Searching for Forever, page 16
“I thought we weren’t going to label anything.” She was
mocking me. “Why do you care so much?”
“Because. I do,” I said, childishly.
“That’s not good enough. Try again.”
“Because! Because I want to be the only one you want.”
Charlie scoffed and rolled her eyes. “That’s selfish as hell.
You want to be the only woman in my life, but I’m supposed
to be okay with this sort of casual, fly-by-night fling we have
going? I mean, Christ, Natalie, I don’t have a damned clue
what I mean to you. You know that?”
“You really don’t know?”
“No! I have no idea. One minute I think you’re crazy in
love with me, and the next…the next I think you’d be just fine
if I walked out of your life right now.”
I took her chin in my hand, forcing her to look at me. “I’m
not great with my words, or my feelings. Not like you are,
okay? Medicine has been my life for, well, pretty much
always. But you’ve completely changed everything. I don’t
even know which way is up anymore. You mean the world to
me.”
She was silent for a long time. “Listen,” she said, looking
over my shoulder. “I have to be honest. Michelle being here
was no accident.”
“I didn’t think she just showed up on your doorstep.”
“No. That’s not what I mean. I mean, I had her here when I
did because I wanted you to catch us.”
“But why?” I said, dropping my hand and backing away.
“I thought that maybe, if you saw us, you’d get jealous.
And you’d realize what you have with me.”
“That’s pretty immature and shady, Charlie.”
“I know.” Her face fell.
“But,” I leaned forward and gently nibbled on her ear, “it
kind of worked.”
“It did?”
“Like a charm.” I kissed her neck and chin, trailing my
hands up her thighs. “Seeing her here like that,” I whispered
coyly, “just about made me crazy.”
And before I could say anything else, Charlie had me
pinned on her sofa, holding me down and kissing me softly
until I forgot everything around me.
*
The house of cards that had become my life was teetering
more and more by the moment. I spent my evenings in
Charlie’s small apartment, laughing, thumbing through science
textbooks, kissing her, touching her…Living and breathing
her. A sort of freedom accompanied my time with her, an
almost adolescent, haphazard rush. But when the clouds of
sexual tension and soul-crushing want settled, I was left with
the reality of it all.
This wasn’t practical. This wasn’t appropriate, or even fair.
Not to my family, not to Charlie. Not to anyone. I’d remind
myself constantly that what I felt with Charlie was no more
than a chemical reaction—a release of dopamine and serotonin
that left me feeling like I could do anything. That chemical
dumping, which we call “love,” is really no different than any
other chemical dependence. I wasn’t weak enough to allow
myself to fall victim to narcotics, or even alcoholism. So why
couldn’t I seem to get enough of the high Charlie left me with?
*
“You’re home late,” Peter mumbled as I crawled into bed. I
was hoping he would stay asleep. I was hoping I wouldn’t
have to explain.
“We had a lot to go over. The test is next week.” I’d been
lying to so many people, for so long, I’d almost begun to
believe the things coming out of mouth. The truth, I had to
remind myself, was that Charlie and I had finished studying
days ago. She was more than ready, but I wasn’t quite ready to
let her go yet. Instead, we cooked dinners together. Well, I
cooked.
Charlie did the dishes to her favorite Joni Mitchell album
as I teased her endlessly for being a fan of such outdated folk
music. I’d come up behind her, wrapping my arms around her
waist, dressed in nothing but one of her oversized plaid shirts,
and she would only last another thirty seconds before turning
around and kissing me all the way to the bedroom. “A Case of
You” would play over her computer speakers, and a few
melted candles burned fresh air and spring around us until we,
too, melted into each other.
“You’ve been spending a lot of time there.” I waited for
Peter to unleash the jealous fury I often saw when I found
myself connecting with someone else. It was his only real
downfall. More than once he’d threatened to confront a man
who’d approach me on the street for directions, or even his
own brother for being too friendly with me. But he never did.
When it came down to it, Peter was gentle, and kind. And, as
always, his short fuse quickly burnt out, and he softened. “I
miss having you around. Sammy misses you.”
“Soon. It’ll be over soon.” I lied again.
*
I didn’t know if Charlie was still sleeping with Michelle.
And most of me, the self-preserving part, didn’t want to know.
Their tryst seemed fairly finished after the shower incident.
But it was hard to miss the way Michelle swept past her,
brushing her with her breasts and making sure to put her hands
on her whenever plausible. It was hard to miss the way
Charlie’s face burned a hot red when she did.
It was also hard to miss the fact that Charlie was still free.
And even if she wanted to belong to me, I couldn’t be hers.
