Searching for Forever, page 14
called looking for a room.
“Okay, so this isn’t going to happen,” I said with a long
sigh.
“It’s okay. Really. Another time.”
“Too late. I already told Peter I was working for the night.
Don’t make me tell the truth now.”
“So what are we going to do? I don’t think my dingy
apartment is really your scene.”
I pondered for a minute, wanting to do anything but return
home to my stale, painful life. “Let’s stay here.”
“Here? What do you mean here?”
“I mean let’s stay on the beach. Where’s your sense of
adventure?”
“My sense of adventure? This is crazy!” She laughed to
herself.
“Please?” I feigned a pout, grabbing handfuls of her T-shirt
and gently rubbing against the front of her jeans.
She smiled her playful smile that sucked the blood out of
my head and left me woozy and confused. “You’re dangerous,
Dr. Jenner.”
After a quick run to the closest convenience store for
another six-pack, we sat in the sand, knocking back bottles of
beer until the black ocean ahead of me bent and turned in a
way that was warm and comfortable and anesthetizing.
“You’re going to do it, you know,” I said.
“Do what?”
“Get into med school. Become a doctor.”
She collapsed onto her back next to me and folded her
hands behind her head.
“Yeah?”
“Absolutely. I can’t wait to see the amazing things you’re
going to do with your life.”
“But there’s one thing that still bothers me,” she said,
propping herself on her side to face me.
“What’s that?”
“If I go to med school I’ll have to move.”
It hadn’t occurred to me that Charlie might leave. And in
all of my encouraging and pushing her to be great, I suddenly
and selfishly wanted to do everything I could to keep her with
me. “One day at a time.”
She didn’t respond but instead continued to squint at the
bright, clear stars above her. Every muscle in my body
tightened and twisted as I lay down next to her and bent over
her, kissing her timidly at first and then with a growing
intensity that caused her breath to come in heavy gasps. I
knew what I wanted. And for the first time, there we were. No
rooftop coffee breaks, no unsuspecting husbands, no death or
disease or destruction. No interruptions, except the lapping
waves and the half moonlight. No excuses, Charlie.
Her soft hands ran under her jacket that I wore, deftly
tracing patterns on my skin. I kissed her neck, and her ears,
letting my lips explore every part of her I could get to.
“Nat.” She moaned quietly, putting a hand to my mouth.
“No. You aren’t stopping me this time. It’s perfect. We’re
alone. And who knows how many other times we’re ever
going to get to be. We have the whole night and—”
“Shh,” she said sweetly. “I was just going to say, take the
jacket off.” I laughed a little and quickly removed the leather
jacket and threw it on the ground next to us. “Now lie back.”
I wasn’t used to taking orders from anyone, but I slowly
and submissively lay down in front of her. Somehow, I didn’t
mind at all.
Charlie stared at me for so long I began to wonder if I’d
done something wrong. “What is it?” I reached up to run a
hand through her hair.
“You’re beautiful.”
I grabbed the collar of her shirt and pulled her down to kiss
me, until her weight covered me. One by one, Charlie undid
the buttons on my shirt, never taking her burning gaze away
from mine. When she reached the bottom, she carefully
opened it, like some kind of anticipated gift, kissing my chest
and my stomach until my heart revved in every inch of my
body. Every place her fingers and lips touched burned.
“You have no idea how badly I want you right now.” I
groaned, running my hands up her sides and through her hair,
finally pulling her T-shirt over her head. My own head swam
as her hand moved down my stomach and expertly unhooked
the button of my jeans.
“Are you sure?” Charlie asked, kissing my jaw.
“Yes. Dear God, yes. I’m sure.”
As she slid my pants down over my knees, I thought about
nothing but the feeling of her hands on my thighs—of her skin
on my skin, her lips on my lips. The sea wind rushed by, but I
was covered in a fine layer of warm sweat. I could picture the
epinephrine dumping into my bloodstream, my vessels
constricting, my heart pounding from top to bottom, rushing
blood to my head. My stomach bowed in a painfully congenial
way I’d never felt before. And my breath was hot against
Charlie’s. Until this moment, I was sure I’d known highs and
adrenaline and extremes. But this—this was something else
entirely.
The first simple brush of her fingers against me sent a
million volts of electricity that caused my legs to convulse and
my hands to grab recklessly at her back. The sky around me
disappeared as I shut my eyes tight and disappeared under her
touch. Her fingers caressed me with expert circles until
breathing felt like a chore, and a deep, throaty moan escaped
me. “Oh, my God, Charlie…”
She answered by lowering her mouth to my breast and
running her tongue along my nipple, taking it into her mouth
and gently nipping it with her teeth. Wave after wave of need
spread down my body, following the path of her touch. Her
fingers moved faster, keeping pace with my breath until I took
her in with the air. A fire that had been steadily burning
continued to build until it flashed inside of me and ignited my
every cell. “Charlie…” I breathed, still gripping her head
against my chest. “I love you. I love you so much.”
