The Tearsmith, page 19
Exhausted, I ran to the bathroom and filled a glass of water. Then, I opened the cupboard and found the right medicine.
I heard the springs of the mattress as I sat back down on the bed and took a pill from the tub.
I lifted his head, cradling it in the crook of my elbow.
‘Rigel, you’ve got to take this…’ I said, in the vain hope that he could hear me, that just for once he would let me help him. ‘It will make you better…’
He didn’t move. His face was alarmingly pale.
‘Rigel,’ I tried again, balancing the pill on his lips. ‘Come on…’
His head was pressed to my side. His forehead came against my ribs, just under my breasts, and the pill fell from my flustered fingers.
I frantically hurried to retrieve it from the folds of the bedsheets, feeling my nerves burning under my skin.
I clumsily shoved it into his mouth. His lips fell apart limply under the pressure of my fingers, and I only just managed not to brush them with my index finger as the pill disappeared into his mouth.
I reached for the glass of water with shaking hands.
I managed to get him to take a little sip and finally he swallowed the pill.
I lowered his head onto the pillow and jumped up. My cheeks were irritatingly hot.
I dashed down into the kitchen and prepared an ice pack as Anna had told me to. Then I returned upstairs and pressed it to his burning skin.
I stood still, close to the bed, thinking hard.
Had I forgotten anything?
I tried to recollect Anna’s instructions, when suddenly I heard my phone ringing. I glanced at Rigel then ran to pick up. It was Anna’s name on the screen.
Despite the fact that the situation was more under control, I could sense her agitation even more acutely. I reported that I’d done everything she had told me, to the letter, not forgetting a thing. I told her that I’d closed the curtains and put an extra blanket on Rigel. She told me that they were about to take a coach that would get them home in the early hours of the morning.
‘We’ll be there as soon as possible,’ she promised anxiously. All her concern gave me a warm, unfamiliar tightness in my chest.
‘Nica, if you need anything at all…’
I nodded vigorously, but then remembered that Anna couldn’t see me.
‘Don’t worry, Anna…if anything happens, I’ll phone you straight away.’
She thanked me for how diligently I had taken care of him, and after giving me a last few pieces of advice and promising to see me soon, she hung up.
I turned around and went back into the bedroom, closing the door behind me to keep the warmth in.
I silently stepped towards the bed, placed my phone on the bedside table, and slowly lifted my eyes to Rigel’s face.
‘They’re coming back,’ I whispered.
His face remained as still as polished alabaster. I couldn’t move either, I was frozen beside his bed as if held hostage by the sight of his face.
I don’t know how long I stood there watching him, worried and indecisive. Finally, I perched carefully on the edge of the mattress, scared that the sound of the bedsprings would wake him.
I couldn’t imagine how furious he would be if he knew that not only had I come into his room, but I was even sitting on his bed, watching him as if I wasn’t scared of the consequences.
He would have snarled at me. Chased me away. Glared at me in that scornful way that cut me like a blade.
‘You’re the Tearsmith.’
I thought back to his accusation with a bitter, indefinable pain. Me? How could I be the Tearsmith? What did he mean?
I gazed at his sleeping face with the wariness of someone tiptoeing towards a wild, unpredictable beast.
And yet…
And yet, watching him in that moment…I felt something inexplicable. An indescribable peace.
His beautiful face was relaxed. His long lashes cast shadows on his elegant cheekbones and tranquil lips. His proud features were marked with a serenity that I had never seen in him before.
He had never let me see him like this. His lips were always twisted into a sneer, his gaze darkened with malicious intent.
I swallowed. Unfathomable feelings seized my heart. I watched his broad chest gently rise and fall, his heartbeat pulse in his throat…he had never looked so beautiful. His hollow cheeks and the shadows under his eyes, far from detracting from his harmonious beauty, lent him the charm of corrupted, faded youth. No matter how ashen, he would always be enchanting, and there was no scratch, cut or wound that could dim his light.
He was so beautiful when he was peaceful.
How could such radiance hide something so…dark and unfathomable?
How could the wolf look so graceful, when he was supposed to be frightening?
Suddenly, Rigel took a gasping breath and his mouth fell open. He limply moved his head and the cold compress fell to one side. Without thinking, I leant over him to pick it up. I held my breath and my anxious eyes urgently flicked back to his face, but he…
He was still immobile, just a breath away from me. I stared at him, on the brink of an intimacy he had never allowed me. I saw him as if he wasn’t the Tearsmith. As if he was just…Rigel.
Just a young man, sleeping, ill, with a heart and soul like many others.
An indescribable sadness came over me. I felt crushed, crestfallen, powerless. Covered in bruises he had given me without ever having touched me.
I hate you, I wanted to whisper, as anyone else would have in my place. I hate you. I can’t stand your silences, nor anything that you say to me.
I hate your smile, the way you don’t want me near you, all the ways you’ve hurt me.
I hate you for how you always ruin beautiful things, for how violently you leave, as if it was me who had deprived you of something.
