Catching the CEO (The CEO Duet, #2), page 11
“The fact that you never doubt yourself and never reconsider doesn’t make you a strong person. It doesn’t mean that you’re weak either. It doesn’t mean anything, really. You can have a low self-esteem and still be strong. And that is what you are,” he explained in a confident tone.
“Agreed,” I admitted, because, again, he was right. He’s often right about things. It’s annoying, really ...
“Would you stop being so extremely smart?” Immediately after I said this, I placed a little kiss on his neck. I wanted him to know I didn’t really mean it, that it was an attempt to make the conversation a little lighter. At the same time, it was an attempt to hold back my tears, which were determined to fall.
I realized that there was still so much about this man that I didn’t know. About his life with the mafia, for example. That is a subject I want to know more about, but at the same time, I don’t. It couldn’t be a nice story, could it? When I asked him how he got away from the mafia, I dreaded a violent story. I was afraid he killed all those criminals, or something like that. But he explained to me there hadn’t been any need for violence. It was simple, really. Almost brilliant. He told me he knew secrets about those people. That was the reason he had the nickname “The Secrets Collector.” Silly, isn’t it? The Secrets Collector ... Whoever came up with that clearly didn’t win the prize for originality.
Anyway ... As far as the criminals Cowboy had to cut ties with are concerned, one of them had a liking for young boys. The other one had an affair, while others had things they’d rather have kept secret. The only thing Sebastian had to do was threaten to make those things public. One by one, they ran off and left him alone. When he made it clear he was planning to leave the business as well, it was reason enough for a lot of people to keep a low profile and to leave him and the girls alone. It seemed the mafia business really was a thing of the past and I didn’t have to worry about it. Good.
Now, we’re sitting on the lounge chairs, gazing at the stars, enjoying good wine. His mother, that crazy mom of his who makes me laugh so hard, has already gone to bed and we are whispering and enjoying each other.
After a sip of the delicious wine, I sigh. “It’s so beautiful here.”
The view of the hills and the setting sun takes my breath away. After everything I’ve learned about this man in the past few days, I feel a little dizzy, though the prevailing feeling is understanding. A few more pieces of the puzzle fall into place and that feels good.
“That’s for sure. It’s my dream to make this a place we can often come back to. A place where we can be together as a family and relax. Where my kids could play in the summer holidays and swim in the river.”
“That’s a nice dream,” I mumble dreamily, taking another sip of my wine.
He turns to look at me and his eyes pierce straight through to my soul. “The only thing I need is a family.”
I realize then, he’s hinting at having a family with me, but that’s a little too fast for me. I’ve only known this man for four weeks. That’s crazy!
“You will have that one day.” I’m trying to put him at ease, while at the same time, I hope my remark doesn’t hurt him. Out of fear for his reaction, I avert my eyes and take in the magnificent surroundings.
“One day is not good enough. Now. I want this to become our dream now, Nina.”
Every time he says such things in that confident way of his, it makes my cheeks flush and almost strangles me. His short hair is a bit tangled, moving in the wind. He links his fingers together behind his head, staring ahead. In this new position, the muscles of his upper arms grow larger and tighter, hypnotizing me. His physical attraction, combined with the powerful things he says to me, make him dig himself deeper into my heart. I wonder if I will ever be able to dig him out again.
Once, I thought I wanted a family. A man who loved me and kids that resemble us to fill our lives. I gave up that dream two years ago, when hard reality ripped it apart. I learned my boyfriend, whom I had been with since I was a teenager, had been cheating on me for a long time. Then, my parents’ marriage fell apart in a horrible way. If that wasn’t enough, I felt responsible for their unhappy marriage and also for the accident that cost them their lives. All of that combined led to the total destruction of those dreams and every dream I ever had.
In the years that followed, I did my best to get back on my feet. I became a trucker girl and filled my empty existence with one-night stands.
Since I met Cowboy, a whole new world started opening up for me. A world in which every dream can come true. The only thing I would have to do is dare to dream. Cowboy ensures me he will see to it that every dream comes true.
In my heart, I want to believe him. In a desperate way, I cling to him, to this opportunity he knows how to present to me so well. I hold on to that dream, that fairy tale in which he holds my hand tightly, while I’m on a roller coaster of emotions going ninety miles per hour. In which he fucks me hard in every possible way, and loves me and lets me live out every sexual fantasy I have until I no longer know who I am, or will be. My mind is telling me it’s too much. Too good to be true. Because, what happens when everything falls apart? Where does that leave me? Who will I be?
For what I’m about to say, I need a little distance. Literally and figuratively. So, I get up and take a few steps away from him. “You do realize that we only met about four weeks ago, don’t you? And you want a ‘they lived happily ever after’ already? What world are you living in? Did you hit your head really hard?”
Yup, that is what I say. I just let it out. I’m not somebody who wraps things up in a nice little gift box. So, this is how it is.
His eyebrows shoot up, his body swaying forward in the chair. “Isn’t four weeks long enough? According to whom? According to society? I’m living in a world that I create myself, and in my world, I don’t care about what others think, of what society wants me to do. I won’t sit and wait to comply with one of society’s rules that I did not make myself.”
