The Queen's Choice, page 14
“I know,” Jonathan felt compelled to say.
Maria turned to him, a smile on her lips. They looked soft and a bit moist, perhaps she had just licked them... Jonathan quickly looked away. He should not be focusing on her lips.
“Do you know what I thought when we were in there negotiating?” she said in a voice that clearly stated that her answer would amuse him.
“How could I possibly know that?” Jonathan said with a sigh. He really didn’t want to be nice to her, but he also found it exceedingly difficult to remain angry at her.
“I was thinking that I should tell Anna, that eating herring every day for a year definitely does not improve your fertility one bit,” Maria said with a triumphant smile.
Jonathan couldn’t stop himself from smiling. The image of Maria looking miserable as she had to eat herring every day flashed before his eyes. He desperately wanted to ask her what the story was. Have her tell it and laugh. But he couldn’t. Not ever. He could never allow himself to get close to her when he couldn’t trust her.
“I’m sure she will be happy to hear your advice,” he simply said and looked out the window again. He tried to pretend that he hadn’t seen the smile slowly fading from Maria’s face.
Chapter 28
Maria could hear the muffled discussions in Jonathan’s room on the other side of the door. She was alone in her own common room like she always was. She desperately wanted to be in Jonathan’s common room, to comfort him and guide him. For a moment in the carriage, she had thought that everything could be as it was, but then he had made it clear that he didn’t want that.
The fire was blazing in the fireplace and Maria was sitting in the chair closest to it, but still she felt cold. Anna wasn’t even here to distract her and comfort her. In truth Maria had no idea when she would be able to tell Anna about the herring... or say that she understood if Anna found it difficult that she couldn’t conceive.
Maria hid her face in her hands. She had no idea how to make things right with Anna. Jonathan seemed immune to her apologies... Maria looked up from her hands. She hadn’t even apologized to Anna. Or tried to explain herself. She quickly got up and strode out of the room.
“Your Majesty?” the guard posted outside of her room said as he followed her down the hallway. “Your Majesty, where are you going?”
“I’m going to see my sister-in-law,” Maria ground out as she strode towards Anna and Valdemar’s suites. Valdemar had to be in Jonathan’s room, meaning there was a good chance that she would find Anna alone. She knocked on the door. Then knocked immediately after that when the door wasn’t opened right away. Anna’s maid opened and looked from Maria to the guard.
“The duchess is preparing to go to bed,” she said in an uncertain tone of voice.
“She’ll see me,” Maria said and barged into the room. “You’ll stay here,” she told the guard. “You too,” she said and pointed at the maid.
She closed the door and crossed the floor to the bedroom. She had only been in Anna and Valdemar’s rooms a few times. Usually, they would all meet in Jonathan’s common room, if all four of them were together, or she and Anna would stay in Maria’s.
“Who was it, Else?” she could hear Anna say from the bedroom.
“It’s me,” Maria said in as steady a voice as possible. She had just strode down the hallway, but now she needed to be calm and composed, if Anna was to listen to her.
“Maria?” Anna exclaimed and got up. She was only in her shift and had been sitting on a stool, her massive, slightly curly, honey-colored hair hanging down her back. Come to think of it, her maid had had a brush in her hand.
“I need to apologize, Anna,” Maria said and motioned for her to sit down.
Anna slowly sat.
“For what?” she said, looking warily at Maria.
“I betrayed your trust as well,” she said and took a step closer. “I should have told all of you, that Gustaf had asked me to spy on Jonathan...”
“Maria,” Anna got up again and took her hands. “That is none of my concern.”
“But you’ve hardly spoken to me the past week,” Maria said. She could feel the tears pressing behind her eyes. She was weeping constantly these days, it felt like.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to get in the middle of the conflict between you and Jonathan. Valdemar and I agreed that it would be best that I kept my distance. At least until Jonathan’s temper had cooled down... But it seems that it won’t.”
Anna stroked Maria’s cheek. Maria hadn’t even realized that she had cried. Anna pulled her gently into a hug.
“I love him, Anna. I really love him. I don’t know how to make things right again,” she sobbed. Anna was about two inches taller than her, and Maria felt oddly comforted, that Anna was taller, as if she was a child being comforted by an older sister or her mother. But Maria had had neither growing up. No older sister, and her mother had never been around to comfort her.
“I don’t think that there is anything that can be done,” Anna said after a while. “When you lose Jonathan's trust, you lose it forever.”
Maria started sobbing again but tried to control it by swallowing hard. If she had only known that she would fall in love with him, then she would have never agreed to spy for Gustaf. She kept blaming herself. But on the other hand, she knew that she could never have known that he was so... perfect.
Anna stroked her cheek.
“I know that Valdemar is trying hard to persuade him to forgive you,” Anna said gently.
“Valdemar?” Maria repeated even though she had heard.
Anna nodded and smiled gently.
“Jonathan is miserable too. He can just be so stubborn sometimes,” Anna said.
“Do you think he loved me too?” Maria whispered, holding her breath. She had thought so, but if he loved her, he would be able to forgive her. Wouldn’t he?
Anna nodded earnestly, then again smiled at Maria. This time it was a broader, more genuine smile.
