Searching for Forever, page 15
this isn’t so black and white for me. We ended it because we
had to.”
“We ended because you had to. Because you were
chickenshit.”
“Maybe so. I’ll try to be your friend. If you can try to be
mine…”
She was silent for a moment, running her hand through her
hair in the way that made my legs unsteady. “For now, you can
be my tutor. We can work on the rest.”
That would have to be a start. A start to what, I wasn’t
quite sure. A start to a friendship? A start to something simple
and platonic? Somehow, I doubted that was even possible. But
if playing Charlie’s tutor meant being in her cramped little
apartment, hearing her voice, watching her move through the
kitchen as she attempted to hide dirty plates and laundry,
knowing she was near, then I’d take it, gladly. “Deal. Let’s get
started.”
“Now? You want to study now?” She stuttered a little and
sat on the kitchen counter.
“Unless you’re busy.”
“Not really. I was just watching the same episode of Law
and Order I’ve seen four times already. Want a beer?”
“That’d be great,” I said with a smile, and sat down at the
table.
Charlie grabbed two bottles of imported beer out of the
fridge and popped them open. “So where do we start?” She sat
down on the table, facing me, and opened a book.
“Let’s start at the beginning. Biology and calculus are the
only courses that have expired, right?”
“Yeah, and I don’t have to take calculus. Actually, I
registered for the late-fall session at the community college,
this afternoon.”
“You did? Charlie, that’s great.” I reached up and put my
hands on her thighs, but she quickly pulled away. “Sorry.”
“Friends, right?”
“Right. Friends.”
“So, let’s review this biology business. It’s been a long
time, but maybe it’ll come back to me.” She thumbed through
the book with determination and a disinterest in me that drove
me crazy.
“Okay. Let’s start small. What’s the driving force of a
cell?”
“The mitochondria.”
“And the transport system?”
“The golgi.”
“Well, you already remember more than I do.” I laughed.
The next time I looked at the clock on Charlie’s
microwave, it was ten thirty p.m., and my cell phone was
ringing loudly from my bag. “Damn, it’s Peter. I completely
lost track of time.” She nodded subtly, never taking her eyes
out of the book she was reading. “Hi, hon. I’m sorry it’s so
late. I was helping Charlie study for the MCAT. Yeah, she’s
decided to take it again. I know it’s ten thirty. How’s Sammy?
Good. I’ll be home soon, okay? I love you too.”
“So? Is he pissed?” she asked.
“No. You know Peter. He’s pretty oblivious.”
“We’re just studying. Tutor. Remember? There’s nothing to
be oblivious to.” And for a moment, I almost sensed a tinge of
bitterness in her guarded voice.
“I should get going.” I picked up my bag and tossed it
casually over my shoulder.
“Thanks for the books. And for all the help.”
“Don’t mention it. We’ll do it again soon, okay?”
She nodded and led me to the front door. “Good night,
Natalie. Drive safe.”
“Good night.” I hugged her tight, reluctant to ever leave
her again.
Charlie was the first to pull away slightly, as I moved my
mouth slowly but confidently to her face. As she held me
tentatively, I kissed her cheek, moving closer to her lips,
touching them softly.
“Hey,” she whispered coldly, pulling herself from my
reach. “Friends. Right?”
“Right. Friends.”
*
I lay awake all night, staying as far to my side of the bed as
I could. Every few minutes, I’d check my cell phone, hoping
desperately for a message from Charlie. But none ever came.
I’d gotten used to her incessant messages—our conversations
often lasting until three a.m. I was amazed how they’d quickly
become the highlight of any day, when I wasn’t able to be with
her.
I spent the rest of the night fighting the urge to contact her,
until I finally dozed off sometime in the early morning.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“I brought Thai,” I said, standing at Charlie’s front door
and holding two paper take-out bags a couple of evenings
later.
“How’d you know I didn’t have any food in the house?”
“Just a hunch.”
She smiled and let me in.
“I made coffee. Strong and black,” she said, filling a mug
and handing it to me.
“How well do you know me?” I smiled and sat down on
the living-room sofa.
Charlie took a seat next to me, keeping a cautious foot of
space between us.
“What’s on the agenda for today?”
“How about anatomy?” I blushed furiously at my misstep.
“I mean, you know, um, the circulatory system.”
“Sure. Why not?”
“Where is the electrical impulse of the heart generated?”
“The SA node. Then the AV, then the bundle branches,
then…Damn it, Natalie.” She suddenly erupted, slamming the
book on the dingy coffee table.
“What’s wrong?” I was startled.
“I can’t do it.”
“What are you talking about? You’re doing great.”
