Deep Down, page 18
part #3 of Crush Series
“What happened?”
“We got talking, general stuff. I asked what he’d been doing. He mentioned going out before telling me about his boyfriend.” He shook his head. “Not sure what I was thinking. Of course, he wouldn’t wait for me.” He rested back against the sofa.
“You wanted Alex to wait for you to be ready.” Amanda made the statement as if it was common knowledge.
“Apparently.” Craig sighed and stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for a relationship, so why am I…annoyed? Jealous? Pissed off? I should be happy that Alex is happy.”
“Beneath all these feelings, I think you are happy for Alex. You need to concentrate on yourself for a while longer. You have every right to feel whatever way you feel.”
“It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t said that I needed to step back…”
“It is no one’s fault, Craig. You needed to do what was best for you at the time. Alex will do what he needs to do. You can’t control the universe. No matter how much you want to.” Amanda leaned forward again. “Remember how far you have come, Craig. Think of what you were like when you first arrived at my door. Contemplate who you are now. You’ve achieved plenty in such a short amount of time. Don’t belittle that.”
Craig was quiet while a question formed, one he hadn’t wanted to ask before. “Have I been latching onto Alex?”
“Do you think you have?”
Craig pondered his answer. “It’s difficult. When I didn’t see him, I missed him, missed our meetings.”
“Have you been out? Socially, I mean?”
Craig shook his head.
“It would be good to go out. See if you can figure out an answer to your question.”
Hustling back to his car after his session, he was glad he didn’t bump into anyone. Having made a decision, he directed his vehicle home. He packed a bag of clothes, snatched his laptop and work things and threw them in the car. Starting the engine again, he drove off, the radio drowning out his thoughts.
Pulling up at his parents’ house, he stared. Here was the place which poured serenity into his body. Every time he came here, he was able to decipher his problems and sometimes work through them. After putting up with his mother fussing over him for several hours, he relaxed on his childhood bed, staring at the painted stars on his ceiling. His whole body was relaxed, although his brain was fired up.
Craig considered what Amanda had said. He had come far since his first visit to her. In his work, he was confident and doing well. With his family, he had reconnected and spent more time than ever with them, getting to know them again. He needed to be “fixed” now. His instincts were off, or at least he couldn’t trust them. He wasn’t confident about meeting new people, except when it came to work. He hated that Darren had taken his social skills away from him without Craig’s knowledge.
Craig’s jaw clenched. Why had Darren done this to him? Craig could see now it was nothing to do with love, at least not his own sense of love. Darren’s interpretation of love might be different, but it was not acceptable to Craig any longer.
Craig’s pulse increased, his heart pounding, muscles tense.
“Why?” Craig swung his legs off the bed and sat upright, fists clenched against his thighs. How did Craig not see what was happening? Why did he put up with it? Make excuses? Why was he letting Darren affect his life, even now?
Craig stood, grabbing the lamp off his bedside table and throwing it across the room. He stormed across to his chest of drawers, swiping everything off the top before he twisted and sank to the floor in front of it.
Tears streamed down his face as he rested his elbows on his bent knees and gripped his hair. He sobbed into his cocoon, babbling incoherently as arms came around him and held him tight.
Craig had no idea how long he’d sat there. When he became lucid once more, he took note of his physical body. His head pounded, his eyes felt like sandpaper, his nose was sore and his whole body was one aching mess.
“Thanks, Dad.” His voice came out croaky as he deeply breathed in his father’s scent.
“No thanks needed.” Craig felt the rumble of his voice through his chest. “Do you feel better now?”
Craig pondered the question. He felt a certain lightness in him that hadn’t been there before. “Actually, yes. My body hurts like mad, but emotionally…yeah.”
“Good. Why don’t you go and have a shower and clean up, then come down for dinner?”
Craig pulled away slowly and glanced over. “I will.” There were tear tracks on his father’s face, but neither acknowledged them.
His dad helped him to his feet and held him until he was steady, dropping a kiss on Craig’s forehead.
Craig exhaled and chose some fresh clothes, shuffling to the bathroom. There was something cathartic about crying.
****
Craig raced down the street towards the glass shop, excited about buying a new paperweight. He wanted to see if he could find one relating to his emotional state. It wasn’t going to be easy because he had no idea what he was searching for, but he wanted to be able to find something which called to him and helped him remember this feeling of being free. Because Craig knew it wouldn’t last indefinitely.
“Craig!”
Craig glanced over towards the voice and waved when he recognised Casey. Checking the road before jogging over, Craig smiled as he neared the paramedic outside the deli.
“Hey. What are you doing here?” Craig asked.
“Ah, I’ve got a short respite, so I’m grabbing a sandwich before I get called away again. I’ve not seen you for a while. How are you?”
“Good, thanks. I have ups and downs as to be expected, but I’m getting there.” It was a nice feeling to be optimistic about his future.
Casey beamed. “That’s great. I’m glad to hear it.”
“Thank you for everything you did for me.” Craig couldn’t remember if he had thanked Casey before, but it never hurt to do it again.