She collapsed against me, where I held her.
We fell asleep to the sound of the ocean whispering to us.
Every so often, a car would pass by and its headlights would
brighten the dark sky, and I would catch a glimpse of Charlie,
sleeping beside me. She was perfect. Peaceful, and stunning,
and so able to take on the world. And she was mine. At least
for the rest of the night, she was mine.
I couldn’t remember the last time Peter and I had really
held each other. For years we fell asleep, side by side, in the
same bed. But it was nothing like this. Lying next to Charlie
was the reason people didn’t sleep alone. Nothing else existed
outside us, outside of this moment, that could possibly have
mattered more.
I placed my hand over hers and stroked her fingers as she
gripped it hard. We slept that way, quietly and soundly. And
when I finally woke up to the sun peeking up over the water,
my hand was still there. At thirty-nine, I’d never imagined
something as small, as simple, as holding someone’s hand
could lead to so much contentment. It was comforting, and
intimate, and felt better than anything in the world.
“Hey,” Charlie said with a smile as I lifted my heavy head
up to look at her.
“Good morning.” I kissed her quickly.
“Are you okay?”
“Of course I am.” I laughed at her and stroked her arm.
“Can’t hold my liquor like I used to though. I feel terrible.”
“Let’s get you home. It’s almost seven.” Charlie stood
slowly and took my hand. We walked wordlessly to her Honda
and took the short trek back to the hospital.
“I never thought I’d get to fall asleep next to you,” she
said, climbing off the bike after me.
“Me either. I wish we could do it more often.”
“So do I. Look, Nat, are you, you know, okay, with last
night, I mean?”
I took both of her hands in mine and held them to my
chest. “Of course I am. It was one of the best nights of my life
—second only to when Sammy was born.”
“You aren’t freaking out?”
“No.” I laughed. “I’m not freaking out.”
I kissed her good-bye, thanked her, and climbed into my
Jeep, feeling empty and alone.
CHAPTER TWELVE
I slept the afternoon away by myself, tossing restlessly and
dreaming about the night before. When I woke up, I was
tormented with a sort of sick concoction of the sheer elation of
just how close I’d gotten to Charlie hours before and the
unsettling emptiness I felt without her. I’d never missed
someone so acutely, so painfully, after such a pathetically short
period of time. It was terrifying.
Somehow, Charlie had not only worked her way into my
bed, but also into my thoughts, where she’d laid roots and
refused to leave. The intensity of whatever had flourished
between the two of us was so unnerving, I trembled whenever
I allowed myself to think about it. Never in my years had I
even come close to the inexplicable connection I’d found with
her.
*
I spent the next two days in my study, surfing online
articles on pharmaceuticals, diagnoses, rare skin disorders—
anything that didn’t involve Charlie. Of course, everything
involved Charlie.
I couldn’t read about a two-year-old with a rash without
remembering how great she was with Sammy. Or about a
stellar diagnosis of some unusual African fever without
thinking about the way her face lit up when she’d spot a heart
attack from the waiting room. She had consumed even
medicine.
Charlie had invaded every corner of my life, like a virulent
strain of some disease that brought me to my knees like a
weak teenage girl. This wasn’t me. And if I continued to let
this woman expose me so effortlessly, I would certainly fall
apart.
*
“You’re avoiding me again,” Charlie said, nonchalantly
strolling up beside me as I walked to the on-call room later
that week.
“I’m not.”
“Yes. You are. You ignored my five text messages
yesterday. You’re avoiding me.”
“I was busy. I didn’t have my phone on me.”
“All day? Bullshit.” But she was more factual than angry.
“Okay. Let’s talk.” I pulled her into the room behind me,
shut the door, and sat on the bed.
“Now?” Charlie said with a smile, and moved forward to
kiss me.
“No. I really mean talk.”
Her face contorted painfully. “Okay. Talk.”
I sucked in the biggest breath I could manage, my heart
beating wildly through my scrubs. I had no idea what I was
about to do—just that it would undoubtedly change
everything. “What are we doing here, Charlie?”
“What do you mean, what are we doing?”
“You and I, this crazy whirlwind thing we have. It has to
stop.” My efforts felt no different than telling a patient’s
family their loved one had died—practiced and, somehow,
artificial.
