Catching the CEO (The CEO Duet, #2), page 21
“Yes, it does. And I have to be alone. Somewhere in the process of trying to get used to your highly demanding and dominant self, I lost myself, Cowboy. If I let you help me, I will never know what it’s like to do things by myself. You’ll take over control, you know you will. You can’t help yourself. Then I will be out of control again. I don’t know what I want yet. I like a lot of things about us. Many things about who we were are amazing. But I cannot choose you. I need to make my own decisions. You think you’re a superhero and that you can fix this, that you can save me, but I don’t want to be saved, Cowboy.”
“Fuck you, Stellina. Just fuck you. I’m pouring my heart out here, begging you to give us another chance, and yet you are ice cold.”
He’s angry. And he’s cursing at me. What? In all my life, no one has ever said ugly words like that to me, and the shock renders me speechless.
He continues his tantrum. “Do you think that, in my life, I ever begged for anything, Stellina? Never. Not even when I was homeless and roaming the streets. But you ... you don’t care what I say, you don’t listen at all. Why did you have me over today if you weren’t planning on listening to me?”
“Get out. Out! I never want to see you again.” In my head, I’m screaming these words. In reality, I almost whisper them. That’s how mad I am. As usual, they don’t have any effect on Sebastian. He lets no one tell him what to do. Not even after he lashed out at me. He doesn’t feel guilty about that. He doesn’t feel guilty about anything. Part of me admires that quality. The confident way in which he lives his life. Never doubting himself.
“No. You won’t get rid of me that easily, Stellina. I’m not going anywhere. I will stay close. Wherever you are, I will be too. Give it your best shot to get rid of me. We’ll see how well that works out for you.”
“What?” What the hell is happening here? I cannot believe my ears and I have no clue what to do with this information. Petrified, I stand there, looking at him. I think my jaw is somewhere on the floor. How can I respond to this man? Despite the fact he’s really pissed, he’s still convinced we should be together. I don’t know whether to applaud him for his determination or be afraid of the fact he is threatening me with stalking.
He starts explaining in a calm, unrushed tone. “Yes, that’s right. We made a deal, Nina. We would embark upon an adventure together. It’s not a fairy tale. We will not live happily ever after. We will not give up. We will try our best to accept each other the way we are. That’s how it will be for us. As far as practical matters are concerned—I have my apartment in D.C, you stay in New York. But you cannot stay with your grandmother, so we need to find a solution for that. I will arrange a highly advanced alarm system. You don’t need to worry about that. We need to figure out what we do with work, but we will work it out. Anyway, I will buy you a big car, one that is safe. One with an umbrella, a rain poncho, and a gun for safety. If that works, and it will because I will make sure of it, then I want to marry you. A small party. You can decide whether we go to City Hall or to church, it doesn’t matter to me. I want to dance with you. I want three kids with you, all of them boys, because I cannot handle any more women. If we should have a girl, she isn’t allowed to leave the house until she’s twenty-five, especially if she’s anything like you. Do you understand me?”
His face comes closer, eyes gazing deeply into mine. He can’t possibly be serious about all of this, can he? This has to be a joke. The way he looks at me makes me realize he does mean all those things. How can he have planned our whole future? We’ve split up, haven’t we? The only reason he’s here today is so we can speak our minds and close this chapter. One final meeting to say goodbye. But that’s no longer valid, judging by the look in his eyes. He is dead serious.
I look away. I cannot risk falling under his spell once again. This man, with his amber-colored eyes that seem to hypnotize me without me realizing what the consequences are.
I’ve lost the ability to speak. There is nothing I can say. He takes another step closer and is way too close for my taste now. I feel his breath and smell his scent, and those things are not good for me at all. “Do you think I’m joking?”
His tone is ominous. I shake my head. Luckily, Grandma comes in between us. I had almost forgotten that she was there.
“You don’t need to intimidate her, Sebastian. You need to give her some time. That’s all she’s asking for. You need to respect that. If you really love her, surely you can manage that?”
