People don’t understand…they’re scared. They’ll squash you just so they don’t have to be near you.’
The world wasn’t used to freaks like us. They shut us away in institutions to forget us, to keep us far away, in the dust, forgetting we existed because that was more convenient. No one wanted us around, just seeing us made them uncomfortable.
I knew this only too well.
‘Go on…’ I scraped the ground next to him and he unfurled his wings. He took flight and disappeared from view. I sighed with relief, my heart lighter. ‘Bye bye…’
‘Oh, wow…and I thought it was just lunatics who talked to themselves…’
I tried to hide the jar. I was not alone. There were two girls looking at me with sarcastic pity. One of them was the girl who had given the red rose to Rigel. I recognised her shining hair and manicured hands.
When our gazes crossed, she smiled, still with that fake pity.
‘You’ll scare the pigeons like that.’
My stomach twisted with shame. Had they seen me freeing the bug from the lab store? I hoped not, otherwise I’d be in serious trouble.
‘I wasn’t doing anything,’ I said quickly. My voice sounded feeble and too high, and they burst out laughing.
I instantly understood that it wasn’t what I was doing that they found funny, but me.
They were laughing at me.
‘ “I wasn’t doing anything,” ’ the other girl mocked. ‘How old are you? You’re like a little kid straight out of elementary school.’ They stared at my colourful Band-Aids, and my insecurities swallowed me, just like they did when I was little.
They were right. In their presence I shrank into a little child, a stupid, weird little creature with scratched hands and dull, grey skin, like a gremlin kept indoors for too long. They had seen me when I was in my own little world, when I was at my most vulnerable.