“Of course,” she said. “Everyone could see that.”
Maria smiled too, even though she felt sure that that love was lost forever.
Anna stepped away from her, reached for a brush on her dressing table and started to comb her hair.
“Besides, it’s not like he hasn’t done the same,” she said.
It took a moment for Maria to grasp the meaning of Anna’s words. Then all she could say was:
“What?!”
Anna stepped towards her, her hand with the brush lowering to her side.
“Maria, I’m so sorry,” she said, and Maria could tell from the look in her bright green eyes, that she was. “Jonathan asked me to befriend you in order to spy on you.”
Maria turned away from her, walking into the common room. She needed to distance herself from Anna.
“Maria,” Anna said and hurried after her. “It’s not like that. Not anymore. I soon realized that I really liked you and that you posed no threat to Jonathan. I told him I wouldn’t spy on you anymore.”
Maria held out an arm to keep Anna away.
“I need a moment,” she said as her mind was spinning. Of course, Jonathan would have asked Anna to spy on her. He didn’t know her; he didn’t trust her. He would need someone to befriend her.
“When?” she said in a hoarse voice. “When did you tell him that you didn’t want to spy on me anymore?”
Anna shrugged.
“A couple of weeks after the wedding, I think. Really, Maria. I have never pretended to like you. I actually do. All of the things I’ve said to you are true... only in the beginning I told some of the things you said to me to Jonathan,” Anna looked at the floor as she said the last part.
“What did you tell him?” Maria couldn’t help but ask.
Chapter 29
Jonathan felt rather pleased with himself as he told Valdemar, Lord Goodwin, and his commander-in-chief that they could now count on the support from Lord Lewinus and Lord Rosenkranz.
“Lord Rosenkranz is an excellent soldier,” the commander-in-chief said. “I trained him myself. He and his men will be a great asset to us.”
Jonathan smiled, pleased, and rubbed his hands together in glee.
“How many men is that in total?” he asked as he consulted the parchment on the table.
The commander-in-chief started to add them up. Not as many as they would like, but it was still better. It was better. And it felt like a small victory against Lord Helmholdt.
“Lewinus is a powerful man. Hopefully more will follow him without you even having to persuade them,” Lord Goodwin said and slapped Jonathan in a friendly manner on the shoulder. It was evident that he was about to say something else when there was a commotion outside of Jonathan’s door. All four men looked at the closed door.
“I’m sorry, but I cannot let you in, Your Majesty,” Jonathan could hear one of his guards saying.
“I am your queen, and you will step aside for me this minute,” he could hear Maria practically yelling. “I need to see the king right now!”
“The king does not wish to be disturbed,” he could hear the guard say. He had raised his voice too.
“As if I care!” Maria said. She sounded furious. What on earth would she have to be furious about? He had tried to treat her as cordially as possible in the carriage. And he had thanked her for her help, had he not?
Jonathan looked briefly at the three other men in the room. All of them were listening to the commotion outside as well.
“Maria, calm down!” he could hear Anna yell.
What the hell was going on out there? Jonathan quickly strode to the door, yanked it open and froze when he saw one of the most bizarre visions of his life: Two guards were trying to hold Maria back, while a third one was trying to prevent Anna from... helping Maria it seemed. And Anna was only in her shift.
“You!” Maria said and pointed her finger at him when she saw him. One of the guards had practically hurled her over his shoulder. “I need to talk to you right now.”
“Release them at once,” Jonathan said in his most stern and regal voice. The three guards froze immediately.
“We’re so sorry, Your Majesty,” the one still holding Maria over his shoulder said, “But you said explicitly, that you didn’t want to be disturbed... by anyone... Your Majesty,” he gulped.
“Put down my wife right now and let go of the duchess,” Jonathan ordered, and watched the guard put Maria back onto the floor.
“If you will excuse me,” he said to the men in his common room. “Valdemar, I think you better come with me.”
He strode out of the door and into Maria’s common room next to his. Maria and Anna quickly followed and then Valdemar. He closed the door to the hallway before he practically yelled at Anna:
“Why are you undressed?”
Anna had the decency to look down herself and blush.
“I completely forgot,” she said and covered herself with her hands, moving behind Valdemar to hide.
“I’ll get you a cloak,” Maria said in a matter-of-fact voice that made it impossible to tell that she had only recently been fighting and yelling in the hallway.
“What’s going on?” Jonathan demanded impatiently at the same time Valdemar said:
“Why are you in the hallway in your shift?”
“It’s...” Anna said and moved to stand completely behind Valdemar. “Maria should probably explain.”
“Please, if you will and soon,” Jonathan said sarcastically. “I have a war to plan.”
Maria came back with a crimson cloak. Jonathan felt a pang when he recognized it. He was pretty sure that it was the one she had been wearing the day they had met. And probably also the day they had made love in the carriage... He couldn’t let his mind trail off like that. He clenched his hands into fists. He needed to hate her. He needed to be angry with her. What she had done was unforgiveable.
Because he had been so consumed by his own thoughts, he was completely unprepared when Maria slapped him on the shoulder and he actually had to take a step back.