He slowly turns around to face her, his jaw tight. There is muscle twitching under his right eye. His eyes appear to be lit on fire. I know that look. It’s terrifying.
“Corina, with all due respect, you said what you had to say. I know you love Nina and that you would do anything for her. It is also out of respect for you that I allowed your presence here tonight. But now your part is done. I don’t agree with you and I’m sorry that you feel that I didn’t take her vulnerability in consideration sufficiently. But that is a conservation we will have at a later time. Now it’s your turn to show some respect. You can do that by giving Nina and me a little privacy. We have a lot to discuss, as you can see, and this will be a long night. I suggest you take a nice long walk with Gnocchi. Nina will call you when we’re done. Clear?”
Grandma raises an eyebrow and opens her mouth, as though she wants to give him a piece of her mind, but closes it again and nods. She takes a few steps toward me, grabs my hands, and squeezes them. I look into her worried eyes. “It’s all right, Grandma, it will be all right. I’ll see you later.”
I try to sound calm in an attempt to make her believe I have the situation under control, but I fail. Sebastian has the control. Just like he always has. I accept that for the moment because I know what I want to say. I will not let him trample me this time. This time, things will go my way. I’m no longer out of control. She nods again in understanding, and walks away. I wait for her to leave the room and then I look over at Cowboy. It’s time to say what I have to say. Things I have already said that apparently haven’t gotten through yet.
“I need time,” I repeat. “I need distance. You have to give me those two things. Please.” Now I’m the one begging. “Please, Cowboy. You said you would give me anything I wanted. This is what I want.”
“That is indeed what I promised you, but what you’re asking me now is not what you want. I don’t believe it. The only thing I believe, is that you are confused. That I understand. So okay, Stellina. I’ll let you go. For now.”
Wow. I hadn’t expected him to cave that easily. I’m about to thank him when he suddenly continues. “But I ask you to think about the following. For years, I was dead inside. I had people I trusted, who were loyal to me. I valued those people and I would do anything for them. But I remained dead inside. I had women who would have done anything for me, but who I refused to let get too close. No one could get close enough to me. No one.
“Then I met you. A girl, a woman, keeping me sharp. A woman I watched for years. In the beginning, I thought it was some kind of need to protect you, but I see now that wasn’t the only thing. You make me feel alive again. You are a woman who is adventurous in so many ways who is able to deal with my need to control everything. Who laughs and sings and dances, and turned my house into a home. A woman who is warm and compassionate. A woman who doesn’t care about money or material things. Who doesn’t care if I’m the CEO of a multinational corporation, a criminal, or a stupid control freak. A woman who will never bore me, because she speaks her mind and has her ways of letting me know what she thinks even without words, just with her face and eyes. A woman who doesn’t lie and is always honest.
“I trust that woman. That’s why I gave her everything I had to give. Everything. I never let anyone into my life before. No one. Just you. I have so much more to give you, but I can’t do that until you trust me too. Only then, can I give you the rest, because you don’t trust me yet. That is a painful thing to learn, but after tonight, it has become clear. So, I’ll let you go.
“You think you don’t know who you are and that’s bullshit. You know very well who you are. Even if you didn’t, I could help you with that. You don’t need time and distance for that, Nina, but you do need time and distance to think about this and to let my words sink in. To find out the reason why you don’t trust me because I haven’t given you a single reason not to. None. There are other things in your head and in your heart that prevent you from trusting me. You need to think about that and find out what those reasons are. Once you’ve figured that out, I’ll be there for you. Just like I have always been there for you. You don’t want to be saved? Tough luck, because I will save you, whether you like it or not.”
He closes the distance between us, wraps his arms around me, and gives me a little kiss on my forehead. The gesture is soft and tender. Not like the words that just came out of his mouth, which were harsh and angry. I know he’s angry because he’s yelling at me. Yet, he still cares for me. The shock makes it impossible for me to move. What I feel is fear, combined with something else, something I cannot put my finger on. It’s something warm and nice and frightening, all at the same time. He turns around and walks away. I turn around as well, so I don’t have to see him leave.