Uh oh ... now he’s pissed. I don’t want him to be. It makes me uncomfortable and insecure, and I hate feeling insecure because then I doubt myself and I hate that too. My normal reaction would be to explode just about now and unleash my Italian temper to the fullest. But we are in his mother’s house and I don’t want to cause a scene here. I also don’t want her to worry about us. She had to worry more than enough about her son in her lifetime.
So, I choose to speak my next words softly and calmly. “It’s not about what society thinks. It’s about what I think, and I think that four weeks is not long enough, Cowboy. We are moving too fast.”
“Do you really think so? You know me, don’t you? You know everything there is to know about me. Everything that is important, at any rate. The most important thing is that I’m crazy about you and there is no doubt in my mind that it’s about us from now on. About you and me.”
I study this handsome man. This man who is so obsessed with me. Is this normal? Do other couples feel this way too? Were my parents just as crazy about each other? Grandma and Grandpa too? Is this what they call true love? Is this what all those love songs are about?
His eyes are flowing over with emotions. I love the way he looks at me. It makes me feel like I’m the only thing that matters in his life.
“What is it, Nina? What is causing the doubt in your eyes? Why are you still uncertain about me? What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”
There’s nothing wrong with what he says, but his tone ... and the way he looks at me. It’s clear he’s losing his patience. But I decide not to let that intimidate me.
“He said that he loved me. He said it every day. Every fucking day.”
“Are you talking about Liam? Your ex-boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
“I was wondering when you would tell me about him.”
“Apparently, now.”
“Okay, talk to me about Liam.” He pulls onto his lap to eliminate the distance I put between us.
“It’s not about Liam. Not really. I mean, it’s about me wanting to believe him so badly. I wanted to believe that he loved me. When he walked out of the room to make a phone call, for instance. Or when he came home and smelled like some woman’s fruity perfume. Or when he had to “get out for a minute to take care of something.” Because he said he loved me, every day. And why would he say that if it wasn’t true? I didn’t make him say it. Nobody forced him. Yet, I felt somehow it wasn’t true, but I wanted to believe so badly. Just like I want to believe you.”
“I’m not Liam.” He brushes my hair aside so he can look me in the eye.
“I know. I know you’re not him. It’s not about him. It’s about me. I accepted it all, I let him do this to me. What kind of person does that? What kind of person lets someone walk all over them like that? I don’t want to be that woman. I don’t want to be someone’s doormat. Ever again.”
“I understand,” Cowboy says gently, giving me a little kiss under my ear.
“I just don’t get it. I still don’t understand why you are so crazy about me. It just makes no sense at all to me. I know that you have known me since I was ten, and that my parents and my grandma always kept you posted about my life. But surely that’s not enough to be so ...”
“So what?” His inquiring tone warms my disbelieving soul.
“So ... obsessed with me? I love the fact that you are, but it also makes everything ... so unbelievable for me! Why? Why me?”
“So, you don’t believe me?” He asks looking at me funny.
“Again, it’s not you, it’s me. The fact that I don’t believe you, that’s my problem. It’s not a rejection, no reproach. Does that make any sense?”
Suddenly, his expression changes, giving me the feeling I managed to get through to him. I can see understanding appear in his eyes, which suddenly start sparkling again with a warmth only meant for me. He changes his position, my legs ending up on either side of his, and he presses me firmly against his chest.
“Stellina, that is fucked up. Completely fucked up. How can you doubt yourself like that? He’s the one who cheated, he did you wrong. You loved him and wanted to believe him. You didn’t give him permission in any way to cheat on you or walk all over you. You are a person who gives her whole heart to someone, one hundred percent. With all your heart and soul and with all your faith. He took advantage of that. He did. You cannot blame yourself for that. Not in the slightest, and you shouldn’t punish yourself for the fact you believed in him by not believing me now. Believe in me, Nina. Believe in us.”
“But I can’t. I can’t believe it. Why on earth do you like me? Why?” I take his face in both hands in an attempt to make him understand what I mean.
“Stellina ... do you want me to quote a list of everything I like about you?” He takes my hands off his face and kisses the palm of each of them.
“No, that’s not what I mean. I don’t need a list from you, but I’m trying to understand how you fell in love with me so ... hard. Because, when I can understand it, I might be able to start believing it.”
“It’s a feeling, Stellina. Just a feeling that I’m very sure of.”
“How can you be so sure? What causes that feeling? There has to be a reason, right? Because, let’s face it, you can get any woman you want. Any woman!”
“Did it ever occur to you that I’m already thirty-five, and I haven’t been able to get a woman yet?”
No. Not really.
“There is no other woman. None. I’ve had them all, and I know they are not you. Most of them want to play games. They think their shit smells like roses, who only care about status and are convinced that the world revolves around them. They want me to follow them around like a puppy dog and make me do whatever they want. That’s not okay.”
Wow. That really sucks. Stupid women.