“You are the biggest jackass I know,” she said, and all the fury was suddenly back in her voice.
“What are you talking about?” he asked, trying to keep his voice even and patient.
“You asked her to spy on me,” Maria said and pointed a finger at Anna who was now wearing the crimson cloak and had stepped up beside Valdemar.
“Oh, maybe we should...” Valdemar said.
“Oh, yes, maybe you should,” Maria said in an ironic voice. Then she waved a hand in the air. “I’m sorry, Valdemar,” she said in a more normal voice. “I’m not angry with you. I’m just angry with your pile of shit for a brother.”
She slammed a fist into his shoulder. This time Jonathan was a bit more prepared and didn’t have to take a step back, even though it really hurt. She was small, but she definitely was strong.
“You have ignored me for a week. Hating me for all I know, and then you have done the exact same thing to me,” Maria said angrily, looking straight into his eyes.
“It’s not the same,” Jonathan ground out, because now he was starting to get angry too. She had yelled at him and slapped him and all in front of Anna and Valdemar and God knew who else.
“Oh, and how is it not the same?” Maria demanded, her hands on her hips.
“Because you wrote secrets to your brother. Secrets about this kingdom. All I did was have Anna tell me about you,” Jonathan said and pointed at Anna.
“Perhaps we should leave,” Valdemar suggested again.
“Yes,” Maria agreed.
“No,” Jonathan countered. He didn’t want to be alone with her right now. He didn’t trust himself being alone with her.
“She told you all of my secrets. About my loneliness and my marriages... about how all I want is to be able to decide for myself,” Maria said. “How can you say that that is less important? You used that. She told you want I wanted most in this world and you used it to make me help you, to make me like you...”
Her voice trailed off and Jonathan could hear that she wasn’t angry anymore. She was sad. Deeply and truly sad. And would burst into tears any moment. He looked at the ceiling trying to gather strength. He didn’t know what would happen if she started to cry, but he knew that he couldn’t stay angry at her.
“Maria,” he said, taking a step towards her.
“Don’t touch me,” she warned.
She stood looking down for a while, gazing at her feet. Or maybe his feet. Her gaze wasn’t directly towards her own feet. Jonathan looked down at his own feet. No, you had to bend your head more to look at your own feet and she clearly hadn’t bent her head that much... and he was losing his mind. Because all he wanted to do was to touch her. To comfort her. And he knew that it would be the most foolish decision.
He couldn’t trust her. He had to remember that. But when she looked up, her dark brown eyes gleaming with unshed tears he felt undone.
“Maria, please, it wasn’t like that,” he began and took a step towards her. “Yes, I knew from Anna what you wanted... But I don’t see the harm in wanting to give it to you.”
Maria shook her head.
“It’s not just that,” she said and quickly dried a tear from the corner of her eye. “It’s what you said: It’s not the betrayal, it’s that you didn’t tell me.”
Jonathan clenched his teeth and looked away, to the fireplace where the fire was slowly dying down. He had told her just that. He had said that it wasn’t the betrayal in itself. And it wasn’t. He had sort of expected something like that from her. It was finding out, after they had been together... After he had come to lov...
“Maria,” he whispered hoarsely and looked intently at her. “I’m so sorry. I should have told you. Like you should have told me.”
He took a tiny step towards her. Just an inch. Just to be sure that she wouldn’t move back.
“I’m sorry too,” Maria said and passed the back of her hand over her eyes. “I should have told you as well. I wanted to, but I was so afraid that you would be angry at me again.”
Jonathan snorted a little with laughter as he took a tiny step towards her again.
“I’m forgiven then?” he said.
Maria nodded and smiled.
“You are. And me?” she said, and Jonathan could hear both hope and fear in the last two words.
“You are as well,” Jonathan said and closed the distance between them his hands slowly coming to rest on her hips.
They looked at each other for a long moment. Then he couldn’t help but whisper:
“I... I think I love you.”
Her mouth opened in surprise and before she could say anything he had to add:
“No, I know I love you.”
Her smile widened and she leaned into him. Her arms first resting on his arms then sliding up to his shoulders and finally his neck.
“I love you too,” she said.
“You do?” Jonathan couldn’t help but ask.
Maria nodded and kissed him. Jonathan felt like losing himself in her. He had missed her so much. When something at the back of his mind nagged at him and he had to pry his mouth from hers and look around the room. They were alone.
“They left a while ago,” Maria said with a mischievous smile.
Jonathan knew that he should not ask when. But really if Valdemar had witnessed the last part... He would never hear the end of it.
“Before we forgave each other,” Maria said as if she was able to read his mind.
Jonathan grinned widely.
“Good,” he said as he lowered his mouth to hers again. Kissing her with all the passion that had built up inside him for the past week. Had it really been a week? Had he been able to go a whole week without kissing her? Without even touching her.
He hauled her into his arms and, still kissing her, carried her to her bedroom. He gently placed her on the bed, then quickly pulled his boots off. Pulled the tunic over his head and the fine flax shirt that he was wearing underneath. The tights were always the trickiest part. He fumbled with the fastening at his hips...then looked up when he heard a giggle.