*
“You want to come out with us tonight, Natalie?” Callie,
the young redhead who’d been with us at Panzinelli’s the night
Jen caught us in the bathroom there, asked innocently as a
group of us wrapped up our day shift in the ED that Saturday.
“I…” But all excuses failed me. “Who’s going?”
“Oh, pretty much everyone. Katie, Jen, Meg, Richie,
Charlie…” My heart lurched. Of course she’d be going. It was
Saturday. Shooters night.
“What about me?” Charlie sauntered up behind me.
“I was just inviting Natalie to the bar with us.”
“I’m sure Natalie has better things to do than going out
drinking with—”
“I’d love to go.” Whose voice was that? What was I doing?
This was so many different levels of dangerous.
And then, Michelle approached. “Go where?” she asked
coyly.
“Natalie’s coming out with us tonight. Isn’t that
awesome?” Callie sounded like a bird chirping.
I watched with gritted teeth as Michelle slid a not-so-subtle
hand up Charlie’s back. “Awesome.”
I nearly turned around on four different occasions on the
drive to Shooters. All I’d have to do was make a U-turn, and it
would just be me, my bathrobe, and The Journal for the night.
But then I’d remember Michelle, her smug smile and pouty
lips, her big saucer eyes caked in blue eye shadow, her hands
wandering over Charlie’s body…And I’d keep driving.
“What kind of pinot do you have?” I asked the round,
bearded man behind the bar.
“One kind.”
“I’ll take it.”
He slid the glass of cheap wine toward me, and I took
several long, drawn-out gulps.
“Hey, you made it.” Charlie nudged me, sneaking up
behind me with Michelle and Callie in tow.
“You didn’t think I’d wuss out, did you?” We shared a
quiet smile just between the two of us.
“Come on, Charlie. Let’s go get a table.” Michelle grabbed
her hand, possessively yanking her away toward the seating
area. Charlie glanced back over her shoulder at me with
something that looked a little like a cry for help. Or maybe it
was just wishful thinking on my end.
“They’re cute together.” Callie.
I’d almost completely forgotten she was there. I smiled
gregariously at her, trying hard to hide my disdain.
“Adorable.”
Callie and I walked to the table that Charlie and Michelle
were patronizing, and the others made their way over to join
us.
I’d never been in Shooters, but somehow, it was every bit
the dive I’d imagined. Northwood didn’t have much in the
way of hangouts, especially for the college-aged crowd. The
walls were an off-white, taking on shades of cigars that had
been smoked there for decades. The carpet was a candy red
that looked like something you’d find in a bad Chinese take-
out restaurant. And young frat boys with scrappy beards
spilled their Budweisers on stained pool tables.
I was right on the cusp of looking ridiculously out of place.
But my tight jeans and black jacket held me back a half a
decade or so, offering a disguise for the discomfort I was
feeling. I was sitting on a stool next to Callie and Meg,
fiddling with a cocktail napkin in front of me as they endlessly
discussed the latest hospital gossip. If they only knew…
“Natalie, come play,” Charlie called from the nearby pool
table. She leaned against it, her ankles hitched together, the
cue resting effortlessly in her hand. She wore a slightly
wrinkled flannel shirt that hung loosely on her perfect body,
open at the neck just enough to show off the medallion dipping
across her chest. Black jeans hugged her straight hips in ways
that made me shift uncontrollably in my seat. She really had
no idea what she did to me.
“I’m pretty bad,” I answered coolly.
“Join the club.”
“Maybe in a little bit. I’m going to get another drink.”
“Good idea. I’ll come with. Here, Michelle, can you hold
this?” Without waiting for a response, Charlie thrust her pool
cue into Michelle’s free hand, never taking her eyes off me.
“Charlie!”
“Go ahead, take my shot for me,” she called to her with a
smile, and trotted after me like a puppy. As I turned my back
to the group, I couldn’t help but smile to myself.
“What are you drinking?” she asked with a grin, placing a
warm hand on my lower back.
“Pinot. But let’s make it a vodka and tonic this time.”
“Harry.” Charlie hailed the scrappy bartender. “A beer for
me, and a vodka soda for the lady.” The two quickly
performed what looked to be some kind of secret handshake,
but her free hand never left my back.
“Coming right up, Charlie.”
“The lady? What is this, 1955?” I teased her as I turned to
face her.
“Oh, you mean the year you were born?”
“You’re cute.” I gently brushed the hair away from her
eyes as she leaned in toward me.
“Prove it.”
With a sweep of the room, I looped my arm through hers
and led her back out the door and outside. I hardly made it
around the corner before shoving my hands in her back
pockets and pushing her against the brick wall. I kissed her
fiercely, touching her anyplace I could reach. “I hate when she
flirts with you like that,” I blurted out after finally coming up
for air.