“No. Not the books. This. Pretending we’re just friends. I
can’t do it.”
“You seemed pretty all right with it the other day.”
“Yeah, well, I’m a good liar.” Her head dropped into her
hands.
“You had me fooled.” I reached out to comfort her. “So
what do we do?”
“I don’t know. You tell me.”
I thought for a minute, running my fingers through the soft,
short hair on the back of her head. I needed her. I needed to
touch her, to feel her breath on me, her lips. I needed to make
her laugh and to be held by her. I needed her youth and her
perseverance and her fight. I needed the way she needed me. I
needed everything about Charlie. And that need was greater
than any sense of right or wrong. This wasn’t about losing
control. No. I’d already lost all control the moment I met her.
“Maybe I freaked out a little bit. Maybe I’m scared. I don’t
know. Why do we have to label everything? Why can’t we just
keep things how they were?”
“I never said we couldn’t.”
“And you’re okay with this? This sort of up-in-the-air, day-
to-day kind of thing?”
“I don’t remember ever asking you to move in with me or
get married in Boca. What makes you so sure I’m even asking
you to leave Peter?”
I was surprisingly unnerved by Charlie’s response. “I’m
not sure. I guess I just sort of assumed that you—”
She placed two fingers to my lips. “Don’t you know never
to assume anything with me?”
I shivered hard as she took me in her arms and kissed me
with all the fervor she could manage. She took my hair in her
fists, tugging on it gently and biting my bottom lip until I
thought I’d combust. I eagerly pulled off her shirt, running my
nails up her sides and down her bare back until she was
breathing heavily in my ear. “Are you sure about this?” I
asked, holding her face in front of mine.
“That’s my line.”
I pulled her face to me and kissed her with all the passion
and need I’d been burying without her. That first afternoon in
the on-call room, when I thought I’d never wanted anything so
badly in my entire life, seemed like nothing more than a
teenage pipe dream compared to the heat that pulsed through
me as she traced a path down my stomach with her tongue.
She stopped just long enough to tug at my jeans and gently
touched the inside of each thigh with her lips until I was
burning for more.
My body ached and every muscle tightened as her mouth
found me, a loud moan escaping from mine. “Charlie. I need
you.” I raked her bare back and through her hair with my nails
until I felt her trembling from above me. Her breath was hot
against my skin, her tongue soft and wet on my body. She
gave herself to me until my eyes could no longer focus even
through the darkness of closed lids, and my head felt light and
airy.
My muscles tightened until I let out one final, deep moan,
my body losing all strength. I pulled her up beside me.
“You’re amazing,” I whispered.
She laughed quietly. “So I’ve heard.”
“No. I mean it, you jerk. You’re just…like no one else I’ve
ever known.”
She silently smiled and nuzzled her head under my chin.
“We really need to get to work,” I said, once I was able to
find words again. I was lying peacefully against Charlie, her
arms wrapped securely around me.
“Huh?” She stroked my hair tenderly.
“You know. MCAT? School? Ring a bell?”
“Oh. Right. Well, I feel like there’s a bad anatomy joke in
here somewhere, but I’ll spare you.”
I laughed a little, sat up and slipped on my sweater. “I
appreciate that. What time is it anyway?”
“Five fifteen or so. Do you have to get home to Peter?” she
asked, sullenly, my heart sinking a little at the mention of his
name.
“No. He knows I’m here. I told him I’d be late. Let’s get to
work then?” I leaned down to kiss her, throwing her tank top
at her.
“Nat.”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
I felt my face deceive me. Somehow, I’d managed to pull
Charlie in again, my own selfish needs negating any sense of
consequence. How many more times could I do this? How
many people could I leave in my wake of self-navigation? I
was afraid to find out. “I’ll put the coffee on.” I got all the way
to the refrigerator before realizing I was still shaking.
*
Charlie had started school again, and three times a week
she was on campus, studying biology with kids her own age—
girls her own age. It would have been dishonest of me to
pretend that idea didn’t bother me. The truth was, Charlie
wasn’t mine. Maybe, emotionally speaking, she was. But
people like Charlie didn’t stay still for very long.
There’s a theory in emergency medicine that everyone who
goes into it is either running away from something or running
toward it. And I often wasn’t sure which one Charlie was. On
most days, I wasn’t even sure which one I was.
Still, there was nothing I could do. We were trapped in this
odd purgatory of the not-quite-friends, not-quite-lovers that
reminded me very much of Mr. Taylor, in the hours before he
died.
A purgatory I’d created.