His hand runs through my hair. “But not my Trucker Girl. And that’s not all there is to it. I think it’s also the fact that you are the most fuck-worthy woman I have ever seen. You are always gorgeous, you can look amazing in every dress. On your feet, all the shoes in the world become the most sexy things ever. In the morning, with your bird’s nest hair, you are just as beautiful as when you’ve taken an hour to do your makeup. When you look at me and your face looks like it does right now ... it takes my breath away. Every time.”
Oh. So, it’s all about my good looks, is it? Just when I’m about to ask him this, he continues.
“You fascinate me. You don’t fall for my sugar-sweet romantic bullshit and I love that. I think that the fact that you don’t believe every single word I say is ... refreshing. You have the nerve to tell me you don’t like my long hair and that you think this it’s juvenile abreaction, and you cannot keep a single secret from me because your face tells me everything I need to know. You don’t play games with me and you are always honest. For instance, when you told me you were only looking for a sexual adventure and that I could forget about a long-term relationship with you. I love that my mother adored you even before she met you, even though my mother thinks no woman is good enough for me. Not a single one.”
“Did you tell your mother about me? I mean, before I met her today?” He ignores my question and I have to admit, it’s a silly one. “Stellina, you are always honest and sincere. Always. Except to yourself. A couple of weeks ago, you were talking about zombies, which meant that you didn’t want a dull relationship. Now it seems that, not only do I have to fight zombie-Nina, but doormat-Nina as well? Is that it?”
“Uhm ... no, it’s not that.” But I can’t really tell what it is either.
“I’m a smart man, Stellina, and smart people know it when they meet someone who is worth it.” He gets up, making me slip off his lap and get to my feet as well. Sebastian grabs hold of me firmly and starts slowly undressing me. He pulls my shirt over my head, followed by my skirt, which falls easily down my hips, all the way to my ankles. The colder air against my bare skin makes me realize we are still outside. His breath against my neck, combined with the words he’s speaking to me, trigger goose bumps on my skin.
He kisses my earlobe. “You are a smart woman. You aren’t a zombie-Nina, not a doormat-Nina. Is that clear?”
Yes! Of course I’m smart-Nina. Of course I am! Why didn’t I realize that sooner? While I’m thinking this, I feel like I’m floating. He triggers a kind of high that no pill or powder on earth can match.
Then, he turns me around, grabs me from behind, and starts kneading my breasts. Against the top of my butt, I feel that wonderful, rock-hard bump of his as he continues his story. “But it’s more than that. It’s a feeling that cannot be traced back specifically to something you did or didn’t do. A feeling I’ve never had before. It’s special, Nina. I will only feel this way once in my life. I cannot simply give that up.”
“So, you have never felt this way about anyone else before?” Automatically, my hips start moving against him and the muscles between my legs tighten.
“No, Nina, never. It’s not like I haven’t tried. I’ve told you this before. I’ve had many women. In each of them, I was looking for the feeling that I have with you, something I have never been able to find.”
“You don’t need to lay it on so thick that you had so many women, Cowboy.”
Looking over my shoulder, I see a mischievous smirk has settled on his face. It’s different from the sweet way in which he often smiles at me. Very different and my nipples grow hard. It’s a self-satisfied grin, telling me he’s enjoying my reaction. His gaze never leaves mine as he rubs his pelvis against me, and asks, “No? Why not? Does it make you jealous?”
He’s enjoying this all right. He likes it when I’m jealous.
“Yes. Silly, isn’t it? Me, getting jealous of the women you had in the past?”
“There’s no need to feel jealous. You should feel sorry for those women. But that is not important. It’s important that you’re honest with yourself and admit that you feel the same about me. That you realize you are not imagining things, and you acknowledge this feeling and stop telling yourself it doesn’t exist or it cannot be true. Because it is true. You feel it too, you know you do. Give yourself the freedom to surrender to it.”
“I do feel it,” I confess softly. Because it’s true, it really is. No matter how crazy it is to me that this man has won me over in such a short time.
All of a sudden, he lifts me up. One of his arms slides under my knees, while the other one supports my back. This man is so incredibly strong. Not just physically, but also mentally. He is strong in every sense of the word. I’m slowly starting to reach that conclusion and I like it. I’m liking him more and more each minute. Perhaps I even daresay I like like him. Let’s stick with that, because it cannot be love, not in such a short while. No, I definitely like him a lot. That’s all.
He walks inside the house with me in his arms, all the while giving me little kisses on my neck. His lips are more intoxicating than wine. He keeps talking to me as well, because he hasn’t made his point entirely.
“I could ask you the same question. Why me, Nina? Why do you like me? Why are you here with me now, even though you’ve only known me for four weeks? But I never will because I know, no, I’m convinced that what we feel cannot be explained or analyzed. We just do. It exists. It’s rare, and that is why we need to cherish it and make sure it never slips away.”
SEBASTIAN
As I lay her down on the bed in my old bedroom, her curls fan out wildly over my pillow. Perhaps it’s disrespectful to do this in my old bedroom, under my mother’s roof, but at this moment, I really don’t care. I want her here, in the house that has become her house too. In the house where we will have our future vacations and where our kids will bake cookies with Grandma in the kitchen. In the house where I made so many wonderful memories and where we will make some new ones together.