“You’re more than welcome, Craig. Hey, tell you what. Do you fancy coming out with me and some other guys this weekend? There’s a big group of us who get together, sometimes all of us, sometimes a few of us.” Casey placed his order before glancing back at Craig for his answer.
His stomach fluttered at the thought. “Let me think about it.”
“Alright. Let me give you my number, then you can give me a call if you decide to join us.”
They swapped numbers and said goodbye, Craig continuing to his destination. It wouldn’t be too bad going out to meet new people, especially as he already knew Casey. Amanda had said he needed to try and move on also. He should go.
****
Chapter 25
Alex
“And then my brother runs straight towards the pool and cannonballs into the water, spraying the podium and the head teacher!”
Alex snorted as he took a drink. Bad news. The beer exited through his nose, and it was painful and embarrassing. “Oh my god! What trouble did he get into?”
“That was the funniest thing of all,” Heath continued, passing a napkin over to him. “He didn’t get into any trouble for it!”
“How did he manage that?” Alex mopped his face with the paper towel, grinning.
“I have no idea. And to this day, Parker won’t admit to what was said in the head teacher’s office.” Heath shrugged.
Alex sipped his beer, not wanting a repeat of before.
“Hey, Alex? Did you enjoy the beer the second time around?” Zak held his beer up in salute.
Alex laughed again and threw the wadded-up napkin at him. “I’ll remember, Zak, just you wait. I’m sure there are several people around who would help me return the favour.”
“Touché.”
Seeing some of the group focus their gaze behind him, Alex followed suit, his jaw dropping when he saw Casey with a familiar face. Casey paused before arriving at the table, twisting to talk to Craig, who shook his head and smiled.
“Everyone, this is Craig. Craig, this is Sean; Asher; Logan, you know; Max; Trent; Zak; Heath and Alex, you know.”
The table occupants greeted Craig and set to pulling more chairs around their already full table—or rather tables, since they’d pulled three together when more people arrived.
“What would you like to drink, Craig?” Casey asked.
“Um, beer would be good, thanks.” Craig fidgeted in his seat, glancing at Casey and around the group.
“Okay, I’ll be right back.” Casey glared over at Alex and mouthed, “Be good.”
Not understanding what he meant by that, Alex shrugged as his gaze roamed over Craig, watching as Craig rubbed his hands together and bit his bottom lip. Alex could tell Craig was uncomfortable, but was it because he was new to the table of people or because Alex was there?
“Everything okay?” A voice in his ear made him jerk back. Heath’s chuckle ruffled his hair as he stretched his arm around Alex’s back.
Alex tensed, his spine straightening, and Heath paused before removing his arm. Alex peered at Heath with what he hoped was a small, apologetic smile. “Yeah. Everything’s fine.” He tried to recall their conversation thread. “So, your brother still won’t tell what happened?”
Heath hesitated, glancing between Alex and, he assumed, Craig before continuing. “No, we ask him several times every year and he won’t spill.”
The apparently forced warmth in Heath’s voice sent a pang of guilt through Alex. He’d not mentioned anything about Craig to Heath; he didn’t think he needed to, until now.
“Shall we head out?” Heath asked quietly.
Alex hesitated, torn between wanting to leave and smooth things over with Heath and wanting to stay in Craig’s periphery for a while longer. In the end, he chose the best choice for Craig. Alex nodded. “Yeah, let’s go.”
They said their goodbyes to everyone with Alex trying not to focus solely on Craig before heading out into the cool, night air. They mutually agreed on walking towards Alex’s house as it was not far away. Nothing was said between them for the first few streets, although Alex could feel the tension between them. They weren’t touching in any form, which was unusual for them.
“How do you know Craig?” The question was quiet, whisked away on the slight breeze.
Heath’s perception was not surprising. On many occasions, Alex had found Heath to be extra observant and highly attuned to a situation. Alex knew it was not his place to divulge information about Craig, but he had to give Heath something. “Craig was a patient several months back. Not a great story.”
Heath’s silence was telling. “You appeared uncomfortable when Craig arrived. Did it bring up bad memories?”
Alex wanted to clutch the lifeline Heath was providing, but it wouldn’t be fair to Heath. Alex sighed. “I grew too close to the situation. Too attached.”
The reservation and tension in Heath were tangible. “And do you continue to be attached?”
“No. We’re friends, nothing more.” Alex’s pulse increased at his blatant lie.
“Hmm.” Alex could see Heath’s lips pressed into a tight line as he nodded slowly, avoiding Alex’s gaze.
The remainder of their walk was silent. The closer they got to Alex’s house, the more the air crackled around them. Alex wasn’t sure what reaction he was going to receive from Heath when they arrived; he wasn’t sure what reaction he wanted from Heath, and that was as worrying.
Alex stopped at his door. “Thank you for tonight.” His gaze found Heath’s, and he winced at the uncertainty in his eyes.
Heath nodded. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Alex’s cheek, different from their usual goodbyes. Alex wanted to clutch at the front of Heath’s shirt and ask him to stay, to try and explain everything, but he remained immobile.
“See you soon.” Heath twisted away, marching down the drive to the street.