This purgatory extended from my personal life into my
work, where I was forced to see Charlie on a nearly daily
basis. Maybe forced wasn’t the right word. The nonsensical
part of me got out of bed every morning if only for the chance
I’d walk through the ED doors and catch her watching me
come in. We’d pass each other in the hall, only somewhat
unintentionally brushing hands, or hips, or shoulders. And as
the electricity cascaded through me, I’d attempt a casual
“hello” and try to suppress the elated smile that found its way
to my lips.
We would go on with our work, healing the sick and
wounded. And in my favorite moments, we were doing it
together. I would take a history from the elderly man with a
headache while Charlie started his IV and gave him some pain
medicine. I’d always loved to watch her work. But every time
I did, I seemed to fall more in love with her—and more out of
control of my own emotions.
It was late into the evening shift, and the swell of sutures
and abdominal pains had dissipated enough to allow me to
finish some paperwork over a cup of cafeteria soup at my
desk. Charlie was there too, and as I worked, I watched her
laugh and joke with a group of nurses by the supply room. The
radio was quiet, the patients were quiet, and studying Charlie’s
smile was making my stomach jump in only the best ways. I
was light—as if anything was a possibility.
My heart tripped a little as I saw Michelle approach the
group, and although I couldn’t make out what they were
saying, I hardly needed a script when she tapped Charlie on
the chest and motioned for her to follow with a sort of come-
hither gesture I could only find lewd and clichéd. A part of me
—a part I imagined to be similar to those I’d destroyed in
Charlie—died a little as I watched them disappear into the
dark, empty trauma room.
I had to follow, even if it meant looking like a lunatic.
Walking casually toward their shadows, hoping my legs
wouldn’t fail me, I picked up the phone on the wall nearby,
listening to the hum of the dial tone, praying I didn’t look
quite as ridiculous as I knew I did.
“You’re still coming to Shooters later, right?” I heard
Michelle’s melodious, feminine voice, maybe just a little bit
louder than necessary, carry out the doorway next to me and
into my strained ear.
“I think I’ll be up for a few games of pool and a beer,”
Charlie said. That tone…I knew that tone so well. It came
infused with sex and lust and desire. It was the one she used
when she spoke, right before she kissed me. It was the tone
she used when she made love to me on the beach for the first
time. Except this time, it wasn’t for me.
“Or we could skip the bar altogether and just go right to
your place.” My skin crawled with envy, and I slammed the
phone’s receiver back into the wall, interrupting their plans
just long enough for Charlie to peek her head out the open
door.
“Natalie. I didn’t realize you were standing there.” She
spoke unapologetically.
“Just making a phone call.”
“What’s wrong with the phone at your desk?” Charlie
attempted to suppress an amused grin at Michelle’s snipe.
“Broken.” I turned and walked off, defeated.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“Hey! I’m here!” I yelled through Charlie’s open screen
door. And after waiting long enough without a response, I
quietly tiptoed in and placed my things on the kitchen table.
The sound of running water propelled me to the closed door of
the bathroom.
“Charlie? You in there?” I knocked again, as the water shut
off.
A few seconds later, Charlie tentatively stuck her head out,
clad only in a sports bra and tight black briefs. My heart
jumped into my throat and my stomach turned with need.
“Nat. You’re early.”
“I know,” I said with a grin, reaching out to touch her still-
damp hair.
“Actually,” she said, awkwardly stepping away from me.
“Dr. Jenner?” Out from behind Charlie emerged the figure
of a soaking-wet, statuesque woman wrapped in a towel.
“Michelle?” My mouth hung open foolishly as Charlie
moved to my side.
“Michelle was just—”
“Taking a shower with you?” I said, somehow managing to
suppress the flood of tears or waves of blinding anger—
whichever showed up first.
“Well…yeah…” She placed a hand on Michelle’s bare
shoulder. “Michelle, do you mind taking off? Nat and I sort of
have plans.”
“Forget it, Charlie. I thought we had something. But I’m
not going to play second-best here. You’re a dick.”
“Michelle, don’t.” Charlie whimpered halfheartedly,
grabbing her by her elbow.
“Good-bye.” In a dramatic huff, Michelle grabbed her
clothes and stormed out of the house.
“So, you want to talk about it?” Charlie asked, pulling on a
sweatshirt and twisting the cap off a bottle of beer.
“Talk about what? Oh. You mean Michelle, in your
shower.”
Her face colored. “Yes. That.”
“Are you sleeping with her?” I stared at the wall ahead of
me.
“Well, we weren’t playing gin rummy. And besides, why
do you care?” Her tone was harsh and unforgiving.
“Because if she’s in the picture, then what the hell am I?”