“What are you trying to say?”
“I can’t keep leading you on like this. It’s not fair to you.
You should be with someone who can give you what you
want.”
“You’re what I want.” She took a tentative step toward me
and ran her fingers through my hair with a sort of desperation
that broke my already shattering heart.
“Who are we kidding here? I’m married. I’m a mother. For
Christ sake, I’m thirty-nine years old. You’re just a kid.”
She collapsed onto the bed next to me, withdrawing into
the wall behind us.
“Come on.” I put a patronizing arm around her, all the
while silently scolding myself for all the things I’d done, and
the things I continued to do, unable to be sure which evil was
worse. “This was never going to go anywhere. It was fun
while it lasted, but for your own good, it has to stop. Before
you get in too deep.”
She stood up quickly, towering over me. “Before I get in
too deep? Too late for that. I’m in love with you. It doesn’t get
too much deeper than that! And what about you, huh? This has
just been some kind of mid-life crisis to you? Your version of
a red convertible and a hairpiece?”
“Okay, I deserve that.”
“You know what? You’re right. I can do better than this.”
My heart screamed a little louder until it thundered in my
head. “Yes. You can. I mean really, what did we expect? That
I’d just leave my husband, and you and I could run off
together?” I forced a laugh.
“Actually, I don’t know what I thought. I just thought that
you felt the way I did.”
“I do!” I whimpered. “I mean, I think I do. Sometimes, I’m
not absolutely sure how I feel. And I don’t want to take this
any further when I don’t know.”
“After all this—after everything we’ve been through,
you’re still not sure.” She got up and moved slowly toward the
door.
“I’m sorry, Charlie. I’m so sorry—”
“Forget it,” she said, turning the handle. “You’re right.
Consider this my resignation. I’m done trying to win you over.
I’m done trying to make you fall in love with me. I’m just
done.” She opened the door and stepped out.
“Charlie,” I called after her. “Friends?”
She hung her head and walked away.
*
I passed a Barnes & Noble on my way home that night,
and something propelled me to stop. Without realizing it, I
found myself at the register, a stack full of MCAT prep books
and microbiology CliffsNotes in hand.
I’d never been to Charlie’s tiny, one-bedroom apartment
near the ocean. But she’d pointed it out to me the night we
spent on the beach. Charlie was gracious, and kind, and I had
little doubt at this point that her feelings for me went beyond
some kind of juvenile crush. But I’d crossed a line that day. I’d
been so busy trying to uphold the walls around my heart,
around my safe little life, that I’d failed to realize she’d also let
me in. She’d made herself vulnerable to me. Even through her
tough facade, Charlie was not impenetrable to love. She’d
loved me. She’d trusted me. And I’d walked away.
“Natalie?” Charlie opened the screen door and stepped out
onto the rickety porch.
She was wearing glasses and a worn white T-shirt that did
little to hide the outline of her breasts, her hair sticking up just
a little from the cowlick in the back that always made her look
like she’d just woken up. My heart rattled in my chest like a
stone, and my stomach clenched. I’d never wanted anyone so
much. No. I’d never needed like that before.
“I didn’t know you wore glasses,” I mumbled, daftly. It
was the first and only thing to enter into my bewildered head.
“Um, yeah. You know, contacts…What are you doing
here?”
“Can I come in? It’s cold out. And you aren’t wearing
much.” Heat flushed my face as I remembered just how close
I’d been to her only days before.
“Oh. Yeah, sure. Come on in.”
I followed her, taking in my surroundings. She had very
little on the walls, save for her paramedic certificate and a
poster of Bullet. “You seriously need a woman around to help
you redecorate this place, you know,” I teased her, dusting off
a statue of a vintage motorcycle with my index finger.
“I don’t get many visitors. Or at least not ones who pay
much attention to the décor.” She smirked subtly, as a vicious
stitch of jealousy penetrated my gut.
“Right. So anyway, I was on my way home, and I thought
maybe we could start studying. I stopped by the store and
picked these up for you.” I opened my bag and started to
unpack the stack of at least a half dozen books onto her
cluttered kitchen table.
“Hold it.” Her hand came down firmly around my wrist.
“Are we just going to pretend like nothing happened now?
From coworkers, to lovers, back to coworkers, or what? Are
you my tutor now?”
I eased my hand into hers as she relaxed her hold on me.
“Your tutor? I think we could work with that…” I softly
caressed her palm with my thumb.
“You’re unbelievable.” She huffed, pulling sternly away
from me and crossing to the other side of the kitchen.
“You’re right.” I hung my head. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to
confuse things any more than I already have. But just know