I hate you…because you’ve never given me any other choice.
But I didn’t say a word.
I didn’t voice the thoughts. Let them dissolve my heart. I felt drained by a sense of resignation. I was suddenly utterly exhausted.
Because it wasn’t true.
I didn’t hate Rigel. I would never hate him.
I just wanted to understand him.
I just wanted to see that there really was something down there in the shadows of that heart just like any other.
I just wanted to convince the world that it was wrong about him.
‘Why do you always push me away?’ I whispered in anguish. ‘Why don’t you let me understand you?’
I would never hear answers to those questions. He would never give me the answers.
I felt myself slowly slipping down onto the mattress, increasingly foggy with exhaustion. Darkness enveloped me.
And in the end, all I could do…all I could give him in exchange for what he had always given me, was just a deep, slow sigh.
15. To the Bone
You can scratch love, you can renounce it,
you can wrench it from your heart,
but it will always know where to find you.
Everything was burning around him.
It was a soft, boiling prison.
Where was he? He couldn’t hear anything. He could only make out a diffused pain, it was almost as if the fever had melted the bones under his muscles.
And yet, even in that dense, unnatural sleep, she came to him like a dream.
Nica’s outline was so blurry that no one else would have been able to tell it was her. He only could because he knew every glimmering corner of her by heart.
Even feverish and disorientated, he could picture her perfectly. It seemed like she really was there, close to him, radiating warmth.
Oh, how wondrous were dreams…
There was no terror, no limits. He didn’t have to restrain himself, hide away, hold himself back. In his dreams, he could touch her, feel her, be with her without having to explain a thing. Rigel might have been able to love this unreal world, if he didn’t always wake from this fleeting happiness with such deep scars on his heart.
Nica’s absence burned him. It dug furrows in him as tenderly as she caressed him in his dreams, and he felt each and every one of these cuts when he woke up in the morning in his empty bed, without her.
But in that moment…
It almost seemed as if he could touch her. Circle her narrow waist with his hands and hold her until he felt complete.
He managed to move. Despite being delirious, he felt conscious. But was he? No, it was impossible. It was only in his dreams that he found her next to him.
But she was so real…He held her and buried his face in her hair, as he did every single night.
He wanted to burn in the smell of her. He wanted the eternally bittersweet comfort of Nica not running away from him, but cradling him in her arms and promising to never let him go.
It was as if…oh, it was as if…as if her tiny body really was breathing near him, quivering against him…
Something tickled my chin.
I moved my head, burying my face into the cool pillow.
Outside, the birds were singing and the world was waking up. I waited a few moments before opening my eyes.
Narrow beams of light blurred my vision. I blinked sleepily and reality slowly took shape around me. As my eyes were focusing, I became aware of the strange position I was lying in. It was very warm. Why couldn’t I move? And why wasn’t I in my own room?
Something black filled my eyes.
It was hair.
Hair?
My eyes flew wide open.
Rigel was pressed against me.
His chest was a burning wall of flesh and muscle. I was nestled against his broad shoulders and his arms were wrapped loosely around my waist. I couldn’t see his face, it was tucked deep in the hollow of my neck. I could feel his warm breath fluttering against my skin.
Our legs were entangled and at some point the covers must have been kicked off the bed and onto the floor. For a moment, I forgot how to breathe.
Suffocating, I noticed that one of my arms was under his neck, the other was softly draped over his head.
My head exploded. A sudden claustrophobia tightened my throat and my heart thudded against my skin.
How had we ended up like this?
When? When had I got in his bed?
And the covers? What had happened to the covers?
I felt his hand trapped between the mattress and my body, holding me tenderly and firmly at the same time.
Rigel…Rigel was embracing me.
I felt his breath on me.
He, who had never let me touch him, had his face in my neck and was holding me so tightly that I couldn’t make out where I started and he ended.
I was astounded.
I tried to squirm free, but then my nostrils flooded with the intense scent of his hair.
His fragrance hit me like a forceful, vibrant shadow. I didn’t know how to describe it. It was…powerful, insidious, and wild, just like him. I remembered the rain and the thunder, the wet grass, the full clouds and the crackling storm.
Rigel smelt like a storm. What does a storm smell like?
I moved my face to the side, trying in vain to get away from those sensations.
I liked it. I liked how he smelt…I found it irresistible, almost familiar. I had the horrible feeling that it was mine. That it was me who had got soaked in the rain, me who had smelt freedom in the wind, me who had embraced the sky so many times. It was exhilarating, maddening.
It couldn’t be real.
It was lunacy.
I closed my eyes, trying not to tremble in the arms I had always fled from…I tried to move away, and strands of his hair flopped over my Band-Aids.
I froze.
Rigel was still fast asleep. My heart was in my throat as I moved my fingers to brush the hair at the base of his neck.
It was…it was…
I touched it gently, carefully. And when he didn’t move…I slowly moved my hand through his hair. It was so soft and silky.
I studied him, my heart aflutter. Every breath, every touch was new, lethal, destabilising. The moment imprinted itself in my memory forever.