Is this what they call closure? Or is it delaying the inevitable? Time will tell. And unfortunately, time can’t talk.
If my life were a highway, I wouldn’t know whether to fix it or choose a fresh one.
20. The man who shall not be named
Nina - three months later
“Good morning to you! Any new gossip for me?”
On my desk are many recipes for new dishes for Casa de la Pasta. I’m studying them to select a couple and have them prepared for tasting. Then, I’ll determine which ones should be added to our menu. The restaurant needing new recipes was one of my first conclusions when I started working here a couple of months ago. It was unbelievable to see they didn’t have a CEO. Considering this is a franchise business, the franchisers thought it wasn’t necessary. Ha, I disagree! In the beginning, I was nervous to meddle in things here, but I’m starting to feel more and more at home. Now, I see it as my mission to make my father’s dream come true and sell the world’s best pasta here. And that comes with good recipes.
The expensive oak desk I’m sitting at is awesome. It’s positioned exactly so I have a view of Manhattan, which is just as amazing. Sitting here at my desk, I should feel like I’ve achieved something. A young woman, only twenty-five and the new CEO of Casa de la Pasta. A fast, internationally operating, growing company. I’m in charge here and I have the complete freedom to decide what we’re going to do. I can walk around in the highest stilettos and finest tailored designer suits. I have become a career woman. Who would have thought?
“Yes, everything is arranged! I booked my ticket! I’ll land one week from tomorrow, at ten a.m. your time. Then we’ll have an entire week to paint New York red! I’m so excited, girl!”
“Me too, Tiger! I’ll make sure to clear my schedule, so we can have a good time. There’s a chance I might have to come into the office a couple of times to take care of some things, but I’ll clear my time as much as possible.”
“Cool! I’m so excited to go out in Manhattan. I want to see all the clubs!”
“Sweetie, I wouldn’t know which clubs. Going out isn’t really something I have time for anymore. I told you, didn’t I?”
“I thought you were kidding, Nina. How can you live in the coolest city on earth and not go out?”
“I’ve been busy, Tiger. They need to start selling new, delicious pasta dishes here, not that pre-packaged stuff you can get in any supermarket. It takes a lot of time to figure out what’ll sell and what won’t. We’ve also had problem with the deliveries. I have to solve that issue because the pastas need to reach their destinations on time, you know? If they’re not there, they can’t be sold, which costs us money. So, I’m busy with that too. I’m thinking of buying a new truck for that. Or maybe two. Or even three. Then we won’t need to hire a transport company every time, and it would make us less dependent. So, I’m trying to work that out. But I want to make the test drives myself and for that, I need to get my driver’s license here because my Dutch one isn’t valid. That also takes time to work out and arrange. Finding a place to live took longer than I thought and decorating the apartment was easier said than done as well. And then I had to buy a car as well ...”
“All right, all right, stop already. You mean, you’ve been very busy trying hard not to think about the man who shall not be named.”
“Yes, I’ve been busy with that as well, yes. Very, very busy. It has become my life’s goal not to think about him. When you’re with me next week, we need to talk, Tiger, work out how we’re gonna do this. Because I understand you’ll be working for him. It’s something you have to do and that’s good for your career. But know that I don’t want to hear anything about him. At all. I don’t want to know what he was wearing to the meetings. I don’t want to know how good those reading glasses looked on him. I don’t want to know what he had for lunch, or if he was hammered after a night on the town. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, loud and clear! So, what’s the problem then?” Her disbelieving tone is hard for me to comprehend.
“The fact that you’re the world’s biggest gossip?” After I say this, I hear an offended sigh on the other side of the line. I didn’t know it was possible to sigh in an offended way, but apparently it is.