Alex slumped against his door, exhaling roughly. He’d messed up. But how could he explain what was going on between Craig and him? Apart from the fact, there wasn’t anything going on between them, but Alex wanted there to be. Alex shook his head. It was best if Heath left. It would save any issues coming up later.
****
“I didn’t know you were friends with Craig.” Alex had found Casey in the locker room and couldn’t help but mention the elephant in the room.
Casey closed his locker, moving slowly as he shifted to face Alex. “I offered to take him out. Get him out of the house. It seemed like he needed a friend.”
Alex nodded. “Yeah. He’s never mentioned friends. In the present tense, anyway.”
Casey leaned his shoulder against his locker, staring at Alex. “Don’t get too close, Alex. Craig is healing. I doubt he’s ready for a relationship of any kind.” Casey paused. “Remember, you’re with Heath now.”
Alex couldn’t fault Casey’s words, but it didn’t curtail him from getting ready to go out when he knew the guys were meeting up next. In case Craig was there.
Over the next few weeks, Alex stretched his time amongst work, family visits, dates with Heath and nights out with the guys. Sometimes he saw Craig, while other times, he didn’t. Every time Craig was there, there was a strain between them, one he didn’t understand, especially as it was Craig’s idea to take a step back from their friendship. Alex couldn’t figure out why Craig had sought him out in the restaurant that day. And he possibly never would.
Washing his face in the sink in the locker room at the hospital, Alex tried to rinse away his gritty eyes. It wouldn’t do well for him to be seen falling asleep on the job.
“You’re wearing yourself out.”
Alex recoiled at a voice being close, especially as he hadn’t witnessed anyone entering. He lifted his head, reaching for the towel and rubbed at his face before meeting Casey’s gaze in the mirror.
“You need to let him go.”
“Who?” Alex was acting purposefully ignorant.
Casey raised an eyebrow. “You know exactly who.”
Alex busied himself with straightening his clothes and pulling on his white coat, clenching his jaw to avoid saying something he’d regret.
“It’s not good for either of you at this point.”
Alex wheeled around, pinning his gaze to Casey’s. “Why should I let him go when he needs support? You said so yourself.”
Casey flung a hand in the air, pointing at nothing. “He has support now. I’ve introduced him to everyone, they will all help him should he need it, and you know that!”
Alex’s hand pressed against his chest. “Why can’t I be one of them?”
“Because you’re ruining your relationship with Heath. I can see it clear as day. Whenever you and Craig are in the same room, you have eyes for Craig and no one else. When you interact with Heath, it’s with another eye on Craig. You never give Heath your full attention, and the strain is evident.”
The fight left Alex, and he slumped back, his head banging against the wall. “I don’t mean to.” Alex slid down the wall to the floor.
“It’s not fair to Heath, Alex. I can see how much he likes you.” Casey crouched in front of him, resting his hand on Alex’s knee.
“I can’t forget him. I can’t pretend he was never in my life.”
“I know. But step back, stop going out with the guys as often. Go back to it being occasionally.”
Alex agreed. He knew he wouldn’t be able to keep the promise if he stayed in Cambridge, so he arranged to take a few days off work and head to his parents’ house; they had, after all, been asking to see him for several months.
He contacted Heath, cancelling their planned date for that weekend, explaining where he was headed.
“Alex! What a nice surprise!” His mum hugged him tight, and his muscles relaxed as he inhaled her perfume, the smell taking him back to his childhood. Mother’s intuition must have kicked in because she held him for longer than usual and rubbed up and down his back. “You’re home now, sweetheart. Relax.” She kissed his hair.
Blinking against the threatening tears, Alex sniffed and pulled back. “You look great. The holiday agreed with you.”
“It did, indeed. Thank you, son.” His dad came down the stairs.
“You’re welcome.” He gave his dad a hug and was shuffled down the hallway to the kitchen, no doubt so his mum could fill him up with food.
“How long are you staying for?” His mum occupied herself by pulling some sandwich fillings from the fridge, the bread already being on the counter. “I saw you’d brought a bag with you. I assumed it’s for more than a flying visit this time.”
“A few days if that’s okay?”
“Of course, it is, Alex. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like. This is your home, too, despite having grown up and moved out.” She winked at him, and Alex grinned, the last of the tension leaving his body for the time being. “Let me know when you want to talk about it.”
Nodding, Alex dug into the chicken salad sandwich with gusto. He had no secrets from his parents, except those work-related ones he couldn’t talk about. They knew he was gay from the point in time he’d figured it out himself at thirteen and had supported him unconditionally, to his relief. Many times, over the years, he had gone to either, or both, for advice about a variety of subjects. If they hadn’t known the answer, they all figured it out together. He couldn’t ask for better parents.
Lying in bed that evening, Alex stared up at the ceiling, wishing he knew what the best option was. He could admit to himself, here in the silence and darkness, he wanted to be in a relationship with Craig. His heart was intertwined with Craig, and he didn’t think there was anything he could do about it—or wanted to do about it. Which meant he had to end things with Heath. As Casey so rightly said, it wasn’t fair to Heath for Alex to lead them through a relationship he wasn’t thoroughly invested in.