As I caressed him as gently as I could, I thought I heard him let out a quiet sigh. His breath was like a warm, invisible wave on my skin. It soothed me.
Slowly, reality melted away. All that was left was Rigel’s heart beating steadily, gently, lullingly.
What did that heart hold?
Why did he keep it caged away like a ferocious beast, if it beat so sweetly?
I desperately wished I could touch it, as I was touching his skin. His heartbeat resounded in my stomach with a disarming softness. Defeated, I rested my cheek on his head.
I gave in…I didn’t have it in me to fight something so tender.
I half-closed my eyes and, with an exhausted sigh, I surrendered myself to the arms of the only boy I should have stayed far away from. I let myself be cradled by his heart. And for a moment…for a moment, lying there close to him, far away from the world, from what we’d always been…just for a moment, heart to heart, I wondered why we couldn’t stay like this forever…
* * *
—
I woke again to the sound of a vibrating phone. I opened my eyes in a daze and the room wobbled into view.
I turned over in Rigel’s arms and stretched my arm out.
I couldn’t reach the phone.
‘Rigel,’ I whispered quietly, unsure what to say. ‘The phone…it might be Anna…’
He didn’t hear me. He was still fast asleep, his face burrowed in my neck.
I put a hand on his shoulder and tried to loosen his grip on me, but it was no use.
‘Rigel…I’ve got to pick up!’
The ringing suddenly stopped.
With a little sigh, I leant back down on the pillow.
It was Anna, I could tell. Maybe she wanted to let me know they were nearly there. Heavens, she must be so worried…
I turned over again. Rigel’s breath warmly caressed my skin and I placed my hand on the top of his head.
Clearly but gently, I said, ‘Rigel, I’ve got to get up now.’
Some part of me was scared to wake him. Scared of his reaction. Scared that he’d push me away again.
‘Rigel,’ I murmured reluctantly. ‘Rigel, please let me go…’ I whispered gently in his ear, hoping that my soft voice would somehow reach him.
Something happened.
My voice seemed to melt into his dreams. He exhaled against my throat and gave a low moan before pulling me closer. His seductive smell enveloped me.
‘Rigel,’ I repeated weakly. His muscular body wrinkled the bedsheets. He gripped me tighter, his body feeling hotter and hotter.
I was sure I could feel him rubbing his nose against my skin.
My stomach contracted and my cheeks burned. I thought he must be dreaming, because he was making slow movements that drew me even closer to him.
Maybe I had to move even slower, even more tenderly…
I brought my lips even closer to him. My fingers sweetly pushed his hair away from his ear and I whispered softly, ‘Rigel…’
It just made things worse. He opened his mouth, and his breathing became heavier, longer, slower, almost intimate, as if it was costing him to breathe.
And then, suddenly, his angular jaw tilted towards me.
And his lips landed on my neck.
My heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t breathe. Shivers of surprise ran down my entire body and my fingers pressed into his shoulders.
Frozen, I felt his arms tighten around me. Rigel’s lips moved on my neck, kissing me so tenderly that I wriggled and recoiled.
I was so shocked and tense that I didn’t even protest. Crazy sensations were consuming me from the inside and I felt thousands of little infernos blazing over my skin.
I turned and urgently pushed at his chest.
‘Rigel.’ His name stuck in my throat. His mouth opened and his teeth sleepily grazed my skin. I realised then that he wasn’t asleep, but was in a semi-conscious state because of his fever. Delirious. He must have been delirious.
A moan escaped from me as he gave me a gentle bite. I clenched my jaw and prayed he’d let up. His tongue, his mouth, his bites – all of it – it was mad, a storm of shivers so powerful I couldn’t bear it. It was too much for me.
The situation took a turn for the worse when I heard a door slam and movement in the house.
I was overcome with panic. Anna and Norman.
‘Nica!’ Anna called. I plunged my fingers into Rigel’s shoulders.
Oh God, no, no, no…
‘Rigel, you’ve got to let me go.’ My heart leapt like an agitated insect. ‘Now!’
His mouth overwhelmed me. I was stiff and burning, it felt like I was delirious. When his knee slipped between my legs, all my muscles contracted and my heart skipped a beat. I instinctively tightened my thighs and a raspy breath shook his chest.
‘Nica!’ Anna called again, and I gasped sharply. I threw an anxious look at the door. She was close, she was there, she was…she was…
In a fit of panic, I grabbed a fistful of Rigel’s hair and pushed him away.
He gave a low moan as he fell back onto the mattress and I slipped out of the bed.
I flung the door open and there was Anna, her hand outstretched ready to grip the handle.
She stared at my reddened, panicked face in surprise.
‘Nica?’
‘He’s doing a lot better now,’ I stammered madly, while Rigel slept under the pillow I had thrown right at his head.
I swept past her, pressing a hand to my neck.
I fled from the room on trembling legs, dazed and confused, my heart trapped back there with him, where Rigel’s mouth still burned in a way I would never be able to forget.