“Honey, do you really think I wouldn’t keep my gossiping in check? Listen, the fact that Barbara disappeared into the sunset is the opportunity of a lifetime for me. I have big plans. I got her job and I will do my very best to show everyone at Audi USA that I’m the best marketing manager in the world. They won’t miss her. They won’t even remember her name. ‘Barbara who?’ they will ask. That's my plan as far as my career is concerned. In my private life, I just want to have as much fun as possible with my BFF and bring the old Nina back to life. We will do sexcapades again, go out, and have fun ...”
My BFF is such a dear. Her words warm my heart. I suddenly realize how much I’ve missed her. Although, I’m not so sure about those sexcapades. I don’t know if I can go back to the way I was. Sex with strange men will never be the same again. I doubt whether I could start that again without thinking of the man who shall not be named every single time.
My BFF notices my lack of reaction and continues talking enthusiastically—she’s doing her best to cheer me up because I think she’s worried about me. “It’ll be just like old times. Before you know it, you won’t even remember Cowboy. Cowboy who?”
Now I’m the one with the offended sigh. “Poop salad with gorgonzola sauce, Tiger! You said his name! I knew you wouldn’t be able to help yourself.”
“Jeez, relax! Besides ... Cowboy isn’t his name, is it? That’s what you called him, but I thought his name was—”
“Yes! I know his name, Tiger. And the nickname I had for him is also off-limits,” I interrupt her. I don’t want to hear it, I really don’t. It still hurts too much.
“Don’t worry, you will never hear me speak of him ever again. I guarantee it.”
“Okay, good.” That’s what I say, but I’m not sure I believe it.
If my life were a highway, I wouldn’t want to look in the rearview mirror.
21. Wasted
Nina - one week later
My BFF knows what she’s doing. When she puts her claws into something, she won’t let go. That includes going out. She’s got it all planned. Our night will start on the roof of the hotel Yotel. That’s where one of the most popular bars in the city is located. Next, we will go to Club Cielo. Through Facebook, she’s made arrangements with some guy so we won’t have to stand in line and we’ll have our own table. Transport? Also covered. We’ll take an Uber, just like every New Yorker does.
And here we are. At the bar on the roof of Yotel. It’s a wonderful, warm, summer night. There is a gentle breeze and we have the most beautiful view. The clouds are moving over the silhouette of a city that never sleeps and it feels like it’s inviting us to take part in all the adventures it as to offer. We’re so high up, the skyscrapers appear to tickle the clouds. The lights that are shining everywhere cast a spooky glow. The two of us are sitting at the bar, taking small sips of a much-too-expensive-but-delicious cocktail the handsome bartender poured for us.
“I still can’t believe it, girl. I’m sitting here in the city that never sleeps. The most beautiful city on earth ... Next week, I’ll start my new job at Audi ... and I have my BFF with me. It can’t get any better than this!”
“Well, I won’t be that close. New York is a four-hour drive from Washington, D.C., Tiger.”
“Yes, but at least it’ll be better than it was! At least we’ll be in the same country. It’s only an hour by plane and four hours by car! That’s good, isn’t it? From Holland, it wouldn’t have been possible to visit you often, but it will be a whole lot easier now. You’ll visit me in Washington ... I’ll visit you in New York ... right?”
“Sure, babe. That’s also good news for my air miles.” I take another sip and admire the enthusiastic expression on my best friend’s face. I wish I could be that excited. I mean, of course I’m thrilled to have my Tiger back, I’m really glad about that, but I should also be glad to be living in New York and having a cool job. For me, this is an adventure I should grab with both hands. Which I do, but the enthusiasm is lacking, no matter how hard I try.
“Have you thought about your next cocktail yet?” she asks, handing me the menu. I scan the possibilities and there, on the bottom of the page, I see the Stepdad. It’s that cocktail, the same from that night we celebrated the end of the internal project with the Motley crew. The night Cowboy sang to me and promised our adventure would never end. You would think the pain and loss would sting a lot less now, three months later. But every time I start to feel like I’m moving forward, there are those little things that remind me of him and us. It has turned out to be an impossible task to get through even one day without them.