“Good.” She kissed me again.
“You love this.” I scoffed, pulling away from her grip.
“Well, I don’t see you complaining either.”
“No. Not this. This! You love it when she flirts with you.
Because you love to see me squirm.”
“Why, I never.” She chuckled and took me in her arms.
“Don’t even try to play dumb with me, Charlie Thompson.
You love it when I’m jealous. You bastard.” I pushed her
gently.
“So do something about it.”
The air was damp and cold in the wake of a recent rain
shower, and I shivered slightly under the dim streetlights
coming from Shooters’ parking lot. “What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
“You know I can’t—”
“Then you aren’t allowed to get jealous anymore. Come
on. Let’s go back inside.”
She was right. I was already calling all the shots. My
selfishness suddenly appalled me. I had no claim on Charlie. I
only wished I could convince my heart of that too.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
It had been a particularly brutal night shift, and by noon, I
was still sleeping so deeply I almost missed the loud rapping at
the front door. Our nanny had taken Sammy to the pond
nearby to feed the ducks, and I was left by myself for a few
well-needed moments of rest.
“Hold on,” I shouted, throwing on a robe as I ran down the
stairs.
“I want a decision.” Charlie stood in the doorway, hands
placed firmly in her pockets, a black wool cap covering her
short hair.
“Excuse me?” I stuttered, reluctantly opening the door and
motioning her inside.
“I want a decision. It’s me or Peter.”
“Charlie. You can’t just show up here and demand that I
leave my family.”
“Not your family,” she said, taking one of my hands in
hers. “Just him. I want you to choose me, be with me. Don’t
make yourself miserable anymore. I can see it all over your
face. You’re killing yourself in this house. And for what?
Sammy’s sake? Don’t you think she’s going to figure it out?
Don’t you think it’s worse for her to grow up with a mother
who doesn’t love her father?”
“Don’t talk to me about my daughter!”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. Sammy’s not my business.”
Charlie took a few wounded steps away from me as I sat down
at the kitchen table, suddenly overwhelmed with exhaustion.
“Sammy is not my business,” she said. “But you are, Natalie.
Because I love you. And I know, as hard as it is for you to
cope with, you love me too. For a year now, you’ve had it both
ways. You’ve had Peter to come home to at night—the
convenience of a husband and a comfortable life with your
family. And you’ve had me. You’ve had all the passion and
excitement and love and lust and whatever else you wanted
with me. But I can be that other piece too. I can be the one you
come home to. You can have it all.”
My stomach turned with anger and fear. “What are you
saying?”
“I’m saying this is finished. I won’t be your escape from
your problems anymore. I won’t be here for you whenever it’s
convenient. I want you, and I want all of you. And I’m done
settling for less than that.”
“Is this some kind of ultimatum?”
“Yeah,” she said firmly, taking a step toward me. “Yeah. I
guess it is.”
I was silent for a long time, searching futilely for the words
to keep my perfectly balanced house of cards from tumbling to
the ground. I was seconds away from losing Charlie—unless I
was willing to lose Peter. “So you want me to choose, do
you?”
“Yes. I want you to choose.”
“What do you think I’m going to say? That I’ll divorce
Peter and run off with you? That’s not how this is going to go,
and you know it. You’ve always known that. There was never
going to be a happily-ever-after for us. It was fun. And yes, I
love you. What I felt was real, I don’t doubt that. But if it
comes down to my family…my life…then I choose them.
Every time.”
Charlie said nothing but stared at me hard, walked slowly
to me, and kissed me gently on the top of my head in a way
that reminded me, distantly, of my mother.
“Good-bye, Natalie.”
I stood in front of her, my feet frozen in place. This
couldn’t be our ending. This couldn’t be the fate I’d written for
us. I wanted to run after her. I wanted to tell her I loved her
with everything I had. I wanted to tell her my fears and my
pain and all the ways she’d changed me. But I didn’t. I just
stood there, watching her go.
*
“What’s the matter with you, kiddo?” Tim asked.
“What are you talking about?” I sat listlessly at my desk,
staring blankly at the same head CT I’d been looking at for
hours.
“I’m quite sure that room 3’s head CT can’t be that
interesting. It’s negative, by the way.”
“Yeah, Tim, thanks. This isn’t my first day on the job.”
“Then stop acting like it. You’ve been walking around here
with your head in the clouds for a week now. Your charting
sucks. You’re missing things, Natalie. Big things.”
My heart sank like an anchor in my chest, and my cheeks
burned. “You’re checking up on my charts? I’m not a resident
anymore.”
